I Need to Find Me

By Lorraine Gokul

This book is dedicated to all abused women. Who are trapped in relationships?
Where circumstances tend to overcrowd their judgments?

The emotional trauma is true and is fused in with fiction to give the reader a gripping story.


Trapped in an emotional and physically abused marriage, Abella has a brief love affair that devastates her further. With the fear of growing old, and the quest to find herself, she faces challenges, when her prominent grandfather's sickness leads her to Spain, a country, which she hurriedly left, twenty- five years ago. She finds herself in love with her bodyguard Miguel Castillo. The death of her grandfather, Armando Delgado makes her an heir, which leads to more pain and suffering as secrets unfold. What caused her mother to leave in such a hurry? Will the pain and suffering that seems to follow Abella, evade her or will she find herself?

Read! The twist of events that manipulates the lives of innocent people, causing them lifelong sorrow, death and heartache dealt by the hand of a powerful and treacherous man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Apr 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9781481790376

Lorraine Gokul

Author Lorraine Gokul, resides in South Africa and is no stranger to the glitz and glamour of camera, lights, and action. She started her modeling and acting career at the age of 12. Apart from being an actress, and casting co-coordinator, her passion for the media led her to study movie technology. Combining her entrepreneurial skills together with her creativity in writing. She has written two romance novels and is currently working on two other titles. Her novel "I NEED TO FIND ME" includes much of her personal emotions. She has achieved many objectives, including studying Early Childhood development, running her own private school, publishing poetry, assisting new writers to get published, a singer and a counselor. Her buoyancy and charisma attract people from different lifestyles, irrespective of age, gender, nationality or culture.

Book preview

By the same Author:

‘Will love justify everything?’

Does love overcome the injustices of life?

I Need

to

Find Me

Lorraine Gokul

US%26UK%20Logo%20B%26W_new.ai

AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.

500 Avebury Boulevard

Central Milton Keynes, MK9 2BE

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Phone: [phone]

This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events, and situations are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental.

© 2010 Lorraine Gokul. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 3/30/2010

ISBN: 978-1-4490-4759-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-9037-6 (ebook)

Contents

By the same Author:

Acknowledgements

Compliments

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapters 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

About the author

Will love justify everything?

To

The memory of my beloved father always remembered.

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Top model, actor, presenter and managing director Franko Schwanitz

www.frankoschwanitz.de

Abuse is a dreadful experience and something inexcusable what unfortunately, most women experience. I can simply not understand why one has done such a thing, bad to you. It hurts me indescribably, whole-heartedly.

I would like to inform every single, affected woman worldwide that each of you has earned always only the best. You are the most precious creature what God has created.

Therefore, you may never allow that one injures you again.

I would like to say to every man on earth. However, that one should-

Respect and revere the women. They are the (Anima), the soulful heart and the precious soul for happy, harmonious life full with love…

Managing Director Franko Schwanitz from Deutschland/ Hannover

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to all who stood by me on this project, my family Desmond, Nicole, Warren, Cherise, Bradley, Mum, sisters Merelenda and Lisa for your dedicated prayers and encouragement. Stephen Andrew Kirk for proofreading and editing. I know, I can be a right pain, but thanks for being there for me. To my publishing advisor Liam Brandom, the Authorhouse Thames team, Scott Testy your speedy response was amazing, Heather Hobson for your patience with me, it is sad to see you leave. However, I welcome Annalisa Olson who will be working with me, not forgetting Gail Warren, and the rest of the team who I never mention. Tremendous thanks to authors Felix Mittendorfer, Nick Daws, Michelle Frost for you continued support and my special and dear friend, the amazing famous Top model, actor, presenter-TV/advertising and Film productions guy Managing Director and Beautiful Man of The World Franko Schwanitz who has won a lot of beauty choices and model contest internationally. He has been already distinguished several times. It is an honour to have such a dear friend with whom I share my successes. Thank you Franko for letting me use your photos in this book and in my next book covers.

Compliments

Once again, really an outstanding story, of this wonderful author! I have enjoyed it thoroughly and this wonderful lady has become one of my very favorite-writers by her lively way to communicate us real and true feelings. She has deeply impressed me again by her new novel, absolutely a book written by life.

I only can say: Keep and maintain your breath taking style and continue writing, it is just wonderful what you make us feel and in the end even learn by your books, dear Lorraine!

My entire admiration and my best regards to you - you really deserve a big success!

Felix

Dear Lorraine, it is to be dedicated to me a special joy to you now personal words.

You are a wonderful and successful woman. I congratulate you from the whole heart on your new book. I am sure that you will be also very successful with this book. You are a very gifted artist (writer author). It is to me a quite special honour to be able to present you with my photo presence in your novel or to be able to present arms. I am glad very much about our future-oriented and successful collaboration. I wish a lot of joy and countless nice, captivating and inspiring moments every single reader of your book. Personally, I wish you for your other future of the whole heart, all luck of this world and always only the best. All your nicest dreams and also all your wishes should come true.

Love and regards from Germany/ Hannover….

Franko Schwanitz.

Lorraine,

What a brilliant book, full of unexpected twists, turns and surprises. I enjoyed it. Your books gets better with each new novel released, can’t wait for the next one.

(Stephen. A. Kirk)

INTRODUCTION

I don’t anticipate sadness, yet it comes stealing my joy.

I can’t comprehend, the pain or hurt, that accompanies it, but loneliness surrounds an empty space, which I’ve created, how, why? I guess I’ll never know. Being imprisoned by invisible chains the links are so hard to break. When, or how can I escape? What life has handed me on a plate? I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride, and there’s no one by my side. Why is life so unfair? Does God really care? My life was to be a mother and a wife, that is what I believed, now I’m not so sure, and know that life requires more. There was never a ‘Me’ that I finally did see. Well, it’s time for me to break free, to cut off everything, which holds me in captivity. I want to break free, I want to tear down the walls, that keep me imprisoned, and I don’t want to get into a predicament. I just need to find ‘Me’.’

Tears streamed down Abella Spencer’s cheeks, as she wrote in her diary. ‘I wish you understood my feelings. I always suppressed them, to make you happy, but I just can’t take this anymore.’ Her strong religious beliefs couldn’t give way to any form of injustice, contradictions, or misdemeanor. Her life was her husband and children. They meant the world to her, and everything revolved around them. She spent her days baking, cooking, cleaning, and expecting their return home, but today she carried a pain and loneliness, which tore her heart. In sadness, she gazed through her window, and realized twenty years, was a long time to endure any kind of hurt and pain. Although she never considered it, hurt in anyway previously. She looked at the crimson leaves in their autumn prime, as if mesmerized, the dry dead and lifeless leaves, which once had life, now lay crumbled on the ground. Once they’d shone with evergreen beauty, but their time had come to die. She felt as lifeless as the leaves, which lay bare on the ground, her children trampling on them, the naked tree, standing unashamed, taking every form of abuse, from the weather each day, its beauty gone, frail, and unsightly, yet anticipating its season of growth, and repair. She thought of death, was it a way of escape? She wished death on herself. She lamented on the poem death be not proud.

She knew that the poet personified and belittled death. He taunted and sneered at death, that no matter how it came through suicide, war, illness, poison, its victims never died, that there was eternal life, after death and faith defeated death. She wondered if the poet had a fear of dying. That he’d challenged death. She feared death herself, and classified it as a thief, which robbed people of happiness and togetherness. People don’t find answers in death, it is a temporary cure, but others suffer the consequences. However, she wished death on herself to end her misery. With her temporary cure, she knew that the people she loved the most would suffer. Will her season of growth and repair ever come? Could she be strong? Like the naked tree, taking the abuse. Was this just a season, her autumn? Will it change to complement the next season? On the other hand, was she going to experience the same season, a season of hurt, pain, torment, and turmoil. Even if she stared death in its face, her religious belief wouldn’t allow her that satisfaction. Her life felt so unfair, she felt trapped and found she was in a ‘no win’ situation. She remembered one of Reverend Martin’s sermons, ‘It is a truism to suggest that for many people deaths are the most frightening fact of life. However, we take the short way out. What do we accomplish when we take our own life? I’ll tell you ‘SIN’ it separates us from God. We feel rejected by someone we love so we want to die. Is that justified? The bible tells us that there’s no forgiveness for taking one’s own life. It indeed is a sin.’ Abella was saddened by that fact, she knew that her prayers were long overdue.

‘Dear lord, I pray this day, that you’ll help me find my way. Through hurts and pains, I drifted far. I may not have seen it coming but the enemy sure won in his cunning way. Help me revoke the things I do, so that I can be better for you. Put my mind into perspective so that I may be able to relinquish all the things you abhor. Vanquish the enemy and his schemes, and redeem me. I need you lord, I really do, I’m so lost without you, Amen.’

After her prayer she wondered, how could her life change so drastically? What did she do wrong to face such atrocities? Her mind delved into episodes of her life, trying to distinguish, whatever it was that radically changed.

Chapter 1

When Abella first met Gary Spencer at the shopping mall, there had been an instant attraction. His distinctive features captivated her, she was almost spellbound, he was a handsome, medium height, and burly built. She felt his piercing green eyes focused on her, when he instantly caught, sight of her. He smiled, and then walked closer to her. As if a bottle of perfume opened, she could smell the fragrance, of love lingering between them. He was her destiny. ‘May, I help with your bags?’ His words came from his mouth clear and concise. She pursed her lips in an awkward twist and smiled. ‘Thanks!’ She said, ‘However, I’m sure I’ll manage.’ Her reply was shy and curt. She walked a few short steps and knew his eyes were on her back. She felt uncomfortable knowing he watched her, she felt in comparison to a waddling duck with all her bags. She stopped, turned, and saw his unbroken stare focused on her. She eyed him uncomfortably, and then raising her voice, she said, ‘I guess an extra pair of hands would help.’ He smiled, walked towards her, took some bags of her, and walked her, to her car, he said, ‘I’m Gary Spencer.’ His broad grin, flashed across his face, showing his white shapely teeth. She smiled back at him, ‘Abella Delgado.’ She said her soft tone, complemented her name. She opened the car boot and placed the bags of shopping inside. ‘Thank you, for the help.’ She said. He raised his eyebrows, and said, ‘A pleasure, Abella.’ searching her, finding her irresistible. ‘Would, you be interested in having dinner with me, sometime, soon?’ He asked. She smiled, pushing her hair behind her ears, as she set the last bag into place. ‘I don’t know, why not, perhaps you could come to my place tomorrow?’ She suggested, reaching into her bag, pulling out a notepad, she scribbled, and tore the page. He anxiously scrutinized her every move. She held out her hand with the note, and said, ‘this is my phone number, call me, I’ll give you directions.’ He smiled at her, pacing her from head to toe. He accepted the note.’ Thanks, I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow.’ He replied. She got into her car, smiled at him, nervously inserted the key into the ignition, started her car, and at a snail’s pace eased out of the parking area. He raised his hand and gestured in a wave. Her beauty captivated him, her golden curls shining, gently swaying with every movement. He had seen her car leave, until the car disappeared out of sight, smiling to himself, he walked to where his car had been parked, got into his car, read the written note which he still held, tucked the note into his shirt pocket, started his car and drove off. The next day, Gary went to visit Abella. She introduced him to her mother Theresa, a smart slender and beautiful woman, who eyed him cautiously. Theresa’s family viewed her as the matriarch, she was always in control, a practical -mother hen, who always thought no one, was good enough for her daughter. ‘You’d better had a good reason for being here!’ Theresa exclaimed, her voice stern, her gaze focused on Gary. Abella realized, Theresa was going to be rude to Gary, so she intervened, ‘Mama, I invited Gary, over in appreciation for his kindness yesterday.’ Abella showed Gary, into the dining room. Feeling very uncomfortable by her mother’s behavior, she apologized, ‘I’m sorry for that my mother is more than usually protective of me.’ Gary smiled, ‘I don’t blame her with beauty like yours. I think she should have had to hire bodyguards.’ She found him humorous, she laughed. Abella excused herself, to go to fetch the meals, when she’d returned her mother joined them. There had been silence at the table. Theresa’s eyes stayed fixed on Gary. ‘What work do you do?’ She asked. She surprised him by her sudden interest in him, he replied, ‘I’m a computer programmer.’ He looked at her, and then turned his focus on Abella. ‘I see you show an interest in my daughter.’ Theresa remarked flagrantly, just before putting a spoonful of serving into her mouth, ‘I must admit it would be difficult not to show an interest in such beauty, Mrs. Delgado.’ Abella blushed, when she heard his remark. ‘It’s time for dessert.’ Abella said, trying to avoid the uneasy topic, she rose up from her seat, and went to the kitchen. Gary admired her, as she gracefully moved, her high heeled shoes, tapped on the tiled floor, until she was out of sight. Theresa searched Gary’s face, with a stern remark, ‘my daughter, is not to be used and discarded by men, so I suggest, if you got an ulterior motive, you should leave now!’ Without hesitation, Gary confessed, he had been attracted to Abella. ‘I’m not on familiar terms with how Abella does feel about me right now, but I would love to get to be acquainted with her, Mrs. Delgado. Theresa hadn’t intimidated him. He responded, nonchalantly. When Abella came back into the room, she had seen Gary hadn’t been nervous, and her mother had the impression of being, in control. ‘I’ll take my dessert, in front of the television, my favorite program is about to begin.’ Holding the small dessert bowl, with a serving of trifle, Theresa excused herself and left the room, ‘I hope my mother didn’t get the better of you.’ Abella remarked, as she sat. He smiled sarcastically and responded, ‘Nothing, I couldn’t handle.’ She laughed scornfully, ‘Explains, why you are still here, more often than not by now, my dates, would have left. I think my mother finally met her match.’ He laughed and said, ‘You can’t be serious.’ ‘The reason, I’m still single.’ She said, pinching her eyebrows, with absurd laughter. ‘In point of fact, I’m kidding, you are my first date.’ She giggled. Abella noticed she had been comfortable talking to Gary. He didn’t hesitate, to tell her he had been attracted to her. ‘I would like to get to know you better.’ He said, in an almost bashful manner, his face flushed color. She smiled, blushed, and replied, ‘I would like that too.’ When Gary left, had been certain Abella was the woman, which he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, Abella knew she was instantly attracted to Gary. Gary visited her daily. They confessed their love for each other, but Theresa seemed to stand grounded on her beliefs, that Gary would soon hurt her daughter. Theresa would say offensive things to Gary, but he would ignore her remarks. Abella’s relationship with her mother became overwrought, which resulted in arguments most days. Theresa blamed Gary for the misgivings, which happened between them. Abella revolted against the mayhem that her mother caused. Gary became frustrated and wanted to end their relationship. He stayed away for a week from seeing Abella. The separation hurt her deeply and a week later Gary renewed their relationship. She had been close to losing Gary, but their love sufficed, all odds. A love so deep, under no circumstances, could remain severed. Their love transgressed every form of defeat that overpowered them. She thought of how he would purchase her expensive chocolate, and keep it in the inner pocket of his jacket, and when he presented the chocolate to her, it was a melted blob, no demarcation lines, no restrictions just one big blob of brown he had gotten only for her. To her, it was so special, everything he did for her, had made her feel, wonderfully special. Abella knew that he loved her enough to marry her. Two months later as the day progressed to the eve of their engagement, Abella received a phone call from Gary. ‘I won’t be coming tomorrow; I’m calling off the engagement.’ It stunned her, she put the phone down, tears streaming down her cheeks, shocked and panic stricken, she shut herself in her room ‘Oh God! How can this be happening to me?’ She cried, and prayed that God would help her. She wasn’t ready to face the guests, and reveal to all, Gary had let her down. Theresa never said a word and Abella wondered if her mother was shocked. On the other hand, if she had prayed silently for her. Abella spent the entire night wide-awake, telling God, it was better if she died that night, so that she wouldn’t be disgraced, or, otherwise scorned by the guests, she kept wondering, why he had waited until the last minute? Why, hadn’t he given her some indication of his intention? Perhaps, he never really loved her. She hated to hear her mother say, ‘I warned you he wasn’t good for you!’ She stared at his photograph and cried, ‘I loved you Gary, with all my heart. Why, did you have to destroy such pure love? I could never love anyone, or trust anyone again. I can’t bear to be without you.’ The next morning, Gary phoned, ‘Get ready, I’m coming, I love you,’ he said in one breath. She was quiet and didn’t utter a word. The hurt, she had felt left her numb. The lump in her throat, wouldn’t allow her to argue with him, despite his actions, on the other end of the phone line, there was the man she loved, she couldn’t fight, she didn’t know how to, but accept. Although she had cried, the entire night, Abella was surprised at how pretty she looked on her engagement day, no puffy red or burning eyes. Everyone complimented her on her beauty, especially Gary’s friends who were meeting her for the very first time. The way he gazed at her made her feel secure. His love became so transparent to her, when she gazed into his green eyes. She had to trust him from this day forwards. After the engagement, he apologized for his behavior, and blamed Theresa her mother, for his actions. ‘I became fed up with your mother, Abella, I’m sorry that I hurt you in the process,’ he said hugging her. ‘Don’t ever do anything as stupid as what you have done again, Gary, it will be unforgivable,’ she said, tugging at his coat. Their love was so strong, and it became stronger, with each day, which followed. They’d found strength in each other. He made sure she was happy. Their moments together, made them know only one thing their love was so unique, and could take on any form of beating. Their love in comparison to an onion, you can peel away and wouldn’t find an end, but always a new layer each time, a good glassy layer without an end. His ways made her feel so special and his love for her made her complete. Just to see each other, every day and whisper special words brought satisfaction to them, both.

It was a lovely spring day, Abella anticipated this day with great eagerness. She had finally achieved victory. No opposition, fights, tantrums or tears. Today, she had tears of joy. The pearls on her white gown resembled teardrops, she felt unique satisfaction as her gown clasped her waist making her feel wanted. She had embraced this moment with great courtesy right down to the last fine details on her dress. How frantic, she had been these last few weeks wanting everything to be perfect. Her reigning moment had finally arrived. She was going to be with the man she loved. Her beautiful face complemented her make up. She walked down the aisle gracefully, and stood proud when she took her place next to her groom. Triumph had been besieged as they recited their marriage vows. Abella felt as if she was trembling. She felt her eyes twitching, her hands shaking and her knees soft like jelly. ‘Please dear God, don’t let me faint.’ She prayed silently. She wondered if she’d stuttered or fumbled her vows, which she recited, knowing, she’d never had any speech defects or difficulties before this moment. Her father would call her professor ‘brainstorm’ or ‘dictionary.’ Today, she felt like a two-year-old child learning how to speak for the first time. She wondered if this is what everyone called wedding jitters or nervousness. It sure had chosen a wrong time to show up. She thought, perhaps she appeared like a cartoon character her lips were probably flapping and the guests were in for the biggest blockbuster ‘Wedding cartoon series.’ When Reverend Martin announced, ‘You are now husband and wife, you may kiss the bride’ Gary kissed her with an unstoppable kiss. Reality set in she got married, and missed her wedding. The strange things wedding jitters or nervousness can make you do, take you away to a ‘no-brain’ zone, and make you an idiot of yourself. She wished brides never had to remove their veils. She remembered; the previous night how she prepared to say her vows and recites, a special poem for her new husband, but could she say it? Would the words ever come out right? Gary held her in his arms and said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my bride, oh wait, in reality, my wife, Mrs. Abella Spencer.’ The guests laughed and cheered the married couple. ‘What a beautiful bride, you make!’ Was the response of the guests when they congratulated Abella and, ‘What a splendid couple that you both make!’ The guests consisted of Gary’s friends and family. When Abella saw her mother, she noticed how sad she’d been. Why does she appear so sad? Shouldn’t she be happy now I am leaving home? Theresa walked graciously towards Abella her lovely gown complementing her slender body and good looks. She postured herself elegantly bending forward, ‘I hope he takes good care of you, darling,’ she said, in a soft tone and kissed Abella on her cheek. The tones in Theresa’s voice made Abella aware that her mother was sad to witness her get married. ‘You know, he’d take care of me Mama, please be happy for me.’ Theresa smiled, ‘I was just being careful, Abella. I didn’t want to see you to get hurt. I just wanted my daughter to have the best things in life.’ ‘Oh, Mama, I’m sorry, I was angry with you, it’s just that I knew and understood, Gary better than you did.’ ‘I gathered that now, Abella. I’m extremely sorry.’ Theresa said ruefully. ‘I know