Cocaine the Death of Dreams

By Charles Nolan Wolf

Shame

you left me to the nightmares of a dark room in an attic.
you left me to the shadows of a ghost I could not see.
you left me there to shiver and to crouch in silent places
when all the world I’d ever known had gone away from me.

you left me with a memory and the image of your face.
you left me with the fear of death that I could not erase.
you left me when I needed you when I was only three
when all the world I’d ever known had gone away from me.

you left me without warning without telling me good-bye.
you left me without saying that you loved me when I cried.
you left me in the shadows of a child I could not find
when all the world I’d ever known had left me far behind.

you left me for a shot of booze a line of coke but more
you left me in the dark of night when I was only four.
you left me by myself to find a way to stop the fear,
when all I ever wanted was for you to be so near.

and now I’m standing oh so tall so daring and so proud
that I have made myself a world where you are not allowed.
a world that is free of pain where little children play
against the dark room shadows of a ghost I cannot name.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 11, 2008
• ISBN: 9780595910137

Charles Nolan Wolf

Cocaine: the Death of Dreams is Mr. Wolf’s first collected body of work. It represents a journey that has spanned the last seven years of his life, a journey that will not end with the publication of this book. The poetry and prose within these pages was born out of an overwhelming desire to free his children from the devastating effects of living with a chemically dependent parent. His absolute disgust toward the inadequate laws that govern drug abuse and child abuse has repeatedly been fueled by the agonizing frustration of not being able to save his children from this nightmare. He has continually sought help from attorneys, social services, and law enforcement agencies only to be smothered with double-talk and rejection. The material within this book paints a sad and ugly picture of a reality that currently many millions of children in this country must live with on a day-to-day basis. It is the sincere hope of the author that someday these words might make a difference.

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Copyright © 2009, 2011 by Charles Nolan Wolf.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-0-5954-6718-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4401-6209-1 (hc)

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iUniverse rev. date: 03/20/2023

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface

Voices of this Story

The Child: abandoned

The Mother: junkie

The Father: Jekyll and Hyde

Cocaine: the lady in white

Despair: solid stone

Chapter I

one man’s tale of love and betrayal

my mother

my father

the boy

silver fox

temptation’s eyes

fucked

there where you left stars

weakness

shining star

sad mistaken

damnation

the needle and the womb

bloodlines

forsaken

nothing left

indecision

the day you died forever

contradictions

I love you still

peeking in your window

reflections of a perfect smile

deceived

still words

one single tear

your silent death

remains of memories

behind your shadow

forgiven

emptiness

felony theft

conundrum

want ads

a deepening depression

wanted you to know

giving up

full moon desire

battleground of love

black widow

the spirit seven years

change

conscience

Chapter II

before the hate made hell

addict

March 21, 1991

dependence

my promise

vampire

same old story

lost

the perfect shelter

blood thirst

tormented

Lucifer

the screaming fuck

wishful thinking

the great cover-up

needle in the vein

something human

your bloody needles

a cry for help

escape

wounds that won’t heal

so many years ago

one blank page

tilt-a-whirl

deception and denial

your final offering

killing the pain

she’s already dead

Chapter III

anger

buried alive

bitter sorrow

temptation

dead man with his horror

one man’s sperm

contempt

without love

the bullet’s in the gun

another way

cocaine

the death of dreams

desperation

and the children suffer

bitter resentment

you know who you are

harsh words

profound sickness

some things never change

death in motion

where did you lose that needle?

jones

mercy killing

bad dreams

baseball bats and double-bladed axes

the pusher

down there

your mutilated brain

pathetic waste

Chapter IV

the stench of law enforcement

and the laws protect you

Betty and Sue

do it all Sue

deliver my children from evil

it’s your move, bitch

responsibility

it’s the law

simple facts

the legal binge

I have a law

the stench of law enforcement

cottonmouth

dirty money

shared feelings

predator

Chapter V

the murder of childhood

bitter love

beautiful big brown eyes

it’s what she’s been seeing for years

abandoned

what’s left

through a child’s eyes

the murder of childhood

shame

pain is

for my little girl

a blessing

sometimes they never come home

remembering

Chapter VI

rising from the ashes

diary

in the end

the hangman

weather report

rebirth

I do not know you anymore

reunion

searching

something personal

my shadow

salvation

the stone

redemption

my son

unnoticed

Amaretto

reflections

desolation

death

for M

words

the price I paid

References

Quotation Resources

To the millions of human beings who have been stricken with or affected by the disease of chemical dependence, and to those caring individuals who have given unselfishly of themselves to heal their wounds.

And to a world of children whose voices have not yet been heard.

for my children

always build your home with brick and stone.

plant a garden rich with love and grace.

open to the man and to the beast,

all that you have gathered for the feast.

open to your eyes, this world shows.

open to your heart, this world grows.

one hand digging in the earth,

one hand reaching for the stars.

nature gives without reward,

nature takes without command.

God reminds us of our choice.

one path followed, one path forged.

Acknowledgments

Grateful acknowledgment is given to Harold Schindler for his devoted efforts and keen editorial eye. I would also like to thank my friends who stood by me during some of the darkest moments of this nightmare. Special thanks to Ben, Randy, Mary, and Jenny. They were the very few who whispered in my ear when everyone else was screaming.

Preface

The words within this book are based on the true story of one man’s struggle to free his two small children from their cocaine-addicted mother. The names, locations, and dates have been changed to protect individual identities.

Due to the subject matter of this book some readers may find parts of this work offensive. This book is not intended for children or the faint-of-heart!

This book and its contents are protected by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. It is the expressed hope of the author that this most important amendment be recognized. Many of the poems and prose written within this book are based on the author’s opinion.

If you do not believe in freedom of speech or the First Amendment do not read this book!

For more information regarding this book and samples of the poetry and prose, please review our Web site at www.cocainejunkie.com.

Sincerely,

Charles Nolan Wolf

This is not a work of fiction, although I wish it had been. The material within this book was born out of anger, fear, disgust, despair, frustration, sorrow, and all of the other emotions that emerge from living with a chemically dependent human being. If this work seems repulsive and distasteful it is simply because drug addiction and its results are all of these things and more. I have not intentionally tried to offend anyone. On the contrary, I have only tried to relate the very real and all too often devastating and destructive results of chemical dependence and codependence. The losses that occur are enormous and affect all aspects of human life. Sickness, disease, financial ruin, spiritual decay, family disintegration, child abuse, mental illness, and death are all very real results when this madness is left to continue. But when drug abuse and addiction affect our children it is the greatest of sins.

I have written these words with the hope that in some small way they may touch someone who is burdened and sick with grief from the living hell of drug addiction and its results. I have also written these words with hope that in some way the laws may be modified to help the poor souls who are now trapped within this vicious death rattle. I give thanks for the opportunity to share these words with you and may you be fortunate enough to never experience the death of dreams.

Cocaine: the Death of Dreams is Mr. Wolf’s first collected body of work. It represents a journey that has spanned the last seven years of his life, a journey that will not end with the publication of this book. The poetry and prose within these pages was born out of an overwhelming desire to free his children from the devastating effects of living with a chemically dependent parent. His absolute disgust toward the inadequate laws that govern drug abuse and child abuse has repeatedly been fueled by the agonizing frustration of not being able to save his children from this nightmare. He has continually sought help from attorneys, social services, and law enforcement agencies only to be smothered with double-talk and rejection.

The material within this book paints a sad and ugly picture of a reality that currently many millions of children in this country must live with on a day-to-day basis. It is the sincere hope of the author that someday these words might make a difference.

Volumes have been written about drug addiction, abuse, codependence, recovery, and relapse, but no one has mentioned how to save innocent children from the destructive forces of their chemically dependent parent/s. Indeed, it is literally impossible to intervene on behalf of any adult who for whatever reasons and through whatever addiction is destroying the lives of everyone around them, not to mention their own life. As long as those individuals are free to manipulate, mutilate, and morally