Who Killed Joy Murder Mystery

By Charles Schwarz

This humorous mystery unfolds as a group of rapacious cable show producers meet at an isolated retreat to determine which shows will be renewed, and which will be cancelled. Caustic struggles ensue among the producers of such shows as 600 Pound Fatties, Naked Survivors in Borneo, the Love Life of Little People, and other shows. The intensity of the infighting increases with the advent of Tattoo Man pitching his show.
The humorous struggles continue as the narrator constructs a weekend murder mystery play to serve as a diversion for the producers during the retreat. The weekend mystery play stars, as the victim, a beautiful empty-headed 19-year-old waitress named Joy. Unfortunately she is actually murdered by one of the retreat’s participants. Everyone refuses to believe a murder was committed, thinking Joy’s death was merely part of the weekend mystery play. Confusion abounds as the narrator continually tries to unsuccessfully convince the producers that an actual murder has occurred.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Charles Schwarz
• Release date: Feb 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370456116

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The Smashwords Edition

WHO KILLED JOY MURDER MYSTERY

Charles E. Schwarz

Who Killed Joy Murder Mystery

Charles E. Schwarz

The Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2018 Charles E Schwarz

Smashwords License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment. It may not be resold or given away. If you would like to share this ebook, please purchase an additional copy for each person with whom you want to share it. If you're reading this ebook and did not purchase it, or if it was not purchased for your use only, please return to smashwords and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

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Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction, a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance or similarity to any actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Cover design and formatting by Debora Lewis arenapublishing.org

Cover photo by Stickfigures.co

Table of Contents

Chapter 1. Do the Dead Realize They’re Dead?

Chapter 2. The PEEP Producers’ Retreat.

Chapter 3. Alligator Balls

Chapter 4. Insecurity Is the Norm

Chapter 5. Unprepared Murder

Chapter 6. The Hidden Depths of Joy

Chapter 7. It’s Not Pretty

Chapter 8. Joy Enters

Chapter 9. Tattoos Enter

Chapter 10. More Joy

Chapter 11. The Struggle of Eight

Chapter 12. Ass Kissing Cupids

Chapter 13. The Morning After

Chapter 14. The Mystery Begins

Chapter 15. Who Would Be the Killer

Chapter 16. Bare Cheats

Chapter 17. Small Cheats

Chapter 18. Witte and Wise Cheat

Chapter 19. Deseri Strikes Again

Chapter 20. Joy Is Gone

Chapter 21. Bobby Blast Cries

Chapter 22. Murder Announced at Lunch

Chapter 23. The Electronic Crime Scene

Chapter 24. Do the Right Thing

Chapter 25. The Trial of the Century

About the Author

To my supportive wife, Emily.

Chapter 1. Do the Dead Realize They’re Dead?

When is a person dead?

A person is dead when people say he’s dead. If no one says he’s dead, if everyone says he’s alive, then is he dead? Being dead, can the deceased announce he’s dead, and not among the living? Can he even realize he’s dead?

That’s why, when someone announces, Did you hear Jones died? you’re surprised, and shout, Impossible. I just saw him a few months ago, and he looked great. Are you sure?

Seeking assurance, you ask to hear particulars of his passing. Jones, who did breathe, eat, work, and possessed a body, has now changed his status. That’s why funerals are so important. They enable people to see the person is actually dead, and hear everyone agreeing to that fact.

The difficulty arose when everyone talked and acted as if Joy was dead, but in people’s minds Joy was alive, and so to them she wasn’t dead. Such was the case with a not too sweet, not too innocent Joy, who was murdered at Plato’s Cave Resort and Spa. Everybody agreed she was alive, so was she dead?

Everyone saw her dead body, everyone agreed she was murdered, and yet everyone believed she was alive. The question was: is she dead, or is she alive, and who would decide? Would it be Joy’s dead body, or would it be the living, who were swearing Joy is alive, even if she was murdered. It was so confusing.

Such was the conundrum as Ed investigated the murder of Joy, with everyone agreeing with him she was murdered, and yet stubbornly maintaining she was alive. To unravel the question of the living dead, so popular today on TV and in movies, it’s best to follow Ed as he drove up to Plato’s Cave Resort and Spa.

Chapter 2. The PEEP Producers’ Retreat

Watching the mist beading up on his windshield, Ed thought how appropriate the cliché: it never rains but pours. During the four-hour drive to the exclusive Plato’s Cave Resort and Spa, Ed, the TV producer of True Cable Crime Shows gloomily reflected on the adages’ truth.

The first raindrops fell yesterday when Ed was ordered by Walter Witte, CEO and President of the Popular Education and Entertainment Programs’ Cable Corporation, (PEEP), to attend a retreat for the coming weekend at Plato’s Cave Resort and Spa by means of a four-line curt memo, followed by a phone command. No purpose given, but PEEP’s shows’ ratings were made public that morning, and that afternoon summons were issued to all four PEEP’s TV show producers to get their asses up to Plato’s Cave the next day.

The next day was Friday, and Ed had promised himself a weekend trip to Vegas with Virginia, his current live-in mistress, or to be socially proper, his significant other, for some sex and games, food and sun. He was planning to surprise Virginia with this ‘spur of the moment’ exciting, romantic trip, believing it was the reckless sudden adventure women love, putting them in a loving mood. Planning to leave Friday morning, returning Monday night, he was sure Virginia would go ape over the idea, and act accordingly in bed, a Vegas bed. Thursday’s PEEP memo and follow-up phone call rained on Ed’s plans and washed away any hopes for happiness.

Instead of springing his surprise trip on Virginia, he now had to tell her he would be going to the Plato’s Cave Resort and Spa for the weekend. She misunderstood and invited herself, complaining there wasn’t sufficient time to pack. What should she pack? Was it going to be formal or casual? She was floating two feet off the ground and was still rising with excitement at a weekend at the exclusive, expensive (redundant?) resort.

Ed had to quickly let out the helium from her balloon. The weekend is a working retreat for PEEP TV producers and corporate executives. Wives and girlfriends aren’t allowed.

To try to elicit sympathy from Virginia, Ed protested that since he’s a former detective and current producer of detective TV shows, he had been ordered to arrange a mystery play for the PEEP producers and executives to solve during the retreat. Virginia, CEO Witte wants me to come up with a mystery play one day before the weekend. Screw him and his preemptive commands. I’ve decided not to worry about it ‘til I get to the Cave.

And so, Friday afternoon found Ed driving to the Cave with a mind totally engaged in replaying the previous night with Virginia, and his unsuccessful struggle to overcome her complaints: why couldn’t she go, it was unfair, was he telling her the truth, was he taking someone else. She was sure there was someone else.

Once he had, with great exertions, parried all her complaints and arguments, he was surprised when she suddenly lapsed into silence. (When a woman is silent, she’s thinking, and if she’s thinking, the man must worry.) Barely conscious of the cars in front of him, Ed sadly reflected how his ‘girl,’ (At 29 she was numerically past the noun girl and had earned the designation of woman.), after digesting his solo weekend plans, informed him it would be best if they separated.

Separate! Where the hell did that come from? From tears and shouts, now she’s talking of separation. Hurt, Ed thought, Damn her. I was planning to take her on a grand surprise trip to Vegas, and this is how she repays me. Deep into self-pity, he was an injured innocent, betrayed, stabbed in the back, the victim of the one he trusted, cared for, yes, let us use the word loved. Women were bitches. He found it galling, all her talk about a separation being best for both. Eyeing the road’s white dashes racing by, Ed asked himself, Best for who? Virginia? Certainly not for me, you bitch.

At the time of her surprise announcement, while it was a surprise, its impact was muted by the unconscious feeling of relief, of being free of the burden of her in his life. He didn’t react with outrage or anger, but took her news with a complacency which surprised both. He had felt comfortable in their sexual relationship. Virginia was adequate, sometimes rising to a more than adequate level. She did present a sympathetic ear when needed, was an attractive companion to take to dinner, take to a show, a necessary person to complete the Christmas season, the Thanksgiving dinner, and summer vacations at the beach.

In retrospect, Ed should have realized the relationship was progressing too smoothly, and although he considered himself a perfect lover, a caring, attentive companion, there was just one thing to mar their relationship. It was the deal breaker, the wall all relationships smash against… the marriage proposal not tendered.

After a placid two years, Virginia was exhibiting the marriage itch, never overall explicit, only by insinuation, like at the take-out Chinese dinner three months ago, when conversation miraculously mined up the information a girl friend of hers became engaged. Being totally uninterested, Ed let that tickle go by. It was quickly followed by details of the friend’s coming nuptials: time, date, place, honeymoon venue, number of guests, etc.

To each item, he gave a nod, accompanied by uttering ‘sounds great,’ knowing he wasn’t anywhere near matching Virginia’s over-the-top excitement. He was currently fully occupied with some recalcitrant lo mein noodles fighting him for their life.

Virginia continued to attack his vague responses with more direct verbiage. You know all girls dream of the day they get married.

Ed gave the fact the same attention as knowing monkeys love bananas. Becoming aware of Virginia’s hammer-like hints, Ed knew she was ignited to a purpose, as any girl is when hearing of a girlfriend marrying, a distant relative marrying, a movie star marrying, a neighbor’s daughter marrying. With bride’s magazines casually opened, they begin to envision themselves walking arm in arm down the aisle filled with jasmine and blossoms.

Best to ignore the hints, no matter how heavy, and hope the dreaded direct marriage proposal, a not too subtle demand, may slip away with the lo mein noodles.

With experience gained from years of perilous practice at keeping his independence, employing the mental predisposition of a resistant donkey being pulled towards the altar, Ed stubbornly refused to carry on the conversation.

Other than the direct, either we marry or we’re through, which Virginia suspected was a nonstarter now, she let her hints fade away.

Ed felt relieved, mistakenly feeling the marriage situation had been successfully dodged for at least the next six months, when, the weekend after the lo mein struggle, Virginia felt the need to visit old college girlfriends who were having a girls’ weekend out. He knew the girls were on the downward slope to thirty, with no husbands, no children, no Cinderella beginnings. Being with single girls, Virginia would be surrounded with semi-professional women who talk down marriage, and talk up careers, and would be surrounded by fabulously rich, attentive boyfriends. The weekend Virginia left, Ed enjoyed his freedom. She could stress him with just her presence.

It was the second consecutive weekend of the girls’ ‘get together’ that should have pinched him in the ass. He was so relieved over the lack of marriage hints, he ignored the sexual axiom: single girls going out in a group, go out to meet boys… single women going out in a group, are out on the hunt for meat, any meat. Sadly, Ed realized with her sudden talk of separation, she must have met his replacement during one of the girls’ weekends. No way would she move out of his place without a softer, more attractive nest to fly into.

The night before the producers’ retreat at Plato’s, Ed was thankful and relieved Virginia was leaving him without the usual accompanying soap opera. Of course, there were the expected accusations concerning his lack of love and caring in their relationship, followed by his lack of commitment, followed by his fear of commitment, followed by her pitying him being so weak, so emasculated, followed by his selfishness, caring only for himself, and being incapable of caring for anyone else, followed by his fear of strong women. Finally, she concluded, I can’t believe it took me so long to realize how pathetic you are.

Suspecting his hunch about her weekend hunt’s success, Ed asked, Who’s the new guy, the one who’s so great, who’s the man I’m not?

Defending her chaste and loyal character, an insulted Virginia vehemently denied the existence of anyone new. Whether it was Ed complacently viewing the possibility of another man, or the guilty need to defend her character, Virginia raised her voice in loudly maintaining there was absolutely no one. Going into the feminist bible’s commandments, Virginia exclaimed she needed no one, was better off without a man in her life, could live happily alone, had her career to occupy her life. Taking a breath, she suddenly realized she was committing a mortal sin by violating the code of sisterhood… you never admit there is no one. There are always many men desiring you… rich, successful, handsome, caring, loving men.

As Ed was opening a fresh can of beer, and wondering why it took her so long to say, ‘so long,’ she felt impelled to tell him, Don’t think there aren’t plenty of men who would be glad to date me.

Through Ed’s mind flashed the thought, sixteen-year olds date; thirty-year olds spend the night, and are glad for the invite.

I could have my pick of many successful men.

Her low ranking of Ed on the masculine totem pole didn’t faze him. The fatigue over her soap opera elicited, I wish you the best of luck, forcing Virginia to unaccustomed honesty. If you think I’m going to be lonely, well I want to tell you, (from the time she started talking this was what she wanted and had to tell him,) ‘I’ve met a wonderful man. He meets all my needs. He supports my career, and is not afraid of successful strong women.

Drinking his beer, Ed realized the one breaking up always has a soft landing already picked out. The other, in this case himself, with no backup replacement, faced with a sudden breakup, emotionally unready for the relationship’s cleavage, usually reacts in justified anger. Confronted by Virginia’s success with another man, Ed was beginning to feel the way she expected him to react to the terrible volcanic blow of her leaving him for another.

To his honest question of when did she meet him, how long has she been cheating on him, she decided, now that Ed has finally been awakened and energized, it was best to go mysterious. She didn’t want to talk about the new man in her life. It wasn’t Ed’s business how they met, where they met, how long have they been meeting, what’s his name, what does he do for a living. She remained dumb to all of Ed’s inquiries. He will have to be satisfied with the knowledge that the other man was extremely intelligent, wealthy, physically endowed (in what way was left for Ed to struggle over), funny, attentive to a women’s needs, and possessing a beautiful vacation home. Other than these amorphous facts, she would not go further. It was none of Ed’s business.

It took a good part of three hours for her to pack her bags and words, allowing Ed to down six cans of beer before he finally closed the door on her, and only after she listed all her dishes, utensils, furniture, bath towels, etc., which she would send for later. Her last words as the door slammed were said to put a crushing period to their relationship. Ed should never try to get in touch with her, ever

Chapter 3. Alligator Balls

As Ed entered Plato’s Cave and Resort, the first person to attach herself to Ed was Deseri Omni, one of the PEEP TV producers. Known in the TV cable industry as the Fabulous Fatty Lady, not because she was fat, or fabulous, but because she made her money and reputation working with flab as the producer of the 600 Pounds of Fat Show. In truth, she was thin as a rail. Her weight at 116 pounds, (give or take 2 ounces) was the number Deseri often squeezed into conversations, particularly if a variation of several ounces was shouted out by her scale. Any change, if it was a loss, had to be triumphantly advised, but calamitously updated if a gain. She was completely oblivious to her public’s perception of her 46-year-old unappetizing skeletonized body, sculptured by a bulimia regimen. Seeing her was like seeing the usual TV news nightly presentation of a starving woman.

To underline the distortions of her body, she dressed like a 16-year-old cheerleader: bright colored short skirts, and armless tight jerseys showing protruding stick arms, and outlining invisible breasts. Using the logic of the illogical, she thought if her weight stayed the same as when she was 16, and she acted like a 16-year-old, dressed like a 16-year-old, then she’d appear to be16, and if everyone