Incarcerated but Free: How to Find Freedom from Your Mental Prison

By Monique Pettaway-Ray

Six months after newlywed Monique Pettaway-Ray landed her first teaching job as an eighth-grade science instructor in Huntsville, Alabama, her world suddenly imploded. Her husband was convicted for murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. A vital part of her life was ripped from herand Monique didnt know how to cope.

Deeply honest and heartfelt, Incarcerated but Free shares how Monique broke the bars of her mental prison, forged an incredible faith in the Lord, and embarked on a path to help families of incarcerated individuals find hope and healing. Monique explores the doubts, fears, and perplexities that often accompany those who have a loved one in prison, and shares the coping strategies she developed to combat each challenge.

Monique uses biblical passages to emphasize the important role God played in her journey, and includes questions for meditation and reflection at the end of each section. From overcoming shame to dealing with anger and frustration, Moniques helpful, compassionate voice offers encouragement for those suffering from their own form of incarceration.

A unique blend of memoir and self-help, Incarcerated but Free offers faith-filled inspiration to bring light to your darkest days.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 23, 2011
• ISBN: 9781462027378

Monique Pettaway-Ray

Monique Pettaway-Ray served nine years in the US Army National Guard, earned a degree in secondary education from Alabama A & M University, and a master’s degree in educational administration from Troy State University. She is a Christian motivational speaker, teacher, and certified life coach. She currently lives in Alabama.

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Copyright © 2011 by

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The information, ideas, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Before following any suggestions contained in this book, you should consult your personal physician or mental health professional. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.

All scriptures quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New King James Version.

Copyright 2011 by Thomas Nelson Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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ISBN: 978-1-4620-2739-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-2738-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-2737-8 (eBook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011909732

iUniverse rev. date: 06/27/2011

Contents

How to Use This Book

Introduction

The Incarceration

Part I

Incarceration/Prison Defined

Losing Freedom

Losing Yourself

Losing Your Mind

Losing Confidence

Ashamed

Hiding, but not Hidden

Restrained

Part II

The Call

Blocked Vision—Obstruction or Hindrance

A Needed Help

Complacent

Journeys: The Story of Ruth

Anger

Being Guarded

Helplessness

Alone

Implode

Lost

Broken, Shattered, and in Pieces

Happy but Broken

Handling Desires

Trust

Living and not Learning

A Wandering Spirit

Renewal

Giving and Not Receiving

Loving Without Restraint

Being Whole All Over

Hurting That Heals

Letting Go but Letting God

Not Forgotten

Break the Vessel

Paralyzed

A New Outlook

Support Team

No Place

Accepting Change

Part III

Set Apart

Bear the Burden but Let it Go

Prison Doors are Open

Having What You Want

The Need for Nurturing

Being Free

Finding Your Gift—Purpose

Mini-Lessons for Gaining Freedom

Gaining Self

Becoming Free (Unbound)

Ending Your Sentence

Living Again

Walking in Purpose and Destiny—Strategy

Conclusion

Guide to Living with Freedom

Ruth Model

Thirty-Day Calendar of Scripture and Moving Forward

Week One—Rising Above Your Situation

Week Two—Walk Out Your Faith

Week Three—Receive the blessing

Week Four—Arrive at Your Destination

Notes

From the Writer

This book is dedicated to my Mom, Annie, and Dad, Samuel Pettaway, my two brothers, Romano and Brad, and my grandmother, Roosevelt Hughes. Also to my late grandparents Archie and Marie Pettaway and Elbert Hughes Sr. Thank you so much for being there when I needed you most. And to all my family members, thank you for being my family. A special thank you is due to my spiritual mother and father, Pastor Joseph and Linda Johnson.

How to Use This Book

I pray that this book will help you to obtain freedom from mental incarceration. The years I spent mentally incarcerated brought me to a closer relationship with Christ. That time also taught me that I was not alone and that other people are experiencing or have experienced some form of incarceration. My purpose is to help set those captives free. I have designed this book in chapters. Each chapter has, at the end, thought-provoking questions that will cause you to think and analyze your current state of mind.

I recommend that readers purchase a journal to be used through out this book. Using your journal, create a section for each chapter and use the journal to record your answers to the questions at the end. I would encourage you not to move to the next chapter until you have written out all your thoughts and responses to the questions at the end of the previous chapter. After all, Habakkuk 2:2 says, Write the vision and make it plain. (NJKV) God specifically tells us to write. Writing out your thoughts and plans will help you to see what you are doing and where you are going. At the end of this book are a few mini-lessons that are intended for you to use to meditate on for a week, and the last portion of this book describes the Ruth Model, a thirty-day break free guide for living your life of freedom. I am thankful that you have taken the opportunity to read this book. I pray it unlocks your life for you. Amen.

Introduction

When I was twenty-seven years old, I had just finished college and was ready for my life to begin. I was living in Huntsville, Alabama, when I got my first teaching job at a middle school. I would be teaching eighth-grade science—and boy, was I excited. Not only that, but right before school began, I got married. Six months later, everything changed. My new husband was wanted for murder. Try to imagine the heartache I felt and the pain I endured after just being married only six months. The funny thing about life is that we don’t know the day or the hour tragedy will strike our lives, nor do we know how the tragedy will affect us.

When I began this journey, I didn’t realize the impact it would have on my life or how it would affect me as an individual. The beginning, for me, was extremely tough. I found myself in a state of depression, which was not the norm for me. I was able to function but was miserable on the inside. I would look at the outside world and evaluate everything around me. I wanted answers. I wanted an explanation as to why my life had turned upside-down when I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was at this point in my life that God began to speak to me, through his word.

I began to create and develop a relationship with him; I began to chase after God. It was the chasing after God that led me to writing this book. I realized that everything that I had gone through was not for me but for others who were going through what I had experienced. Looking at the statistics, I saw that there are more men in prison now than ever before, and the number continues to rise. That means that there are more and more family members who are left on the outside to deal with the hurt, shame, and guilt of having a family member incarcerated. I realized that this was a topic that no one ever talks about. I realized that there were more people out there who didn’t have anyone to talk to, who felt as I had felt. I realized that there were other people out there who didn’t have the support that they needed. Where could they turn? They certainly could not talk to just anyone—it is almost like having a plague when you have a family member who is incarcerated. A person in that situation needs someone who understands and can sympathize with what he or she is going through. These people need a shoulder to lean on or even a source of help. But how are they supposed to get that help without knowing where to turn and without the resources or tools that can help? It isn’t likely that these people will have a casual conversation with someone and just come out and say, Oh, my son is in prison; what about yours?

Talking about a family member being incarcerated was hardly ever mentioned. In most cases, the family members are struggling and don’t know what to do or even how to cope with a loved one being gone. In most cases, women will support their loved ones—but only for a short time. Why? It becomes too difficult to handle. It becomes a struggle that is almost unbearable at times. It becomes a fight from the inside (internal), and no one on the outside understands the fight. Why? Because they aren’t going through what you are going through and they can’t sympathize.

When God gave me the title Incarcerated but Free, I was sitting in church. I began to break that title down to understand what he was saying to me. God was telling me that I was living my life, but I was living as if I was in prison simply because my loved one was in prison. The enemy (satan) made it so easy for me to become locked into my mindset, to believe that, the moment my husband went to prison, I went to prison with him. It took a few years for God to speak to me and help me realize that I was free. I just needed to realize that I was free. I knew that I was supposed to write this book because he placed this seed in me.

The only problem was I kept putting it off. I kept procrastinating until, finally, I made the decision to write the book. In writing this book, it is my desire to help every man, woman, and child who has ever had to deal with a loved one being physically or mentally incarcerated. I’ll talk to you later in this book about the difference between physical and mental incarceration—we all have experienced one or the other. When Jesus came to die on the cross, he said he came to set the captives free.

My desire is to follow the will of God and help as many people as possible realize the potential, gifts, talents, dreams, and destiny that God has placed in their lives. I further want to break the mental traps the enemy has set, causing people to believe that their lives are over, that it’s too late, and that they can’t start over.

I believe that we all have a desire to have a fairy-tale ending; however, as we get older, the fairy tale never seems to come, and oftentimes, we end up discouraged and feeling hopeless. My hope is to encourage, inspire, and help those who are in need of something to hold on to when life takes a drastic turn. I further hope to give readers ways to get through their own personal struggles and to let them know that God is there and will always be there in our times of struggle.

When struggles arise, we don’t take the time to realize how powerful and awesome God is. He can bring us through when we think we can’t make it ourselves. God can take you where he took me. The question is, are you ready? Are you willing to accept the assignment and be