Silent Resolve and the God Who Let Me Down: (A 9/11 Story)

By Susan Van Volkenburgh

Life for Susan Van Volkenburgh was good. She was often told that God had placed a golden star upon her life. Then tragedy struck. On September 11, 2001 at 9:37 a.m., American Airlines Flight 77 plummeted into the Pentagon, taking the lives of 184 innocent people. One of them was Susans father, Stanley R. Hall. At that moment, everything changed for Susan. Everything she knew, everything she ever believed in, came crashing down. Her life began to unravel.

How could she face God in light of all that had happened? How could she ever trust Him again? Wasnt God supposed to protect His own? Nothing made sense anymore.

This ten-year journey through the desert, through a land where God was silent, was a time of trial and of spiritual awakening. Could faith endure in the face of so great a loss, so large a betrayal?

Transcending the events of September 11, this spiritual odyssey moves through the mire of grief and loss, to question the very motives and promises of God. As Susan asks the tough questions, can the silent resolve of her own father speak to her from beyond the veil? Is there a place for faith when God has let you down?

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 22, 2012
• ISBN: 9781449743369

Susan Van Volkenburgh

Susan Van Volkenburgh is the coordinator for a homeschool group in Keller, Texas. Prior to 1995, Susan was a registered nurse in oncology. As a member the Van Martins, Susan can be found traveling to area churches using her musical talents for the purpose of dispensing the Gospel.

Book preview

SILENT RESOLVE

and the

GOD WHO LET ME DOWN

(a 9/11 story)

SUSAN VAN VOLKENBURGH

logoBlackwTN.ai

Copyright © 2012 by Susan Van Volkenburgh.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Edited by Shelly Hulme and Karen Summerville

Unless otherwise stated, all scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Where indicated, scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Cover image by Ashley Van Volkenburgh

Pentagon Memorial—September 11, 2008

WestBow Press books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1-[phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4497-4338-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-4337-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-4336-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012904664

WestBow Press rev. date: 05/17/2012

To my father and all those affected by the tragic

events of September 11

Songs like trees bear fruit only in their own time

and in their own way: and sometimes they are

withered untimely.

~ J. R. R. Tolkien¹

CONTENTS

Preface

Episode 1  Forever Changed

Episode 2  Awakened

Episode 3  Tears

Episode 4  Silence

Episode 5  Seeking After His Sheep

Episode 6  Through The Veil

Episode 7  Silent Resolve

Episode 8  The Face Of Evil

Episode 9  Not Alone

Episode 10  God’s Sovereignty

Episode 11  All In His Hands

Episode 12  For Such A Time

Episode 13  Resolution

Episode 14  Even So

Episode 15  Epilogue

Notes

A special thank you to those who stood by me

during the years following September 11, 2001.

Thank you for the support and encouragement

as I stepped out into the unknown.

To my husband and children

for tolerating the years of emotional upheaval.

To Karen and Valerie for your staunch belief in my writing and the time spent reviewing my manuscript helping me become a better writer.

Thank you WestBow Press for providing a medium

in which to deliver my story. Kathy Lester who

guided and encouraged me through the

publishing process.

PREFACE

So long I have been in writing this book that I hope my words will still hold some resonance upon the reader. I have tried many times to begin, but each time I drew up short. I was not ready. Each time I began, a wave of grief overwhelmed me so that I had to put my story away in order to continue to fulfill the responsibilities my life required of me, for I had not yet felt the full measure of my grief. I feel deep within myself that now is the time. It may not be for the benefit of others, though I hope there are those who will be comforted by my words, but it is for my own healing that this story must be told. I cannot promise answers to the questions such a tragedy awakens. Yet, I feel strongly that I need to produce something in regard to my father’s death. In some small way, it is as though the writing of this book will ensure that his death was not in vain. He would have gladly laid down his life for another. If through the words held within this book I can help one person, then I will feel that his loss has not been without a purpose. My hope is that in sharing my journey, some comfort, remedy, or resolution may come to the reader.

I do not claim to have all the answers or that I have grown so wise as to instruct others. In no way am I implying this is the way everyone should feel; that this is what everyone should believe. I only know what I have experienced and the conclusions, if any, I have reached. Read on and know only that this is what has come to me.

SONNET XXX

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought

I summon up remembrance of things past,

I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,

And with old woes new wail my dear time’s waste;

Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,

For precious friends hid in death’s dateless night,

And weep afresh love’s long-since-cancelled woe,

And moan th’ expense of many a vanished sight;

Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,

And heavily from woe to woe tell o’er

The sad account of fore-bemoanèd moan,

Which I new pay as if not paid before.

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored and sorrows end.

~William Shakespeare¹

Episode 1

FOREVER CHANGED

It seemed a thousand years ago

and on the other side of the world.

~ J. R. R. Tolkien¹

How do I begin? How do I tell the tale of all that has happened? Ten years it has been, as I sit here trying to put down the thoughts and feelings that have occurred since that day. It seems insurmountable to place into words all that has transpired, yet I feel a need to try. So how do I begin?

It is a tale wrought with anguish and woe, and yet, as I look back, as I walked in the dark path of suffering, I see more clearly that it is also a tale that has always been a Pharos that shone upon the way, though I could not see it at the beginning. But it was there, always there summoning me, as a beacon of light piercing the darkness, calling out to me from around the bend. All I needed to do was take a few more steps, and then I would have seen it. That is how it often is when trials come. We are blinded by our sorrow and fear to all that is available to help us. And so it happened.

God let me down. It was a beautiful morning. The sun shone brightly. A faint breeze brushed through leaves painted with gold and red, whispering of autumn. The blush of day was still and silent, as though inhaling a breath and holding onto it, waiting to exhale. Suddenly, the sound of engines roaring broke through the air, growing ever louder. In an instant, no life would be the same; my life would never be the same.

The events of September 11, 2001, mark a change in my life. On that day, my precious father, Stanley R. Hall, was ripped from this world as American Airlines Flight 77 plummeted into the Pentagon in Washington, DC. Numb and dazed, we walked those first months. FBI agents, memorial services, honors given, all a haze of lost senses.

How did we become entangled in this? How did my family get caught up in this conflict? I cannot answer these questions. All I know is that I am forever changed, marked by the wound of that day. I look back at pictures taken before September 11 and think, that was before, when we were innocent, before everything changed. I see myself as a different person than the woman in those photographs. Life is much more serious now. A shadow of mourning hovers over me each day. Living with grief is hard. The moment I realized my father was aboard the plane was like being slapped in the face for no reason. My breath escaped me. My chest constricted, crushing me with the weight of loss. For days, I was unable to swallow, except to swallow the grief.

That morning, I was ignorant of what was happening outside the walls of my bustling household. I was busy preparing for the day. Besides homeschooling my three children, I had just taken on the responsibility of running the children’s program at our church. I had planned to spend that beautiful September morning working at church, preparing the children’s church room. I was in the process of packing the car to make ready for the week’s activities, taking schoolwork for the kids, when the phone rang.

The phone rang. If only I had not picked it up, I could have stayed the sorrow that was to follow. But I did pick it up; ignorant of what lay before me with the words that would soon follow my cheerful hello.

Where’s Daddy? my brother asked, urgency in his voice.

Confusion swept over me. My brother was in Rochester, New York. Why was he calling me? My father lived in Virginia. I was in Texas. How should I know where he was at that moment?

Turn on the TV. Don’t you know the world’s coming to an end? he cried.

He told me he had tried to call our mother, but all the lines were down in Virginia. He couldn’t get through to her.

I reached for the remote and turned on the TV. Horror filled my eyes as the news broadcast the planes flying into the World Trade Center. Then, as the nation let out a collective gasp, the towers collapsed. A cloud of dust and debris filled the city. All those people. Tears streamed from my eyes, yet I had no idea that our family would be pulled so personally into this tragedy. Then word came that the Pentagon had been struck. My father often worked in the Pentagon. My heart paused.

Through his company’s headquarters in Virginia, my husband was able to get through to my mother. She told us that my father was safe, for his plane to California had left earlier that morning. That was when fear began to take me. While I calculated events as the newscast pronounced them, I began to realize that the timing of the plane’s takeoff might mean that he was not safe. I held my breath.

Just as my mother was looking up my father’s flight itinerary, the newscast stated that Flight 77 had been the plane that crashed into the Pentagon. My husband repeated my mother’s words as I entered his office to tell him which flight it had been. I heard him say those words, words etched in my memory. Flight 77. I took in a breath. I wanted to scream. No. It couldn’t be. God would not let this happen to my father, he was always okay. He was the one who always took care of us. Nothing could happen to him. He would surely call and say, Guess what happened to me on the way to the airport?

My husband looked sorrowfully into my eyes and with a broken voice said, I’m so sorry. Horror struck, I returned his gaze. My mother hung on the phone. He must have told her that it was my father’s flight that crashed into the Pentagon, but I do not recall what followed. I stood aghast, unbelieving. Then I thought of my mother listening on the other end of the phone. What do I do?

I ran from the room. I did not want my mother to hear me sobbing. My first thought was that life was over. In an instant, the culmination of all my hopes and dreams came crashing down. There was no need to go on. Nothing would be the same. I did not care what happened to me. Death could take me. That would be all right. My heart was hollow, echoing of loss, each breath a struggle, each moment something to endure. What was the point of going on? All was lost. It was over.

Overcome, I collapsed on the floor. My two oldest children, then ten and six, ran over and wrapped their precious little arms around me, the remnant of him. Confused, they held their sobbing mother as I cried, No, no, no over and over again.

As I knelt there on the floor, cradling my