The American Nutcracker: Time for Some Old School Crackiný

By N O Slak

Although the topics author N. O. Slak chooses to write about contain humor, satire, and true personal stories, The American Nutcracker is intended for those who share his opinions, yet are hesitant to convey their message for fear of being politically incorrect.

Differences of opinion are encouraged in the United States and are even considered healthy by some. Slak offers his interesting viewpoint on everything from the workplace and grocery shopping to celebrities and award shows. Here are some examples:

Self-proclaimed environmentalists tend to do a lot of whining, but there's not much going on as far as action.
Actors, like studio executives, come and go. But why do they continue to soak up-and even beg for-those gratuitous fifteen minutes of fame?
You think the State of the Union Address is long and boring? Think again. Only at award shows can you hear the most long-winded, revolting, and obnoxious speeches.

Slak is in no way bashful in his self-elected job of speaking for the silent majority. If you can't handle the truth, coupled with a little sarcasm and satire, then go ahead and put The American Nutcracker down and slowly back away.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 29, 2006
• ISBN: 9780595843527

N O Slak

After living in his car for more than a year, N. O. Slak went on to work for three of the largest entertainment companies in the United States. He currently calls the South home.

Book preview

Environmentalists (Watermelon-heads) 

The watermelon-heads are spearheading humans into extinction while trying to save the Ridley sea turtle and an owl, along with other life form. How do they know how many of these turtles are swimming around in the Gulf of Mexico and Atlantic Ocean? Did they hire David Blaine to swim around and gather all the beach bums to walk the shores of Texas to get an accurate count of their nests? Do we really need these turtles? They can’t even manage to get out of the way of trawling nets, which proves Darwin’s theory. Besides, part of their diet consists of clams and I am a clam lover. I don’t want them to eat my share. Only the strong shall survive, yelled the Romans, as they heaved another useless human into the arena to fight the lion.

The environmentalists’ ideology contradicts the theory of evolution. Did you know there are approximately 10 million species on this planet, yet scientists have only identified approximately 10%? In addition, approximately 50,000 species die off annually. Species include animals, plants and microbes. Scientists don’t even know what kind of role these species play in our ecosystem, therefore how do the environmentalists know which critter to protect? Is it my imagination or do they feel compelled only to save trees and the cute little animals? I don’t hear anyone beating the war-drum to save microbes. What if one of these microbes becomes extinct, but we find out later it’s a vital microbe in Kabbalah water? In case you haven’t heard, Kabbalah water is the new choice of drinking water for the celebrities and yuppies. Oh my, does that mean people who drink this stuff will become extinct too? What are we going to do if some of our favorite celebrities and social misfits become mutants, because their bodies become genetically accustomed to this water? Perhaps their bodies have become tap water intolerant and they can only survive on this special water. It would be scarier if the missing microbe in Kabbalah water caused the people who drink it to start looking like Angelina Jolie without her makeup. Yikes! Everyone who drinks this water would become big-lipped, tattooed people who kiss their siblings and adopt children from third world countries. Hey, at least Angelina had a kid with Brad and not Billy-Bob. One could only imagine how their offspring would look. I think the kid would look like one big pair of lips with hair stubble.

There are people in this world with no water to drink, yet do you think these people care as they slosh this water or any other pricey water down their throats? I don’t want to get too far off track, but over one billion people lack access to safe water and over two million people die annually from drinking bad water in developing nations, most of them under the age of five.

The word environmentalist came into existence circa 1916. The definition is people concerned with the environment, especially with respect to the control of pollution. Why couldn’t they have just stopped there? I agree pollution is bad for the environment, yet too many other groups have evolved from the original environmental movement. We now have the watermelon-heads, who want to save everything and the Eco-Defense, who are the extremists crying out for attention. These people believe in doing harm to people or property to get their irrational point across. This too, is evolution. The environmentalists want to save the earth, but who is trying to save the humans? There are good groups of environmentalists and their causes are with merit. However, I have an idea for the groups that are hell-bent on trying to save every endangered species and redwood tree.

I think we should ship these off-the-wall environmentalists (true melon-heads) to Antarctica. How can they screw up water and ice? This way, they don’t have to worry about what is happening around the rest of the world. I’m sure there are several countries that will donate and give them what they need. The environmentalists would have everything they require to survive, yet the only thing missing from their care package will be a form of transportation to leave the continent. I don’t want to give a geographical and history lesson on that oversized iceberg, but the temperature drops to 128 degrees below zero and can have winds up to 200 mph. Let me tell you what they are going to see if we ship them out of here. Antarctica is 90% ice and contains 70% of the world’s fresh water. What did you think they were going to see, sandy white beaches with tropical birds? They will see penguins, sea lions and birds. Although these animals appear to be dead, they are merely temporarily frozen. They will thaw out in due time.

In addition, this is the place, where in the 1970’s scientists first discovered the hole in the ozone and chlorinated hydrocarbons were the probable cause. It was not until 1986 when their measurements were universally accepted. However, this did not stop the experts from removing my favorite deodorant in 1978. Scientists are stating that compounds consisting of: carbon, hydrogen, fluorine, bromine, nitrogen oxide and halogen compounds are also bad for the ozone. Why don’t they just name the whole Periodic Table? Meanwhile, we still have the same hole in the sky, so what is causing it? Other scientists believe the ozone layer started eroding 14,000 years ago over Alaska. Therefore, how could my deodorant be the cause? The dreaded scientists want to scare you even more by claiming that if the global temperature were to change by a few degrees, this would cause the polar ice caps to melt and cause the oceans to rise about 50-feet. Good, because a lot more people would have ocean front property, so what’s the big deal? I think Malibu, Santa Monica and Venice Beach, CA could use a little cleansing and that should do the trick.

About 10 countries claimed property in Antarctica. Despite what most people think about Germany because of their inept leader, even they were smart enough to bail out of there a long time ago. I think they pulled up stakes when the French claimed property next to them and they noticed there was no deodorant onboard during their initial landing, so they packed up and left. Now you know why no one wants to take credit for that place. There is nothing to do, it’s extremely cold and your only neighbors are the French. Today’s environmentalists and the French are always whining about something, so this could be the start of a special relationship. The only thing the French are proud of is their sewer system, but you don’t need to go below the streets of Paris to see French crap, there is plenty of crap to see above ground. If I want to see French crap, I will go to a restaurant and order a croissant.

This country needed the Industrial Revolution. It brought down prices of products to the masses, not just the rich and elite. The second phase of the revolution, (1871-1914) brought us the combustible engine, electronic motor, radio, cinema and sweatshops. While all this madness was happening, Sears and Roebuck were selling their home-kits. Yes, you could actually buy a house from Sears and put it together. It would simply be too hard to sell brick-house kits, especially if you were a door-to-door salesman. In order to sell their wooden do-it-yourself home-kits, they had to bring down some trees. Do the environmentalists expect us normal people to live in teepees or igloos? The industrial revolution provided our ancestors with housing, clothing and food to shove down their pie-holes at an affordable price. Yet, the payoff was pollution and cheap labor. So what has changed? We are still polluting, however we shifted our child labor to foreign countries. Yet, the good news is instead of making $.48 cents a day in 1912, we can now get the same help for roughly $5.00 per day. With the cost of living over the last hundred years, I think it’s a bargain, so you won’t hear me complaining. Look at the clothes you wear, the houses you live in and the food you eat. Think of every little detail. It is very hypocritical to snivel about the environment when we are all guilty of taking advantage of such necessities to survive. Today’s clothes are very affordable, and they are brand names too, so why all the fuss? Environmentalists only want to point their fingers at problems, but not come up with solutions. It would be nice if they invented alternative fuel supplies, building materials or whatever else that is causing them to get their panties in a wad. Perhaps they could all take wood shop and instead of making bongs, they could make wooden owls and place them in the trees in the northwest. I guess the conclusion I can draw from above is nothing has changed in almost 100 years. The self-proclaimed environmentalists of today tend to do a lot of whining, but I don’t see that much going on as far as action. The only thing that has changed is they’re now into everything and not just pollution. They have somehow managed to find more stuff wrong with the environment to whine about. That’s because man has evolved, along with the ecosystem, which is the definition of the word environment. A biome is a major ecological community. Examples of a biome are deserts, oceans, rain forests and Hollywood.

Can the environmentalists complain when totally pollutant-free cars start to roll off the assembly lines in the decades to come? Can they complain about vehicles whose sole source of power is water? I am confident they will be griping because we would be using too much water, thus causing a water shortage for their cappuccinos. I think the environmentalists who complain the most are the ones who do not drive nice cars. Instead, they drive cheap compact cars because unemployment does not pay that much. Have you ever noticed the people who drive SUV’s and other nice vehicles don’t give a rat’s behind about the ecosystem? That’s because they are too busy working and don’t have time to pay attention to such nonsense.

Ethanol is a fuel alternative that is around the corner and that fuel source puts out carcinogens, but do you want some carcinogens in the air to breathe or do you want to run out of oil? The environmentalists don’t want us to drill for oil or go to war, so do we walk everywhere? I am surprised this group has not ridiculed the Amish for too much horse crap hitting the asphalt. I don’t see the environmentalists walking or riding horses. I see them take airplane rides and multi-colored buses to get to their next gathering.

There are separate groups of environmentalists who proclaim they are against war. How many of you pinheads are protecting us? If we have another terrorist attack, are we to turn the other cheek? Anybody who believes in this nonsense should be on the first wave to Antarctica. War is terrible, but it has been around since biblical times and it will continue. Put down the peace pipes you’re smoking and go enlist. I read an article in the St. Petersburg Times by Robyn E. Blumner on May 21, 2006 and the headline read, President Grabs Power while Congress Sleeps. I hope the author didn’t write the headline. In this article, the author sophomorically attacks our President when congress is the group that was sleeping. As they say, the best time to kick a man is when he’s down. Also, don’t forget R. Blumner, this is the same group that was singing patriotic songs in front of the Capital right after the horrific events on September 11, 2001. It looked like a love fest, yet now everybody wants to attack the President. Congress was holding hands, swaying back and forth looking like they were ready to bust out in a circle jerk. I think that’s when the President made his move, after all timing is everything.

The environmentalists of today, as their predecessors did almost a hundred years ago, do nothing more than select which area of the ecosystem they are going to complain about next. Typically, it’s a subject they know little about, yet they’re still not bashful to get behind a bullhorn and start spouting off at the yap. It’s easy to pick out someone else’s mistakes and complain about it, just as I am doing right now.

The current crop of environmentalists has received too much attention, only because they will not go away. The government has listened to them. They are now levying heavy penalties towards people who are polluting. Nevertheless, don’t forget they can also thank themselves for putting thousands of people in the unemployment line because of the new laws. The small manufacturing companies in Los Angeles and other cities across the nation who dealt with hazardous waste are out of business because of them.

The politicians got so annoyed listening to them everyday; they imposed new E.P.A. laws back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, and bingo! The environmentalists did change the ecosystem. They put many people out of work. They managed to put the little person out of work, yet there are huge corporations who continue to spew their garbage into rivers and oceans. I guess they only pick the fights they can win.

Has anybody seen a spotted owl? If there is just a couple left, who cares? Humans will not be here forever, so what makes you think some owl is going to survive? In all reality, do the environmentalists fully realize how many species have come and gone? Somebody came up with this word called evolution and this is what’s happening. Human beings and animals evolve. Government, the weather and technology evolve as well. Things change. Stuff happens. We should not attempt to play God and dictate which critters to keep and which ones should disappear. It is a fact there are thousands of species that simply die off every year. Now all of a sudden, some wing nuts decide some little fury critter is more important than human life. This is definitely absurd.

One of the reasons why we have intentional controlled burns of our forests and greenways is to help induce Mother Nature to start the reproductive cycle, which is vital to maintain the ecosystem. We also do this to watch the little cute furry critters scamper out of the forest only to take one for the team by a tractor-trailer.

Have any of you ever hit an animal while driving? I nailed a few, but the worse is when they hit your windshield. This will scare the crap out of you, causing you to spill your beverage of choice all over your freshly detailed vehicle. Now you’re so pissed off, you go in reverse to find that spotted owl to make sure the deed is completely done. Reverse, forward, reverse, forward. Good, that will teach the little bugger to fly at night. Then it strikes you all of a sudden, that was the last one! Oops.

There are three different species of the spotted owl consisting of six different aliases. There is the Mexican, Arizona, California, Northern, Western Barred and Wood owl. What if we move some of these owls to the other regions of the US that has shortages? After all, they rather look the same and I don’t think anybody would mind. Just one Northern owl requires 3,000 acres to live. Besides the King Ranch in Texas, how much property does one need? I say we move the remaining owls to the other parts of the country where no one wants to live. Akron would be a good start. Has anybody tested to see if the owls can survive there? If people can actually survive there, I think the owl can too. Maybe they don’t like living in the forest. How would we know? Maybe this whole time they have been trying to tell us to cut down the trees so they can get a better view of the soot-filled brick disgusting buildings in Akron.

Why are most of the environmentalists concerned with the protection of dolphins? Nobody minds if we shovel tuna down our throats everyday, yet heaven forbid if we accidentally net a dolphin. Americans go through tuna fish as Sherman went through Atlanta. Do people realize dolphins are still netted, along with sea turtles, sharks, billfish and other cetaceans?

What is the big hype about this issue? Tuna, along with other creatures from the sea are netted at a 6-1 ratio over the dolphin. In fact, the amount of immature tuna being netted is alarming. People will really start to complain when we run out of tuna in the future, so I would enjoy it while you can. Tuna not only comes fresh or in a can, now you can buy it in a bag too. I just love thinking about eating tuna from a bag. Doesn’t that just sound nasty! It probably tastes like tuna in a can. I prefer my tuna to come from a net. If anybody ever gets the chance, may I recommend fresh tuna? Either I can supply you with the proper fishing techniques or you can go to your local fishmonger who has an ample supply of tuna. Some tuna may even be tainted with a smidge of mercury at no extra cost.

I’m a magnet for these mindless idiots giving me their opinion on how the world is being destroyed by man. Yeah, it has been going on for a couple of thousand years. You don’t think the Romans did a little earth bashing? Where do you think all of their stuff is now? Trust me when I say, their stuff is buried somewhere on this planet. The entire Roman Empire under Julius Caesar is gone. So where do you think all of their metal swords, pottery, clothing and funny looking hats are located? That crap isn’t in your local museum. In fact, archeologists from the United Kingdom have unearthed thousands of leather sandals near Hadrian’s Wall. However, geography, history and cowhide should never be commingled. This will only cause more confusion with today’s environmentalists.

We have the hole in the ozone group, no drilling for oil anywhere group and a smorgasbord of other special interest groups. Oh yes, I do want to give an honorable mention to the people who believe in global warming. Ask the people, who live in Buffalo, NY how hot it is around Christmas time, go ahead and pick a year.

This planet will not, and cannot survive no matter what we do, even despite our best intentions on keeping it clean. Recycling is a great idea, but we can only gain the most from recycling materials if everybody has to do it. If just a few companies and municipalities have adopted a must recycle program, it is not worth it, because everybody is throwing their recyclables in their regular trash. I can see where this is of benefit. We all need to chip in and do our best, yeah right! Did anybody buy into that last sentence? My job is to keep you entertained, not put you to sleep. The people complaining about the destruction of our planet are the same dopes tossing their cigarettes out of their car windows while driving to their place of employment. A place where you will commonly hear the phrase, Would you like that Super-Sized?

The earth can endure natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods, fires, typhoons, monsoons and Brittany Spears, but it cannot sustain the growth of people. All of the newborns everyone is cranking out will also need a home and food. People evolve in proportion with the evolution of the earth. Do you realize how much food we export every day? The United States feeds more than half of the world. The Vikings and the Huns are gone, right along with the dinosaurs. Well, the dinosaurs died in the ice age and the other goofballs killed each other off. A meteor could smack us any day and we will also unfortunately continue to witness other wars or be at war ourselves. The earth is prone to natural disasters and that scares me more than the notion we are experiencing an owl shortage. Yet, when this civilization does end, maybe we will go to a better place; a place where there are no cell phones, hairspray or Starbucks. Remember, only the strong shall survive. I don’t drink frappes, lattes or even take cream and sugar.

Theories are like butts, because most of them stink. There are conflicting theories with global warning, acid rain and just about every topic covered in this chapter. There are too many experts who opine on this subject for days on end. They have the credentials to support their theory, but it is still nothing more than an educated guess. Nobody can predict the outcome of Mother Nature. There are people who even respectfully disagree on how to fix the problem with the Ridley Turtle. I think that if the population of any sea critter, bird or cute little animal gets below 100, we should hand out hunting licenses and make it an open season to dispose of the rest. Whoever shoots the last one, wins $1,000,000. However, if one more is found, the winner has to give that person the money. It would almost be like a game of Dare if you spend the money.

The people that try to protest some type of an environmental issue by living in a tree need to move on to the next chapter in their lives or get a job. There was some idiot living in a tree for a little while a few years ago. They must have thought they were doing something worthwhile to have all types of media either writing stories or showing this person on the nightly news. I just want to remind that person; you lived like a monkey for two reasons. You lived in a tree and you didn’t bathe. Whew, now I know why some of the cute little furry critters in the forests experienced an unexpected high mortality rate that year. This also taught me how the word mental was put into environmentalist.

I care about the environment as much as any caring person would, but it all amounts to common sense if you want to do anything about it. The ongoing pollution of our oceans, lakes, and rivers is disgusting. It is disgusting, because our elected officials will not stop it. Yet, even if this were to stop tomorrow, it is irrelevant due to the fact that pollution, the cutting down of trees and trying to save furry little critters is a lost cause. I am not willing to spend my free time fighting City Hall.

It would be nice if we stopped cutting down trees for strip malls, we already have enough. It’s not the thought of cutting trees down that bothers me as much as what they are erecting in their place. To cut down twenty acres of good timber to throw up another Wal-Mart is absurd. I like Wal-Mart, but I don’t need to see one on every corner. Would you please slow down the construction of these behemoth monolithic torture chambers? I don’t want to see any tree clearing for another Starbucks, Barnie’s or any other yuppie establishments either. I think we have too many Best Buy, Circuit City and Sears stores too.

If we are going to be cutting down trees, let’s erect something that is a benefit for everybody. We need more entertainment and relaxation in this country. After all, most of us do work. So, let’s build more Hooters Restaurants, dog tracks, and casinos. Yet, if you put