Looking for Nick

By NC Nest

Hey, everyone. NC Nest here. My story "Looking for Derek" is one that's full of heart and hormones. It was my first LGBT story, and it found tens-of-thousands of enthusiastic readers. Thank you for connecting with Nick and Derek's tale and for also sharing with me your own stories of love and fear. I wrote the first draft a couple years ago, and a few questions always lingered after writing that final chapter.

What went through Derek's mind during the highest highs and lowest lows? And what would happen if Nick and Derek had to separate (maybe their families moved, or they went to different colleges, or you know, LIFE got in the way)? Would they find their way back to one another?

Those questions have got my fingers typing again for a new book called "Looking for Nick." This time, we get in Derek's head, but we're also gonna face a big challenge in their relationship. Without giving it all away, let me share with you the first few sentences:

"If I had to rank order the three hardest days of my life so far, it would go like this:
The third hardest day of my life was the day Nick Revel let some homophobic bully shut me out of his life on the very day that I had thought we both fell in love.
The second hardest day of my life was coming out to my homophobic parents.
The hardest day of my life, though: Saying good-bye to Nick."

I hope you're excited (and just a little nervous; it's okay to be both!) and I hope you look forward to this next installment. Join us as we see what happens when Derek and Nick go to college and face the greatest challenges to their relationship yet.

• Language: English
• Publisher: NC Nest
• Release date: Jun 26, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463843314

NC Nest

Nest is a thirty-two year old financial adviser who loves all things pop culture. His favorites include playing Final Fantasy, binging Bob's Burgers, and cheering for the WWE to give their women wrestlers as much time in the spotlight as they do the guys. He's from Pekin, IL and lives with his partner and their furbabies-- two crazy dogs and three crazier cats.

Book preview

Looking for Nick

by N.C. Nest

Copyright © 2018 N.C. Nest

SMASHWORDS EDITION

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the publisher

except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

For permissions or to contact the author, e-mail [e-mail].

Author’s Note: This book is the follow up to LOOKING FOR DEREK.

In Looking for Derek, we get a story told from the perspective of Nick Revel.

This is the story told from Derek’s point-of-view, and it takes place after Looking for Derek. It is not required that you have read the previous book to enjoy this one, but I would highly recommend it.

Chapter One

If I had to rank order the three hardest parts of my life so far, it would go like this:

The third hardest part was the day Nick Revel let some homophobic bully shut me out of his life on the very day that I thought we both fell in love.

The second hardest part was coming out to my homophobic parents.

The hardest part, though, so far: Getting ready to say good-bye to Nick Revel.

My name is Derek Burka, and I met Nick on a summer trip to Kings Island in Cincinnati, Ohio about two years ago. We had both won trips through school fundraisers. That day on the bus and at Kings Island is one I’ll never forget.

It’s an important day in my life, and before I tell you what’s happening today, let me tell you about that love-at-first-sight day.

I saw Nick sitting by himself on the bus, and right away I wondered if he might be family. I had only just begun to learn about things like gaydar, and I suppose I hoped every cute boy was like me. But Nick had a vibe—it was the way he looked at me with those brown eyes when I asked if I could sit next to him. His eyes were lit with desire. It wasn’t until he pretended to fall asleep and touched my leg that I thought for sure that he was really into me.

Have you ever had that happen? Has someone ever touched you, and you weren’t sure if it was on purpose? His hand slid across my leg, and I had to swallow hard and think of the book I was reading to not get excited. Even then, I felt a stir in my shorts as something began to stiffen. Oh, God. What if he touched that and none of this was on purpose? He’d probably say some disgusting words and that would be the end, right? But I’d have to think of him all weekend on this damn trip—the guy who fell asleep next to me and accidently touched my boner.

That would be awful.

At some point, I felt Nick looking at me. I turned and smiled. He smiled back and he didn’t move his hand. That made be stiffen all the more, and I wondered if he had felt that. Oh, God. Say something!

You wanna be my partner? What the hell did I just say? That may not have been the best choice of words.

What? Nick asked. His face told me he was as shocked as me.

On the roller coasters. Wanna ride them with me?

Yeah, for sure. That would be great. Nick’s hand was still on my thigh, and I still had a semi-erection. That’s when Brandon—let me tell you about this fucking homophobe—asked if anyone wanted to play a card game called Bullshit.

Nick took his hand away, and I tried to not to even blink. I couldn’t let him know that I knew. Could I? What if Nick really was asleep and out of it and just didn’t know what he was doing?

These feelings can sure suck. Talk about roller coasters.

A dozen games and a couple hours later and we were finally at Kings Island. At first, everyone was hanging out together, and I was trying so hard to be patient. I just wanted to ride with Nick—not these other people. But I smiled like nothing in the world bothered me (that’s the face I tend to wear when things really do bother me), and I waited. After a bit, I finally got to partner up with Nick. I thought of him falling asleep next to me on that bus, and I decided this would be my time to touch him and see how he reacts.

Just as the coaster jerked back hard to begin its long ascent, I let my hand slide over to Nick’s knee. I held my breath, and not out of fear of the coaster but out of fear as to how Nick would react. He didn’t flinch or say anything, and I prayed that was a good sign. When the coaster shot down a deep descent, we both screamed and Nick grabbed my hand. He was holding my hand! I couldn’t believe it. My heart was beating incredibly fast, and I felt warm everywhere. It was the best feeling in the world.

Do you get that? I know all kids probably feel great the first time someone they like holds their hand. Maybe it’s during recess and you hold hands with this girl you’ve been crushing on. Later, all the kids tease you, but somehow that kind of teasing is okay. It’s an acknowledgment, even approval. You’re not just a boy anymore. You’re a boy who holds hands with a girl. You might as well be holding her on the edge of the Titanic and screaming out to the world.

That’s special. Don’t get me wrong. But there are also a few of you like me. A few of you who’ve never had someone you’ve liked romantically reach out and hold your hand. When Nick touched my leg on the bus and when he grabbed my hand on that roller coaster—it was the best damn feeling in the world.

A lot of my friends had their first kisses and first hand-holding (and some even their first hand jobs, if I’m being honest) in middle school. That gets celebrated—IF you’re straight. When you’re gay, no one celebrates your first kiss or your first hand-holding and definitely not your first hand job. Even if the world seems accepting on prime time TV, it’s not very fucking accepting in the playgrounds and locker rooms.

I think little kids accept without judgment, but then something happens when puberty hits. If you’re a guy who is not into vagina, your teen years are gonna feel like they last forever. Maybe things get better after high school. But no matter if gay marriage is legal or if your friend down the street has two gay moms, it is damn hard to be a gay kid.

Period.

And so when Nick Revel held my hand, I wanted to scream, I’m on top of the world! Finally. Like any teen, I had been looking forward to a moment like this forever.

So when Brandon the fucking douchebag homophobe glanced over and looked shocked, I wanted to yell fuck you. He gave me the look I had always imagined someone would give me the first time I held hands publicly with a boy, and it pissed me off to know I was right. Screw him. I wanted to march hand-in-hand with Nick around Kings Island and never let go. Forget the world and all those who can’t handle it.

And as those thoughts were going through my head, Nick let go. That made me even angrier. Whatever, man, I said to Brandon.

Shake it off, I told myself. You got the whole day to spend with Nick. And now it is just the two of you. So chill and enjoy it.

On the next ride, Nick reached out to me and held my hand. It made all the anger and thoughts melt away. We rode coaster after coaster. Sometimes I’d reach out and hold his hand or rest my hand on his leg. Sometimes he’d initiate. It didn’t matter.

I got to have the teen crush I wasn’t sure I’d ever really get to have.

I even got to show off my basketball skills and win him a stuffed animal. All in all, it was a perfect day.

Until we got back to the hotel.

The chaperones had already assigned us to various rooms, and Nick got assigned to one with Brandon and a couple other guys. I was assigned to a room with three other dudes I didn’t even remember seeing on the bus (I guess I was distracted). I took a shower and changed clothes. It had been a hot day at the theme park. Then I sat in bed for a minute and tried to figure out what to do. That’s when one of the guys I was staying with tried to find free porn. Just listening to them talk about tits and pussy—I couldn’t take it. Trust me, most gay teens have had way too many conversations where we pretend to get off on tits and pussy. After a day with Nick, I couldn’t stomach having to pretend.

I left the room without saying anything and walked down the hall, hoping to hear Nick’s voice. I heard a couple dudes talking about the theme park, so I took a chance on knocked on that door.

Brandon answered. I swallowed hard and stood tall. Over Brandon’s shoulder, I saw Nick and I smiled. There’s my guy.

Hey, I said. Can I stay with you guys?

One of the other guys yelled back. This room is already full.

Then Brandon spoke. Go back to your own room, faggot. He slammed the door in my face.

I stood in the hall, just waiting. I waited for Nick to come running out of the room and get me. Surely, he wouldn’t just stay in that room with Brandon. He wouldn’t do nothing, right? He had to do something.

My heart felt like it was beating in my neck. I stood there, waiting and waiting. My face felt incredibly hot. A tear formed in my eye.

He’s not coming.

How could he not leave the room and come get me?

He could stay in my room. Hell, we could sleep in the hallway. I wouldn’t give a shit where we stayed as long as he was by my side.

But he didn’t come. I don’t remember how long I stood there. I eventually made it back to my room, and the guys were asleep. Using my duffel bag as a pillow, I slept on the floor. Well, I didn’t exactly sleep. I was too pissed off to sleep.

You see, I get that there will always be a Brandon in the world. Some homophobic asshole (who’s actually probably gay himself and his only way of dealing with it is to treat other gay guys like total shit) will always be there to try and take away your happiness. I kinda get that in a fucked up way.

But you know who’s not supposed to take away your happiness?

The guy who feels exactly like you do. The guy who’s totally into you.

When I woke up that morning, I thought I’d punch Nick in the face. Instead, I decided to sit next to someone else and put on that face I wear so well when I’m hurting so badly— the nothing’s wrong face.

Derek, I’m sorry, Nick said.

GO AWAY. I didn’t even look at him.

When the bus finally got us back to our starting point in Indianapolis, I couldn’t have run out of it any faster. But Nick called after and handed me a piece of paper.

I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. Here, take this.

What is it?

My name and info. I’m really sorry. Will you at least call?

A thousand thoughts—most beginning with the word fuck and ending with the word you—crossed my mind.

Instead, I tossed the piece of paper on the ground and walked away without saying a word. He wasn’t worth any more words.

Looking back now, it’s crazy how one day can change your life. I never expected to sit next to someone on a bus and feel such desire. No, I’m not just a horny guy (yes, that’s part of me), and no, I’m not some Romeo and Juliet romantic. All it took for me to feel like life was going to be okay—that love and sexuality and all of that crazy shit was actually gonna work out for me—was that one day. The excitement. The fear. The rush. The touch. Everything, I had thought, was going to be okay.

That’s all any of us can really ask for.

Nick Revel took away that hope on the same day he had given it. Everything was not going to be okay. There was always going to be a Brandon and dammit all to hell I guess there was always going to be a Nick, too.

So, screw him. I didn’t know if everything was going to be okay. But I knew I was going to keep looking and trying.

I’d keep looking for the Nick who gave me hope. What a surprise it was to find Nick Revel months later and to learn how much he had obsessed, too, over that day. It’s why I—after months of cooling off—gave him a second chance.

I thought about that first day today, just before Nick came over for our last night together. It helped me to remember how we started and how far we’ve come and hopefully how much more we could take.

Still, I knew I was about to experience the hardest day of my life: the day I had to say good-bye to Nick.

Chapter Two

We sat on my bed, and Nick put his arm around my shoulder. This was the day we had been dreading forever and had done our best not to think about. We had been together for over a year and a half, and this last summer had been the absolute best of my life.

I shifted back on the bed—if this bed could talk, it would tell the best stories. That thought made me grin. But then I looked at Nick and saw the tears in his eyes.

I don’t know how to explain it, he started. I knew this day was coming. But I also never thought it would get here. He wiped at his eyes. Why can’t we freeze time?

I shook my head and leaned in closer to him.

Are we making the right decision? I asked.

I don’t know. I really don’t, he said.

My chest felt incredibly heavy and out of nowhere tears came to my eyes, too. Nick held me tighter.

We had both received scholarships to play college basketball. They weren’t exactly full rides, but supplemented with other academic scholarships, we both had actually managed to get a free education. No college loans and getting to play ball at the NCAA level—how could we say no to that? The problem was that the offers were from two different schools.

In two different states across the country.

The University of California Davis—California!—was the only school that made me an offer. I searched hard, and we applied to so many different schools, hoping to stay together. Nick only got one offer, too—and his was much closer to home. Bradley University, his shot at college ball, was just across the border in Illinois. Both were good schools, and if we said no, we wouldn’t get to play NCAA ball, and we wouldn’t get these kind of scholarships either.

I admit I’m a bit jealous that you get to experience Cali, and I’ll be living in Peoria, Illinois. That doesn’t seem quite fair, Nick said.

I laughed. Well, it’ll be a couple years before I’m twenty-one. I promise I won’t hit up the gay bars till you can visit.

So, long distance, huh? Nick asked.

You’re probably thinking that we had this conversation already, surely? Well, you’d be wrong. I didn’t want to talk about. I wanted to live in the moment. If Nick brought it up, I’d call his sister Jen and tell her that Nick was being a jerk. When I wanted to discuss it but Nick didn’t, well, he distracted me by putting something of mine in his mouth.

That always made me shut up.

So we had danced around this conversation all summer. I had to leave tomorrow morning for the start of my school year, though. This was our official last night of summer, and our last night together till—when? Christmas? We’d have games over Thanksgiving, so we wouldn’t even be coming home, then. It wouldn’t be till winter break, and that was like seventeen weeks away. Yes, I counted.

Seventeen weeks. It sounded like a lifetime.

I had to be positive, for us. Yeah. It will make Christmas all the better.

Santa won’t be the only one who comes, Nick said, and I laughed. I loved how perverted he was. There was so much I had learned about relationships in the past year, and one thing was that when you find someone as perverted as you, that’s something to celebrate.

In the movies, Nick continued, long distance never works.

There it was—doubt. That’s what I was so afraid of hearing from Nick. Doubt that we couldn’t make this work.

You’re my first love, I said.

And you’re mine. He leaned in and kissed me. You’re my first everything.

I kissed him hard, and he wrapped his arms around me. We didn’t have to talk anymore, did we? We could just hold one another like this all night. Forget the future. Enjoy the present.

But he pulled away. Four months is a long time, he said.

That’s what my right hand is for. You know, I’ve kinda missed my right hand. I haven’t used him in forever, I said.

Nick laughed. There’s gonna be so many new guys. And you’re so fucking hot. I just worry.

I smiled and put my head on his shoulder. You know, you’re not so bad yourself. I’m the one who should worry. Now that I got you out of your closet, you could become a total manwhore.

I’d never cheat on you, Nick said. He shifted and looked me directly in the eyes. Seriously. Fuck that. I would never cheat.

My face felt warm again. I love you.

I love you more, he told me.

We kissed and I rolled him on his back. Forget it, I thought. No more talking tonight. I took his shirt off, removed his pants, and loved him as hard as I did our first time together.

*****

The middle of the night can be the best and the worst of times. I woke up and looked at my phone. It was just a bit after three. Nick had his arm around me. No one had bothered us, not even Mom. She knew better, especially tonight. In just a few hours, she, Nick, and my best friend Eliana would be driving me to the Indianapolis airport.

Could we really do long distance?

Hey, Nick whispered. Can’t sleep either?

No, I said.

Let’s talk. He sat up a little, and I shifted. I didn’t like those two words, not one bit. Let’s talk usually doesn’t come before something good.

I don’t know if I slept at all tonight, he said. My mind just won’t shut off.

I know what you mean. I sighed and placed my hand on Nick’s thigh. Remember this? I slowly slid my hand toward his crotch.

Don’t distract me. He laughed. And of course. Thank God I touched you that day. I’m just so sorry about that night. He paused for a moment. You know, I’ve never forgiven myself.