Pits, Poems and Prayers

By Amanda-Jane Cameron

Many people try to cover up their problems, or see themselves as victims.. Aj shares that God searches our heart, and if we are honest with Him, then He can help, in ways that can convince us of His existence.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jul 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504939065

Amanda-Jane Cameron

Aj had an eating disorder for 12.5 years and although giving her life to Jesus meant she was “Set Free” there was still the outworking of that. Here she shares her life and emotions. She has been called a “Bomb Scare” “Raw” “Extreme” and A “Bible Basher”, ....She sees it as her past gone..

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

I was born in Raigmore Hospital, Inverness, My Mother had the blue lights of the emergency ambulance because they lived with my older brother and sister in an idyllic place called Larachbeg near Lochaline. My Dad worked with the Forestry Commission and my Mum cooked, sewed and did all the stay at home mum stuff looking after my older brother and sister. Work was scarce so they moved up to Fort William, where we all made lifelong friends with a couple who we still keep in touch with. Again work called for us to move, this time down to Mussleburgh, where my Parents had a wallpaper shop. Mum was carrying my sister Alison…

After Alison was born we got a bigger council house in a place called Pinkie where we grew up. I remember how we all had to learn to share with the foster kids they took in over the years. Some were not so nice but the majority relished having people interested in them. I had to share my clothes, room and even friends. I would even take that foster kid to school with me! Most of the time I got on with the foster kids, and became quite close to a few but those friendships were never to last as they had to leave.

The upbringing that my dad and mum came from was hard and I think they were being helpful to others. My Dad set up a taxi business, which caused them both to work from home for long, long hours and the business was part of the family. We all learned to take our turns being polite on the phone and using the cab radios to talk to the drivers.

The first poem I wrote was in primary 7 about a black and white Panda who fell in love with Ulanda? And how they went to Uganda, that silly black and white Panda??

I was asked to write it in the special book my teacher Mrs. Young kept for showing off good works within the class. I remember how beautifully is was drawn upon the front. Various times I’d ask my mum to give me a subject to write a poem about and I recall one about a radiator and another about a tree!

A tree a tree how can it be,

Standing so regal and lovely,

It cannot be this cannot walk,

But oh how I wish that it could talk…….

It does get a little better… I hope.

I was quite a big built girl at high school (12-14 size) but had many good and great friends whom I admire so much and whom have come back into my life in tiny bits through Facebook I was going out with an amazing guy, generous and kind… but I saw school as a social scene and never applied myself to anything other than seeing my friends. Fashion and new ways of escape, such as drinking at the weekend and smoking, dope also.

After leaving school, with little qualifications, I was cut off a lot from everything. I worked for my Dad and Mum on the taxi business and didn’t really go out much, except to see my boyfriend.

As soon as I was 16 I moved in with a friend, to her brothers flat. I tried to take my guy back one night, only to discover I wasn’t allowed to bring him in so we left and slept in one of my Dads cars…. We had been to my cousins wedding together and after it my older sister took us to a Gay nightclub in Edinburgh! We held hands so tightly that night as our eyes were opened to a whole different world…

CHAPTER TWO

It wasn’t long before I was smoking loads of drugs and thoroughly embracing the Freedom of my own (ish) place. I still worked a lot though and developed a huge passion for Bob Marley and hash (cannabis). I would often sit on my days off on my own just listening to His music and rolling up. I was losing contact with my friends too.

Tragedy happened when my flat mates Mum died of cancer. A most precious and wonderful woman who was so kind and had a great heart, with lots of love for everyone. She and her husband had adopted a load of kids and was very skilled at managing them all, she was always bright and breezy and for a woman so great to die in such a short time was a shock to everyone. It’s at those times when your mind wanders to God.

I’d been at a catholic school and was confirmed etc. etc. I wore a crucifix, but didn’t know anything except that I had to make up sins to tell the priest because my life was actually quite boring. Things happened yeah, but I never wanted to REALLY say all about my life, so, the Priest would tell me to say 3 hail Mary’s and 2 Our Fathers and I’d actually feel good while I was in church! Now here I was questioning WHY? Why not some loser? Why not someone who wasn’t so needed here? Why do bad things happen to really good people?

That night I took off my cross, which I’d worn for years, I flushed it away or chucked it in the bin, there was no answer…… The weeks went by and I was lost for words to say to my flat mate, I often woke up at night to feel her cuddling me, as we shared a double mattress, but I could not bring myself to do or say anything at all. She was obviously hurting.

My freedom didn’t last as my flat mate was needed back at home to help with the running of the house so I had to move back in with my parents. Coming back under their authority was real hard for me as I had embraced growing up, I had been paying rent for the flat, my puppy fat was leaving and I started running along the beach near us when I’d finish work around 4am. I could smoke a joint without any looks or hassle from my Parents.. BLISS.

I couldn’t do that as easily back home, as my work -Taxi controlling – was out in a caravan in the garden (The office) My family were always popping in and out. Oh it had all the mod cons..Phones, Radios, kettle, Video player and my Dad even set up the Sky TV. I saw on a tv programme – neighbors- a girl who was making herself sick to lose weight, I scrunched my nose up then but as the days past I was getting bigger because all my eating had changed back to Mamas house food. And I wasn’t smoking nearly as much as I did when I was in my flat.

The eating disorder began very easily. Very easily and very quickly. I would hide packets of biscuits in the drawer, and piles of sweets, I’d ask my Mum for dinner too, I became so deceitful and secretive that I could not share with anyone what I was doing. My Mum is a tremendous cook but the portions were just too big and I thought I was being ungrateful if I left any so I would eat, then eat and keep on eating until I literally burst, vomiting.

Reader, I have seen over the years that an eating disorder is deemed quite common, fashionable even! But I tell you, it floored me, and those around me. My Parents