Lullabies

By C. A. Cuomo

Jonathan Kent is tired of living. A self-absorbed angry man, his drinking and infidelity are destroying the one part of his life he wants to save - his marriage Alone in his car, he now understands that the wife who listened to all his lies will not accept the truth. As he turns the key in the ignition wanting to see his wife one more time, fate catches up with him. Terrified and bleeding, he searches for mercy and understanding. Soon, the agony his mortal body is suffering will come to its inevitable end.

Jacob Lansing is tired of suffering. A decorated soldier and a loving husband, his passion to help others once defined his life. But terminal brain cancer has rewritten his dreams for his future with the ones he loves. He has watched his beloved wife, Elizabeth, turn into a sad, anxious woman, torn apart by her inability to help him. Whats more, the thought of abandoning Marcus Allen, a young man he hoped to make whole, crushes him. Soon, Jacob will take control of what remains of his life, and his suffering will cease.

Their passage into eternity is stopped, frozen in time. God allows one to return to provide Marcus Allen with the guidance God always intended him to have. He keeps the other close at hand, in the hopes that he will learn the most difficult lesson of all: the joy of giving and accepting love. Can these two men redeem each other?

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Apr 7, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491725122

C. A. Cuomo

C. A. Cuomo has spent most her writing career working to inspire and empower people formulating business solutions. Her love of writing led her to channel that energy into Lullabies, her first novel. She lives and works in New York.

Book preview

Chapter 1

The bar is closed now. Jonathan Kent sits in his car, his hands resting in his lap. The light from the street lamp shines through the windshield. He looks through the window at the face of a man in his mid-thirties who has yet to make the music he has in his head, music he hears clearly and constantly but cannot commit to paper. He feels drained of all life. His soft, black hair falls back as he rests his head against the headrest. He is drunk and alone. It seems he has spent most of his life this way. He is tired of living. He has given up on a wife who will not believe him. He begged her, but she wouldn’t. He tried to wipe away all the hurt he caused her, but he failed. His wife chose to believe his mother, who believed the lies of an ex-girlfriend and not him. His mother would never believe him, and now his wife does not believe him. He no longer believes in himself. He turns the key in the ignition. Lauren, he whispers gently as the car pulls away from the bar.

The road is dark. The narrow lanes are surrounded by steep cliffs on the left and towering walls on the right. Jonathan fights to keep his car away from the menacing wall on his right. He replays over and over the disgust in his wife’s voice. He feels the car swerve wildly. He realizes he has shifted lanes, and he can see the cliffs approaching. As he pulls his car away from the cliffs, he is horrified to see the lights of an oncoming car. He frantically steers his car back to his lane to avoid sending the other car over the cliffs. He hears the sickening thud as his car slams into the other car. The cries of the passenger in the other car fill his ears. He jerks his wheel to the right to avoid any more contact with the other car. His car picks up speed as it races toward the wall. He hits the brake with such force he can feel his knee buckle. Jonathan Kent knows he cannot stop the car. He manages to turn his side of the car away from the wall. He screams with fear as his car smashes into the wall. The passenger side of the car crumbles as the windshield explodes and the passenger seat traps him. He can feel the blood rushing from his nose and mouth. His chest heaves in pain as he struggles to get out of the car. In minutes, the scene fills with the sound of fire engines and ambulances. Jonathan cannot speak, but he can hear the firemen shouting and the sound of metal being crushed around him. The firemen are inside the car now. "Stay with me, buddy!" one of them shouts as they frantically prod his leg from the wreckage. He suddenly feels as if he is free from his car, but the pain overwhelms him. He reaches out to the fireman, who continues to urge him, "Come on, buddy. Just stay with us." As he slips into unconsciousness, his last thought is the hope he has not killed anyone else.

Michael Bello watches as his EMS workers place his unconscious grandmother inside the ambulance that will take her and his distraught parents to the hospital. He is holding his weeping daughter as his wife sits beside him crying. The ambulance that will take them to the hospital has arrived. The EMS workers begin to talk to his wife and his daughter. He called for help when Jonathan Kent’s car hit them. He hoped the car would not hit them again. They would be dead now if it had. His heart is still racing. He watches the EMS workers place his daughter’s arm in a sling. His wife comforts her as they place her in the ambulance. His eyes move toward the fire engines surrounding the car that has smashed into the wall. He sees the EMS workers placing Jonathan on the gurney. There is blood everywhere. Michael Bello shakes his head. God, he says softly.

As the ambulances arrive at the hospital, the EMS crew rushes Jonathan into the emergency room. The nurses quickly strip Jonathan of his clothes. He awakens to nauseating pain. He can feel himself vomit as the nurses ready him for surgery. Every movement causes excruciating pain. He is sweating profusely. He is finding it hard to breath. There is a realization that he may die. He struggles to gather enough breath to talk. I’d like to see my wife, he whispers as the nurse begins to wipe his face and change the IV in his arm.

In a bit, Jonathan, the nurse answers. In a bit. He can feel the nurses lift him onto a gurney. The pain causes him to hold his breath. His hands grip the sides of the gurney as the tears stream down his face. The doors open, and Jonathan sees the bright lights of the operating room.

The hospital waiting room is a large, dimly lit space with chairs and sofas haphazardly placed. The television is on, but the voice is muted. Lauren Kent sits watching the agony of a couple sitting across from her. Her tall, slender frame is slumped in the chair, her fingers twirling her auburn hair. She cannot understand all the words, but the phrase he does not have long echoes in her ears. She prays she will not hear those words this evening. Her only solace is that Jonathan managed to pull his car away from the oncoming car and spare its occupants the injuries he inflicted upon himself. This is the man she hates and loves. This is the man whose radiant smile and laughing blue eyes can make her heart pound. This is the man, who cannot be faithful no matter how many times she begs and no matter how many times he promises. This is the man she cannot stop loving no matter how much he hurts her. Tonight she fears their argument will end the life of the man she loves. Her eyes fill with tears as she continues to twirl her hair. Lauren looks at the clock. It is two thirty in the morning. She closes her eyes to hold back the tears. As she opens her eyes, Emily Crawford is standing there. She is happy to see her mom’s face.

I should have listened to you, mom, Lauren whispers as the tears flow down her face. I wouldn’t stop. I…

Emily Crawford sits next to her daughter. Lauren huddles in her mother’s arms. Emily gently runs her fingers through her daughter’s hair. Lauren rests her head on her mother’s shoulder and cries. Emily holds her grief-stricken daughter, kissing her forehead. Mother and daughter share the same auburn hair and deep brown eyes. They also share the heartache of painful marriages. Emily knew her daughter would not heed her advice not to confront her husband. She knew her daughter had come to the point in her marriage where her husband’s infidelity had become too painful to overlook, but this time Emily believed that the accusations were untrue.

It doesn’t matter now, Lauren. Now you must help Jonathan. Nothing else matters now, Emily whispers gently as she continues to hold her daughter.

Mom, I don’t know what I will do if he dies. He begged me to believe him. He pleaded with me. He asked if I didn’t see he was trying to change. Mom, I should have stopped. He is everything to me. Lauren clutches her mother’s hand.

It is not your fault, Lauren. It is his. He should have stopped, Mary Kent says sharply. Her angular face is ashen and her gray hair uncombed. She sits next to her daughter-in-law and rubs her back. Your mother is right, Lauren, she says as she looks at Emily. Nothing matters now. We will just have to wait. Mary Kent sits back in the chair and stares ahead. Emily continues to hold her daughter.

The operating room is a place of controlled chaos. The doctors’ voices are hurried and sharp. The nurses are moving around the room in response to the doctors’ voices. Jonathan hears the doctors and nurses scurrying around him. Every movement seems exaggerated. He focuses on the bright light shining overhead. The room is cold, and Jonathan feels cold. The nurse rubs his hand as they position him on the operating table. The anesthesiologist sits next to him. He watches as she begins the drip. Her voice is calm. He can hear her ask him to count. As he counts, he can feel himself falling asleep. The noise slowly dissolves. His body comes to a complete stop. The doctors close in around the operating table and quickly begin to open his stomach to stop the bleeding that is sapping his life. Jonathan hears someone ask him to wake up. He opens his eyes. This must be a dream, he thinks. He can see himself on the operating table. He is watching the doctors work to save his life, but he does not feel anything. It is an odd feeling, as if he is a spectator at some event. The doctors’ voices become louder as the monitors begin to flat line. He can see his body stiffen and then writhe in pain. He can see the doctor place the defibrillator over his chest. He is frightened. He wants to tell them he wants to live. No one hears him. Lauren! he screams.

Jonathan Kent is in that moment when time slips away. The soul frees itself from the body. There is an instant when someone decides whether the body and the soul will reunite and stay or separate and leave. For Jonathan, that decision has been made. His body and soul will separate. His soul will leave his body to find its salvation. The agony that his mortal body is suffering disappears. Suddenly, he is pulled toward this light. He is moving faster and faster. His mind is racing to keep up with the images that surround him; then there is a beautiful quiet, and the light fades.

Jonathan’s soul is no longer captive within his mortal body. His soul is a being awaiting judgment. Jonathan’s soul fears this judgment. The space surrounding his soul is dark and endless. A melody permeates the darkness. Each note seems familiar yet strange. The figure of a tall, slender man enters. The figure illuminates the darkness. The face of the man is youthful yet severe. Jonathan’s soul understands he is looking at the face of God. Jonathan’s soul listens to the softly spoken words. Jonathan Kent, you have squandered your time. You are here because you chose to save the lives of others above your own. You will remain here. You will receive neither punishment nor reward. The voice falls silent. Behold your life, Jonathan, the voice continues. Slowly images drop into the dark space before him until the life he once knew fills the space. The different shades of gray cast a pale light against the dark. His soul recoils from the frames that show the desolation he felt until his car hit the wall this evening. This is the life you lived. You wasted this life. You will wait until the soul I will send redeems you. His redemption is your redemption. Remember, you have not yet loved. The tall, slender Man retreats, but the images remain. The only solace is that Jonathan’s soul can see the face of the woman he always loved, Lauren. The life he cannot live unfolds before his soul.

Lauren is sitting with her mother and Mary Kent. The couple left, the woman sobbing, clutching her husband. Lauren could not bear to look at her. As Lauren looks at the clock, she sees the surgeon walking toward them. She feels Mary Kent move closer and her mother’s embrace tighten. The surgeon pulls a chair close to her and sits down. He is a man in his mid-forties with graying hair and a slender build. His voice is quiet, and as he touches Lauren’s hand, she fears that the news cannot be good. My name is Dr. Lowery, Mrs. Kent. Your husband has sustained severe internal injuries. We have already removed part of his intestines and his spleen. His left leg has sustained major damage, and we are not sure we can save it. He is young, and in these circumstances, youth can count for something. We will just have to wait and see. Emily Crawford holds her daughter tight and watches as Mary Kent stares ahead in shock. Lauren feels herself grow numb.

Dr. Lowery gets up and walks the women toward the intensive care unit. The nurses surround the bed. Lauren can see Jonathan’s face is badly swollen, and bandages cover his head. From beneath the monitoring devices, she can see his hands and forearms are black and blue. His left leg is heavily bandaged and in traction. Lauren begins to tremble. She forces herself to block out everything. She reaches over the tubes and begins to stroke Jonathan’s head. She glances toward her mother. Emily Crawford is holding a sobbing Mary Kent. Lauren turns away and continues to stroke Jonathan’s head.

Jacob Lansing waited for his wife to fall asleep. He did not want to face her. He did not want to say good-bye. He slowly gets out of bed and walks to the living room. He is almost blind now, but this is the home he knows by heart. He leaves the note on the desk. He opens the drawer and takes the pills he has hidden. He takes one last look at the home he loves: the fireplace he and Elizabeth spent so much time designing, the paintings and antiques they bought together. He can barely see them now, but his memory provides the vision his eyes cannot. He walks back to the bedroom and sits in the chair facing his sleeping Elizabeth. Jacob believes in options no matter how painful. Tonight he will exercise the only option he has left. Years in the military taught him the inevitability of death. He learned never to be afraid of it. The cancer that ravaged his body has left him unable to do anything without unbearable pain. He has spent too much time watching Elizabeth become a sad, anxious woman. He cannot bear the feeling of futility any longer. He cannot bear the feeling that he is no longer in control of his own destiny. Tonight he will be. He looks at the wife he loves desperately. She brought him happiness and gave him the only home he ever knew. His heart aches as he thinks about leaving. He closes his eyes as he thinks about Marcus Allen—his unfinished work, the young man he wanted desperately to make whole. He never believed he would desert those he loved. He knows he is doing that now. They are better off without him, he thinks. He takes the pills that will end his agony and theirs. He asks God to forgive him, to understand his misery, and to take care of those he loves. He focuses on his wife’s sleeping face. He wants to remember her face for all eternity. He closes his eyes. He feels his breath slipping away. It becomes harder to breath until he can no longer breathe. His body rattles as he takes his last breath. Death is where time stops and the rhythm of life ends. The distance between mortality and immortality vanishes. There is no retreat. The door to life closes to the body, and the soul leaves to receive judgment.

The room is still as Jacob’s soul enters. A gentle light bathes the room, and the sound of a beautiful lullaby erases all other sound. Jacob’s soul is free from the agony of his mortal body. The feeling of joy that the absence of pain brings overwhelms his being. His soul understands that this joy will not last. His soul hopes that the God he so fervently believes in will grant him mercy. Quietly the figure of a man enters the room. The figure is gray. As the figure comes closer, the face becomes clearer. The face of the man is aged, yet his eyes show the remnants of his youth. Gradually, the room dims, the light replaced by the image of his sleeping wife and his lifeless body in the chair beside her. Jacob listens to the voice of God. The voice is harsh as He approaches Jacob’s soul. Jacob, you have taken your life. You have shown no faith in me. You have removed yourself from those you loved and from Marcus Allen, who was not ready to lose you. His voice falls silent. He lifts his hand and beckons Jacob’s soul to come to Him. The voice softens. Jacob, behold your life, a life you lived in full. His life unfolds. The colors dance around his soul as the room comes alive with the story of his life. Each scene brings the sorrow, laughter, and joy he lived. Jacob’s soul touches the hand of the aged Man. The colors evaporate. The void is filled by different images. This is not his life. It is a different life. The voice slowly explains the life he will redeem. This is a young boy whose mother denied him nothing money could buy but everything that the heart could offer. He became a man filled with a self-hate that makes everyone around him pay for the love he could not have and could not accept. His redemption is your redemption. Remember that you have loved. God releases Jacob’s soul. The light closes around him, and it is dark. He feels unbearable pain and faintly hears the voice of a young woman. As the pain becomes more excruciating, the voice of the young woman becomes louder until all he can here is a name: Jonathan.

Lauren is screaming her husband’s name as the nurses usher her out of the room. The doctors race into Jonathan Kent’s room. She sees the crash cart positioned beside her husband’s bed. Jonathan, don’t die, she cries. The sound outside the room is the steady alarm that signals a code blue. She feels herself tremble as the alarm continues. The nurse who is sitting beside her places her hands over Lauren’s hands. Lauren Kent closes her eyes and prays Jonathan will not die. All she can hear is the sound of the alarm, and when it stops, she is afraid to open her eyes.

Lauren, he is going to be all right, Dr. Lowery says softly.

It is my fault, Lauren cries as she puts her head on the doctor’s shoulders.

It is not your fault. It is his fault, and never forget that. Dr. Lowery’s voice is gentle but firm.

Lauren closes her eyes and cries. She is exhausted and overcome with grief.

Something startles Elizabeth Lansing. She awakes from her sleep and sees Jacob sitting in the chair beside her. She knows the terrible pain he has endured—the hours of endless radiation and chemotherapy. The room is dark. The only sound is the gentle ticking of the clock next to her bed. She pulls her hand from beneath the covers to touch his hand. As she touches his hand, her heart begins to pound in her chest. She screams his name and jumps out of bed. She will not believe what her senses tell her. She kneels in front of the chair to touch his face. She wants to feel the warmth she knows must be there. There is nothing. His skin is cool. His chest is still. She hears herself screaming.

James Parker hears Elizabeth’s cries. He throws the covers back and puts his glasses on. He gently rouses his wife as he reaches for his robe. Jacob Lansing is James Parker’s dearest friend. James has expected this since Jacob came home from the hospital. He has watched a vibrant man deteriorate into an emaciated shell. Elizabeth’s cries tell him that the agony may finally be over for Jacob but only beginning for Elizabeth. He opens the door to his apartment and rushes across the hall. He calls to Elizabeth. Elizabeth answers. Her face is white with fright. Oh please tell me he is not dead, she says. As James Parker enters the bedroom, he knows he will not be able to tell her that.

Lauren cannot sleep. She is watching the heart monitors as if she can will them to continue to pulse. She looks at the bruised face of her husband. She is alone now. Dr. Lowery convinced Mary and her mother to leave. She is glad to be alone. She needs the time alone with her husband.

Jonathan, I love you. I am sorry I did not believe you. She wipes the tears away from her eyes. Your leg is all bandaged. The doctors are not sure about it. I do not care. I want you to live. I want you to write your music and for us to be happy. She touches the top of his head. I know you are upset because I believed your mother, but Jonathan, you never listen to me. The tears choke her voice. I wish you could see me, Jonathan. I wish you could open your eyes. I will never desert you. I will always love you. Please don’t leave me, she says softly.

Jonathan can hear Lauren’s voice. The words are muffled, but the sorrow in her voice is poignant. The gentle touch of her hand on his head gives him peace. He is sorry she is so sad. He cannot help her now. His body is a prisoner to the machines that control his life. He hopes he can see her face once more. Lauren, he calls silently.

Mary Kent is sitting in the chair staring out at the early morning sky. Her pale blue eyes are red from the tears she can no longer stop. The moon is still sitting in the sky, but the orange glow that overtakes the purple night is spreading across the sky. A new day is beginning. Mary Kent approaches each day with a plan. Today she has none. Today her son has planned her day. She has not left the chair since she arrived home. As she looks out onto the morning sky, she wonders when she lost her son. When did the smiling, patient boy become a self-absorbed loner whose response to the woman who loved him was contempt? She has never asked those questions of herself. She instinctively knows the answer. She provided him with no example of what it means to accept or give love. She provided him with an example of how to treat everyone around you like a possession. Her final betrayal was to tell Lauren that he had not ended the affair he had promised to end. Last night, her actions as a mother were rewarded with a night spent waiting for her son to live or die, and it was not over yet. The nightmare she created has arrived. Her stomach turns as she remembers the beautiful boy who wanted to please her and begged for her attention. She would never admit failure, no more than her son would admit lying and hurting the people around him. She taught him well. Unfortunately for both of them, time is a better teacher, and the lessons are often harsh. Mary Kent does the one thing she would never do in public—cry.

The people from the coroner’s office have arrived to examine Jacob. They have closed the door to the bedroom. They have been in there for a while, Elizabeth Lansing says almost to herself. She looks at the clock. It is four thirty in the morning. She is sitting by the fireplace. The embers from last night’s fire are still glowing. Jacob is gone, and these strange men are standing in their bedroom talking. Her eyes understand what she sees, but her heart refuses to understand what is happening. Jenny Parker kneels beside Elizabeth and rubs her hands. Jenny and James have been wonderful to her. Jacob is wonderful to them. Jacob was wonderful to them. Jacob is gone, she reminds herself. She has to keep repeating it to herself. She feels so remote. Jenny is talking to her, but she cannot understand her. She can hear the coroner talking to James Parker and the police. The door to her bedroom opens. James Parker whispers to the police officers standing outside the bedroom. The police stand in front of Elizabeth to block her view. James Parker walks over to her and puts his arms around her shoulders. He is holding her and trying to shield her. Elizabeth pulls away from him. The coroner slowly wheels the black body bag out of the bedroom and out of the apartment. Jacob! she screams. She cannot stop screaming. She wants her husband back.

Dr. Lowery enters Jonathan’s room to find an exhausted Lauren Kent sleeping in the chair. He walks toward the bed and begins to look at the chart. His many years as a doctor have never made him less repulsed by the carnage some people inflict on themselves and others. Jonathan Kent is only thirty-five. Dr. Lowery shakes his head. Stupid, he says to the sleeping man. He gently examines Jonathan. As he looks into Jonathan’s eyes, he believes Jonathan has fallen into a coma. It is the brain’s way of protecting a body unable to withstand the intensity of the pain engulfing it. He will order more tests to confirm his suspicions tomorrow. He looks over at Lauren. She is a beautiful woman, he thinks. Dr. Lowery hopes that the man who fought so desperately to live will be able to see her once more.

He walks over to her and gently touches her shoulder. She opens her eyes, and he bends over the chair.

He is stable, Lauren. There is nothing more to do. Your mom and his mom have gone home. You need to go home and get some sleep.

What if he wakes up and no one is here? Lauren says weakly.

Lauren, he will not wake up for a while. His mom said she would be back this morning. You need to go home, Dr. Lowery says sternly.

She is not sure she can sleep, but she knows she cannot remain at the hospital any longer. She strokes Jonathan’s temple. She looks at the monitor and watches a steady heartbeat. Jonathan, I am very sorry. I love you. Please come home. The words are soft cries. She continues to stroke his temple. I am going home for a little bit, but I will be right back. Dr. Lowery walks her out of Jonathan’s room.

Elizabeth sits on the bed she shared with Jacob and looks around the room that held so much happiness. Everyone is gone now, and the house is quiet. Her long black hair falls loosely on her nightgown, and her eyes are still soaked with tears. She remembers when they bought their bedroom. She wanted French provincial furniture and gentle yellow walls so they would never be sad in their bedroom. He wanted her to have everything she wanted. She had everything she wanted. She had him. Now, she has nothing but sorrow. She wants the world she had before, but that world is gone. She knows nothing will ever be the same. It is early morning, and the light is beginning to filter through the blinds. The yellow walls cast a quiet glow. She remembers how they would lie in bed together and watch the sunrise. All gone now—all the intimacy and tenderness she grew to love are gone. She sees his glasses on the nightstand. She picks up the glasses and holds them in her hands. The tears are relentless now. She knows this is not a dream, but it feels like one. She is in some strange place alone. Her whole body shakes as she rocks back and forth on the bed. Jacob, I love you, she cries. She lies down on her side and closes her eyes. Later she will arrange to bury the only man she ever loved. Now she will cry herself to sleep.

Jonathan is alone. He cannot open his eyes. His body feels empty and devastated. HIs hands are heavy, and he cannot move them. Everything is quiet except for the beautiful music he hears. Scenes from his life fall like images from a camera lens. The images are murky, but the feelings remain sharp. He can feel his breath quicken as he thinks about his mother and her many husbands. Each husband brought more heartache for both of them. He can feel the sorrow he felt when he asked her to look at his science project or the card he made her for Mother’s Day. He thinks about the father who simply abandoned them and who never returned for birthdays or weddings. But the pictures are not done. His sorrow turns to loathing. He watches himself as he abuses his band members or the maître d’s at the clubs he worked in. He sees himself stumbling drunkenly through dark parking lots trying to find his car. He sees the beautiful woman he married crying and asking why it cannot be different. Jonathan wonders if there is a hell deep enough for him, but someone intervenes. This voice comes from within. It is the voice of Jacob’s soul. This voice tells him that the reflections of his life are not for judgment. It asks him to understand that change comes from within and the first lesson is to begin to love oneself. Jonathan has never been able to love himself. He has never been able to see the good in himself. He cannot understand this voice inside of him. The music he hears overtakes his thoughts. He falls into a deeper sleep. All his conscious thoughts melt away. It is quiet again. The space before him is dark, endless, and filled with the wonderful melody that feels so familiar.

Chapter 2

Lauren Kent is holding her husband’s hand. The sunlight is gently drifting into the room. It is two weeks since the night of the crash. The machines are gone except for the monitor that watches his heartbeat. The heart monitor is frightening and comforting all at once. She watches the steady lines that show how his heart is beating. His face is peaceful and resembles the face of the man she loves. He has not opened his eyes, and his left leg remains swollen and in traction. She fears that the doctors may not be able to save it, but for now Jonathan is whole. She kisses his forehead and squeezes his hand. The short, firm grasp of his hand startles her.

Jonathan, can you hear me, darling? Can you feel my hand? she stands up and continues to squeeze his hand gently. She receives the same tug. She kisses his forehead. Her tears are streaming down his face.

She rings the call bell for the nurse. The nurse enters, looks at the monitor, and smiles. She tells Lauren Dr. Lowery will be there to examine Jonathan. Lauren sits down next to Jonathan again. She reaches for Jonathan’s hand and wraps her fingers around it. She wants Jonathan to regain his life. She cannot deal with the overwhelming sense of guilt she feels and has felt every day since the accident. Their marriage is not perfect. Jonathan Kent is a conceited, aloof man whose drinking buries the part of him that loves and cares about people. She remembers birthdays and anniversaries that still make her smile, but she also remembers birthdays and anniversaries when he was too drunk to remember there was a birthday or an anniversary. Her life with him is truly a roller coaster. There are periods of great joy followed by long stretches of heartache that leave her feeling alone and inadequate. Through all of this, she loves him. As she sits back in the chair, she thinks about the last few months of their marriage. Jonathan drank less and did not simply refuse to talk to her when they disagreed. She begins to lean into the bed as she remembers the happiness she felt when he made love to her without her having to ask him. She finally believed her husband had arrived to his marriage. Her heart pounds as she remembers Mary Kent’s conversation. What she remembers more is the sad and forlorn look on Jonathan’s face. She is not sure who felt more betrayed. Jonathan did not deny the affair. Jonathan told her that he had ended the affair months ago. He told her that he knew his lover went to his mother out of spite. He pleaded for her to trust him one more time. The sound of his voice as he admitted he didn’t deserve her trust but begged her to trust him this time still takes her breath away. Every time she plays that scene back in her mind, she regrets not listening to him. She regrets letting him leave angry and hurt. She is holding his hand tightly as her feelings of guilt overwhelm her. She knows that she did not believe him because he had lied so often. He would lie and behave badly when it did not go his way. She will never know if he was telling her the truth, but she is sure that the lie did not deserve the punishment meted out. Jonathan, please wake up and look at me just once more. I am very sorry, she says softly. The sunlight bathes the chair she is sitting on. Her large brown eyes fill with tears. She lifts herself from her seat and kisses his temple.

Jonathan feels Lauren’s hand press against his. He feels the gentle kiss on his temple. He senses the anxiety in her grasp. Jonathan Kent is in twilight. Life is a blur. His senses feel the world around him, but his eyes and voice are lost in another world where there is nothing but endless darkness interrupted by images that flash before him and then vanish. Sometimes he recognizes them and fights to hold onto them. Sometimes they are frightening and he wants to let go. It is the world where this voice has gently brought his life into focus. This voice is not filled with reproach or anger but with the understanding of someone who has lived his heartbreak. Jonathan no longer retreats from this voice. He has come to yearn for its guidance. The voice of Jacob’s soul now has become Jonathan’s core. When the voice is silent, there is a beautiful melody. The beauty of the notes soothes him. He is not afraid of the endless darkness before him. He has come to love it. He tugs at the hand of the woman holding his hand. Jonathan wonders if the woman at his bedside will remain there. Somehow, he knows he has caused her pain. He hopes she will forgive him when he returns. He would like her to remain at his side.

Lauren feels the gentle tug of Jonathan’s hand. She whispers in his ear, Jonathan, this is Lauren. Please wake up, Jonathan. The doctor is coming soon.

Lauren, Jonathan says silently as he returns to the solitude of the darkness.

Elizabeth Lansing is waiting for Jenny Parker to help give Jacob’s things away. She is sitting at the desk with the note Jacob left resting in her hands. She has read the note often in the last two weeks. The shock of her husband’s suicide has subsided. The pain has not. She has read the sentences over and over: Have a good life, my girl. Please pray for me. She puts the note to her lips and kisses it. She loved when he called her his girl. She does not know when she failed him, but she must have. She spent the last two weeks picking out his favorite books, his diary, photos they took of each other, his favorite suit, and his glasses. She will keep the things that will let him live in her memory and her heart. The rest she will give away. She does not know what she wants from life now. Her job as a counselor is still there, but she wonders how she can counsel others while she feels betrayed and angry. She could never hate Jacob. He was the man of her dreams. He counseled her and prodded her gently when she was ready to give up. He loved her in a way that made her feel desired and respected. But death has a way of angering and confusing everyone it touches. There is no acceptance when death is new. There is just this feeling of why did it happen and how could I not have seen it and how could you do this to me. It is endless and tiring. When those left behind are tired enough, they surrender to the will of that unseen being who writes all final chapters. Elizabeth Lansing is not tired. All the anger is still there, and the feelings of betrayal and helplessness are still powerful. She is not sure she can sit with youngsters and guide them toward their futures when she could not manage to console the one person who needed to know that her life meant nothing without him, that she would love him unconditionally, suffer any inconvenience rather than lose him one day sooner. How can she be of use to anyone? She is about to succumb to her grief when the doorbell rings.

Jenny Parker was not sure she could help Elizabeth. Jacob’s death left her as sad and upset as it left Elizabeth. There are always the whys when dying becomes a brutal battle and the person fighting for life is stoic about the struggle. Jenny Parker always believed good people should just die in their sleep. James Parker wondered aloud what all the researchers would do for a living not to mention the doctors. Jenny reminded him to look around if he thought there was a shortage of bad people.

Elizabeth hugs Jenny as she opens the door. Thanks, Jenny. I am glad you could help me. I placed all the things I wanted to keep in my closet so it will be easier for us.

Jenny looks at Elizabeth and puts her arms around her. Elizabeth Lansing is trembling and holds onto her tightly.

Elizabeth, he was a wonderful man. I am sure he is in God’s hands, Jenny says softly.

Elizabeth cannot tell Jenny that Jacob committed suicide. She cannot share that with anyone.

I hope God will be gentle with him, Elizabeth says almost to herself. Jenny Parker kisses her cheek and strokes her hair. Elizabeth smiles weakly.

Do you want to start with the closets? Jenny asks.

Yes, that sounds good. Jenny takes Elizabeth by the hand as they head into the bedroom. Elizabeth holds Jenny’s hand tightly. She is giving away Jacob’s clothes.

Marcus Allen did not go to school. He simply left in the morning, waited for his mother to leave, and then returned home. He has the whole day to himself. He is lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. The unfinished piano music is sitting on his desk. He misses Jacob. He misses his taskmaster, the father who came into his life and helped him see beyond it. Now that taskmaster father is gone. Now the vision they created together somehow has to survive his father’s death. Marcus knew Jacob was dying. It was painful and obvious. As the illness progressed, the results were devastating. Jacob was nearly blind the last time Marcus saw him. Marcus was almost relieved, because it shielded Jacob from the tears he could not control. When he met Jacob, the drug dealer Javier Mantenga had just murdered Marcus’s brothers. Marcus had known the life his brothers chose was both violent and dangerous. He saw his brothers as victims of desperate poverty and a shattered home life. His mother saw them as drug pushing animals she was sorry to have given life. He feels all the hurt and anger that Jacob Lansing removed return. Marcus begins to cry as he thinks of the patience Jacob showed him. He remembers how he mocked the white man that came to help a black teenager. Over time, the mockery turned to love. Marcus wipes the tears from his deep brown eyes. He sits up, trying to control his tears. He remembers Jacob’s willingness to listen to every excuse and then patiently, if sometimes forcefully, explain why a different choice was possible. Marcus Allen did not attend Jacob’s funeral. He could not bear to hear any nonsense about going back to God. He wonders why God would punish a good man like Jacob and leave the animals that inhabited the street corners at night. The last thing Jacob ever said to him was, If I never see you again, remember what I taught you and remember I will always love you. There is no one around now. Marcus simply closes his eyes and whispers, Pops, I miss you so. He feels the anger and resentment grow. Why? he asks the invisible being who may or may not be listening.

Lauren Kent is standing beside Dr. Lowery. She is so excited about the tug of Jonathan’s hand. Dr. Lowery finishes his examination.

Lauren, his eye movements are still not focused, but the good news is there is some reaction to his surroundings. We are not out of the woods yet, but we may be getting there. Just try to keep providing him with stimulus. He has suffered severe trauma, and right now his body’s reaction to this was to shut down, Dr. Lowery says as he stands by Jonathan’s bed. He can see the desperation in Lauren’s eyes.

Doctor, do you think there is chance he will not wake up? I mean, I never felt him tug my hand before. I… Lauren feels as if all the hope she had has been brushed aside.

Lauren, don’t do this. The fact that he is tugging at your hand is voluntary action and a good sign. I just do not want you to set deadlines for him. Just keep providing him with stimulus and do not get discouraged. Returning to consciousness is a journey. He may have a long one.

I love him so much, doctor, Lauren says as she leans on the handrails of the bed.

Lauren, somehow I think the tug you feel is his way of saying he loves you as well. It is a waiting game. Don’t give up on him. He is in there somewhere, Dr. Lowery says gently.

Jonathan once again feels the soft fingers on his forehead. The touch of her hand makes him feel alive. He is not yet ready to return. He needs more time.

Rosetta Allen knows her son is home. She knows that when he left this morning he was not going to school. Unlike his brothers, he is not out selling drugs. He is home mourning. Rosetta Allen’s faith in God has been tested many times. She never attempts to understand God’s will. She does not believe that God is some benevolent soul. Her life never has permitted her to entertain any such notion. Rosetta Allen’s faith is simple. She believes that your life is not measured by what others do for you but what you do for others. She expects nothing in return, because she instinctively understands that she will receive nothing. When Jacob Lansing came into her life, she believed he was an angel sent to help her and her son. She still believed miracles happened. God decided that her life would see the darker side of his personality once more. As she cleans the floors in the empty auditorium, her heavyset figure looms like a dark silhouette. She remembers Fr. Mortolo introduced Jacob Lansing to the family. Fr. Mortolo believed that Marcus was a gifted musician who simply needed help. Jacob Lansing was a tall, slender man in his early fifties. His look said soldier the moment you saw him. Like Rosetta’s husband, he fought in Desert Storm. She liked him immediately. It was not easy to work with Marcus. After Javier Mantenga killed his brothers, Marcus expected justice. Rosetta expected nothing. When Mantenga was not punished, Marcus became angry and withdrawn. He would write music that would just sit there. Jacob Lansing changed all that. He took no nonsense from her son. Marcus learned quickly not to give Jacob back talk or make excuses when things did not get done. Rosetta Allen does not understand why God simply abandoned her son. Why would he punish a good man like Jacob and leave her sons’ murderers unpunished? She knows those questions will receive no answer. She stops mopping the floor and leans on her mop. She bites her lip to hold back her tears. She will not cry. She will not permit God to make her cry. No matter what, she will never let God see her cry. She will never let him know how much it hurts. Her son called God a bastard. She slapped his face. No son of hers will call God a bastard. She continues mopping the floors and does the only thing she can do for Jacob Lansing and her son—she prays.

Tom Short arrives to take Elizabeth Lansing to dinner. He is a man in his late fifties. His sky-blue eyes are hidden behind steel-rimmed glasses, and his face is made more severe by the early onset of gray that has left only traces of black. Jacob was Tom’s commanding officer when they served in Desert Storm. Tom was always in awe of Jacob’s ability to be both compassionate and ruthless at once. He respected the man who stood by the men in his command when they returned home in need of care. There was no time of day that would prevent Jacob from taking their phone calls or visiting them in the hospital. Tom Short questioned what life was all about when his wife died, and now he has simply decided life has no meaning at all. Life is just a series of random events that mean nothing. Years as a judge have embittered him. He watched as Jacob and his wife suffered cruel and unrelenting pain while others, more deserving of that kind of pain, never suffered any consequence for the misery they caused. If anyone was watching these things, he has concluded, that being must be either blind or spiteful. He has not seen Elizabeth since the funeral. He wanted her to have some time to grieve. When Jenny Parker called him to tell him that Elizabeth had asked her to help pack up Jacob’s things, Tom felt the time was right to begin to ease Elizabeth back into her life. Tom has mixed emotions about giving Jacob’s things away, but he is certain Jacob would approve. Jacob Lansing would never deny anyone care. When Jacob’s letter arrived, it contained all the details for carrying out the provisions of his will and a fervent plea to take care of his girl. Tom made sure Jacob’s will was executed the way Jacob wanted it to be, and now he is going to take care of Jacob’s girl.

Elizabeth Lansing opens the door and looks both tentative and sad. Tom feels his heart sink. He remembers a very different woman with a ready smile and sparkling eyes that made you feel good just looking at her. That woman is lost right now. Her face is pale, and those sparkling hazel eyes have lost their glow. The long flowing black hair is pulled back in a ponytail. The beautiful, confident woman looks like an abandoned child. She asks him to come in.

Tom, I am going to show you something. I do not know if you already know. Jacob left this note. He did not die of the cancer, Elizabeth says sadly as she hands the note to him. Tom does not look at the note. His voice is gentle yet firm.

"Elizabeth, I do not want to read the note. If the note contains something about the way Jacob died and it is incriminating, as an officer of the court, I am obligated to report it. I know you need to talk about it, but I do not want to read the note. He was a good man, Elizabeth. He suffered tremendously. His decision is between himself