Reflections on the Upsides of Aging: Living with Joy and Purpose After Age 50

By Grace Chruch of Humble, Dr. Helen Mendes Love MSW, Pastor Scott Jones and Texas Chairman

Aging is God's gift to you.

Even as your body grows old, learn how as a Senior member of God's Forever Family to live the balance of your earthly life with hope, joy and purpose.

This is a great book. Everyone over 50 years of age must read it. It contains many practical ways to live life after fifty with significance and great joy It certainly shows that we will still count in life and can make a difference as we grow old.
Rev. Dr. Arthur W. Davenport,
Senior Pastor, First Church of God, Far Rockaway, New York

Dr. Helen Mendes Loves Reflections on the Upsides of Aging is so Spiritfilled and powerful. After reading it, I am renewed in the wonder of Gods blessings to me in my many years I have also learned through Dr. Helens sharing that I will never be too old to grow and to enjoy new ways of telling this loving God thank you!
Paulette Meeks,
former Daughter of Charity
and author of The Best For Last: One Womans Unusual Tale of Life and Love

I enjoyed this book. Dr. Mendes Loves handling of a variety of delicate subjects shows her deftness, aplomb, and confidence in her research. The chapter on sin is an exemplary treatise on a subject with sharp, jagged edges. I thank Dr. Mendes Love for speaking so freely of aging with great purpose and direction. Her scholarly, grandmotherly, sweet slap is a welcome wakeup call.
Brett Jones, Senior Pastor,
Grace Church of Humble, Texas

This book will inspire the reader. The content will enrich your life
Marvin Powell, Retired Judge,
Liberty County, Texas

Helen Mendes Love, author, speaker, and life coach, earned a Masters of Social Work degree from Columbia University and a doctorate from UCLA. She has served as a professor at the University of Southern California and director of Social Work at Pepperdine University of Malibu, California. She is the mother of two and grandmother of six. She and her husband, Gregory R. Love, live in Humble, Texas.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Feb 25, 2011
• ISBN: 9781449711313

Grace Chruch of Humble

Dr Helen A. Mendes Love is President of Mendes Consultation Services which she founded in 1976. She and her Professional Associates encourage people to cooperate with God in solving stressful personal, marital, family and work-relationship problems. Dr Helen Mendes (Love) earned her Masters Degree in Social Work at Columbia University and her Doctorate at UCLA. She studied theology at Fuller Theological Seminary. As a professor of social work at the University of Southern California she taught Masters and Ph.D students how to help people with a range of stressful problems. She is former Director of the Social Work Minor program at Pepperdine University where she taught undergraduate students. She was also on the faculties of UCLA and the Hunter College School of Social Work. She is a member of the Academy of Social Workers and a Diplomat of Clinical Social Work. Dr Helen Mendes (Love) has been quoted in the Los Angeles Times, The Christian Science Monitor, the San Francisco Chronicle, Essence Magazine, Redbook Magazine and Human Behavior Magazine. She is the author of The African-Heritage Cookbook, a history-recipe book and God's Stress Management Plan - Ten Biblical Principles for Avoiding, Reducing or Better Managing Stress. She has authored numerous articles for professional and lay publications. Her work as a cultural diversity consultant is the subject of a chater in the book, Choices - Careers fo People Who Like People. She has given hundred of speeches and seminars for churches, non-profit, for-profit and governmental organizations. Dr Mendes (Love) has been a guest on radio and television. among them were KCBS, KNBC, KACE, KJLH, KZLA and KKLA. Among the honors she received are an Award of Excellence from The Women of Religious Achievement, Inc. and the City of Los Angeles, Zeta Phi Beta's Woman of The Year Award in Education, a University of Southern California Award of Merit for Outstanding and Dedicated Service. She has been listed in Who's Who of American Women, Who's Who Among Black Americans and in the Outstanding People of the 20th Century.

Book preview

Contents

Scripture Sources

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Before You Begin

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

NOTES

APPENDIX

This book is dedicated to my parents, Arthur and Louise Davenport, my spiritual father & mentor, Reverend William M. James and my mother-in-law, Ruby Love. All of them showed me the many upsides of aging.

Scripture Sources

Unless otherwise indicated, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version of the Bible. Copyright 1979, 1980 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version ® NIV® Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked RSV are taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible. Copyright by Augsburg Fortress. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked LBV are taken from the Living Bible Version of the Bible. Copyright 1996 by Tyndale House Publishers. All rights reserved.

Scriptures marked Msg. are taken from The Message version of the Bible. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of New Press Publishing Group.

Scriptures marked AMP are scripture quotations taken from AMPLIFIED BIBLE. Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964. 1965. 1987 by the Lockman Foundation. All rights reserved. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org).

Acknowledgments

I am privileged to be a member of the teaching team of the OASIS (Older Adults Still In Service) Sunday School class, headed by Guy Worsham at Grace Church of Humble, Texas. I am grateful to Guy and to all of the OASIS class for making our gatherings as members of God’s forever family so much fun. I especially thank Larry Wiggins, our lead teacher, and my fellow teachers, Bishop Charles Colegrove and David Kasprzak, for their love of God and of the Scriptures. These men of God have been both inspirational and insightful. I truly appreciate the members of the OASIS class for their collective and individual responses to my teachings; they have helped to shape much of the material found in this book.

I thank Paulette Meeks, Joyce Lady J Jones, Laura and Bishop Charles Colegrove, and Nell Faulkner for their encouragement and careful reading of the manuscript. I am especially thankful to Nell who read the entire manuscript three times, in order to help prevent typos and other glitches from getting in the way of delivering the spiritual message of this book. I truly appreciate the professional editing done by Jeannette Cezanne (Customline Wordware) and Brookes Nohlgren.

I am deeply grateful to my husband, Gregory R. love, for being my partner in life and in the prayerful development of this book. He patiently read the many drafts of the manuscript, giving me honest feedback and challenging me to give God my very best.

Foreword

What a wonderful book! The concept behind this project is fabulous. I see too many senior citizens stop living productively and just attempt to get by at that point. Why? These are supposed to be your golden years! We should live our lives spending ourselves, pouring out every drop, wringing out every last bit of living that we have. Birds fly and they don’t stop when they get old. Fish swim and they don’t stop when they get old. Why do we people stop doing what we were created to do just because of the digits in our age?

I found Dr. Helen Mendes Love’s book inspiring and challenging. It could only be written and presented by someone in her own golden years. In this book the reader is challenged to keep living, remain productive, not use age as a license to fudge on the sin deal, and leave a legacy. I couldn’t help but think of my own father and mother as I read Reflections on the Upsides of Aging. My dad, our bishop, lived life until his new life. He’s still impacting people almost two years after his passing. We should all do the same.

Why not take advantage of everything offered us by age? By that I don’t just mean AARP discounts! I’m reminded of a line from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. An older lady is angry after two younger women cut in front of her and steal her parking space at the grocery store. One of the young women says, Face it, lady. We’re younger and faster. At that point she puts her car in drive and rams into their parked car. Face it, girls, I’m older and have more insurance.

I commend you on a job well done and a book well-written.

Blessings.

Pastor Scott Jones

Grace Church of Humble, Texas

Chairman, Global Network of Christian Ministries

Before You Begin

I am three-quarters of a century old and I am having the best years of my life. Most of the Christians over 50 that I’ve asked tell me that these are also their golden years.

Perhaps, like me, many of you over 50 expected something different. We grew up in a youth-oriented culture that regarded old people as out-of-date and of questionable value.

Consequently, the idea of aging scares many people. I am often startled by the terror I see on the faces and hear in the voices of some adults as they fight off any reminder that they are getting old. In fact, a Harris poll reported that only 8% of people over 65 found the term old an acceptable description of themselves. The majority of respondents also objected to the terms older American, golden-ager, old-timer, aged person, and some even bridled as being labeled middle-aged. Barely half of the 65-year-olds found the terms senior citizen, mature American, or retired person acceptable ways to describe themselves.1

This anti-ageism still exists, albeit to a somewhat lesser degree. After the end of World War II, there was an explosion in the number of babies born in the United States. By their sheer numbers, these people—who we call baby boomers—have been impacting every aspect of American culture. Although as a group, older Americans have considerable wealth and political clout, many individuals are, nevertheless, intimidated that they can no longer pass as young. They spend a lot of time and money trying to camouflage their ages by:

• covering their graying hair with dyes and rinses

•   having surgical facelifts

•   having themselves injected with Botox to remove wrinkles from their faces, necks, and other sagging parts of their bodies

•   keeping plastic surgeons busy nipping and tucking aging bodies in efforts to make them resemble youthful ones

But some of us are less intimidated by the youth-oriented messages bombarding our society. Although we have begun to miss the energy, firmness, and physical strength of our youth, we are relieved that we no longer have to deal with:

•   the emotional turbulences of learning to be a real grown-up

•   confusion about our self-identities or needing to find ourselves

•   succeeding or not in our jobs or careers

•   finding and maintaining intimate relationships

•   anxieties that accompany many of the major life decisions and changes that impact us and those we love

As a mental health professional with clients in their twenties, thirties, and forties, I’ve often breathed sighs of relief that I no longer struggle with most of the life issues associated with being a young or middle-aged adult. By the time I reached my half-century of living I had developed perspectives that were very valuable to me and to my clients. To be sure, what I shared with them was built upon the sound educations I received at Columbia University, the University of California at Los Angeles (UCLA), and Fuller theological Seminary.

My experiences as a professor at the University of Southern California where I taught masters and doctoral students of social work, and my later experiences as Director of the Social Work Undergraduate Program at Pepperdine University, all enriched my knowledge and insights into people and cultures. My over 40 years as a social worker in private practice where I helped people solve personal, marital, family, and work-relationship problems were augmented by the research and training in issues of cultural diversity that I and my staff gave to executives and employees of corporations, governmental organizations, social services agencies, lay groups and churches.

The perspectives I hold have been refined by the life lessons I’ve learned during my spiritual journey. I was fortunate to have grown up in a Christian family. Although I’m sure that my father believed in God, it was my mother’s intimate relationship with Jesus Christ that most impressed me. The values she taught and modeled for me and my sisters and brothers informed the decisions she made. Even in her eighties, when dementia kept her from recognizing that I was her daughter, she always seemed clear about who the Lord was. I witnessed the strength and resources she drew upon from her faith to deal with the pains and joys she encountered in life.

After over four decades of living life on my terms, I decided to surrender control of my life to God by accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior. (I describe this struggle in the first chapter.)

I want to emphasize that that decision radically changed the quality of my life. It was a critical step in this incredible spiritual journey I have been on ever since. From that moment on, I’ve tried to cooperate with the transformation of my personality by the Holy Spirit. I rejoice as my mind is continually renewed and I grow into the image of Christ. I sometimes stumble in my walk with the Lord, but I am loved. When I repent, I am forgiven.

In the over thirty years since my decision for Christ, I have experienced joy, sadness, pain, grief, elation, confusion, certainty, and human love. I have discovered that my major purpose for living is to encourage, counsel, and teach people. It is important, especially in the time on earth that I have left, that I discharge my God given life-assignments in ways that please God. My ongoing prayer is that He gives me the love and wisdom I need to be helpful to my family, students, clients, friends, readers, and everyone I encounter in life.

As I have long since passed a half-century of living, I am more conscious that I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I want to share some life lessons I’ve learned which contribute to the happiness and quality of life I—and other believers over fifty—enjoy. This joy can be experienced even as our bodies deteriorate. Rarely do I have long conversations with others over sixty where neither of us makes reference to some part of our bodies that is aching or otherwise acting up.

These physical discomforts remind us of our mortality.

People who believe that this life is all there is dread its ending. They chase life, doing whatever they can to prolong their earthly existence. Some bankrupt their families’ emotional and financial resources to obtain medical procedures that promise to prolong their days on earth. Some believe that when their bodies die, the essence of who they are also ceases. Indeed, such a world-view is bleak!

There are those of us who believe that the essence of who we are (i.e., our spirits/souls) survive the demise of our bodies. I believe that my soul will return to its maker who is God and I will have to pass a final exam or judgment (2 Corinthians 5:10). These years we have left allow us to prepare for this exam, which will determine whether we are admitted to God’s Kingdom of Heaven or not. The fundamental questions will pivot on the decisions we made about Jesus Christ.

Whatever position you hold on this matter, there are implications for how you choose to live whatever time you have left. If you choose Jesus Christ, you have a better chance of experiencing the upsides of aging in the here-and-now and you’ll be better prepared to spend eternity with God (John 3:16).

This book is written for people fifty years old—and over—who want to grow spiritually as members of God’s forever family. The foundations of the upsides of aging are God-centered. Scripture tells us that God has wonderful plans for our lives. He has given each of us unique life assignments. We will flourish and be productive in our old age as rewards for our being cooperative with God’s awesome ambition to reconcile the world to Himself.

The book is designed to encourage you to interact with it. You will get the most benefits if you do not rush through reading it. I strongly recommend that you pause at the end of each chapter and take time to seriously think about the Questions to Reflect Upon and their implications for your life. Underline passages of the text that are especially meaningful to you. Pray the prayers at the end of the chapters and/or say your own prayers. Keep a notebook or journal where you can record your thoughts about the issues discussed in each chapter. Make sure to write down what you believe that God is whispering to you about what He wants you to do during your remaining time on earth.

Those of you who are widowed, divorced, or otherwise unmarried may be tempted to skip the chapter on Loving Your Spouse. I believe that reading it may better equip you, as a Senior Ambassador for Christ, to guide someone who seeks out your wise counsel. Likewise, those of you who are not parents may be able to share helpful insights discussed in the chapters, Encouraging Your Adult Children and Enjoying Your Grandchildren with those who are.

Clearly, none of these chapters will make you an expert. But God may use the biblical principles contained in them to enable you to bless the people He allows to cross your path.

This book includes reflections on the principles I’ve drawn from the Bible, social science literature, my own and other people’s real life experiences. I have changed the names and other identifying information to protect the privacy of the people who entrusted me with their testimonies. I pray that as a result of reflecting on, praying about, and applying the insights contained in this book, you will truly experience the many upsides of aging.

Dr Helen A. Mendes Love

Humble, Texas

October, 2010

CHAPTER ONE

Aging in the Dimensions of Time and Eternity

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day, For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweigh them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)

This scripture encourages us to not be frightened or lose heart as we age and anticipate (or actually experience) the aches, pains, and diminished strength and vitality associated with getting old. These and other age-related maladies and diseases are definitely unwelcome. They are, however, confirmations of scripture that declares that outwardly (i.e., physically) we are perishing, wasting away.

Intuitively, we recoil at the mere idea of wasting away and of dying. We are wired to cling to life, however troublesome it sometimes may be. Like all living things, we humans are powerfully motivated to live, to preserve our lives. Observe insects, birds, animals, reptiles, fish, and even plants.

Whether they fight, run away, disguise themselves or otherwise outsmart predators and other threats to their lives, they demonstrate that they—like us—value life.

Even the relatively small numbers of those who attempt to commit suicide have to overcome this inbred desire for life. In my experiences counseling people who planned or attempted suicide, it was clear that decisions to end their lives were always preceded by furious internal battles to live. I have also worked with parents, spouses, and friends of suicides who killed themselves after losing struggles that sometimes lasted for years before succumbing to overwhelming despair or mental illness. They definitely did not go gently into that dark night. Even people who blow themselves up for religious or political reasons (and steal the lives of others in the process) seem to believe that their actions will jettison them into paradise or some other happier afterlife.

The desire for life is so intense that the surest way to experience the downside of aging is to focus on your perishing body and your inevitable death. God, who made us, intends for our bodies to die. (Job 34: 15; Eccl. 12:7; Gen. 3: 19) Each of our bodies has an expiration date. The exact date and time are known only to God. In spite of our efforts and those of our doctors and scientists, we all have appointments for the end of our tenancies on earth.

But although our bodies will inevitably die, our spirits—the essence of who we are—do not have to!

God gives us a choice! As with all choices that we make, our choices about this special offer have temporal and eternal consequences. Scripture informs us that "for God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He (even) gave up His only begotten (unique) Son so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. (John 3:16, Amp)

Our safety from eternal death was purchased by Jesus, who agreed to be the ransom for us. Our sinful attitudes, words and behaviors deserve the deaths of our spirits; but God allowed Jesus to be our substitute: His crucifixion and death were accepted by God as payment in full for our sins. Therefore, He who believes in Him, (who clings to, trusts, relies on Him) is not judged (he who trusts in Him never comes up for judgment; for him there is no rejection, no condemnation—he incurs no damnation.) (John 3:18, Amp.) When we make the choice to believe and trust Jesus as Lord and Savior of our souls, we in effect make the choice to surrender control over our lives to God. This pledge of allegiance commits us to living the rest of our lives in ways that please God. When we make this choice, our spirits—in interaction with the influences of God’s Holy Spirit—help us to develop into people whose character and integrity resembles those of God’s beloved Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29).

God keenly desires that your spirit and mine live eternally with Him. He decided, however, to leave that important decision to us. He will not force us to choose Him. He has given us free will, which enables us to tell Him, Thanks, but no thanks.

If we decline His generous offer, we forfeit the benefits of belonging to His forever family, and deprive our souls of eternal life. In essence, when we turn down His offer, we choose to go through our remaining years on earth without experiencing the special blessings He gives to those who choose to live with Him forever.

Although I loved God since childhood and was influenced by the teachings of Jesus since my youth, I did not accept Christ as my personal savior until I was in my early forties. I simply did not realize the importance of making that decision until Gregory Love, who later became my husband, witnessed to me and convinced me. The most compelling point he made was that the only way my soul would spend eternity with the God I loved was through accepting the sacrifices that God’s Holy Son, Jesus Christ, made for those who believe in Him and His atonement.

I initially fought this assertion. I did not doubt that I had sinned, for I had ample evidence that I was not holy—even though, by my standards, I was a good person. However, if God required more for admission to His kingdom than my sporadic good works and lofty thoughts, then I felt that I’d better pay attention to this matter

I then read the entire Bible twice in the King James and The Living Bible versions. I really was doing research to find proof that my standards were good enough. I especially focused on what the Scriptures reported that Jesus said about Himself. Lo and behold, I found that in John 14:6, He said, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me. (NIV) I was furious!

I didn’t want to change. I didn’t want to have to accept a world-view that conflicted with the ones secular education had fostered in me. Using the tools of my profession,

I reasoned that there were three possibilities for me to consider. They were:

1.   Jesus of Nazareth’s belief that he was the Messiah was delusional;

2.   Jesus lied;

3.   Jesus told the truth.

After looking up information about delusional disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, published by the American Psychiatric Association—the bible for diagnosing mental illnesses—I concluded that it was highly unlikely that Jesus was delusional about being the Messiah, since thousands of people in biblical times and millions of people since then also believed that about Him. Over the centuries, some were killed because they steadfastly held this belief.

I then considered that Jesus might have lied, asserting a divinity that he knew he did not have. Again, I thought it unlikely that such a lie could have survived for over two thousand years. I thought of my mother, the Reverend William Marcus James (my spiritual father and mentor) and many other people I knew who were honest and intelligent individuals whose lives were empowered by their beliefs in the divinity of Jesus.

So I was left with the possibility that Jesus had told the truth. He was (and is) the Son of God. Before falling asleep that night, I prayed to God the Father and told Him that I could not reason my way to accepting Christ as my savior. If it really was important to my spending eternity with Him (the Father), I needed His help to accept Jesus by faith.

The first