My Visions My Dreams My Fears: "Sher"

By Sherry R. G.

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• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477259238

Sherry R. G.

(Trials) (Tribulations) and (Test) God (Turned) it around into (Testimonies) I am a witness God is real. The root connected to God my Grandma May, who everyone called Mama. I lived with her as a child with my Auntie Becky Ann and my mother Debbie Lee in the sticks of Huntington W.V. Grandma May was a wise little woman with one blue eye and the other one was gray . Some folks called her blue/gray eyed soul sister. She was strick and she never sugared coat anything. Mama wasn't the one to mess with. Becky Ann was like a second mother to Debbie Lee being seven years older. But little Debbie Lee was time enough for her big sister Becky Ann. Debbie Lee felt alone when their father past away at the age of three. But at the tender age of sixteen all of that changed. Gods Planned Purposes Grandma carried the womb that gave Debbie Lee LIFE to create those Purposes. "Sher" exist today because their is a God and He is real. I'm a witness. GOD IS THE AUTHOR AND THE FINISHER OF ALL THINGS. Come take a walk with me down (Past Journey Roads)

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SHER

Life Purpose/ Process/ Plan/Promise from God

The root began with God and his (Purpose) his (Process) his (Plan) and his (Promise) to me. I am a witness that there is a God and He is real. My (Past Journey Roads) began with God creating my Grandmother Mary who many called her Mama a woman with courage and wisdom to teach and guild me. She was my root and my first true connection from God. Mama carried the womb that God created and gave birth to a precious little girl for his (Process) to begin. With time God created me in the womb of this precious little girl – my mother as a (Plan) sealed (Promise) to complete a mission that was already ordained under my name. God’s (Purpose) (Process) (Plan) made it all possible for me to exist today. Not my grandmother, not my mother not my father – it was God from the beginning to the end. Many storms, trials, tribulations, and many test on the journeys indeed. However, God’s painful journeys were Faith walk test in Him. Without Faith the (Purpose) would take much longer to reveal God’s Powers. Mama kept me focus on God. I remember her saying to me, keep seeing your (Visions) keep expanding your (Dreams) and keep moving your (Fears) out of your way. (Fear) no one but God and keep you’re Faith - do you here what I’m saying to you gal? With Faith all things are possible. With out Faith you will be lost in the wilderness. And some folks will talk about you when you are in it. But always remember this - when folks have that much time on their hands to talk about you and (not Jesus or God) you must be important child. Do you hear me what I say? Do you understand what I am saying to you child? I really did not understand what Mama was saying to me. Sometimes Mama said" some of the weirdest things. But as the years passed in our solitude place – I began to understand her weird ways of saying things. Mama was my true friend and I trusted her with everything. She was the one I ran to for comfort to hold me; she was the one who understood all my pain on my (Past Journey Roads).

At age 13 Mama brought me a black/white composition notebook to write what I was feeling in it and a section for school notes. She taught me how to go back to it later and learn from it. She caught me drawing in my notebook one day and she said with a deep voice - shaking her finger in my face. What did I tell you Sher about this here notebook? Write what you feel and do your school notes like I told you – and keep it in order. Do you understand what I’m saying to you gal? I did not understand this either- it was only a five cent black and white notebook why was she getting so upset. She continued to read me my rights with her glasses on the tip of her nose, staring down at me with her blue and gray eyes. Mama had no idea that she hurt my little feeling that day. I went home early and I cried. I wrote down how sad I was for not being able to draw anymore and how Mama hurt my feelings. I did not hand my pain over to God as Mama taught me. Finally, I prayed hard to God to take the pain away. I love Mama so much and I needed to know that she still loved me. I went to go see Mama after four days the longest we ever been apart. She called me into her living room with her glasses on the tip of her nose, staring down at me with her blue and gray eyes and said gal don’t you know that I love you. Then she gave me a big hug and kissed me on my forehead took my breath away. God has plans for you gal. Do you here me what I say child? Do you understand what I am saying to you gal? I didn’t understand this either. Woo Jesus she said. And I ask her why she always shout Woo Jesus and she said Sher What else can I say that would make me feel so good inside my soul calling out Jesus name. When the devils kick a dent in my armor I run to God so He can pop it back out. Woo Jesus feels better inside instead of accepting the devils pain. God is a healer child. Do you understand what I’m saying to you gal? I didn’t have a clue what (Plan) God had for me nor did I understand dents in armor. With Faith I knew God could be a healer I was just happy Mama still loved me. From that day forward, I knew God answered my prayers. In addition, Mama taught me about the Holy spirits and how to get closer to God in our special place. And she continues to buy me more black/white compositions note books.

However, during the years I lost my faith with some test God placed before me. I began not to believe in God because some pain was so deep. I felt God turned His back on me and I felt so lost. Now I knew what the wilderness meant. But little did I know if the truth was to be told, during the years I was turning my back on God. Mama kept telling me to hand it all over to God. Many forgiving and trusting folks test were my brick walls on my journeys - very difficult test indeed. I just became very tired and weary to the point of suicide a few times. My mother was a battered woman for many yrs. A stepfather came into my Life at my age of five and my baby sister’s age three. Childhood what was that. To play hide and go seek from the devil while my baby sister and I heard our mother’s screams calling on Jesus. Or to hear her being beat out of her sleep in the middle of the nights thrown down the stairs. Or to see her face is banged into the kitchen sink with blood spattering on the walls and floors- calling on Jesus. Or being stump like a roach until she’s pinned to the floor and can barely move, crawling in a corner balling up like an bloody infant child- just coming out of her mother’s womb. Crying in so much pain calling on God and He never showed up. Our mother being thrown against brick walls banged like she’s in a boxing ring, losing a fight. Our mother kicked up her behind like she’s a football on a football field – never had the opportunity to reach her goal. As a child to see a monster that use to be my mother’s beautiful face. Cooking breakfast in a bloody rob dropping tears in the skillet scrabbling eggs – while being bang in the head and back with power fist. (I’m I going to tell it YES I AM). Our mother screaming calling on Jesus being threatened and beating with hammers, black jacks, knuckle brackets, leather straps, knives, sticks, cords, phones and powerful degrading words. Our mom stripped of everything but breath to keep holding on. To see our mother our protector afraid to breathe, move, speak, fight back or even run. When we reached the ages to kick and bite -we started hearing our own screams calling on Jesus- many sleepless nights indeed. So afraid to hear him walk across the floor, turn a knob, raise his voice, even to flush the toilet I would jump out of my skin. Childhood what was that I do not remember. (God said) I heard yawl little cries praying in the dark corner under the box hiding Sher I saw you cover your baby sister under dirty clothes to keep her safe. I your God and Father will cover you. Peace be still keep your Faith.

During the years being beating yelled at and called every name but the child of God. I was always afraid of folks I did not trust anyone. I was afraid to speak, eat, sleep or even cry. I was a shaker – my nerves that is. But it didn’t matter to me whatever it took. I would shake and kick, bite, throw and shake and run for help – anything to protect my mother, even if it meant dying for her. So, yes!! In my Life many folks felt it was okay to hurt me, talk about me, judge me and assume things trying to figure out my character. My character was built from my (Past Journey Roads). But that’s okay continue walk over me, take from me, talk about me, stand in my face in yell at me, put your hands on me, laugh at me and hurt the few that do love me for me. Keep laughing and smiling its okay because I know my God and I am a witness that my God is real. God said" They know not what they do. Do you understand what I am saying to you child of God?

My baby sister was force to leave home and I was left to fight the devil alone at 14, fighting a grown man off my mom and to protect a step baby sister. My baby sister and I cried in each other arms before she left home in our special corner praying to God to take us away to Heaven. However, if he took just one the other would surly die. I lived with a ½ heart for a very long time. My heart skipped beats still to this day to see my baby sister’s face again or to hear her voice saying – Hey sis. My sister and I were more or less none existed in this world. We love our mother so much however; we yearned for a mother’s love she was to afraid to provide. So to have that unconditional love from a mother, again what was that I do not remember? Through the fights and beatings at home and being bullied at school at 16 I finally dropped out. I didn’t receive my High School Diploma until ten years later after many tests. My search for our father was done in vain finding out on my sixteenth birthday our father’s car went over a cliff in the mountains of Huntington W.V. where we were born. However, I continued another search for over twenty years for our father’s family also done in vain –no one was searching for us - they didn’t care either if we were dead or alive. My baby sister and I had each other that were all that mattered to me. We prayed all the time for our storms to be over. Our favor song – The Storm is over by Kirk Franklin. When I hear it – it makes me still cry today. Holidays/ birthdays- what was that I don’t remember I was always so depress for many years it didn’t mean anything to me – it was just another day remembering what I never had.

So it takes time for me to except folks into my Life to say okay I trust you, I believe what you say and do or I love you. Folks were quick to say leave the past in the past. I’m a witness that it was not easy - when the past was still in my face or around me. Family and strange folks molested, rape, cursed, tortured, beat, yelled, stole, stabbed me, defamed my name, took my kindness for granted, lied to me, lied on me, talked about me, spit on me and walk away like I didn’t exist or wasn’t human. I have been car jacked by gun point and shown a dumpster that should have been my grave. Open heart surgery cracking two upper ribs leaving a dent in my chest over my heart - as a reminder every day I look into the mirror. These were a few of my easy test of many. One of my most difficult tests was when I had my precious twin sons. My second one born died in my arms while feeding him – I cried out in much pain for God to bring my baby back. Not breathing, toes and fingers not moving, I never saw his eyes, saw him yawn or smile. I screamed again God Please bring my baby back. However, God did not honor my request. They rush my dead son away. I wanted my first born in my arms I needed him close to my heart to take my pain away. I was so ready to die. I laid him next to me I cried while rubbing his hair and he looked up at me smiling and yawning. I played with his toes and fingers. Then he opened his big light brown eyes. And I screamed out Thank You Jesus. Woo Jesus Thank You. When my baby yawned again my tears dropped into his mouth and he squished his face and smiled again. My heart was broken and coming out of my chest but at that moment I was feeling healing coming from my other son God left me.

Looking down at his face – the same face was just rushed out of my room dead. I screamed again for God to bring me back my dead son. Tears were dripping on my living son while he smiled. I cried softly touching his body. I played with his toes and fingers and he looked up at me with his pretty light brown eyes. While lying next to me in my arms eighteen minutes after they rolled my second born out of my room dead. My first born was now dead lying next to me. I was lost, I could feel myself crying but I could not hear my voice. I could see my body moving but I could not feel – my body was numb. I just died with my sons I know longer wanted to live anymore. I requested to see my babies for the last time before they took them to the hospital morgue. A nurse placed my sons into my arms dress in blue with hats to match – she kissed their foreheads and walk away. I couldn’t cry I felt so empty. I stared down at my babies and dropped tears on their faces; kissed their toes and fingers and I kissed their hearts. And held them close to my broken heart – not wanting to let them go when they came to take them away screaming and hollowing to the top of my lungs I heard nothing. My babies could not hear my voice either they were dead. Young adulthood at 25 Yeah I remember that. Their deaths stripped the Life out of me. On this day my entire forgiveness test God and Mama placed before me – went right back into my flesh deep – not to forgive another soul as long as I lived.

I lost my Faith many times on my (Past Journey Roads) not to forgive. I curse God I was so angry and I made a (Promise that I would never run to Him again. (But God said with attitude) I have re built you a forgiving heart to remain humble and righteous – accept what I allow. Where is your Faith, I have a healing (Plan) waiting for you to receive in Jesus name. My only son I sacrificed for you. Do you understand what I am saying to you child of God. My healing (Plan) from God was my four year old baby girl. Smiling and saying mommy I miss you. I can hold her in my arms today, hear her cries, touch her, kiss her, see her toes and fingers move and see her beautiful eyes alive. My God is awesome. Until this day, my daughter never knew that she brought me back to Life after her brothers died. God’s (Plan) from beginning to the end was already ordained. God already knew once He created my precious little girl in my womb - that she would be the one to heal me through this painful test of death. These last four yrs God placed a (Process) of healing to let go of my past – to start my new journey, to flush and cry it all out and to never look back again. (God said it is true you will not forget which you came just remember my test placed before you – were exams. Looking back my child of God you have passed all those classes. Now you are prepared to conquer all devils on any level with the equipment I provide for you. Keep your Faith on high and stay encourage on your New Journey that I (Plan) for you. My new journey already brought many test during my four yr healing (Process). Nevertheless, new journey comes with new devils like God said". Transforming the mind with the body is part of the (Process). It is a giving if God can forgive folks and a ½ of second so can I. I have no problem and I am not afraid to say’. God’s (Purpose) his (Process) his (Plan) and is (Promise) to me is real and so is He.

Thirty long years losing my Faith as small as a mustard seeds on my journeys I can give a few souls going through similar test – some of my time on death roll to a shorter their sentences. I was all chained up, bound up and messed up – locked down in the un- forgiving prison cell. Breathing in my own mess in a small space and could not move forward, backwards or side ways without touching