Blooming Again: Weathering Personal Storms and Growing Resilient Families

By Dr. Darlene Powell Garlington

Sometimes hopes, goals and dreams get lost in a mire of anxiety and
depression after a traumatic experience. Now, thanks to groundbreaking Blooming Again, you can strengthen your resiliency and thrive again. Renowned psychologist Darlene Powell Garlington explores the challenges everyone faces in life that lead to feelings of devastation and how to move beyond them. Using provocative self-inventories, her own personal trauma and her private practice experience, Dr. Darlene takes you through the process of building individual, family and community resiliency.
Written with sensitivity and practicality, Blooming Again addresses the mind, body and spirit interconnectedness and uses an integrative health approach that challenges the reader to explore the sometimes tough, sometimes unspoken questions of the meaning of life during times of pain and suffering. Proven principles, skills and techniques will help you recover, heal and thrive after a crisis through everyday interactions that help you express positive feelings, communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts and rely on God.
You will be inspired and motivated to find and fulfill the lesson and purpose for your experience by gaining insight, awareness and understanding, which lead to the courage and self-knowledge it takes to move beyond pain, rebuild a loving family and establish a new normal filled with peace and joy again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 2, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456742119

Dr. Darlene Powell Garlington

Darlene Powell Garlington, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified school psychologist and media psychologist who specializes in providing services to military families. She is a renowned author of eight books published by Simon & Schuster, William Morrow, John Wiley and self-published, on a range of topics including parenting, family dynamics, multiculturalism, psychology and spirituality, co-parenting, male-female relationships and diversity. She holds a master’s degree in applied behavioral psychology from Adelphi University and a second master’s degree and a Ph.D. in clinical school psychology from Hofstra University. She is currently a senior policy analyst at Altarum Institute, consulting with the Department of Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury. She has been an associate professor at Hampton University in Hampton, Va., and an adjunct professor at Wesleyan University in Middletown, Conn. She has been in private practice for more than 20 years, treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, vicarious PTSD, depression, suicidality and anxiety disorders. She is a recognized expert in the reintegration of military personnel back into the family. In addition, she consults for universities, Fortune 500 companies, community action agencies, hospitals, schools, and child guidance clinics. To contact Dr. Garlington visit www.DrDarleneandAssociates.com.

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© 2011 Dr. Darlene Powell Garlington. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 5/18/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-4211-9 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-4212-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-4213-3 (sc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011902513

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Th inkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. Th e views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily refl ect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

PREFACE

INTRODUCTION

1

WEEDING CLEARS THE MIND

2

NUTRIENTS BUILD AND SUSTAIN THE BODY

3

SUNLIGHT FEEDS THE SPIRIT

4

FERTILE SOIL ENRICHES MARRIAGES

5

STRONG ROOTS BUILD RESILIENT FAMILIES

OUR FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM

6

CULTIVATING A WORK ETHIC

7

TOILING IN THE VILLAGE LEADS TO ABUNDANCE

DEDICATION

THIS BOOK IS

DEDICATED TO MY MOTHER, LEANNA DORIS POWELL, AND IS A TRIBUTE TO MY HUSBAND,

DR. ERNEST C. GARLINGTON

IT WAS INSPIRED BY MY CHILDREN,

DOTTEANNA KARYN GARLINGTON

AND DEREK JAY GARLINGTON

WE ARE ALL RESILIENT BECAUSE OF THE LOVE AND GUIDANCE OF MY FATHER, ROBERT LEE POWELL SR.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, OUR HEAVENLY FATHER THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SHOWING US HOW TO BLOOM AGAIN

IN MEMORY OF

THE REV. JANET WILLIAMS GUEST, M.D.

missing image file

Her legacy is an example to all women of how to persevere through adversity with dignity and grace, and how to strengthen resiliency without bitterness or losing faith. I’m thankful for her supreme examples of just that. As the lessons she instilled in me for weathering personal storms and growing family resiliency will live on forever, so will her memory through those blessed enough to have been touched by her love.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Rarely does a book blossom from the single effort or idea of one person, and Blooming Again is no exception. It was truly a community effort, and there are many whom I wish to gratefully acknowledge for their assistance and contributions to this project.

Laura Marsala is an editor from heaven. I could not have completed this project without her. She is insightful, conscientious, caring, dedicated and brilliant. I am thankful that she is now my friend. My best friend, Maureen Canter, was extraordinary in providing feedback, researching topics and supporting the process. I am blessed to work with her at Dr. Darlene & Associates, and our friendship (since our college days thirty years ago) was further strengthened as a result. Everyone who read the draft and gave comments made significant contributions, especially Karyn Berkley (my bestest childhood friend from more than forty years ago), Pam Gwathney (my big sister for more than thirty years), Michele Brown (my god-sister by divine intervention and Ernie’s connection), attorney Don Bongiovi (my advocate and friend, who makes my best friend smile), the Rev. Melvin Boone (Pam’s son, my brother in Christ and dearest friend) and my brother- in-law, Larry Garlington. Husband and wife team, the Rev. Hanson Guest, attorney, and the late Rev. Dr. Janet Williams Guest offered insightful, detailed feedback and loving spiritual guidance, as they have on many issues over the past twenty years. My children, Dotteanna and Derek Garlington, challenged me to add more detail and to tell my story with truth and boldness. They never cease to amaze me with their loving encouragement, faith, strength and wisdom.

My husband, Dr. Ernest Garlington, had comments for practically every page and always challenges me to raise the bar. He is my hero, my rock, my strong oak tree and the man whom God destined for me.

Most of all, I thank God for showing us that if we trust in Him with all of our heart, and lean not on our own understanding but acknowledge Him in all ways, He will guide our path.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV)

I was divinely guided while writing this book and often awed by the ideas, passion, drive and strength that He gave me. All things, even the adversity, are working for good because of our love for Him and His love for us! We have been made strong and resilient because of Him.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28 (KJV)

And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. — 2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)

PREFACE

My name is Dr. Darlene Powell Garlington, and I am a licensed clinical psychologist. Like everyone else, I have endured difficult times in my private life, but I was sorely tested when I went through a very traumatic — and public — experience that threatened to destroy my family. Although I share parts of this very personal story throughout the book to demonstrate how my family’s resiliency was tested and strengthened through this very challenging time, this book is really about building your own resiliency to carry you and your family through whatever crises life brings to your doorstep. I’ll begin with my own family’s story to gain your trust that each lesson and technique offered in the following chapters has been used by someone who has really been there, and that I DO know what you are up against. This history will also provide you with background regarding my experience in the field and its connection to my personal life.

Let me go back a few years and describe our family life at the time our crisis struck. My husband, Dr. Ernest (Ernie) Garlington, my children from a previous marriage and I had it all — the big house on the hill, the luxury cars, private schools for the kids, jewelry, mink coats, exotic vacations. We lived on a mountain road in a four-level, 5,000-square-foot house with a four- car garage. The house was situated on three acres surrounded by tall trees and 600 feet of stone walls, flowing brooks, a 40-foot rock garden, 15-foot fountain, decks and a courtyard for relaxing, a hot tub and full-size tennis and basketball courts in the backyard. My husband, who had grown up poor in the inner city, designed all this splendor. Our mountain retreat was peaceful and serene outside and in. The house featured a 30-foot ceiling in the foyer, rooms with marble and African cherry wood floors, a floor-to-ceiling bookcase with hundreds of books, glass French doors, a full workout gym with state-of-the-art equipment, Jacuzzi tubs, walk-in closets, glass ceilings, fireplaces, including a two-sided stone one, a huge marble one with pillars and one in our bedroom.

The children grew up having an indoor basketball court and a gymnastics room with regulation beam and bars, and years of private tutors and lessons in tennis, piano and gymnastics. My son Derek (DJ) had huge birthday celebrations featuring ponies, professional entertainment, go-karts, laser tag and pool parties. We were excessive in giving my daughter, Dotteanna (Dotti), an S type Jaguar automobile for her sixteenth birthday at a huge party featuring the top radio station disc jockey in the area. Friends teased that we should have been on MTV’s Cribs or My Super Sweet Sixteen.

We aren’t professional athletes or entertainers. Instead, we made good investments, worked hard and Ernie often worked two jobs. He also has a gift and vision for being creative and finding ways to cut costs. One of his innovations was harvesting the stone from our backyard to build the walls that lined our property. He designed the structures and hired laborers to follow his master plan. Ernie also designed the extraordinary features in our home with drama, style and flair. He was determined to provide the good life for his family.

We appreciated it, but what we loved most of all was Ernie. Once Dotti asked him to sign a contract that he wouldn’t start any more projects because she wanted him to take us on a camping trip. Ernie signed the contract and took us camping. My husband is strong, nurturing, protective, fun loving and God fearing. Yes, we had it all: financial security, a comfortable lifestyle, social status, warm and loving family relationships, a rich and rewarding faith and plenty of friends.

Then we lost everything — or so it seemed at first — when Ernie, my rock and the solid oak of our family, was accused of and subsequently incarcerated unjustly for an alleged crime of conspiracy to commit murder against my ex-husband, Derek Hopson, which led to a thirty-three-year sentence for conspiracy. The chain of events leading to the arrest were questionable — the entire case was based on testimony from a five-time convicted felon who was offered time off from an existing sentence for his testimony. This man disclosed that he was harassed and threatened by detectives. For further details, and to read and hear the judge’s statements in the transcript, see www.fightforAmericanJustice.com. Our attorneys have filed motions regarding the appearance of impropriety regarding the judge, which are in official court documents. The judge said things like, My wife needs to shake the money tree ... we have a wedding to pay for ... . The judge’s wife was the exclusive realtor for a house that was listed for $8.7 million and Hopson’s new son-in-law, Celtics basketball player Ray Allen, had looked at the house. The judge also noted in court that Ray Allen was a celebrity who looked at the house. We are still fighting for Ernie’s freedom.

Although my children are from my marriage to Hopson, and they loved him, Dotti and DJ also consider Ernie their dad and are very bonded to him, so naturally they were devastated by his conviction. It was a very public trial and extremely humiliating; being scrutinized and judged was very disheartening for me. After all, I am a strong public advocate for family relationships, which is a huge part of my practice, and touted as an expert in my profession. I just wanted to hide and die.

I had written several books on family life, parenting and male-female relationships, but let me share how my book-writing career really took off with a major opportunity that I invited Hopson, to whom I was married at the time, to be a part of. Hopson and I had met at a professional psychology convention. My attraction to him was based on our mutual interest in the profession, and our best dates were spent discussing theories and reading journal articles. This interest continued into our marriage, which was heavily built on our professional work together.

The phone rang in the summer of 1987 and it was Barbara Lowenstein, a book agent from New York. She had read about my presentation at the

American Psychological Association, which appeared on the front page of the New York Times. At the time, I was working as a psychologist at a psychiatric facility for youth treating primarily white families. This work was very rewarding, and I was fulfilled by making a difference in people’s lives. My practice and work has included seeing patients from various racial backgrounds. However, the presentation was based on my dissertation research on racial identity development and self-esteem in African American children. Barbara presented a book idea based on my dissertation. She helped shape the book and my career. I insisted on including Hopson because he was also a psychologist and I believed in a team approach. Barbara had reservations but finally agreed. My first book, Different and Wonderful: Raising Black Children in a Race-Conscious Society, received accolades from Beverly Caffee Glenn, dean of Howard University School of Education, and Evelyn Chisolm, associate professor of education and psychology at Spelman College. I was humbled and honored.

My research on children’s racial attitudes and doll color preferences received national recognition in hundreds of newspapers and magazines including the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, Cosmopolitan, Ebony, Parenting, Child, Jet and Essence. This research also led to consulting work with Mattel Toys, Nickelodeon and Disney. I have been an advice columnist for Today’s Black Woman Magazine since its inception.

Hopson and I were successful friends and business partners. I wrote several other books for which he was second author. I wanted the marriage to work, especially since there were two beautiful children involved, but there were problems in our relationship that overshadowed the possibility for its success. It confused me that his mannerisms and treatment toward me did not match my understanding of a normal husband/wife dynamic. However, I stuck to my commitment. Beautiful children and a successful business partnership made me feel trapped. Since I was a little girl I had wanted a loving marriage and family. My parents have been married 55 years and their marriage has been my ideal role model. My vision was to marry, work hard, have children and be together until death us do part, and I was embarrassed to admit that my marriage was a sham.

At the height of my career, I was doing national book tours with lines of people waiting for me to sign a book or answer a question. Celebrities were flying in from other states for a consultation or therapeutic intervention. The Congressional Black Caucus contacted my speaker’s bureau. Scholars such as Dr. Alvin Poussaint from Harvard and Dr. James Comer from Yale were mentors and role models in the work that I was doing. Faith Middle- ton, host of the long-running and popular Faith Middleton Show, interviewed me on Connecticut Public Radio. Actors Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis, Daphne Maxwell Reid and Tim Reid were the true models of a book Hop- son and I co-wrote on soul mate relationships, Friends, Lovers and Soul Mates, and they believed in and supported our work. Dr. Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant was the psychologist I hoped to be. She frequently called me with referrals and workshop opportunities. Dr. Nancy Boyd Franklin set the model for counseling African American families and influenced me. Bob Johnson, the founder of Black Entertainment Television, was very supportive of my career and provided the opportunity for us to be columnists in BET’s magazine, Young Sisters and Brothers. It was a positive, uplifting magazine for youth and demonstrated the socially responsible aspect of the network. When I met Bill Cosby at a private school in Hamden, Conn., with Dr. James Comer, I was inspired to focus on African American children’s academic success because of their commitment to education and closing the achievement gap.

All of the national talk shows were calling for interviews. Some I even foolishly turned down. When The Oprah Show asked me to appear with renowned child expert Penelope Leach, I declined. I was eight and one-half months pregnant with my son, and honestly nobody knew until now, but I was afraid to fly, afraid for my unborn child and intimidated by the process of even getting on a plane.

A few years earlier, Gayle King hosted me on her news show and we became friendly; our children played together often, but we eventually drifted apart. I became very negative when I misunderstood Gayle and Oprah’s interest in doing a show about the disruption of my process to adopt a child whom I fostered for a few months. Gayle’s husband at the time was to be the child’s godfather. The adoption was disrupted when the biological grandparents came forward and there were complications with the birth parents. I had no interest in doing a show about it and misperceived it as exploitation.

The shows on which I did appear — Good Morning America, The Today Show and 20/20 — were exciting, rewarding and provided the most opportunity for expert input. I was also a guest on Geraldo Rivera’s show with Tavis Smiley and we had quite an intense and powerful discussion on race relations with Shawn Hannity. Geraldo invited us to appear a few other times and was always supportive and gracious. Tavis stayed in touch, but we never really followed up on projects we discussed. Some of my favorite people to work with were Michael and Marcia Dyson. Our bond of friendship and support continued even after my divorce. They both have visited Ernie and me at our home. Susan Taylor from Essence magazine invited me to be on a panel with Marcia and Iyanla Vanzant for an article. Susan’s warmth and wisdom continues to affect me. I’ll never forget how she encouraged people to do something physical daily for exercise, even if you just ran in place. Iyanla was so real and genuine that when someone asked for her autograph, she focused on his or her power instead of her own.

Renowned journalist, TV producer and best-selling author Tony Brown shared great wisdom and advice with us on the importance of good background and research. I deeply respected that. I am awed and eternally grateful that he is now a mentor for my son, who is a student in Tony’s journalism program. Television hosts John Walsh, Montel Williams and Judge Hatchett helped shape my concept of being a media psychologist, each giving me their unique positions. John and I co-hosted shows together. I absolutely adored his style and balance of strength and sensitivity. We complemented each other well and enjoyed interacting. Montel had a way of calling you Doc as the expert and mentoring you at the same time. Judge Hatchett spoke to me as if I were her sister to whom she was giving an assignment. It was clear, loving and firm. Doing interventions for her guests was powerful.

Early on, shows such as Ricki Lake and BET’s youth programs helped me hone my skills in working with a younger audience. Other people and particular show formats all had an effect on how I’ve developed in my career, and the rewards from contact with all these wonderful people are life long.

One of my more recent guest appearances was with Diane Sawyer discussing Chris Rock’s perception of raising African American children, especially males. I had been on previous shows with Charles Gibson, and it was always enlightening. Having lunch with Charlie and riding the elevator with Diane and Charlie helped me to see what real and genuine people they are as we engaged in normal, everyday conversations about my children, the weather and current events. It was rewarding and had a great influence on my style as a media psychologist.

In addition to media appearances, Hopson and I were asked to conduct marriage retreats for many wonderful charities and phenomenal ministers, especially Christian leaders whom I honor and respect immensely, such as the Revs. Floyd H. and Elaine M. Flake of the Greater Allen African Methodist Episcopal Cathedral of New