Liberal Thought: Doing Nothing is Doing Something

By Charles Schwarz

Eight hilarious satirical essays depicting people who believe they lean forward, believe they know, say they know, give advice with what they know, and try to keep others from accomplishing risky historical challenges.
Included are the Antarctic Expedition, Constructing the Panama Canal, The Battle of Trenton, in addition to five other farcical stories exposing the naysayers, all written in the light comical style of Evelyn Waugh, and sure to amuse the reader.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Charles Schwarz
• Release date: May 29, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463131527

Book preview

The Smashwords Edition

LIBERAL THOUGHT –

DOING NOTHING IS DOING SOMETHING

8 hilarious, satirical, historical episodes from history

Charles E. Schwarz

Copyright © 2018 Charles E. Schwarz

All rights reserved.

Smashwords License Notes

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* * * * *

Disclaimer

This is a work of fiction, a product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance or similarity to any actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Formatting and cover by Debora Lewis arenapublishing.org

Cover photo courtesy Canstock.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Don’t Go Scotty

2. Burning Teddy’s Bear

3. Perilous Voyage

4. Westward Ho

5. Searching for Harmony

6. Decision at Christmas

7. Hit Him Hard, But Don’t Hurt Him

8. Fly Me to the Moon

About the Author

DON’T GO SCOTTY

Sir Meriwether, is that you entering this extraordinary meeting of the Royal Geographic Society?

The middle aged, plump, nearing the edge of fat, Sir Meriwether responded, My dear Sir Godfrey, you seem surprised to see me here. As a member of the Royal Society, and since the Royal Society is co-sponsoring this meeting of the Geographic Society, it should surprise no one that I’m here to observe the proceedings.

An apologetic Sir Godfrey said, Please, no offense was meant. It’s just that this meeting’s agenda is of particular geographic concern."

My dear Godfrey, there are many fascinating scientific byways adhering to the question before this Geographic meeting which concerns both Royal Societies. To attest to its extensive potential to affect various areas, let me point out the presence of Fleet Admiral Sir Beatty.

Agreeing, Sir Godfrey complained that the meeting was open to too many diverse people with different interests, which may easily bring any meeting to a chaotic end where nothing is resolved, and lines of demarcation between conflicting ideas are even more emphatically drawn. Take note! Over there. Isn’t that Churchill? And there, isn’t that labor leader Ramsay MacDonald sliding into the meeting hall holding hands with Lady Cissi, foremost leader in the women’s suffrage issue. And there is young Lord Ernest and his intellectual mentor John Dewey.

My dear Godfrey, I’m as perplexed as you. Look over there, isn’t that John Audubon, the ridiculous bird and flower person talking to that deranged Johnny Appleseed person? Damn me, in contradiction to all sense of decorum, Appleseed’s munching on an apple in the Society’s meeting room. What next? Picnic baskets?

Suddenly a bell called the meeting to order. There was a scuffle in the back of the auditorium with black Sir Sharpton fighting a Syrian Muslim for the privilege of sitting in the back, and thereby appear slighted and insulted. Sharpton won, and with great fanfare, showing his anguish, he sat down at the back of the meeting room. Forced to sit in the front, the Muslim shook his fist at Sharpton, and had to be restrained from throwing a shoe.

After everyone was seated, Sir Clement Markham, President of the Royal Geographic Society, with fulsome praise introduced Captain Robert Scott, the Society’s guest speaker to explain in detail his exciting proposal. The scattering of applause greeting Scott was marred by loud boos and hisses from Lady Cissi, Audubon, and their like-minded supporters. The boos and hisses lived on for a good two minutes after the applause died.

After thanking Sir Markham for his flattering introduction and indicating his appreciation to the Royal Societies for giving him the opportunity to present his ideas, Captain Scott walked over to an easel, and pulling aside a cloth sheet revealed a placard showing a large white irregular circle in a dark blue background. There was a huge black question mark in the circle’s center with a small British flag pinned to it.

With a pointer Scott hammered at the white circle, proclaiming Antarctica was the last unexplored continent. He paused for affect, and after getting only boos and hisses from Lady Cissi and her friends, he quickly added, I propose to lead an expedition to the South Pole and tie the British flag to that Antarctic pole. We, the British, must be, and will be the first to stand on the southernmost part of the world.

Disorder resulted from his announcement: some excited over the unique proposal, some frightened over the danger, some confused unable to adjust to the proposal’s idea, an idea they hadn’t read about, wasn’t reported on, wasn’t fully discussed, evaluated, or decided by the London Times editors.

To quell the growing murmurs of confusion, Scott continued to explain his proposal, The journey to the South Pole will be called the Terra Nova Expedition and will mainly focus on achieving geographic and scientific discoveries.

That brought a few laughs and exclamations: not true, be truthful, there is no science, from Lady Cissi, Audubon, and Appleseed, among others, marking them as vehement opponents to the Antarctic expedition.

A confused young Lord Ernest had to ask his education mentor Dr, John Dewey for a translation of Terra Nova. An irritated Dewey told him to look it up. It was the only way to learn.

From the lack of encouraging applause, it was obvious to Scott he had his work cut out. Dropping the science argument, he continued, Of course, there is the important element of national prestige for the British nation to have an Englishman be the first to stand on top of the southern pole.

Waving a small British flag, Churchill was first on his feet, shouting, Britain must be first. Britain is the first nation in the world.

Cambridge Professor of Social Sciences, Dr. John Dewey, author of texts showing how poverty can be eliminated, illegitimacy wiped out, ignorance destroyed, and wisdom made to flourish in the most blighted places, along with other texts and articles outlining the solutions to a myriad of other social problems, rose to argue, From numerous deep penetrating conversations with fellow Cambridge Humanities Professors, from the study of prestigious articles and journals written by Cambridge professors, and from reading profound books and texts published by the Cambridge Press, all extolled by The London Times, I know all that is relevant about Antarctica. From my extensive studies I can state definitely it’s a gigantic ice ball, and save for some penguins on its fringe, it’s absent of all life and has no semblance of vegetation. Given this, I ask Captain Scott to be honest in answering this august body, what possible addition to scientific knowledge will this wasteful trip add to mankind’s knowledge.

The mini oration with its questioning tail was greeted by applause from Lady Cissi and her crew.

Even Meriwether, leaning over to Sir Godfrey, whispered, That Dewey character certainly has a good point, to which Godfrey nodded his agreement.

From his worried expression, Captain Scott felt the same as he weakly argued, Until man has stood at the South Pole it will always remain a mystery. How frigid is it? How strong the winds? How strong the electric and magnetic fields? Can microscopic organisms exist at the Pole? What about–

Cut the crap, yelled Johnny Appleseed, It’s so damn cold nothing could live there. Even I couldn’t get an apple tree to grow there. This is just an ego trip on your part. The Terra Nova Expedition’s sole purpose is so you can run about saying you stood at the South Pole. Big deal, it’s not like you’re saving the environment by planting apple trees or purifying woodland streams.

Turning away from Captain Scott to face the audience, Appleton continued, I don’t want to alarm you, but at the Pole, in the frigid temperatures, all waste generated by this invasive army will never disintegrate but will mar for eternity the natural beauty of Antarctica. Future generations visiting Antarctica, even possibly wanting to vacation there, will be distressed by being unable to appreciate nature’s wonders. Instead of pure snow they will see the blight of food waste, human waste, abandoned machines, and shanty cabins. Gentlemen, and ladies, I beg you to keep Antarctica’s environment pristine for the future generations’ enjoyment, and not let it be forever destroyed.

Lady Cissi and her friends yelled, Save the environment for future visitors, and especially for the penguins.

Leaning towards Sir Meriwether, Godfrey whispered, "What they’re yelling is all absolute rot, but doesn’t save the environment, and the penguins sound nice."

Meriwether whispered back, True, it is nonsense, but it does give me a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach.

In response to Appleton, Captain Scott reasoned the expedition will leave the smallest footprint, a ballerina’s slipper touching lightly on snow to be quickly obliterated by the wind.

Audubon sprang up from behind Lady Cissi to ask about animals. Will some artistic person be taken on the expedition to draw portraits of cuddly penguins, cute seals, loveable walruses in watercolor?

Again, turning to the audience, Audubon told them if this crazy expedition is to proceed, at least five artists must accompany it.

Lady Cissi and friends all agreed; agreed on having artists on board, not on having the expedition go forth.

Taken back by the request, Captain Scott was able to answer, As part of the scientific contingent, a person of photographic ability will be included. In fact, we plan extensive use of photography to visually document the journey to the Pole.

The young Lord Ernest, a recent Cambridge graduate of Sociology who is noted for his lavish parties on his various estates to raise awareness of poverty, stood to say, Damn it. I’ve got you now. Smiling with satisfaction at his pronouncements, he gave Professor Dewey a five-finger wave, who waved back. For a few moments, Lord Ernest remained silent in the belief everyone got his I got you accusation. Frowning, realizing a further explanation was needed, he proceeded to give one to enlighten those who hadn’t matriculated at Cambridge. Captain Scott is planning to use the Terra Nova Expedition to enrich himself. Then, with a gun forefinger aimed at Scott, Lord Ernest damned Scott to hell with the accusation, He’s planning this trip to make money.

Lord Ernest paused so that gasps and shrieks of horror from the crowd would have room to be heard. He continued, Scott may present himself as a self-sacrificing explorer and scientist, but I, here and now, proclaim it’s all about the money Scott plans to make when he sells the expedition’s story to the papers and book publishers. Everyone knows he will garner untold wealth lecturing to the public, and staging photo exhibitions, as well as selling photographs to the tabloids. I ask you to strip, yes strip away all the self-serving propaganda, and what do you see but venial plans to enrich Captain Scott and some rich corporate speculators at the public expense. I repeat–

Unable to let a former student have the last word, Professor Dewey loudly interrupted Lord Ernest to ask if Captain Scott was planning to share equally with the entire crew the monies the expedition earns, or (a pause to allow the audience to anticipate the question), Are you planning to keep all the profits for yourself?

Responding to her learned stimulus, Lady Cissi rose, and waving a lace hanky cried out, For shame, for shame, She spoke for the audience consisting of people who made their fortunes without sharing, and now were all for sharing, just not their money.

Labor Leader Ramsay MacDonald, hearing workers, hearing wages, floated to his feet to yell, Will the crew be organized? I’ll put a picket around the ship if the entire crew isn’t organized and properly unionized. Tell me, is there going to be a ship’s union steward aboard to protect the workers’ rights and enforce the contract? There must be a union contract, and I volunteer to write it.

Captain Scott quickly replied, I will set forth the crews’ wages according to their level of skill and participation in the expedition.

After an angry Lord Ernest yelled, Income inequality, Scott continued, As for command structure, the Captain of the Terra Nova vessel will oversee the voyage ‘til we’re on the Antarctic ice shelf, then I must and will have sole authority in all matters.

Eyes bulging with hate, Lord Ernest screamed, Fascism! while the aghast labor leader Ramsay rhetorically asked, When and where will the democratic workers’ meetings be held? They’re absolutely necessary to decide on policies effecting working conditions such as working hours, and the quantity and quality of food.

Ramsey pushing down Dewey who was struggling to stand said, I propose a five-hour day, and at least two servings of fresh vegetables, one serving of fruit, to be part of the workers’ daily meals.

From her seated position, Lady Cissi blessed Ramsey telling him he was a good, caring man.

MacDonald, with eye on what really matters, demanded that at least ten percent of all profits be given to the workers’ union to compensate for all the work the union does for the workers.

Attacked with vehemence from all quarters, Captain Scott was rendered speechless with outrage, forcing the Royal Geographic Society President Markham to reassure the audience that of course Captain Scott will do all that is possible for his crew, and being an officer in His Majesty’s Navy, will do what is right financially to the expedition members.

With these reassurances from the President, Lady Cissi, Dewey, Ernest, and their supporters, temporarily quieted but far from satisfied, allowed Scott to continue with his presentation, I plan to land the supplies, dogs and ponies on the Ross Ice Shelf, and then proceed to the Pole leaving supply depots along the route to resupply the returning team.

One point, a most important point, an angry black Sir Sharpton yelled from an auditorium’s back seat, "What will be the racial makeup of your crew? Will an African Britton accompany you to the Pole and have his picture taken standing next to the Pole? Will he be prominently positioned? Will he be a proud and strong black? Let me tell you, if you don’t have a confident smiling black face next to you, hugging you at the Pole, my friends and I will put a double whammy on you and your expedition. Now what do you say to that? And I repeat, not a single, but a double