Cinderella Has Cellulite: And Other Musings from A Last Wife

By Donna Arp Weitzman

Okay, lover girl. Your new man has you startled, staggered, and swept off your feet. Now what?

You know who you are. The store clerk caught you scooping up beauty tips and slipping Cosmo magazines under the milk and potatoes in your grocery cart. And you are busy checking in at yoga studios to tighten your arm muscles and buttocks, announcing, “He may be the one” to anyone who will listen.

Where is this going? Down the aisle or down in flames?

Cinderella Has Cellulite offers a welcome and realistic look at relationships when Prince Charming suddenly walks into your life. Wild satire abounds in this hilarious, off-the-wall take on his friends, your friends, his ex, the in-laws, and everything in between.

A must read for last wives and women everywhere!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greenleaf Book Group
• Release date: Jul 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9781626342101

Book preview

PREFACE

I have always thought that books should be about big things, larger than life people, bold actions and ideas. Maybe that is why I have felt a lifelong inadequacy when writing about anything. Who am I to write a book? Nobody would want to read it, and if they did, they’d laugh at me and think, What a waste of time!

While writing this book, I realized that I have been consistent throughout my entire life: that is, consistently, desperately lurching for approval. I have never been able to get enough approval, to the point of being angry when I did not get it. Words are inadequate for me to explain what I suffered when easily attained approval turned out to be beyond my grasp during my Cinderella journey. My Prince is good-looking. He is smart and successful. I really want his approval and that of everybody around him. (Oops, there I go again!) The more desperately I lurched, the less I got. Doesn’t seem fair, but who said life is fair?

Nevertheless, I hope you’ll be in the moment with me. Read my musings through the clenched jaw and throbbing headaches I suffered, and you will see a woman of 60 who was furious because she was no one’s Princess.

Above all, have hope and humor as you imagine yourself in these circumstances. Take heart, we’ve all been there at least once. Go back in your mind and revisit your thoughts and actions. Hopefully, you were and are wiser than I am, and handled yourself with much more skill. The good news for me is that I survived, and now I can thrive. But, yikes, I stepped in it often . . . hopefully you can be a better ballerina!

INTRODUCTION

Ah, love. A second chance. Oops, I mean third chance. Fourth? Well, who’s counting anyway?

Ah, love. How perfect! All you can think about is having someone to come home to at night. Someone who will wrap his arms around you and protect you from the outside world, singles bars, the boogey-man and crazy people. That special man who will hear your thoughts (after all, you do have wonderful thoughts!) and make all your dreams come true.

You can’t wait to tell your friends that you have found the One, can you? The world sees you in a different light now. You are headed down the aisle . . .

. . . Or is it a gauntlet?

It is likely that ever since the fateful night your eyes fixated on your Hunk of Burning Love, there have been numerous outbreaks of questions and concerns. Being a Last Wife, you know this is not His first rodeo. As you prepare to saddle up in your vintage Dale Evans fringe and ride off into the sunset with your cowboy, it is wise to know just how close the arrows are that are whizzing next to your scalp. Pull your sombrero closer to your ears, Amiga, this could be a wild ride!

To assume the coveted position of Last Wife, you will experience, at best, a mixed bag of comments with scattered compliments delivered by His menagerie of acquaintances and your well-meaning support groups. But beware, Besotted Beauty, of nefarious jabs piercing your newly formed love handles (acquired during your numerous love trysts). These pricks are likely the diabolical attempts of Camilla-like warfare on unwary Princess Diana—and they can hurt.

Thus, the purpose of this book, Cinderella, is to warn you that you will need your rubber galoshes as you walk in the sun holding his hand. Yes, the perfect day could end in a short, but torrential downpour and a maze of mud holes resembling the Everglades. Whether you choose to gingerly step over or around the sludge, or wade directly through the mire, it is best to prepare for the swamp.

You have entered the quagmire that a Last Wife often traverses in her celestial journey. The muddle can be quite offensive at times. However, keep in mind that mud is not all bad. It can also be a healing agent and a choice skin care product. Although you may feel soiled by the dirt that can cling to you during your courtship, just think how pure your skin will be upon peeling off the mud mask.

You might be dreaming of slinging your own retaliation pie. My advice is not to get stuck in the muck but to bask in the glow the mud

Reviews for Cinderella Has Cellulite

[katsmiao · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I was disappointed in this book and DNF at about 20%. I loved the description, and had high expectations for a fresh, honest and funny look at dating/relationships in mid life. Instead I just felt alienated. I didn't connect with the book at all, and I didn't find it very funny. I just didn't relate at all.

This is just my personal experience. The book has many great reviews, which tells me it's appreciated by many.