God's Not Confused: Following the Voice of the Master Shepherd Through the Valleys of Life

By Douglass D. Phillips

Have you ever fallen head over heals for someone, loving everything about them - looks, personality, ambition, etc., only to find out that God was nowhere in the picture? You try to ignore it, but what at first is a quiet, "This is not the one for you," soon becomes are resounding, "No!" Then the internal battle ensuses. Who will win out, God or you? You could try to reason with God, but how do you sway a Being who's omniscient? How do you wait out Someone who's eternal? How do you fight the all powerful Creator and win? Sandra Wallace goes head to head with God in this knock- down, drag- out spiritual thriller, fighting for a love that was never hers to begin with.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 1, 2011
• ISBN: 9781463409289

Douglass D. Phillips

Careening down the road of zeal without knowledge, passion without patience, relationships without God, I've crashed and burned through my fair share of relationships, often times leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me. I've failed in romantic relationships in the past, which qualifies me to write this book, as all success is birthed out of failure. Through heartbreak and heartache, I finally came to a place in my life where I stopped looking for another two-legged individual to complete me; I came to the understanding that I have to find wholeness in God before I could hope to be a blessing to someone else. This provocative story reflects that lesson learned. I currently live in Tucker, GA and work as an educator in the Dekalb County School System. I am an active member of Word of Faith Family Worship Cathedral in Austell, GA and enjoy playing tennis, reading, and spending quality time with my fiancee.

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God’s Not Confused

Following the Voice of the Master Shepherd through the

Valleys of Life

DOUGLASS D. PHILLIPS

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AuthorHouse™

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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© 2011 by Douglass D. Phillips. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 05/14/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4634-0929-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-0928-9 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Chapter 1

Wolves

Chapter 2

Hunger

Chapter 3

Scab

Chapter 4

Nasal Flies

Chapter 5

Head Butting

Chapter 6

Unanswered Prayers

Chapter 7

Oil of the Holy Spirit

Chapter 8

The Days Are Evil

Chapter 9

Prayerlessness

Chapter 10

‘In Heat’ For the World

Chapter 11

Theocracy

Chapter 12

Development

Chapter 13

Fight the Good Fight of Faith

Chapter 14

God Never Ends on a Negative

Chapter 1

Wolves

Wolves don’t attack the flock; they attack the one falling away from the fellowship of others. Born for destruction, they spring forward with all-consuming viciousness and tenacity. They’re most alive when pursing their prey, and threaten until weakness is exposed. Once discovered, they exploit it unmercifully until what was once fleeing is now digesting among several others in the pack. If they haven’t eaten in several days, they’ll eat 20 pounds of flesh in a single meal. Their taste for blood is insatiable and they’ve been known to kill for sport. Be ever watchful. Some of our closest companions, those we are most fond of, those we’d die for without batting an eyelash, are not walking with us, but stalking, waiting for the most opportune time to sink their teeth into our unassuming flesh. Those who don’t know they’re wolves are often the most dangerous.

I can’t believe this is finally happening, he thought, as his mind raced to control both his frazzled emotions and his BMW X5, which was in serious need of an alignment. He weaved in and out of traffic with the precision of a race car veteran, the inches between his truck and the other cars seeming like yards, sudden flashes of brakes lights giving him ample time to adjust his position or stop safely. Adrenaline made those things that were fast move at turtle-like speeds and those things that were slow speed dangerously out of control. He felt high. He whipped out his cell phone and hit the icon for Sandra’s pre-programmed number. It started to ring. C’mon, c’mon!!, He yelled. Pick up the phone Sandra!!

Are you almost here? She said with nervous anticipation.

What took you so long to answer the phone? I’m on 20 driving like a bat out of hell not knowing whether you collapsed or are somewhere laying unconscious. You gotta to pick up your phone!

I’m okay. I’m okay. When I called you 20 minutes ago, my water just broke. I had to clean up and pack my traveling bag. Hurry, Tony, these contractions are killing me and I’m not trying to have the baby on the living room floor looking crazy.

Give me like five minutes. I’m getting off on La Vista Road right now.

Okay. I’ll walk out front, so I can get right in the truck.

No, stay inside. It’s a little cold out. I’ll run up to the front door and help you get in the car.

Okay.

Anthony did the remaining 5 minutes of the trip in 3, and quickly pulled up into her driveway. He could see her turn off the lights in the hallway and he hopped out of the car. The panic that he felt minutes earlier was replaced by a serene calmness that descended upon him so suddenly he thought he might trip over it as he ran to meet her at the front of the house. She locked the door.

All right track star help me with this bag.

He took the oversized, knock-off Louie Vuitton travel bag with his left hand, her hand in his right, and briskly, but carefully assisted her to the passenger’s side. It was the first time he’d touched her since they broke up. He felt the shock of love race throughout his body, making him more determined than ever to be a great father, and possibly her husband. She felt it too and fought off the old feelings.

All right San, he said as he whipped out her driveway putting the car in gear, how far apart are the contractions? And did you call the hospital and let them know that we’re on our way?

Around 3:30 this afternoon I started having contractions. At first I thought they were the Braxton Hicks contractions that I had in my second trimester, you know the ones Dr. Aniston explained to you.

He nodded. He didn’t ask her about the history of the contractions she had throughout the day, just the ones happening at the present moment. He quickly remembered how to ask her one question is to open Pandora’s Box into a sea of information that he didn’t ask for. He sighed within himself and endured.

But I felt like something was different about these. I felt as if the Lord was telling me to prepare myself. I knew that today would be the day. At first they came every now and then. I didn’t feel any more until around 7:30. That’s when my mom told me that I should call you.

Oh your mom’s here?

Yeah. She flew in 3 weeks ago to help me with the errands and to make sure the girls were doing their homework and catching the bus on time.

I could’ve helped you more.

I know, Tony, but I was super emotional and uh, horny, and I didn’t want to go there with you.

He sighed. Okay, so back to the contractions.

Yeah, so, my mom and the girls started timing the length of the contractions and how far apart they were. Around 8 or so, they lasted a few seconds and were 10 minutes apart. So I told mommy that it wasn’t quite time yet. The girls worried themselves to bed around 9 and I started drinking a lot of water to help with the tightness in my stomach. Around 9:30 I noticed they were getting closer and closer and lasting longer. Between 10 and 11 I had 4 strong contractions and they lasted 25 seconds each. Then mommy was like, ‘You know I can’t stand him, but if you don’t call him I will; I’m no midwife!!’ So, that’s when I called you.

Your mom is such a lovely woman, he said, making an ugly face and sticking his tongue out.

Oh shut up. She smiled. And yes, I spoke with Doctor Jefferies. He said that after we check in, we go up to the third floor where a room will be assigned to me.

Okay.

They rode silently for 3 minutes, the weight and expectation of childbirth momentarily cementing their mouths shut.

We’re here, Anthony said with a start.

He made a sharp right turn into the Dekalb Medical Center and slowed down to make it smoothly over the speed bumps without disturbing the undercarriage of his vehicle. At the stop sign, he made a left and parked along the front entrance of the Maternity Center. He quickly cut the ignition, unbuckled his safety belt and hopped out of the truck with pep in his step and a song in his heart. He opened her door with urgency and gently helped her out, grabbing her bag before closing the door behind her. She resisted holding his hand and waddled slightly ahead of him, her body anticipating the next big cramp.

Can I help you? A stern looking, elderly lady snapped.

Yes ma’am, we’re expecting, and I’m going into labor right now!

The aged security officer’s eyes quickly darted to their ring fingers and after passing sufficient judgment, she croaked in a voice as old as the Negro Spiritual itself, "I guess ya’ll can go on up then, elevator’s on the right. Good luck."

Good luck. Sandra and Anthony could hear the disdain in her voice as well as her condemnation of the entire black community—My people won’t never learn! They ain’t happy unless they having 4 or 5 kids out of wedlock, which they can’t afford ’cause they don’t wanna work, so they sit on they behinds and collect welfare, half-raising they kids that’ll be dead or in jail in 20 years, making my taxes go up, so I gotta work this job until I’m in the grave!

Anthony turned around briefly to see if their assumption was right. And sure enough she was mumbling hellfire and condemnation. He looked at Sandra.

I know, she said rolling her eyes. God is MY judge, not some ole, crusty Rent-a-cop, whose just mad ’cause she’s missing her ‘Good Times’ re-runs, the one she’s seen 7 times already. So, whatever. She hit the up arrow on the elevator.

That wasn’t very Christian-like, Anthony chided, as they stepped into the elevator.

Don’t start with me. All the devilment you like to do. That’s why we’re not together now.

All I’m saying is…

All I’m saying is that you gonna burst hell wide open, talking about my Christianity while I’m in labor. What’s wrong with you?

Anthony could tell that she wasn’t mad at first but that she was trying to work herself up. He figured that it was best to leave it alone and be quiet. I guess I’ll just shut-up then.

That’s probably your best bet.

He smiled as they got out of the elevator. He missed arguing with her. They walked directly to the nursing station, and a Nurse Rhonda, a short robust woman with small feet and a crooked smile, admitted Sandra into room 320.

Anthony set Sandra’s bag down on a folding chair to the right of the large hospital bed. He studied the room carefully taking everything in. Things were beginning to feel surreal. He offered a comment to the nurse to prick himself awake from his nearly dream-like state. So this is where it’s all going down, huh, Nurse Rhonda?

Yes, Sir. She will more than likely have the baby here unless we have to perform a cesarean, in which case, she will be taken to the operating room. But hopefully everything will be, ‘going down here,’ as you say.

Anthony smiled. You made a funny, Nurse Rhonda. And do I detect a hint of the Islands, mon?

The nursed smiled. Yes, I am from Jamaica. I’ve been living here off and on for over 20 years now.

Do you like it, Sandra asked, as the nurse pointed her to the bathroom to change into a white gown.

All I can say is that I’ve been here for 20 years. And like any place it has its plusses and minuses. It definitely took some getting used to… . Okay, I’ll be back in about 10 minutes to check her vitals and start her on some IVs. Do your best to keep her calm, she looks pretty nervous.

Okay, Anthony said.

When Sandra emerged from the bathroom, changed in her white gown, her stomach protruding like Santa Clause after a large Thanksgiving Day meal, Anthony sprung from the chair to assist her to the bed.

The nurse said that she’ll be back in about 10 minutes to check your vitals and start the IVs.

Okay. Help into bed… I bet you never thought you’d hear me say that again, huh?

Yeah, yeah, he said with a wide grin on his face. Listen, San, I know things aren’t the best between us right now, but I’m ready to make a change for the better. I want us to be a family. All seven of us. We’d be one shy of having our own Brady Bunch.

She listened as he fluffed her pillow and pulled a thin sheet over her hot, cramp-ridden body. The cramps had subsided for the moment, so he had her full attention.

I know that I’ve cheated many times and that I’ve broken your trust, but I’ll change my ways. I not only want to be his father, but your husband… And just think, we could come back up here and roll our eyes at that ole security guard, waving our rings in her face.

Now you just leave her out of it, she said with a smile. She knew that what he said was heartfelt, and that he meant it for the moment, but time had proven that his lust for women greatly outweighed his self-control and his will to be the man he always wanted to be. And she was tired of trying to survive in the relationship off his good intentions. But being that she didn’t have the strength to weigh the amount of love she had left for him against her desire to protect her heart from his foolishness and move on for good, she just watched him talk and nodded her head when she felt it was appropriate.

And baby, I’ll even go to church. He watched her. He knew that would strike a chord. He really had no intentions of going, but desperate times call for desperate actions. To his surprise she just laid in the bed nodding her head like she was some bobble head toy. He knew that this was her polite way of tuning him out, so he decided to be quiet. She continued to nod her head long after he stopped talking. He felt a dull anger rise inside.

All right Miss Wallace, the nurse said as she burst through the doors pushing a vitals monitor with her right hand, carrying packages of needles and small clear bottles of medicine in her left.

Sandra perked up and prepared to begin the painful journey of bringing life into the world.

In a matter of moments, doctor upon doctor and as well as a steady stream of nurse uniforms poured into the little room asking random questions about her pregnancy, looking at monitors, adjusting Sandra’s bed, pressing her stomach, sticking a long needle into her back, then finally calling him toward the now sweaty and tear-soaked bed.

From his chair to the bed where his ex-girlfriend was moments away from giving birth, were the longest couple steps that Anthony had ever taken. He’d heard that the journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first steps, but what if the first steps were like the thousand miles, how long would the journey actually be? His brain rehearsed all the moments leading up to the present: meeting her at Kensington Marta station in the summer—the cute Halle Berry cut she wore, her broad smile, and manicured feet; the first date that culminated with a blissful stroll through Centennial Park, holding hands; the first kiss in a checking cashing place of all places, she turned around asking for a pen to use, and he gave her a little more to work with; the awkward time they first made love—the time the fondly refer to as ‘the night that never happened’, he climaxed so fast it made the whole evening a blur to the memory; the endless giggles, belly laughs, movies, restaurants, day trips, weekend trips, angry and happy moments, meeting the family… and now the slow walk to meet who was soon be his third son.

After what seemed like several lifetimes, he finally made the short walk where Sandra lay in the now raised hospital bed, her back and legs held in the birthing position by two nurses, one of which moved so the he could take her place.

Okay on three, an unfamiliar nurse called out, we will encourage Sandra to push. Anthony, you will have to keep her leg in that position. Okay, one, two three… . PUSH!!!

Anthony watched partly scared, partly disgusted, and partly in awe. He had hadn’t witnessed the birth of his other sons. As he looked on, his brain began to create a new file entitled: Oh, My Gosh!!

There’s the crown of the head, the same nurse called out, very pleased, as if she and not God was responsible for this entire blessed event. The other nurses in the room rolled their eyes imperceptibly sensing the nurse’s tone of deity.

The same electric current that inspired the momentarily shunned nurse jolted Anthony and out of his astonishment he yelled, C’mon baby, pushhhh! Push!!! He’s coming, he’s really coming!!

Everyone looked at Anthony. This reaction pleased the small room. It suggested that he was a caring, loving man who would be invested in the life of his soon-to-be-born son. The lead nurse responding to his new found enthusiasm, instantaneously took a back seat and allowed Anthony to lead the charge toward the birth. And perceiving that he was at the helm, he manned up, and bellowed, C’mon baby! You’re doing so good! We’re almost there! I love you sooo much!!

Sandra, sweaty, and surrounded by bodily fluids and other discharges, found new courage in Anthony’s strong words of encouragement. She began to push without concern for her own well being; she pushed with purpose; she pushed for something that would hopefully outlive her, her legacy, her son.

THAT’S IT!!! The room thundered in unison.

Then quiet. Anthony slowly placed Sandra’s leg down gently on the bed, following the leading of the nurse who held Sandra’s other leg. He stared in wonder as the lead nurse once again took over and pulled the remaining part of his son’s slick, blood-drenched form from Sandra’s twitching, pretzel-shaped body. He was quickly handed a pair of long, sterile scissors and he instinctively cut the umbilical cord. The baby was slapped to encourage crying, which he did immediately. He was then wiped, cleaned, wrapped and given to his mother.

Sandra sensed an unusual peace descend in the room. She had experienced this kind of peace before at church. She knew that the Ultimate Doctor had stepped into the room to oversee the delivery. She released herself completely into God’s care and imagined herself being held in His arms, even as she held her newborn baby. Slowly, as her eyes closed, her grip on the baby loosened, and her body slackened.

The nurse quickly reached for the baby and gently placed him in Anthony’s emotionally charged arms. Go to daddy little one. She looked at Anthony inquisitively and said, All children are a gift from God, whether planned or unplanned, whether from a married or unmarried relationship, whether conceived in love or in dire situations. No matter the circumstance, children are here because God preordained them to be here and specifically chose them to have the parents they have. Now it’s the parent’s responsibility to raise their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Do you go to church, Anthony?

Anthony recoiled, not expecting a ‘Sermon on the Mount’ speech from a random delivery nurse who knew nothing about him and therefore had no right suggest how he should live his life. Frowning slightly he responded, No Nurse… Smith, I don’t believe in God and I haven’t been to church since I was a kid. But I’ll tell you what, I’ll raise my child the best way I know how and that’ll be good enough for him.

Nurse Smith hearing the antagonism in his voice, eased up slightly and explained, Anthony, I know you’ll be a great father to your new little boy, but we all need some help. And sometimes life happens and we find ourselves in the most precarious of situations or we feel at times like we don’t have the strength to make it. Whether you believe it or not, God, the God of the church you went to when you were a little kid, is real. He is so real. And we are His children. You wouldn’t expect your newborn son to make in the world today or tomorrow or anytime soon, how much more can we not make it in this world without out Heavenly Father.

Anthony heard the sincerity in her voice and felt her concern and let a few of his guards down. I really do appreciate your concern. Look, I’m not a Christian, and I won’t be turned by you or anyone else, but Sandra is. She and her daughters go to church most Sundays. Now I won’t stand in the way of her taking my son to church, but I’ll continue to take my Sundays off.

Nurse Smith relented, Good enough. You’re a good man. She was the last nurse to leave the room and she closed the door behind her to give the new family a few minutes of privacy before taking the child to be weighed and pricked and mom to the recovery room. She made a mental note to mention to Sandra how she felt the power of God in the delivery room and how she knew that God had a special purpose for her son. Two days later, before Sandra was discharged from the hospital, Nurse Smith told Sandra about what she experienced while delivering her son. Sandra smiled. She already knew.

The weeks that followed, Sandra nursed Julian, ate sparingly, and slept. It was all she could do to breast feed and dribble some scattered motherly advice to her daughters, Bianca and Alana, before drifting off into a lengthy cycle of sleep. During this time Anthony made his presence known coming around every day to hold Julian, bring diapers, and watch Sandra sleep peacefully. It was a beautiful time while it lasted, the new addition to the family covering old sins and hurts like a fresh blanket of snow covering a dirty, crime-infested city. However, as in both cases, when the temperature rises again, everything hidden becomes re-exposed and naked before the unrelenting sunlight.

Sandra considered getting back with Anthony. And despite her mother saying things like, San, a leopard never changes his spots, and Once a cheat always a cheat, she was so impressed with his consistency over the past couple of weeks and the bond that was obviously forming between he and Julius, that she went against her better judgment and let all of her guards down, all but the sex. She wanted him, and would have had sex with him despite her Christianity, but was told to wait six weeks before resuming sexual intercourse. And her concern for her physical well-being was the real key to her success in this area for the present moment. In this sex-free climate, she fancied herself staying celibate until marriage, even if it meant searching on Ebay for a metal chastity belt. During this time she would say things to herself like, Tony or no one else will get the milk for free anymore without buying the cow. And if they didn’t like it they can simply moooove on!

Ma-ma, why Mr. Jackson always coming around here now sniffing like some dog looking for crumbs, Alana bellowed from the living room, talking over her favorite cartoon blaring from the flat screen.

Obviously, she had been spending too much time with her grandmother. Sandra moved from the bedroom to the living room to deal with this question head on. Uh, Miss Thang, who do you think you talking about? Who I have in my house is my own business.

Ramona shrunk on the couch next to her granddaughter. She didn’t realize Alana picked up on so much of her negative comments.

Then Sandra decided to go to the source, And Ma, you’ve been complaining about Tony ever since you got here almost two months ago. And I endured it until now because you’re my mother and I know that anytime he hurt me, he hurt you, and you just don’t want me to get hurt again. But I draw the line at you talking to my daughters about my son’s father. That’s not right! And if you don’t like him coming around here, . . . (pause) . . . I’m just saying, no one’s keeping you here!

Ramona received her rough words like a back hand across the face. She was raised in rural Georgia and grew up in a household where everyone said, Yes, ma’am, and no ma’am and the last thing you did regardless of what age you were was raise your voice at your parents and think you were going to get them told, right or wrong. She erected herself from her shrunken, crumpled position and stood her full 5 foot 4 inches to make her response.

"Sandra, I know I raised you better than to talk to your mother like that, especially in front of your daughter. And let’s be clear, I’m here because you called me. I didn’t call you and beg to help you with my grandbabies and see about you until the new baby arrived. If what’s his face loves you so much, why wasn’t he here then taking care of the situation? He wasn’t here because he was never here. He was always running the streets, leaving his sons at the babysitter’s, leaving you half out of your mind. And who did you always call crying and complaining? You called me. So forgive me for voicing my opinion loudly. And I would never talk to my grandbabies about your relationships. She must have overheard me when I was in one of my tirades. And you’re right, it’s time for me to go. Do me a favor though, don’t call me when