Balloni and Rye: Idiots with Badges

By Paul Kool

Gino Balloni and Ricky Rye are NYPD detectives; and they're as dirty as it gets. These guys will do just about anything for a laugh and a quick buck including doing 'side work' for Gino's uncle Tony Rizzoli, a mob captain for the Cavetti crime family.

Join Gino and Ricky in this satirical tongue-in-cheek mob-cop spoof as they spend their time creatively avoiding doing any actual police work while breaking every law imaginable including committing murder to suit the needs of the mob and lining their own pockets in the process.

If you're looking to read the literary masterpiece of our time this aint it. But if you want to laugh your ass off and have a smile on your face when you're done reading a book you came to the right place.

Whaddeva!

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781475987836

Paul Kool

Paul Kool is the author of several books including the wildly popular three book series THE REAPER as well as the romantic comedy A PERFECT FIT, the dark psychological thriller INTO THE UNDERNEATH: SHE KILLZ: the quirky fictional crime comedy BALLONI AND RYE; and now the quirky and at times comical ‘who done it’ ALWAYS AND FOREVER Paul resides both in Canada and the United States and draws his inspiration for his writing projects from both sides of the border integrating both Canadian and American elements and ideals culminating in a truly unique approach and style.

Book preview

BALLONI AND RYE

IDIOTS WITH BADGES

PAUL KOOL

iUniverse, Inc.

Bloomington

BALLONI AND RYE

Idiots with badges

Copyright © 2013 by Paul Kool.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

iUniverse

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8782-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8783-6 (ebk)

iUniverse rev. date: 04/25/2013

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

CHAPTER 1

"Well, well, well; look who it is boys; Detective’s Gino Balloni and Ricky Rye; New York’s finest . . . finest pieces of shit!"

Geezuz, Stanley! What! No hello; no how are you; can I offer you a beverage?

"Fuck you Balloni . . . whaddaya want . . . I’m a busy man!"

"I want you Stanley; no one else will do; I was lying in bed rubbing my sawzeetch all night thinking about you and I just couldn’t stay away any longer . . . GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! What the fuck do you think I want you fuckin ass-clown? I want the twenty large you owe old man Rizzoli and if you don’t want to hand it over I’m gonna fuck you up; know what I’m sayin?"

Right down to business huh? You fuckin people are all the same

"You fuckin people? Whaddaya mean . . . . Italians? Is that like a racist spur?"

Gino’s partner Rick interjects; I believe the correct word would be ‘slur’ not spur

Whaddeva!

Stanley continues; "No, not Italians you Bensonhurst piece of shit; dirty cops! You’re all the same; impatient; condescending; rude! Try to keep up will ya Gino . . . I know it’s not easy given you’ve got the IQ of a house plant"

"Like so what . . . is being a fuckin bookie any better? Gimme a fuckin break ova here! And when you’re finished doing that hand over the twenty large! When old man Rizzoli sez today it fuckin means today . . . not yesterday, not a month ago and not tomorrow . . . . read my lips; TO-FUCKIN-DAY!"

Yeah, sure thing Gino, I’ve got something large right here for Mr. fuckin Ravioli pointing to his own Johnson.

Rizzoli!

"Rizzoli, Ravioli, Rigatoni, Chef fuckin Boyardee . . . who gives a shit what spaghetti bender meal he was named after; he can chew on my fuckin sac; you tell him he’s not getting a dime until he cuts down the points a little . . . he’s robbing me blind!"

Rizzoli!

What?

"Rizzoli; it’s Rizzoli for fuck sakes . . . how many fuckin times do I have to explain it to you!"

Obviously the conversation wasn’t going the way Gino had envisioned so in an effort to assist Stanley the shitbag delinquent bookie in making the distinction between the word Ravioli and the name Rizzoli, he delivers a stinging throat punch that brings Stanley to his knees wondering where all the air in the room suddenly went.

Accordingly Ricky joins the festivities instantly producing two unregistered Glock’s from his double back-holsters concealed under his stylish tweed sport coat and points them at Stanley’s two associates with a big playful grin on his face that screams ‘oh pleeeease . . . do something stupid so I can shoot you’

Gino continues;

"You know something Stanley I’m starting to get the feeling you have like a problem with authority or something . . . like maybe your mommy didn’t spank you enough when you were a kid and your father was never home because he was busy gambling, drinking and fucking whores . . . I don’t know . . . it’s nunna my business but you’re starting to put me in a bad mood ova here with this bad attitude of yours (turning to Rick) . . . how about you Ricky . . . are you feeling the bad vibes in the room or is it just me?"

"I concur Gino; I must say I find Stanley’s disrespectful behavior and cavalier attitude more than a little denigrating and insulting . . . reprehensible in fact!"

"See that Stanley? Now you’ve gone and ruined my partner’s morning with your bad attitude and repre . . . rep . . . repara . . ."

Rick helps him out; reprehensible

"Yeah, like that; and what’s more Stanley you’re starting to give me a headache; (he turns to Rick again) Hey Ricky, you got something for a headache?"

Oh absolutely!

Rick casually shoots one of Stan’s goons in the foot and turns to Gino; Better?

"Not sure yet; hang on . . . give it a minute to kick in"

Gino stares at his watch and waits a full minute and then continues; "Yeah, I think it’s working now. I’m starting to feel better already . . . that was good; maybe you should become like a doctor or something Rick"

How do you become ‘like’ a doctor? You either become one or you don’t. Being ‘like’ a doctor isn’t congruent with actually being a doctor; in fact it’s a direct contradiction; completely antithetical; you really need to clean up your syntax

Gino elected to change the subject instead of engaging in yet another game of semantics with Rick and having to pretend he knew what syntax meant. He opted to address Stanley in reference to his wounded associate instead;

"Look at this guy ova here whining and moaning on the floor; and you pay guys like this to protect you Stan? Ma-don! This fuckin guy couldn’t protect his own dick from his hand when it feels like jerking him off . . . OWE!!!"

Then Gino kneels down and directly addresses Stanley’s wounded associate on the floor;

"Excuse me . . . Nancy is it?"

Jackie!

I’m sorry, what?

My name is Jackie he says while moaning and groaning still clutching his foot.

What; like Jackie Oasis?

Ricky interjects; I believe Onassis is the name you’re looking for

"Whaddeva . . . anyway (he turns his attention back to Stanley’s associate) so . . . ah . . . Jackie . . . jack in the box . . . jack off . . . hey, Jackie; that’s like a girl’s name or something right? I don’t know but I like the name Nancy better; suits you . . . like around the eyes; you look more like a Nancy . . . whadda you think Ricky . . . doesn’t he look more like a Nancy?"

Possibly but to be honest I’m somewhat ambivalent where the subject is concerned

"See that Stanley? Now you’ve made my partner ambli-vivious . . . not good . . . not good at all"

Ricky wasn’t going to even bother trying to correct that grammatical faux pas as he was starting to get the feeling Gino was just baiting him with deliberately placed morsels of horrendous grammar purely for his own amusement… but conversely the fact that Rick knew it made it somewhat amusing for him as well.

"Anyway, where was I; oh yeah; if it’s not too much trouble Nancy maybe you could reach into your purse and slide your piece over here for me . . . or I could just shoot you in the fuckin head and put you outta your misery instead . . . I don’t know . . . personally I could go either way . . . you go both ways don’t you Jackie-Nancy? I mean with a name like that you could be . . . like one of those, whaddaya call em Ricky . . . transvestesticles?"

I believe you may be referring to the word transvestite

Whaddeva!

Jackie slowly takes his gun out of his holster with his blood soaked hand and tosses it over towards Gino and continues to moan.

Stanley, still gasping for air, grabs the edge of his desk with one hand while clutching his throat with the other and tries to stand upright.

Gino relieves Stan of his handgun, ejects the clip and throws both onto the floor behind him.

"You don’t look so good all of a sudden Stanley; maybe you should like back off on the smokes a little huh? Looks like some shortness of breath goin on ova here; maybe talk to your doctor about getting one of those . . . those fuckin things you stick on your arm; what do you call em Ricky?"

Nicotine patch?

Yeah, like that; or maybe get some of that gum, you know, the kind with the nicotine in it; I had a friend who used it and it worked real good for him; he caught a bullet in a drug sting the next week and died but he was smoke-free for like a whole week!

Well fuckin goody for him! Stanley grunts as he continues to struggle to stand upright.

I’m sorry Stanley; I could hardly hear what you said; here; let me help you up buddy

Gino reaches over as if to assist him but delivers a big vicious right fist to the ribs instead, sending him right back onto filthy carpet of his tiny office writhing in pain and clutching his side in the fetal position while the phones continue to ring off the hook.

"Oops! What did I tell you; Stanley, I don’t think you’re looking after your health; you can’t even stand up straight without falling over; and this office; MA-DON!! Don’t you guys clean the carpets in here? No wonder you’re having, what do you call it Rick . . . reciprocity problems? There’s probably millions of dust Mike’s in here"

"Respiratory . . . and the correct vernacular is MITES not Mikes"

"Yeah; Rez-beer-a-towry . . . whaddeva! . . . and who’s Mike Vernacooler?"

Mites

What? Mites Vernacooler? I don’t know him

"NO GINO . . . . dust mites . . . vernacular . . . correct usage of language"

"I know . . . that’ what I just said"

No, you said Mike’s

That’s what I said; who’s Mike?

Never mind Gino

"Whaddaya mean never mind? You brought it up not me (he shrugs) . . . I’m just sayin"

Rick elects not to argue the point as it was obvious Gino was stonewalling him as he often did to get a rise out of him as part of their amusing little game. Obviously these two clowns had way too much time on their hands.

Gino sparks up a stogie while Stanley slowly recovers and staggers over to a chair with an aching throat while favoring what was definitely either a bruised or broken rib… or three… or perhaps a little internal bleeding, ruptured spleen, punctured lung as well… could be anything really.

Ok Stanley, I think maybe we’re a little closer to reaching an understanding; am I right?

"Alright, enough already; fuck! Somebody’s gotta answer the phones; I’m losing money by the second here . . . c’mon!!!"

"And whose fault is that? Geezuz, try to keep up Stanley; I mean fuck; is it my fault? I don’t think so! Is it my partners fault? I don’t think so! We just came here to make a simple request and say hello like regular guys from the neighborhood and you turn this thing into a big fuckin whoop . . . ok . . . you; (pointing at the uninjured associate) answer the fuckin phones and take your little bets, I’m startin to get a headache again and I’m feelin like I might need some more pain relief; all this noise; it’s an unhealthy work environment; I don’t know how you guys can stand it. And hey boombatz; if I hear you say anything about our little meeting here on that phone it’ll be the last fuckin thing that comes out of your mouth . . . gabeeesh?"

The associate nods and starts working the phones in a panic trying to keep up with the call volume that it normally takes him, Stanley and Jackie to handle.

Gino takes the ‘ledger book’ off Stan’s desk and continues to chat while examining the contents;

"So let’s see . . . whadda we got here; hmmm . . . very nice . . . correct me if I’m wrong Stanley but it looks to me like you’re doing pretty good ova here; lottsa betting action; lottsa money coming in but for some reason you don’t wanna share with Mr . . . . what did you call him again Stan . . . . refresh my memory if you would be so kind"

Stan is reluctant to say the word for fear of setting Gino off again… but he does because if he didn’t answer him there would be more pain involved.

Ravioli

Ravioli; yeah, that’s it! That’s very funny Stanley but what are you gonna call him from now on?

Rizzoli!

Just Rizzoli? I don’t think that’s very respectful Gino says wagging his finger at Stan.

"Mr. Rizzoli . . . sorry!"

"Very good Stan . . . that’s better; see? It wasn’t me that wasn’t keeping up; it was you all along but now you’re getting up to speed; and just so you know for next time, if you ever say something like that to me again I’ll break every fuckin bone in your body and then scatter parts of you off the Brooklyn Bridge; do we understand each other?"

I get it Gino; ok already!

Good! I’m proud of you Stanley; it brings fuckin tears of joy to my eyes when we communicate effectively like this. It saves us from a lot of nasty shit; know what I mean?

Stanley nods.

Gino turns to Ricky; You know something? I think Stanley is going to be more of a team player from now on and things will go back to how they used to be where we all get along nicely and money gets paid on time

"Well that remains to be seen Gino; I’m still experiencing a rather heightened sense of trepidation; I mean he’s been extremely problematic as of late . . . perhaps it would be better if he was simply expunged"

". . . ‘ex-sponged’ . . . I like that; nice word Ricky; (Gino looks back over towards Stanley) I’m tellin ya Stan, this guy’s like a dictionary ova here . . . I know it’s hard to tell but believe it or not I don’t have a way with words like he does but what he’s trying to say nicely in his own special way is that he thinks you’re still tryin to FUCKIN JERK US OFF and we should just put a bullet in your head right now so we don’t have to keep havin these little discussions and unpleasant visits"

"I’m not trying to be difficult . . ."

"Well if that’s true then given Ricky’s bad mood right now I think it might be in your best interest to convince him you’re on the square by going into your little safe and pulling out the twenty large for us right now . . . otherwise it’s gonna put us in a badder mood again and I’m gonna need some Aniston again for my headache and your boys are gonna end up with no feet by the time we leave . . . and you my friend will be another shit stain on the rug"

Ricky interjects with yet another grammatical correction Anacin

"My mistake; Anacin . . . . so what’s Aniston then?"

"It’s not a what but a who; I believe it’s the last name of an actress from that long running sitcom called Friends . . . she’s also done extensive work in film"

"Oh yeah, Friends, you’re right Ricky; I like Joey . . . very funny guy . . . who’s your favorite?"

"I’m rather partial to Chandler myself . . . incredible comedic delivery and impeccable timing; interesting character . . . a little more depth than the others; less esoteric; perhaps a little more versatile as well"

"Yeah, like that; he’s funny too . . . too bad the show’s over . . . but I think it’s in syncopation"

Syndication

"Whaddeva! Did you see the one where Joey first moves in and then Phoebe shows up and . . ."

Stanley interjects, obviously fed up with the banter;

Alright already! Oy-vay! What is this; the fuckin Hollywood review? I’ll give you your precious money; whatever it takes to get rid of you two!

Stanley?

What!

Gino wags his finger at him and says in almost a singing tone; "Your attitude just cost you an extra five large"

"Awe c’mon Gino . . . lighten up"

Try to keep up Stan and let’s put things in prospectus . . ."

Rick cuts in; perspective

"Yeah, like that; so as I was saying; my steamed colleague and I are officers of the law so we deserve a certain amount of respect; and besides, it makes us feel bad when people aren’t nice to us; kinda sad and shit; we could end up having to go for . . . ummm . . . whaddaya call it Ricky?"

Grief counseling?

"Yeah, we might get like post-dramatic-express-disorder or something . . . now hurry the fuck up so we can go solve crimes and shit instead of wasting taxpayers’ money on you three fuckin mazoones!"

Gino accompanies Stan to the safe; he opens it and pulls out the money owed, counts it out and hands it over.

Pleasure doing business dirtbag! Next time we come in here for Mr. Rizzoli’s cut you’re gonna have it ready for us right?

Yeah, yeah don’t worry about it

"Do I look like I’m worried? Oh contrarie-aerie-air my friend; you’re the one that better worry because if you try and fuck the old man over again he’s gonna send Big Salvy and his crew in here and all three of you fuckin ass-clowns are gonna end up in garbage bags in the trunk of Salvy’s caddy on your way to the swamps of New Jersey . . . and hey!"

What!

Try to smile a little more; the frowning and shit causes stress and then you get those little lines on your face around your eyes; Ricky, whaddaya call em; gross feet?

Crow’s feet

Yeah, like that; have a nice day ladies!

Balloni and Rye walk out of there, because riding bicycles would look stupid, with the money in a brown paper bag and hop into their unmarked police car; a smelly old Chevy Impala, where they proceeded to divvy up their cut and then drove off.

"I don’t know what’s wrong with that fuckin guy; five years of collecting from this prick with no problems and now all of a sudden he grows a set of balls . . . I don’t know!"

I would imagine that Tony’s patience is wearing extremely thin where this entire matter is concerned and it’s quite likely that Stanley and his associates will become the victims of a particularly violent erasure in the near future

"Erasure! Where the fuck do you come up with this stuff? Isn’t that like an Arnold Schwarta . . . shwartzanener . . . . geezuz . . . help me out here for fuck sakes"

Schwar-zen-egger

Thank you

"Actually you’re right Gino; I think the movie you’re referring to was called Eraser or something to that effect . . . good movie . . . I really enjoyed it"

"Yeah, he was fuckin huge in that movie . . . still doin the roids and shit; anyway, let’s get the fuck outta here and go see the old man . . . this fuckin place gives me the creeps"

"Personally I like Brooklyn; and you grew up here; I don’t know why you detest it so much; it’s quiet, a little more civilized than the city . . . ample park land"

I like it better where I am now in Queens

I guess it’s a matter of perception

Gino sticks his head out of the window and looks up at the sky; Yeah, it does kinda look like rain now that you mention it but what’s that got to do with anything?

"Perception . . . not precip . . . (Ricky stops mid-sentence) . . . never mind . . ." He chuckles and shakes his head to signify one of those feel-good heart-warming movie moments; and of course it leads us straight into the quirky little back story on these two clowns; and here it is;

Gino and Ricky couldn’t have been any more different; total opposites in every regard… well not every regard but most of them anyway… . let’s say if there was ten regards they would be different on seven of them… well six or seven anyway.

Ricky was born and raised in Santa Barbara California and had studied Criminology at UCLA before starting his career in law enforcement and had worked as a patrol officer in Los Angeles for several years before accepting a detective position with the NYPD five years prior at which time he was partnered with Gino who was already a well-seasoned detective.

Ricky always wore tailored suits with sunglasses even if it wasn’t particularly sunny to avoid getting lines and wrinkles on his face and often carried a briefcase… the other detectives often