I Want Out: How to Get out Without Losing Yourself, Your Dignity, and Your Money

By Sean Collinson

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.
When you change your perception, you change your results.
, Custody, and Child Support
Sometimes life can take turns which we are unprepared for. Divorce is one of those detours in life that rock the foundation upon which we live.

Without proper guidance and support, divorce can seem like an overwhelming and frightening path. Fortunately, there is hope! This book provides that vital guidance and support.

In "I Want Out," Family and Divorce Mediation Expert Sean Collinson provides practical and psychological insights which are derived from his many years of experience in the family law system. In this must have book, Sean educates and helps change perceptions in order to achieve successful results by operating in reality verses heated emotion. Sean writes from the heart, from experience, and from the point of view of an ally.

"I Want Out" provides the reader with insights, ideas, and wisdom on divorce, child custody, child support, mediation, lawyers, and so much more. It is filled with information to get you successfully through these challenging times.

"I Want Out" speaks to those who are contemplating divorce, going through
divorce or are unmarried and dealing with paternity issues and concerns.
It lends an opportunity to evaluate the situation, create a plan of action, and
ultimately, to make educated decisions toward a solution that can help
you get your life back on track and allow you to move on.

AVOID COMMON MISTAKES PROTECT YOURSELF!

You dont get what you deserve; you get what you negotiate.
-Sean Collinson

Take control of your situation with assertiveness and strategic thinking
Learn how to deal with difficult personalities
Learn how to protect yourself and make better choices

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 26, 2013
• ISBN: 9781477291412

Sean Collinson

SEAN COLLINSON is a Family Law and Divorce Mediation Expert based in Los Angeles, California. He has mediated over 1000 cases since 2003, and has specialized in mediation and negotiation training from the Harvard Negotiation Insight Initiative at Harvard Law School. Sean has mediated high conflict, high asset, and high profile divorce cases for entertainment celebrities and sports figures from Los Angeles to New York. Sean's extraordinary work with lawyers and judges from the Superior Court has given him unique insight into the inner workings of the court system, and how decisions are made by the courts. He uses this knowledge and experience in his mediation practice where he aligns their needs and concerns to achieve successful resolutions for all involved parties. Sean is committed to justice, fairness and empowerment for all parties. Sean has been seen on national television, was featured on the The Tyra Banks Show, and can be heard on KNX 1070 Radio with Bob McCormick on "Your Money 101." SEAN COLLINSON encompasses the ability to do extraordinary things. I am honored to say I have witnessed the unsurpassed results Sean produces by taking simple facts and creating intricate connections and conclusions. He is able to gauge facts and get the best results possible. His vision with respect to the issues in front of him is uncanny, as he encourages his clients to see multiple perspectives and think outside the box. Benjamin Crump, Esq. SEAN COLLINSON not only conveyed a level of competency and substantive awareness in the area of divorce, but I felt as if Sean had the spirit of an old friend who was there to console me in the dugout, having my best interests at heart. Bernie Williams

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IWANT OUT

How To Get Out Without Losing Yourself,

Your Dignity, and Your Money

SEAN COLLINSON

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2013 by Sean Collinson. All rights reserved.

Cover & interior design: Exchange design company

Edited by Debbie Bermeo

Cover photography: Shawn

No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private use other than for fair use as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews without prior written permission of the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter concerned. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher and authors are not engaged in rendering legal, financial, psychological advice.

Laws are constantly changing and are different in each state. You should not rely in any way on this book for specific legal information or legal advice. The purpose is to educate the reader about general problems and general approaches to handling these problems. The publisher and authors are not responsible for personal decisions or interpretations of the information provided herein.

This is not legal advice. The information provided in this book is for informational purposes only, and is no substitute for an in-person consultation with an attorney who can analyze all of the facts and determine how your state and local laws may apply to your specific situation.

If expert legal assistance, an attorney, or both are needed, please seek a qualified professional in your local area who are competent in the subject matter of this book.

The stories that appear throughout this book have been reprinted with permission from the individual involved. In some cases, names and identifying details have been changed to preserve confidentiality.

Published by AuthorHouse 02/19/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4772-9143-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-9142-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-9141-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012921718

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book in loving memory of my grandmother, Audrey Wood, whose love and support has stayed with me all these years, and whose life lessons growing up in Brooklyn shaped me.

CONTENTS

Foreword

INtroduction

Chapter One

Preparing For Court

Chapter Two

Behind The Court Bench

Chapter Three

Contemplating Divorce

Chapter Four

Playing It Smart And Knowing Your Options

Chapter Five

Hallway Justice

Chapter Six

Ex Parte

Chapter Seven

Fault Versus No Fault Divorce

Chapter Eight

The Prenuptial Agreement

Chapter Nine

Child Support

Chapter Ten

Understanding Child Custody

Chapter Eleven

Prepare For Custody Case

Chapter Twelve

Custody Evaluations

Chapter Thirteen

Long-Term And Short-Term Marriages

Why It Matters

Chapter Fourteen

Make Divorce Work For You

Chapter Fifteen

Property, Retirement, And The Divorce

Chapter Sixteen

Reflections About Divorce

Chapter Seventeen

Domestic Violence And Protective Orders

Chapter Eighteen

Hacking And Invasion Of Privacy

Chapter Nineteen

Reconciliation Tactics

Chapter Twenty

Case Management

Chapter Twenty-One

Reconnect With Your A Game

Chapter Twenty-Two

Divorce Stress Diet

Chapter Twenty-Three

Changing The Game Plan

Chapter Twenty-Four

Emotions Vs Logic—Defining Your Goals

Chapter Twenty-Five

The Narcissist

Chapter Twenty-Six

A Strong Foundation

Acknowledgment

About The Author

Notes

Foreword

Throughout my experiences working side by side with Sean Collinson, I have come to know him as one who encompasses the ability to do extraordinary things. I am honored to say I have witnessed the unsurpassed results Sean produces by taking simple facts and creating intricate connections and conclusions. He is able to gauge facts and get the best results possible. His vision with respect to the issues in front of him is uncanny, as he encourages his clients to see multiple perspectives and think outside the box. Clients are often focused on the win/lose aspects of their case. A one-track mind tends to focus on a winner takes all attitude based on personal agendas. Sean challenges that, and changes it to enable a victory based on the ability to cooperate, negotiate amicably, and arrive at a result that may have seemed at first to be inaccessible.

Sean has the incredible ability to convert the thinking of even the most intensely warring opponents into that of understanding and competent comprehension of the other side’s position in the debate. This unique strategy provides Sean’s clients the ability to recognize the value of achieving an agreement that satisfies the overall best interests of both sides, and overcome their personal agendas or revengeful demeanor.

I personally witnessed Sean mediate an agreement between family members who could not possibly be in the same room together, never mind reach an agreement. I was skeptical. I had doubts that the parties could in some way agree to a solution that would be in everyone’s best interests. Sean’s demeanor and persona instilled and continues to instill an air of trust in his clients that I have never before seen. In the end, with Sean’s unique view of the facts and portrayal to the parties, all were in agreement as to the decision made.

I believe Sean’s gift is that he does not limit himself to just one perspective. He is able to see everyone’s position while working with everyone’s concerns towards an understanding state of mind. He is truly able to convert people’s thinking from a win/lose attitude to a win/win approach. He achieves the finest results possible for both sides. Sean is not blind-sighted by the mentality of pitting one party against the other inherent in the winner take all approach.

Despite my years of experience, Sean has taught me negotiation skills, creative perspectives, and expansive approaches that can be applied beyond law, to business and even personal life. Sean strongly believes in the power of people to be constructive no matter the chaos that may be defining their lives. This concept is intrinsic in his work and teachings. It is also my true belief that the road to greatness is not about how great you can become, but how you negotiate your challenges, the common denominator of which is success. Sean’s success is encompassed in just that.

In I Want Out, Sean offers his personal experiences as a father as well as his experience as a divorce and family mediator and educator. If you were to ask family law judges for one piece of advice, you would probably hear the same thing repeatedly: be prepared. Sean’s book, I Want Out, will get you prepared.

-Benjamin L. Crump, Civil Rights Attorney

INTRODUCTION

A common notion and possibly the most logical title for this book could have been, "What You Do Not Know Will Hurt You." How can this be? If you are not an attorney, do not understand the law, court procedures, or how to apply the law to the facts, you may end up hurt in any courtroom situation. Courts are designed and set up to follow procedures. Courtrooms have clerks, stenographers, bailiffs and, of course, a judge. When you take a dispute to court you are saying that you cannot work out the issues and that a judge needs to act as a referee to help you resolve your conflict. At this point, the ball is in the hands of the court, and they will set the rules as they see fit.

After spending ten years assisting families as a mediator and acting as a litigation case analyst, I have an in-depth understanding of what truly happens in court. Interestingly enough, the Hollywood portrayal of what happens in that courtroom and what in fact happens procedurally in the courtroom, are entirely two different things. It is reasonable to assume that courts are interested in what wrongs the other person may have done to us. But I have learned this is not always the case. The common saying is, there are always two sides to a story. As a matter of fact, there are THREE sides: Your side, their side, and the truth. Your version of the truth will be embedded in the possibility that you are credible. The ever-preferred version of the story, however, depends on what position you are attempting to convince a court is the one it should believe. When parties take each other to court, they do so to prove, I am right and you are wrong.

Take note, being right can be expensive. When you involve lawyers, custody evaluators, forensic accountants, and a plethora of other third party experts to assist in proving your case and determining its worth, the costs can be excessive. If you put it in perspective, the cost of litigating your matter quite possibly could have been used for your child’s college education, retirement for yourself, or kept for a rainy day. What is most important to remember is that this book is meant to be a situation guide and a weapon in your arsenal. With greater understanding of the process, you can reduce the cost of the litigation and reduce the stress that often goes along with the litigation of your divorce. This book will explain the ins and outs of the court process, with the main objective of providing you with clarity, understanding, empowerment, and insight into an extremely frightening and life altering experience.

CHAPTER ONE

PREPARING FOR COURT

Divorce is not as uncommon as you think; 50 percent of all Americans will experience a divorce. That is half of the citizens of the United States! And even though divorce rates have shot up, Americans still make the choice to have children without having the marriage. Although these individuals may avoid a messy divorce, there are still issues of paternity that can result in litigation. Often, going to court in these types of cases is for the purpose of establishing a parental relationship and responsibility, even if you are not married. Here is how it works: If you are married, it is presumed that the contended father is the father of the child. If you are not married, however, you have to establish this parental relationship. This topic will be discussed in depth in later chapters.

Let us go back to the notion of, "I want to be right, and I need a judge to tell you that you are wrong." When you enter the courtroom, leave your emotions at the door. A courtroom is not your therapist’s office; judges do not have time to entertain drama. Although courtrooms are very much dramatic environments, judges frown upon the disruption that emotions create in their courtrooms. Does that make sense? It is undisputed that the process of divorce can be a long and emotionally draining road. It is understood that you are going to be emotional. It is also understood that you believe you have been wronged. That is how you feel and your feelings are valid and real. You have to understand, however, that there is an appropriate time and place to share your feelings, and a court of law is not that time and place. Secondly, most judges are fact oriented. They are not interested in your emotions. They simply want to know the facts. I believe in all cases, a court’s decision comes down to one thing; it is not what happened, but more importantly… what you can prove happened. Courts work off of evidence. Evidence is the key to your success; a lack of it works to your disadvantage.

Not all divorces go to court for the same issues. It may be that you are upset, or that you are just angry and volatile. Perhaps feeling, I cannot take anymore of this; I am going to take you to court! The old famous words, I want a divorce, cut like a double-edged sword. The other party may be surprised when a process server shows up at their door and serves them with a summons to appear in court, or they may have been expecting it as just a matter of time. Either way, you need to be prepared for the beginning of the storm. In the beginning, the clouds turn black, the day becomes gloomy, and you know a storm is coming. Remember, however, that the storm will pass and the rough seas will eventually calm. It is important to remain in control of your situation by thinking through your decisions, and using all the resources at hand, including this book.

Lastly, parties take one another to court because they are angry, upset, frustrated, or because they begin to feel trapped in a corner as if there is no way out. When you are consumed with emotions like these, it is human nature to fight, fight your way out. No one wants to have the anxiety of feeling trapped with no way out. So, when the other party says, I’ll take you to court, you better believe they will follow through, so prepare yourself. You may no longer recognize the other person now battling you in court; your relationship is redefined. Someone in whom you once confided and fought battle with as a team, is now on the other side. This is the day for which you must prepare. Your day has arrived; you will have your day in court. Although you feel betrayed, you will soon find your strength. You can find your strength in identifying your goals, and navigating towards the long-term goal; not focusing on the temporary situation or short-term results.

Court Documents

What is a declaration? A declaration is a written document that is prepared by one side to explain the facts and their position in the case on a certain issue such as support, visitation, or custody. The declaration is supposed to be written under penalty of perjury (only the truth), yet somehow it often finds its way to be written perjured, and with the facts skewed. When you are served with court documents and a declaration telling you when and where to show up to your court hearing, it is not uncommon to feel attacked or betrayed. You will find that you immediately put up a wall of protection. This person is trying to show the court that you are wrong and they are right in an effort to prove that they should be vindicated and you should be punished. Most people have the, I can’t believe they wrote this about me! reaction. This is the part of the struggle where you acknowledge that your relationship will never be the same. We tend to forget the good times when we go to court, and replace them with pungent memories of all the times we have been wronged. Your emotions can get the best of you as you read the document that has memorialized, for all to see, your faults, your shortcomings, and the allegations the other party has made against you. This declaration reflects the hurt the other party has felt, and can portray a position of anger and bitterness. Ultimately, going to court is a way of getting revenge. Adding fuel to the fire, the other party desires a third party, referee, or judge to side with them. At this point, because they have written such horrible things about you, you feel naturally compelled to write a declaration including horrible and compelling things about them. This is normally called the blood bath. Here is where the fighting can intensify. Of course, if someone writes horrible things about you, a wall goes up and you feel compelled to defend yourself no matter what it takes. This is a natural instinct. At this point, you are faced with two options: (1) you can write a responsive declaration with slanderous information; (2) You can rise above it and follow the approaches that have been recommended in this book.

You can use your anger, your bitterness, and take the position of saying that the person is wrong because ultimately you just want to defend yourself. The other side said such horrible things about you, you feel compelled to do the same. I understand it can be hard to push past this negative emotion and not take the same approach. But at some point, you have to have emotional control and self-control in order to understand how the battle is to be won. It is almost like playing chess. You have to be two to three moves ahead of the opponent. Taking the same approach as your spouse will land you in the same place where they currently stand. Later, I will discuss the declaration nightmare, and how writing a declaration of pure hatred and bitterness, with the ultimate goal of revenge, will not only cost you your case, but will NOT land you in the ideal position in which you wish to be. I will show you how to rise above it all and take the right steps so you stay two to three moves ahead of your opponent.

My first book, How to Win In And Out of Family Court, is a practical guide, a how-to book. It explains custody, domestic violence, divorce, separation, and paternity. It also examines the various practicalities of the family court system. It even dives into the intricacies of the child support and custody. I wrote that book in my freshman year of the divorce mediation arena. The book proved to be necessary to anyone thrown into the trials and tribulations of family court. It benefitted many people with the unknowns of family court. In writing my book, I believe that clarification of family law terms is necessary, beyond the legalese jargon. I believe that understanding the process and the terms of the field simplifies and allows people to begin to understand what is about to go on in their lives. I hope my first book served you well. I had every intention to do just that. I wrote that book in 2004, at the post-outcome of my own custody case. It was my way to vent my emotions in a safe environment, and learn to be methodical as I made my moves.

Think Positive

As I mentioned before, you must remain two to three steps ahead of your opponent. Writing my book served that purpose. Having my plan laid out and my book to reference, afforded me the ability to reflect on what was happening. It allowed me to begin to envision my success. I began to understand that if I stayed calm and remained vigilant, I could clearly see what was happening and strategize accordingly. I had an ultimate vision for success. Unfortunately, I felt undermanned in my own court case, and I had a dismal relationship with my commissioner in the family court. A judge is appointed by the state, while a commissioner is hired by the court. If you feel you will get a fairer shot by a judge rather than being heard by a commissioner, the opportunity is available for you to not stipulate to a commissioner; you may have your case heard by a judge. It is important to note,