Child of the Universe

By Michele Shannon

I come to you in this way; no body, no voice, just the spirit that comes across these pages. I come with a story that not only reveals my intense love for a man that I would never have, but also the depth of my devotion to my most wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I watched my marriage fall apart around me as I reached out to someone who was not there. I tried hopelessly to pick up the pieces of my broken marriage. The pieces did not seem to fit together, while still others were missing. Due to these conflicts, I experienced feelings of deep despair and then terror, as I sank into a dark depression and developed panic disorder.

I knew I had to rise above all this or fall prey to this most unhealthy set of circumstances. Through psychological counseling, spiritual guidance, prayer and the support of others, I was able to journey back to my childhood finding clues and information making it possible for me to put the bits and pieces of my life back together, making sense of this once and for all. I not only rise out of depression and panic disorder but also I rise above the burdens of childhood abuse.

I ultimately reach a wonderful place, a spiritual loving place, making of myself a strong Spirit-filled vessel for my husband and my children to connect with.

There are certainly lessons to be learned here from this story which I share with you. Come away with me grow from what I have learned and how I have loved.

Understand the importance of truth and the freedom that comes with it!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 17, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452097909

Michele Shannon

Michele Shannon received an early education on the subject of childhood abuse, and now helps others who as adults have had to manage the challenges of this experience. With over thirty years devoted to research in Self-Help and Christian Studies Michele has become the Master of overcoming abuse. Today she coaches others to become champions in their own lives, rising above these ordeals, so that they can lead productive lives filled with meaning and purpose. "It is about emotional healing, connecting with our core, which is God. It's about coming to terms with ourselves and others. This is what I do, I have been given the gift of Council. " says Michele. She tells an amazing story about her own journey and the lessons learned. Michele resides in Indiana with her husband, she has four children and one grandchild.

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

About the Cover Photograph

Thanks and Acknowledgments

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Champions!

Final Outcome

Introduction

I come to you in this way; no body, no voice, just the spirit that comes across these pages. I come with a story that not only reveals my intense love for a man that I would never have, but also the depth of my devotion to my most wonderful husband and two beautiful children. I watched my marriage fall apart around me as I reached out to someone who was not there. I tried hopelessly to pick up the pieces of my broken marriage. The pieces did not seem to fit together while still others were missing. Due to these conflicts, I experienced feelings of deep despair and then terror as I sank into a dark depression and developed panic disorder.

I knew I had to rise above all this or fall prey to this most unhealthy set of circumstances. Through psychological counseling, spiritual guidance, prayer, and the support of others, I was able to journey back to my childhood, finding clues and information, making it possible for me to put the bits and pieces of my life back together, making sense of this once and for all. I not only rise out of depression and panic disorder, but also I rise above the burdens of childhood abuse.

I ultimately reach a wonderful place, a spiritual loving place, making of myself a strong Spirit-filled vessel for my husband and my children to connect with.

There are certainly lessons to be learned here from this story which I share with you. Come away with me, grow from what I have learned and how I have loved.

Understand the importance of truth and the freedom that comes with it!

About the Cover Photograph

The cover photo was taken by my Father, Fred Shannon. My Father was a very talented photographer who acknowledged late in his career that he understood that God had always shown him what he wanted him to photograph. Certainly this was the case here. While he photographed many notable people, including presidents and celebrities, I expect this to become his most viewed and recognized work. It is an honor to be the subject of this, his work.

Bob Zielinski and I are pictured with our first born son Matthew at the time of his birth. The baby represents both of our children, Matthew and Laura. The baby actually represents all the children of the world and all their vulnerability, as well as the blessing that each child represents to us in our lives.

Special thanks to Sam Tang for the beautiful photograph on the back cover of the book. It captures my spirit as well as my image, his work is awesome! I recall, as this portrait was taken, asking Jesus Christ to come through in this photo. I believe He is there, in my eyes. Only those who hold Jesus in their hearts will recognize Him in this work. For it is as He says, I know my sheep and my sheep know me.

Thanks and Acknowledgments

To all my friends at New Age People, Indianapolis, IN; most of all, thanks to Dave Chaitanya and Susan Cotter who so often would encourage me to continue to work on my book.

Kay Frain, a wise and intuitive woman who counseled me on many occasions.

Lou Conkling, my dear friend who also encouraged me to continue on with my book.

Kelly Hoshaw, for your friendship and support on this effort.

Sarah Raad Grubb, for your work editing this book.

Bob Zielinski, you walked with me for a time down the road; you were part of the valuable lesson.

Mark Nutter, my husband, for your love and support, for believing in me: this is the journey that has led me to you and your love.

God, thank you, because clearly I did not write this book alone. The Lord God was with me every word of the way.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my brothers and sisters around the world, the victims of childhood abuse, who, like me, have carried the burden of abuse.

To BG (Big Grasshopper), you know who you are. This book is also dedicated to you. It was you who provoked intense emotions in me. It is out of these emotions that this book was conceived.

To my children, Matthew and Laura: this is the legacy I leave you and your children.

There is cause for rejoicing here. You may for a time have to suffer the distress of many trials; but this is so that your faith, which is more precious than the passing splendor of fire tried gold, may by its genuineness lead to praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ appears. Although you have never seen him, you love him, and without seeing you believe in him, and rejoice with inexpressible joy touched with glory because you are achieving faith’s goal, your salvation.

—1 Peter 1:3-9

Chapter One

The phone rang. I knew it would be Bob. He was my only connection with the outside world ever since the children were born. We had moved to this suburb of Pittsburgh four years earlier. Beyond my in-laws, the only people I knew in this town were a few neighbors, and I did not know them well. This life was in direct contrast to my single days where my work and social life kept me very active outside the home, interacting with many people.

I knew it would be Bob calling. What I did not know was that this phone call would bring forth life changing circumstances for me.

Hello, I said after picking up the phone.

Hi, Hon, Bob said, as he always addressed me. Hon was short for Honey. Bob called to tell me his credits from Franklin University, where he originally attended school, would not be accepted at the University of Pittsburgh, where he was currently taking evening classes.

What does this mean? I asked.

It means it would take me six years to finish school here. If I finish school in Ohio at Franklin University where all my credits are, I could graduate in eighteen months!

I still did not understand. You are not thinking of commuting out of state one night a week for school!

Laura, two and a half years, was pulling out all my cookie sheets and cake pans. Matthew, five years old, was tugging on me, asking for more apple juice. As I tried to listen to Bob, I looked in the living room of our small home. It was cluttered with toys; dolls, cars, and blocks were scattered everywhere. Laura’s diaper needed changed, too.

No, no, of course not, Bob went on. We would have to move.

Move!?!

There I sat on the front steps of what was my home. As the moving van pulled away, I felt the tears well up and, exhausted, I began to cry. Of course I cried, I was the most emotional person I knew; or anyone I knew, knew!

On moving day you wear yourself out and your little heart out, too. This was the day Matthew watched his little buddy, his neighborhood playmate, climb onto the school bus for his first day of Kindergarten without him. He wanted to be on that bus.

He wanted it to be his first day of school and his first school bus ride with his friend.

Matthew and I stood at that bus stop and cried right along with his little friend’s mother. I understood that she cried because her baby was growing up. Matthew and I cried for our own reason. Moving was difficult. I held him close, trying to comfort him.

Later, Laura came crying into the room I was cleaning.

Mommy, look what that man did! Laura said with her best toddler speech. He took my crib down. She had taken me back to her room and pointed to the parts of the crib spread all over the room. Laura was nearly three now; it was time to take her out of the crib. Now her safety net was scattered about the room! I felt so bad for her. I embraced her and looked into her eyes and I talked to her. Still, the trauma of moving had her stuttering for weeks after we were settled.

So I sat on the front steps, watching the moving van pull away. All our worldly goods were carefully tucked inside. I watched until the van drove out of sight. With it went the most recent chapter of my life. It was such an empty feeling, for the moment no place to call home.

As I sat there I wondered what was ahead for us as a family, for me as an individual. I should be happy, I thought, wiping the tears off my face. I am moving back to my home town. There were some problems in my family. I had actually been glad when we left Columbus and moved out here to Pittsburgh.

This was the kind of family that was easier to love from far away, I used to say to my closest friends.

On the drive out to Columbus, Ohio, I found myself saying to Bob, I know we are going back for a reason. I don’t know what the reason is, but we are being sent back. This is not about you getting your degree. Your school is the vehicle to get us back there. We are going back for a specific reason. I don’t know what the reason is, it will be revealed to us. I can feel it.

I never thought of myself as psychic, but I certainly had a sense of things on occasion. This was one of those times. Before I met Bob I had the same kind of experience. At twenty-nine years of age, I was single and desperately lonely. I wanted children with everything in me. I felt so terribly disconnected! I did not belong to anyone and no one belonged to me.

I dated plenty of men. These were men who did not want what I wanted out of life. What I wanted was a good, moral life that included children and hard work with all the gratification that comes from it, a basic dedication to family.

The men I happened to get involved with were men of our age, looking for instant gratification, shamelessly looking solely for self-satisfaction. These men were not capable of meeting my needs.

So on this particular day, I was driving to work. I was a manager of a lingerie store at the time. As I drove down the road I said out loud and with conviction, I know he is looking for me! I was speaking to the souls of my two children. I was speaking of their father. This man was going to be different from the others.

I went on to say, All right kids, I know you are out there, two souls waiting to come into this world through me. I know your father is looking for me. He won’t rest until he finds me. He is going to find me and we will all be together soon. I know it’s going to happen. I can feel it! It was only weeks after that experience that I met Bob. He was different from the rest, and he was looking for me.

It would be quite some time before Bob would share this story with me, that on the exact day we met, in the morning before we were introduced, Bob had prayed in the shower, asking God to bring the right woman into his life whom he would marry and have children with. He told me of the brokenness he felt as he prayed. Not only did he pray, but also he cried, bathing in his own tears as he asked the Lord for this.

The father of my children was restlessly searching for me. Those two souls I spoke to did come into this world though me, we were together soon after that. And so it was, it all happened just as I had felt it would. In the same way, I felt this: we were going back for a reason!

We arrived in Columbus, Ohio on September 1, 1993. My parents were very glad to see us and opened their home to the family. We stayed there the first night. Our furniture would arrive at our place the next morning.

It was in many ways good to be back. I was looking forward to being in a town where I knew my way around. I knew where all the best shopping was. Back in my retail days, I had worked in many of the malls in town. I knew where the parks were for the children to play.

On one occasion, Mom and I walked with the children to the park that I played at as a child. Dad surprised us by showing up with burgers and fries. That was a special time. Still, with all this feeling so right, there was uneasiness within me where my parents were concerned.

The morning after we arrived in Columbus we were over at the townhouse we had rented. We would be there until the house was built! We were very excited about the house we were building. We were able to get into a model home to see what our house would look like.

The moment I set foot in the foyer I knew I was home! With my back to the door, I stood motionless as my eyes began to tour the house ahead of me. The house had the highest ceilings I had ever seen. This gave the house grandeur. I held on to the sturdy oak banister in front of me and removed my shoes. There on the right was a perfect pristine dining room. I began to move forward through a long hallway that led into a great room, passing the kitchen on the right just behind the dining room. I did not know where to look first. My heart raced as I absorbed the beauty of this home.

The great room had vaulted ceilings, a walk out bay window, and ours would have a masonry red brick fireplace. I loved red brick. We planned to put upgraded flooring in the kitchen, a red brick to match the fireplace. The kitchen was unique and wonderful. There was a study. It would be perfect; Bob would need a place to study.

I made way for the stairs, wondering what surprises might be tucked away up there. From the hall upstairs I could see into the grand great room. I always felt this made a house look like a show place when designed this way. The master bedroom suite had double doors leading into it. We loved that. The doors throughout the house would be six panel pine doors. All the wood surfaces throughout the house were going to be a warm medium toned stain.

It was a two story house with three bedrooms. The square footage was not real big. That was fine with us just having two children. We did not need a home that was too big. We wanted to have the freedom to invest in upgrades. For us, where the house was concerned, it was not the size of it, but what you did with it that counted! I love home decorating and this house was going to be a real pleasure to decorate. This house was going to be beautiful.

How I carried on to Bob after I had seen the model home. I danced around the room like a school girl who had just been asked to the prom.

Oh Bob! I exclaimed breathlessly. I felt myself glowing now. If you build this house for me, I will be your LOVE SLAVE FOREVER!

His eyes twinkled with devilish delight and we laughed and kissed.

Promise? Bob requested.

Promise, I vowed. We had so much to look forward to!

Now I knew the girls of the feminist movement would surely have a hissy if word got out I had said this, but I did not care. It was once said of me: She does exactly what she wants to do and what she hasn’t thought to do couldn’t possibly be worth doing!