The Letting Go

By Sasha Frost

The Letting Go presents a journey through one courageous womans life as she deals with childhood trauma, neglect, and child abuse. Eventually, author Sasha Frost learned to overcome her demons and deal with her rage and her suicidal and homicidal thoughts. As flashbacks of her childhood pushed her to the brink, she realized that she had to make peace with the trauma of the past to have a productive future. As she grew into a young woman dealing with the demands of being a single parent, homelessness, and her sexual identity, she learned that the best way to conquer and alleviate her fearsto be able to forgiveis by letting go.

Frosts life seemed as normal as anyones; she lived with her mother, father, and siblings. She had good times with her family, but that life also sheltered such destructive forces as childhood trauma and neglect. Child abuse takes many forms; it may be emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Even so, the outcome is the samethe child misses the unconditional love that our lives depend upon. Her spirituality helped her to make it through the toughest of times, but she was also able to make peace with those who abused her, thus enabling her to move ahead with her life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Apr 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781426963117

Sasha Frost

Sasha Frost lives in Kansas City, Missouri, with her wife and daughter. It took her ten years to write her autobiography. She enjoys movies, reading, computers, writing, and spending time with her family and her pets, three dogs and two cats. Have traveled to countries such as canada and mexico, and all along the eastern and western seaboards of the United States.

Book preview

Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter

One

The sun beats down warmly on her golden blonde locks as she peddles furiously a look of determination on her face. She has a moment to think ohhh nooo! as she comes upon the treacherous corner that has been her nemesis since they have moved here. She finds herself spilling over and out of her big wheel because as usual she had taken that corner a little to fast. She grimaces for a moment, as she inspects the newest addition of scrapes on her knee. Rubbing the dirt and blood off with her hand she makes her way to the big wheel which is now lying on its side. One of the neighbors yell at her asking if she is alright, and smiling her waves showing that she was indeed. Picking up her bike (which it was to her and any other self-respecting 7 year old) she starts to make her way thru the winding sidewalks of the apartment complex. The apartment complex was six stories and its apartments ranged from 1 to 3 bedrooms and each had their own balcony which Sasha enjoyed because she would sometimes sit outside with her friend Gavin and spit over the edge and see whose hit first. Her mother would probably have a fit over such lewd behavior but for her and her friend it was one of many games they would play when they were bored. One of their favorites though was jumping up and down on the sensor to activate the drive-thru voice box at McDonalds, ordering a bunch of food and then running away laughing. Gavin had taught her this trick for he was 3 years her senior and he didn’t let her forget it either. He usually decided what they played, but she didn’t really mind though because he was cool. He taught her how to break-dance after all, so as far as she was concerned his word was golden. Just then her stomach started growling so she made her way to the back of her apartment and parked her bike. Hopping off she ran to the elevators to go see what she could get to eat from her mom. As she came into the apartment she saw that Shannon was parked in front of the TV watching Sesame Street and her mom was in the kitchen. Her mother (Marrisa) was a brunette with green eyes and a big woman at 5ft 8in. Some would refer to her as good country stock. Mom! I’m hungry. she announces from the front door. Well, why don’t you make yourself a peanut butter sandwich. her mother replied. So she made her way into the kitchen and grabbed the peanut butter out of the cupboard, and the bread off the counter. Where is the sugar? You don’t need any sugar and besides it’s going to be dinner time soon. So begrudgingly Sasha made her sandwich, but everyone knows that it’s better with sugar on top. She turned then to go into the living room to watch TV with Shannon when she nearly plowed her youngest sister Alyssia over. Alyssia tries to hand her the now empty bottle which she was carrying to Sasha her hazel eyes peering up at her expectantly. Sasha tousles her brown hair and tells her, Give that to mommy. Alyssia who is just turned two, toddles then over to her mother and grabs onto her pant leg jabbering Baaa baaa Sasha then goes into Shannon who is 4 and sits down next to her to watch the program and wait for dinner. Shannon has light blue eyes and curly brown hair to point of frizz ness sometimes, and her face is splashed with freckles. Their father Daryl would tease her and say the she had landed in a cow patty, which sometimes Sasha thought Shannon probably didn’t like too much. She was very thin and petite with pasty white skin where Alyssia was very stocky and could get almost bronze in the summer time like their dad. Sasha fell right in between them with a slender build being tall for her age. And she wasn’t pasty white, but she didn’t turn bronze either, she just got a tan during the summer. Just then their dad came in the front door from work and went into the kitchen to talk with their mom. Her dad wasn’t particularly a big man and he also had dark hair with light blue eyes. He was a very mild mannered man that was polite sometimes almost to a fault. She overheard her father complaining that his chest hurt, and her mother telling him to go into the bedroom and lie down for awhile. Sasha didn’t know this but her father had congestive heart failure from which he already had one heart attack and open heart surgery when she was four, her and her little sister had to stay with Mike and Donna, good friends of her mother’s, while he was in the hospital. What Sasha did know is that sometimes her father complained about his chest hurting and being tired and that everyone in her family would say that she and her sisters needed to be good and mind their parents because her dad didn’t feel well. Sometimes she wondered what would happen if she was bad. Would that mean that he would have to go to the doctor? Or worse yet could that mean that he might die? She didn’t know too much about death except for the time she had found a dead bird that she had picked up much to her mother’s horror and disapproval. Of course when her mother yelled at her to put it down and to wash her hands she didn’t argue because she didn’t like the way the bird felt, all stiff and hard and it’s eyes were so hollow like it was never a bird at all, just a suit of a bird and nothing inside, nothing at all and it gave her nightmares for a while. Of course she didn’t tell anyone because she knew her mom would probably tell her that’s what she gets, and her friends would have made fun of her because that’s what happens when you wimp out as Brian would say, so she kept it to herself and eventually they stopped. She watched as her father made his way down the hall to the bedroom and disappointment washed over her as she realized that this probably meant that she wouldn’t get to visit with her cousin Susie. Susie was a beautiful 15 year old girl who was as her Aunt Suzanne was known to say will someday be a model. Sasha didn’t know about that all she knew is that even with their age difference Susie treated her as if it didn’t matter and had taught her how to do cartwheels and to stand on your head and what you should and shouldn’t know about boys. So that made her a favorite cousin of Sasha’s. She relaxed though when she heard her mother say that it was time to eat and that when dinner was done. They were going to visit Aunt Suzanne and Uncle Robert.

Arriving home after their visit with Aunt Suzanne their mother informed them that it was late and they needed to get ready for bed. Sasha attempted to whine about the matter, but she could tell by the look on her mother’s face that she wasn’t going to get very far. She changed into her pj’s and hopped into her bed, her sister following suit right behind her and before she knew it she was asleep. Sasha rolled over onto her back when she heard the door to her bedroom creak open. She watched quietly as the silhouette of a man stood silently in the doorway. He stood there for what seemed forever to her as she started her mantra of it’s only a dream, it’s only a dream. She stared up at the ceiling her eyes full of terror, as he approached her and sat down. On the bed next to her, whispering softly, running his fingers thru her hair she tried not to scream for the bad man had a familiar face and she didn’t, couldn’t see that…… anything but that, so she shutdown. Staring at the ceiling trying to pretend she wasn’t there as he slid his fingers under here pj’s massaging her chest and then kissing her cheeks and her mouth. Slowly working his hand downward telling her that everything was going to be okay and that he loved her so much, she gasped. She ignored all of it for she was no longer there as her eyes became glassy and her body limps and her breathing became shallow. Until she was so far gone that she didn’t realize even when he had left her, it was almost like sleeping and she told herself that it was just a bad dream.

And then it was……. There were so many vampires trying to get her and all the other children in what seemed to be a deserted town. Sasha tried to save as many kids as she could even when the vampires would surround her she still fought valiantly. No matter what they did to her she never gave up. It wasn’t until they had surrounded her and she saw that Shannon her little sister hissing and coming at her with her deadly teeth did Sasha wake up with a start. As the sunlight poured in from the window she stretched and yawned relieved to see that Shannon was very much alive and well in the bed next to hers. Later she will begin to realize that it was just a dream while she is dreaming and that knowledge will give her a sense of immortality and she will fight no matter what these bloodsuckers do to her. But for now she was just happy enough to know that it was a nightmare and she, and her little sister had survived. She climbed out of her bed and retrieved some clothes out of the dresser as she quickly got dressed and then went into the bathroom to brush her teeth the nightmare becoming a fog and distant in her mind. As far as the bad man experience there was no memory at all. She had completely wiped that memory clean from her brain. She giggled to herself when she heard Gavin’s voice from the living room asking her mom if Sasha could come out to play. She was excited because today was Saturday. The big day of the dance off and she and Gavin had been practicing their moves for a couple of weeks which to Sasha felt like forever. The dance off consisted of most of the kids in the complex and a few of the older ones from across the highway. Can I come? Shannon asked Sasha. No. You’re too little her sister replied as she ran a comb thru her hair. Am not. Shannon huffed. Sasha doing her best to ignore her sister’s now stoic gaze, planned on complaining to her mom about Shannon not being allowed to go. Her young mind was already scrambling for excuses as to why Shannon couldn’t go. She ran down the hallway and said hello to Gavin grabbing up her shoes hoping that if she moved fast enough she could leave without having to have Shannon in tow and say anything to her mother. She glanced up from tying her shoes when she saw Shannon making her way to their mother in the kitchen. Glaring at Shannon giving her best older sister if you try to stop me I’ll hurt you look, she yelled at her mother that she was getting ready to leave. Shannon hung her head looking hurt which for a moment made Sasha feel guilty but only for a moment because before she knew it her and Gavin was heading downstairs excitement nipping at their heels. When they made their way around the apartment complex heading directly to the corner they were greeted with the sight of 15 other children ranging from the age of 5 to 13 already dancing to the beat of the boom box that one of the older kids had settled on his shoulder. Sasha was a little disappointed that she and Gavin were not important enough to wait for, because after all they were a part of the group that had thought of this idea in the first place. Gavin not to be outdone immediately jumped down and went into the caterpillar while Sasha stuck with the robot. She couldn’t do any of the moves Gavin taught her no matter how hard she tried; he could do the spinning on your head and your back and the caterpillar and the robot. Although she could do a better moon walk then him she still couldn’t do any thing other than the robot. So she was tossed out of the competition fairly quickly, but Gavin made it 3rd place which in her book brought glory to her and all the kids they hung out with because Gavin was a part of their group. And before they knew it was already noon and she could hear her mother calling her name to come inside and get something to eat. Sasha Nichole gets your hide inside right now or you are not going to get to play anymore today! Her mother was serious and Sasha knew it because when she called Sasha and used her middle name that meant she wasn’t kidding around, and if she called Sasha Nichole Frost, well that meant her ass was grass. So Gavin and she made their way upstairs to see what was on the menu as they joked about some of the dancers at the corner and as they also congratulated their selves over how well Gavin had preformed. Hey do you think that when we go back outside you could pick up some candy from the Wards for me? Sasha knew what he meant by the Wards was Montgomery Wards a store nearby across the parking lot of the apartment complex… and what he meant by picking up some candy for him was stealing. And she got that familiar knot in her stomach a strange mix of excitement, nervousness, guilt and fear, but mainly excitement. She said sure so they hurriedly ate the food that her mother had prepared for her. As they made their way back to their circle of friends Sasha saw someone there that she didn’t recognize and right off the bat she knew she didn’t like him. He came over to her with an air of arrogance about him and like he had known her all his life. So Gavin here tells me you’re the one that goes and gets the candy … that true? She didn’t say anything just looked down at the ground and she heard Gavin say yes in her defense. Well your going to get me something or I’m going to tell your dad. Hear me? The no she was getting ready to blurt out died on her lips however when she heard the last part of his sentence… going to tell her dad… nobody had ever threatened her like that before she knew right off that she didn’t like this boy and now she was certain. I said did you hear me? He snarls at her, she shakes her head yes and then listens to what he wants her to take from the grocery store.

As she crosses the parking lot the butterflies in her stomach shoots straight up into her throat as she makes out the man that is making a bee-line towards her is none other than her dad. Sasha? What do you have there? he asks her calmly which Sasha took as a good sign maybe she could get out of this trouble after all. Quickly she tells him the first thing that comes to mind. These cupcakes mom told me I could go ahead and take home. and silently she congratulated herself for being so slick for remembering that her mother was grocery shopping and to use that bit of information now to get herself out of trouble. However she was stopped short by her father’s next words…. Really, well how about we wait and see what your mother says about that when she gets home. Okay? She could see the tight anger in her father by the taught ness of his jaw and his blue eyes looked like flints of steel ready to ignite at anytime. And she knew then that she was going to get into big trouble this time and nothing was going to save her. She hoped that if it was a spanking which it would probably would be more by judging by the look on her father’s face she hoped he would give her a choice belt, switch, or his hand. And believe me; you would take anything, a brick even, over his hand. Remember the cartoons when someone would get the paddle and their heads would go out like doing; well that was her father’s hand. A couple of swats and you couldn’t sit for a week and you would get bruises. Yeah she hoped she would get a choice but her hope was sinking like a ship lost at sea the more she realized how angry her father was. You could gage her father’s anger by how quiet and calm he was and right now he was