Lily & Tonic

By Kaatje deBruijne

When do you know when the fine line between love and obsession has been crossed?

Mark and Kerry have it allthe perfect love, the perfect relationship, and a bright futureor so it seems. But these two people have two very different perceptions of their relationship. In Marks eyes, theirs is the perfect lovelove at first sight. Hell go crazy if he cant have her. When he returns after visiting family abroad, he struggles to find the courage to ask Kerry to marry him.

Kerry, on the other hand, is trying to find the strength to say good-bye. She never finds that couragebut she leaves him anyway.

Weighed down by a secret she cannot share, Kerry returns to the place she once called home. There she reunites with a family she thought she had lost foreverand meets Derek. Soon she finds herself being torn apart by the love of two men. Can she find the courage to do what is best for her and her daughter, when for so long she has been putting others needs before her own?

When youre obsessed, youll do anything to have what you want. But when you are in love, their life means more to you than your own. Can Kerry walk that fine line, or will forces beyond her control determine her fate?

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 22, 2012
• ISBN: 9781475948172

Kaatje deBruijne

Kaatje deBruijne is a Canadian author, born and raised in Northern Ontario. Her family is an important part of her life and she loves to travel. Inspired by these facets of her life, she takes the reader along on a road trip back to her main character's roots and family. When Kaatje isn’t writing or immersing herself in other novels, she trains in the Korean Martial Art Kuk Sool Won.

Book preview

Chapter One

Mark Evatt stepped off the plane and took a deep breath of Canadian air as he headed into the terminal to collect his luggage. No doubt, Ireland had been beautiful, but it was good to be home again after five months away. It had been an emotional trip; he had watched his father’s health slowly deteriorate, and then he had to say good-bye to him, plan his funeral, and help his mother get used to life without him. His father’s death made him realize how short life was. While he still had the chance, he wanted to start a family of his own with the person he had missed constantly while he was abroad.

He followed the crowd of people through the terminal and watched as everyone waited to meet his or her loved ones—the mothers and fathers anxious for their children to find them and the partners eager for their other halves to come home. Mark watched as all of the other returning passengers were greeted by their loved ones. He wished that his girlfriend, Kerry Beckett, had been there to meet him, so that he could take in her long, beautiful, strawberry-blonde hair and her gorgeous deep-green eyes. He would have loved to take her into his arms and feel her firm, curvy body against his. Yet, she did not even know that he was coming home today on the early flight. He wanted to surprise her, so he was willing to wait to see her.

The crowd moved toward the baggage claim, and Mark gathered up his luggage before stopping at the airport register desk to pick up something on hold. He found a taxi to drive him home and sighed in relief when he stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of his house. He lugged his suitcase inside and dumped it in the hallway before heading to his bedroom, setting his alarm, and crashing onto the bed for a good, long sleep.

Hours later, his alarm woke him, dragging him from a wonderful dream. He groaned and sighed before getting into the shower. When he was ready, he jogged down the stairs to where he had left his carry-on bag, pulled something out of the pocket, and then jogged back upstairs to put it in his drawer. Next, he trotted out to his car, ignoring the suitcase in the hall. He was not in a rush to unpack just yet.

Mark got all the stuff he needed and headed back to the house. A couple of hours later, he was finally ready to see the one person he had missed while in Ireland. He just hoped that she was home when he called.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard her voice on the other end of the line saying hello. It sounded so clear and so close, unlike it had the few times they were able to talk while he was away. It was his lucky evening; she was home.

Hi, hon, how are you? Mark asked softly into the phone.

There was silence on the other end.

Hon? Mark prodded.

The phone didn’t ring long distance, Kerry whispered softly. Does that mean you’re home?

Yes, it does. I can’t wait to see you. Are you busy tonight? Can you come over?

I can, Kerry said.

They reluctantly bid each other good-bye. Mark knew that all he had to do now was sit back and wait until the love of his life was in his arms.

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Kerry took a deep breath as she stood on the doorstep to a house she had not been to in more than five months, and then she slowly raised her hand to knock. Mark must have been waiting anxiously for her because her hand had not even connected with the door when it was yanked open. Standing in front of her was the man who still sent her heart into overdrive when it should not be reacting to him at all.

Kerry, he breathed as a smile lit up his face. Then he stopped and stared at her as if he were drinking in the sight of her. Kerry, he murmured again as he pulled her into a hug. He seemed too emotional to put a coherent sentence together.

Kerry gave him a smile as he led her into his house after releasing her.

How is your mom holding up? How was your flight? Kerry asked, taking in his suitcase still in the hallway.

She is getting better, but it was time for me to leave. She has to learn to cope on her own. The flight was fine, nothing exciting. It brought me back to my girl.

He looped his arm around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder, turning her face into it to hide her strained smile and teary eyes.

Come on, hon; let’s eat.

My God! Kerry exclaimed, taking in the sight of the living room. You just got back. How did you have time to do this?

He had laid a blanket on the living room floor and covered it with rose petals. On top of the blanket were pillows to sit on and more food than either of them could eat. Every kind of homemade Chinese food imaginable—Mark’s favourite dishes to make—was present. There was also a circle of candles around the blanket, flickering in the dark room, adding to the ambiance. He had soft music playing in the background, which Kerry did not hear until he led her into the room. The room smelled beautiful, so romantic and sweet. It had been a long time since Kerry had seen this side of Mark.

I got back earlier this morning, Mark said, leading her carefully onto the blanket.

Kerry was speechless.

Mark started to fill her plate, silently encouraging her to eat. Kerry nodded in return but could not speak. She tried to hide the sadness that was blooming into her eyes, as she was reminded of what Mark used to be like when they first started going out close to five years earlier.

Kerry, is something wrong?

She noticed that Mark had stopped what he was doing and was studying her intently. No, Kerry said with a smile. I just can’t believe you’re finally home, she added.

Mark smiled in return and began to eat. Kerry picked at her food, moving it around her plate to create the impression that she had eaten some of it. Chinese food had never been her favourite, and she was sure it would agree with her even less now than it did before.

There is something wrong! Mark proclaimed, moving over so he was sitting beside Kerry. You aren’t eating, and you’re really quiet.

Neither of us has been talking, Kerry said with a small laugh.

True, Mark said. His smile did not last long. But you aren’t eating.

Kerry gave him a sheepish smile as she put her plate down. I ate before I came, she lied. I’m sorry. You went to all this trouble …

Don’t be sorry, Mark said, his face brightening. You know I love to cook Chinese food, especially for you, hon.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek, and then he was taking her hand, pulling her up. She barely had time to set her plate down. She let him lead her out of the living room but stopped at the door.

The food is going to go bad if you leave it out, Kerry commented, trying to put off going where they were heading.

Mark looked at her and shook his head.

Always so logical.

Kerry blushed and tried to hide her face.

Mark turned her face toward him and kissed her lips. That kiss was torture, a reminder of all that she had to lose and all that she had lost already. When they broke apart, he stared into her eyes.

I have waited five long months for my girl. What are a few more minutes? he murmured in her ear as he kissed the tender spot on her neck.

She cursed her body for reacting to that kiss, responding as it always did when he kissed her there. She was trying to tell him good-bye, but her own body was betraying her. She wanted to stiffen against the flood of conflicting emotions. Instead, she just discreetly pulled away from him.

She headed back to the centre of the living room. Mark caught her hand and followed. They walked with their hands linked between them.

They gathered up all the food from the blanket and carried the containers into the kitchen to put them in the fridge. Kerry could feel the impatience in Mark’s gaze as she rearranged his fridge to find room for all the leftovers.

Is there anything else you want to do before we head upstairs? Mark teased, wrapping Kerry in his arms once she closed the fridge.

Bake a cake, Kerry replied and pulled out of his arms. She went to the cupboards and started opening them, as if she were looking for something.

A cake? Mark asked, confused.

I didn’t get dessert, Kerry replied, glancing at him and seeing the look of frustration cross his handsome features.

You want to wait for a cake to bake? Mark asked in exasperation, his impatience evident in his voice.

Kerry stared into the cupboards for a few seconds longer and then closed them. She leaned against the counter and gazed out the window.

Do you really want dessert? Mark murmured in her ear as he embraced her and pulled her back against his firm, ready body.

No, Kerry mumbled in reply, turning toward him and giving him a kiss on the lips. But I couldn’t resist seeing that look of frustration on your face, Kerry whispered in his ear. It was priceless. She leaned back and smiled at her boyfriend playfully.

This time, it was Mark’s turn to blush in embarrassment. Kerry ran her finger down his warmed cheek in a gentle caress.

I love you, hon, Mark whispered, looking deep into Kerry’s eyes.

What’s not to love? Kerry joked with another teasing smile, drawing back slightly from Mark.

She saw a look of shock and hurt cross Mark’s features.

Her smile fell from her face, and she took Mark’s hands in hers.

I love you too. And I have missed you, she said as she stepped into his embrace.

I’ve missed you too, hon, Mark whispered in her hair, a touch of sadness in his voice.

Kerry buried her head in his shoulder and fought to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall ever since Mark opened the door and she first found herself looking into the eyes of the man she loved and was about to lose. They had not been able to talk much while he was overseas, because international calls were expensive and he was there as emotional support for his mother. The time difference and the long hours that Kerry worked didn’t help either.

The silence stretched between them. Kerry realized that she didn’t want to move out of his arms because she was going to miss his embrace the most. She tried to make it last. It always had a way of calming her down and relaxing her when it was gentle like this. When Mark finally released her, he tipped her chin and gently kissed her lips. Then he took her hand and led her upstairs, which, unbeknownst to Mark, was what she was trying to avoid. She wanted so much to give in to what he wanted but knew she couldn’t.

Mark led her into the bedroom and shut the door. The room smelled as sweet as the living room, because he had also scattered rose petals on the bed and floor. A lava lamp shone dimly in a corner, playing patterns across the wall. Mark turned to her after shutting the door and led her to the bed, easing her onto it. Kerry couldn’t make herself relax. Mark must have noticed her tension, because he sat up and turned the nightstand lamp on.

Mark, I— Kerry started to say, seeing the look in his eyes.

Hon, it’s okay, Mark said, cutting her off and lying down beside her. We can just lie here and talk. It’s just good to hold you again.

Kerry was glad that Mark had let it go so easily, believing that she was just not ready for it tonight. She was tired; however, that was only part of the reason why she was not in the mood for sex.

Tell me about your trip, Kerry whispered, snuggling up to him and giving him a smile that did not quite reach her eyes. If it doesn’t hurt to talk about.

Mark nodded. It’ll help to talk about it. His finger made slow circles on her skin as he launched into the tale of his trip.

Kerry listened the whole time, asking questions here and there, brushing tears from his cheeks occasionally, or giving him a kiss. When Mark finished, Kerry gave him another small smile, kissed his lips more deeply, and then let sleep finally pull her under, feeling his arms still around her as she fell into dreams.

Kerry woke up first in the early morning hours and watched Mark sleeping. His body was likely still trying to catch up with the time difference, not to mention the emotional strain recounting all that had happened while he was in Ireland must have had on him. He was as handsome as the first day she had met him, and at times, that broke her heart. Why couldn’t he be gentle and kind all the time? He looked so peaceful sleeping there. A single tear ran down her cheek as she rolled over to lie on her back, a hand resting on her stomach, her gaze still on Mark. When she saw Mark open his eyes, her hand slipped off her stomach and she sat up, quickly brushing away her tear before he saw it.

Sorry I fell asleep on you, Kerry whispered, kissing his lips before his eyes were fully open.

It’s okay, hon, Mark murmured. I know you still work long hours. I am just glad you were willing to listen. Talking really helped.

Kerry nodded and snuggled up to him. It felt good to wrap around someone again. Sleep had been hard to come by lately; most positions she used to sleep in were becoming uncomfortable.

How have you been the last few months? Mark asked.

The things that she wanted to share with him the most she could not tell him. She wanted to share the burden she was carrying, but now was not the time. So, rather than telling him the truth, she caught him up on some trivial things he’d missed while he was away.

Kerry felt herself rambling to fill the silence and fell quiet. The silence didn’t last very long before Mark was suddenly jumping out of the bed.

Hon, I have a present for you.

Kerry watched Mark head to his dresser. He opened the top drawer and pulled something out of it. He returned to sit beside her and opened the small box in his hands.

Kerry, will you marry me? Mark asked softly.

Kerry stared at the ring, which sparkled in the light from the lava lamp; it looked almost familiar in a way. She forced herself to raise her eyes from the ring to Mark’s face. She searched for words but could not find them, as surprise and sorrow choked her. Her eyes returned to the ring. Still, she did not speak.

Hon? Mark urged, gently touching her cheek.

She drew back from his touch; it felt like fire against her cheek, burning her. It did, however, unlock her thoughts and allow her to find the strength to speak.

I love you, Kerry whispered, as despair flashed in her eyes.

But? he asked.

But I can’t marry you, Kerry said firmly as the despair in her eyes deepened.

Mark stared at her, shocked. He slowly got off the bed and stood quietly, staring into space. Suddenly, he snapped the box shut and chucked it across the room.

I know you are hurt, but please don’t be angry, Kerry implored as she stood up.

Shut up! he snapped. He spun around and backhanded her so hard that he knocked her to the ground.

She did not cry when he hit her. There were no tears in her eyes, just despair. She had had a feeling that he would propose, but she just thought that it wouldn’t happen so soon. She’d hoped that she would have time beforehand to try to end it, to save him the humiliation of rejection. While she knew ending the only relationship she had ever known would be difficult, she also knew it was necessary. There had been one time when a marriage to Mark would have been a dream come true, back when their relationship was new, but time had changed her perspective, and she now knew that a marriage to Mark would be a nightmare.

You have every right to be hurt and angry, but please don’t hide your hurt behind anger, Kerry pleaded, wondering why she was always trying to pacify him, always defending him.

Mark stared down at her, and she watched his anger disappear as quickly as it had come, much faster than it normally did. Kerry slowly stood up from where she’d fallen, the quick change of emotion startling her more than the anger had.

Why? Mark demanded, his eyes boring into hers.

I’m sorry, Kerry whispered, kissing his cheek and then heading out of the room.

She couldn’t give him an answer to that question, because there were so many reasons why she could not marry him and so many reasons why she wished she could marry him, some of them overlapping.

Kerry! she heard him cry out and come running out of the house behind her. He caught up with her as she was getting into her car.

She glanced at him and then sank into the driver’s seat and closed the door. She could see the apology on his lips. She started the engine and backed out of the driveway before he could voice it. She didn’t want to hear another one of his tender apologies. She couldn’t handle hearing any more of them. Turning down a marriage proposal from someone you thought you would always love was hard enough without him having the ability to make all your best intentions look like mistakes.

Kerry drove home and curled up with a favourite book of hers. She lost herself in the world of Elizabeth Bennett so she didn’t have to think about her own life. The phone rang, barely penetrating into her fantasy world as she submersed herself in Elizabeth’s life. She became aware of it on its last ring. She didn’t bother to get up to answer it. It was Mark or her best friend, Lisa, and she did not want to talk to either of them. She had been doing a lot of that—avoiding people—these last few months, working long hours not only to make more money, but also to make it hard for friends to try to get a hold of her. Keeping secrets was not easy, but sometimes it was necessary, when everyone in her life felt he or she knew what was best for her.

Her reading was put on hold when her stomach growled. As she made herself something to eat, she caught sight of her reflection in the window. Touching her cheek, she became aware of the swelling and throbbing and knew she should probably ice it to help ease the swelling. With the swelling down, it would be easier to hide.

She iced her cheek while she ate and then cleaned up and headed upstairs for a quick shower. Her cheek still throbbed, but her heart hurt more. Tears rolled down her cheeks, mixing with the warm water from the shower. She was still crying as she pulled on pyjamas and got ready to crawl into bed. She spun around startled when she sensed a presence in the room. The bed took her weight, but she didn’t say a word as she tried to regain the composure she had lost while crying in the shower.

You didn’t answer my call or come to the door, Mark said, stepping into the room.

Kerry looked away from him and shrugged, which gave Mark a full view of her swollen cheek.

Oh, hon, that looks painful, Mark whispered. You should put ice on it.

I already had some ice on it, Kerry finally replied.

I’ll get you some more, he said, and Kerry turned to watch him head back out of her bedroom.

The door was locked, was it not? Kerry asked when he returned. Did you let yourself in?

Of course, Mark replied.

She steeled her body against the cold from the ice as he held it to her swollen cheek. She closed her eyes to avoid looking into his; she did not know how long she could hold back the tears that were still beneath the surface of her guarded eyes. When he pulled the ice off and gently felt the already-bruising cheekbone, Kerry flinched sharply and her eyes flew open. She withdrew from his touch and turned her face away.

I hurt you pretty badly, didn’t I? Mark whispered, turning her face back to his.

Not any more than I’ve been hurt before, Kerry answered as she glanced at his eyes for a second and then pulled away. What are you doing here?

I came to see if you were okay, Mark said indignantly.

She could see that her comment had cut him slightly, which had been her intention. For far too long, she had been letting him get away without consequences for his actions.

I am just wonderful, she retorted. Don’t patronize me, Mark. I just broke your heart, so cut the crap.

But you also broke your own heart when you said no, Mark said, reaching for her hand.

Kerry pulled away and got up, turning her back to him as she stood at the window.

You don’t know anything about me or my heart, Mark, Kerry said softly. Just leave.

Kerry, I don’t want to leave.

Well, you don’t have a choice, Mark, because I am kicking you out, Kerry snapped.

She turned and looked at Mark with that guarded look still in her eyes.

Hon, Mark pleaded.

Mark, leave, Kerry said again as her wary look turned hard.

Hon, I will wait for you until you’re ready, Mark said firmly before turning quietly on his heel and leaving her room.

Kerry turned back to the window and stared across her backyard. She heard his car pull out of the driveway, but she did not move until she was sure he was completely gone. Returning to her bed, she thought of how empty it now felt. She had had a difficult time sleeping alone after Mark left for his trip abroad. While she had grown accustomed to it, she had never come to enjoy it. Now, he was gone for good, and unfortunately, that meant that sleeping alone would be a permanent state. She tried to force the loneliness away as she let sleep drag her under.

The next day, Kerry awoke when her stomach growled with hunger. She padded into the kitchen and was startled to find that it was close to two in the afternoon. She threw together a sandwich and ate quickly before showering and heading to work for her four-o’clock shift. She managed to cover up her swollen cheek, an art she had perfected years ago; however, it had been a while since she had had to cover up bruises.

Kerry worked at a local bar, The Alcohol Arsenal, not an ideal job anymore since the smell of alcohol was starting to become bothersome. Fighting off nausea and working long hours on her feet were making her shifts hard to get through, especially when her energy supply was already emptier than usual.

She felt like she was dead on her feet by the time midnight rolled around, and she still had two hours of her shift left to go. By 1:30, when things started to die down, she felt a tension headache coming on. She fought off the pain until The Alcohol Arsenal closed and helped the other servers clean up.

Carol, can I hitch a ride home with you? Kerry asked another server as they headed out the doors together.

Didn’t you drive here? Carol Rivers-Tarry asked.

Yes, but I’m afraid I’m going to fall asleep at the wheel, Kerry replied.

Sure, dear, I don’t think my husband will mind driving you home.

Kerry thanked her and climbed into the backseat of the car. She rested her eyes after giving Carol’s husband directions to her place. When she felt the car stop, she opened them. She thanked Carol and her husband for the ride and offered them some money, but they would not take it. She bid them good-bye and headed up to her front door.

Her vision was starting to go as she entered the house and locked the door. She made it to her bathroom just in time—she stumbled to the toilet and threw up the meagre dinner she’d eaten. Shaking, she curled up in a ball on the floor and pulled a towel over herself to stay warm. When she felt like she could stand again, she took a long shower and then staggered into her bedroom; however, as soon as she fell into bed, she was wide awake. To push away thoughts of Mark and what seemed like an abyss of trouble in her life, she watched movies until the early morning hours as her tension headache pounded behind her eyes. She finally drifted asleep out of pure exhaustion shortly after dawn.

She woke up to the phone ringing. She sat up with a start and cursed when she saw what time it was.

Hello? Kerry said, trying to shake the sleepiness out of her voice.

Kerry, you did know that you were supposed to work tonight, didn’t you? her manager, Scott Arsenault, asked.

Yes, I know. I’m so sorry. Give me half an hour and I will be there, Kerry said softly.

Kerry, are you okay? You sound tired.

I actually just woke up, but I’m fine, Kerry added in a rush.

Kerry, you sound exhausted and in pain. It’s not that busy right now, and it should be slower tonight. Why don’t you get some more rest. Take a few days off. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask. Scott’s voice was gentle.

I can be ready and there in less than an hour, Kerry objected.

Kerry, you’re going to be no good to me if you’re exhausted. Get some rest. You deserve some time off now and again.

Kerry sighed.

Okay, Scott. I am so sorry.

Don’t sweat it, Scott replied. We may have too many servers as it is. You deserve your rest.

Thank you, Kerry said and then bid her manager good-bye.

Kerry stared at the phone for a moment before hanging it up. She cursed herself for missing her shift but then decided to follow her manager’s advice. She headed up to her bedroom and fell into bed. She curled up into a ball and was asleep in minutes as her exhaustion got the better of her once more.

When the telephone woke up her again a few hours later, she struggled up and out of bed to answer it, figuring it was Scott calling back to say that they needed her at work. She realized as soon as she said hello that it wasn’t Scott—he had told her to take a few days off, she remembered—but it was too late to hang up.

Hey, hon. I went to visit you at work, but your boss said that you called in sick. Are you okay? Mark asked.

Kerry closed her eyes with a sigh.

I’m fine, Mark.

You don’t sound fine, Mark replied, concerned.

I’m just tired, Mark, Kerry retorted. Is that all you called about? She realized that she could hear background noise. Are you on your cell? Kerry asked, just as she heard a car pull into the driveway. Are you in my driveway?

Yes, hon, I am.

The dial tone sounded in her ear at the same time as she heard the door open and close. Kerry hung up the phone and turned around to see Mark walking into her kitchen. She kept forgetting that he still had a key to her house.

What don’t you get about ‘good-bye’? Kerry halfheartedly tried to sound angry, but there was no anger in her voice, just exhaustion.

Mark stepped into the room, and Kerry met him halfway. She melted into his embrace, cursing herself for giving in so easily. She blamed it on the pain radiating through her head.

Mark held her in silence, rubbing her back, and she found that actually relaxed her.

Kerry, what is going on? Mark murmured into her hair.

Kerry pulled away, not wanting to need his comfort. She knew Mark would not leave now that he could see the pain flash in her eyes. She managed to turn away from him and make it back to the counter. She leaned against it with her back to him and her eyes closed. It wouldn’t take Mark long to recognize the signs.

Let’s get you to bed, Mark declared, lifting her gently into his arms.

Mark, just leave, Kerry murmured as her head fell against his chest.

Mark did not even acknowledge that comment as he carried her up the stairs and eased her gently onto the bed. She instantly curled into a ball and buried her face in the pillow as hot tears of pain rolled down her cheeks. Of all the times to get a tension headache! Mark was breaking through her defences once again because pain was preventing her logic from working correctly.

After darkening the room, Mark climbed onto the bed beside her and started to gently massage her tense shoulders. Kerry flinched and tried to pull away. Mark wouldn’t let her, though. Treating her like a doll, he sat her up cross-legged and tipped her head down. Then he set to work on relieving the tension in her neck and shoulders. Kerry gasped with pain but did not pull away this time. She knew that he could help her with the pain, and she didn’t have the energy to fight him at the moment. She wished she did, however. Would she ever have the strength to completely pull away from him when he kept showing her such tenderness—tenderness that always seemed to make her forget his temper until it unleashed itself once again.

Thank you, Kerry muttered when he was done.

Mark curled up against her back and whispered in her ear, Hon, I love you. Please don’t shut me out.

Kerry closed her eyes, and her tears returned, despite her best efforts. Mark rolled her gently over onto her back and propped himself up so that he could look at her. She allowed her eyes to flutter open and meet his gaze. His look was so tender, so caring, so different from the angry one from last night. She needed a distraction from the pain, and he could be so tender. She gave into her weakness one last time. This would be the last time his act would work on her, she swore to herself. The desire in his eyes was heating up her core, and she was soon as ready as he was, though she wished her body didn’t betray her so easily around him. How was it that her body and heart always fought a losing battle when it came to Mark?

He slowly sat them both up and pulled her shirt off as she hooked her legs around his stomach. He started to undo her bra, but she shook her head slightly. He nodded and kissed down her smooth neck to her cleavage. A deep moan escaped as she brought his face back up to her hers so that they could kiss again. Then she eased him onto his back and knelt beside him. She first undressed him and then herself. Soon, she was on top of him, bare skin against bare skin. He held her to him, her chest resting gently against his. His fingers ran down her spine in a caress that made her tremble. She rolled onto her back and pulled him onto her. He collapsed against her with a passionate kiss. She moaned as she hooked her legs around him once more. Kerry met his eyes and held them in her gaze as she allowed him to slowly set the rhythm. She gave herself over to the desire that he had wanted from her on the night of their reunion. Somewhere in the back of her mind, her logic tried to tell her this was wrong, this was not saying good-bye, but her pain made her reason hazy. Mark’s desire fuelled hers like it always did. However, the logic came more to the surface when they finished. Kerry found herself feeling more torn than ever as she lay in his arms, the desire fading away and her mind taking over.

When he whispered, I love you, she wished that his love could have been enough.

I love you too, she found herself whispering back, almost by reflex, but the words felt empty now as she wondered what they really meant. How could she love him when she wanted to say good-bye? How