Don't Read This Book

By Michael Luketich

Finally, a book that you can feel good about not reading.

Have you ever bought a book that you never seem to get around to actually reading? And now it sits on your shelf, desk, nightstand, e-reader, or even floor unread. Perhaps you look at it every so often and think "I really should read that book." But you never do.

Don't Read This Book solves that problem. It is a book designed not to be read. Utilizing a panoply of devices, the author actively attempts to get you to stop reading the book.

In a world of "fake news" and "fake reviews," Don't Read This Book is a welcome respite. It is precisely what it appears to be: there is no hidden message, no moral of the story, and indeed, no story. Instead, from start to finish, the book demands, begs, and cajoles you to not read it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Luketich
• Release date: Feb 2, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386124108

Book preview

DISCLAIMER

The purpose of this book is to sit on your e-reader so that you can have a book on your virtual shelf entitled Don’t Read This Book. That is its only purpose.

However, as a matter of personal preference, I am not a fan of this rash of blank books whereby someone who came up with a cover that they thought was funny fill it with blank pages. If I am going to participate in the wasting of bytes for the purpose of creating a book, I want that book to have words. So this book has words: lots of words. The words are intended for taking up space and looking impressive upon a mere cursory glance, like old books purchased in bulk because their spines have the desired patina.

While you certainly can read the words in this book, I strongly recommend against it. In fact, I am going to spend the rest of this book trying to convince you to quit reading it.

FOREWARNING

Well, this is awkward. You see, I thought the title of this book was a sufficient deterrent to anyone actually buying it, let alone, you know, reading it. I do not want you to read this book and, now that you have begun, I would greatly appreciate it if you would just stop. Any time would be good. For example, now would be good. Just stop reading now.

Still with me? Huh. I can see that you are the kind of person who does not follow conventional rules. What is good for the proverbial average Joe is not good enough for you. I respect that. And maybe you have a little bit of a stubborn streak in you. You have disregarded the title and the first paragraph and are ready to just kind of stick with this for a little longer and see where it goes. Let me save you some time. It does not go anywhere. Ever. It will not teach you anything. It will not make you a better person, and, if its failure to ever progress anywhere sufficiently irritates you, may actually make you a worse person. It will just eat up time from your life that could be better spent watching slow-drying paint attempt to dry in whatever conditions it is certain to never actually dry. So, just go ahead and save yourself some time and quit reading now.

Ugh. You are sure committed to reading, aren’t you? Well, there is something to be said for that. The world could always use more dedicated readers. And I would hate to see you lose that quality. It is such a wonderful quality after all. It would be a shame if reading this book that was not meant to be read cost you any more than the money you or someone else have spent on it and the scant amount of time you have already invested in reading this so far. In fact, I would feel horrible if your inability to understand when a book truly did not want to be read resulted in your unwillingness to read books that did want to be read. To preserve one more reader in this crazy world, go ahead and quit now.

Still here? Fine. Maybe you are the kind of reader who is committed to getting something from any book you read. Okay. Sure. I can appreciate that. You want something from this book? I will give you the most common takeaway that people gain from most books. You are fantastic and everything you have ever thought has been absolutely right and you should just keep living life just the way you are living it.

There. Satisfied? No? Well, let’s be honest... you’re the one who started reading a book entitled "Don’t Read This Book" so I am not sure what kind of satisfaction you were expecting to get from this experience. Given that I have no clue what on Earth has possessed you to open this book, let alone continue reading well past the point that my mother (who believes I am the world’s greatest [whatever it is I am currently doing or talking about doing]) would have given up, there is absolutely no chance I can craft a book that will give you satisfaction. Sorry, but disappointment might as well have been the title of this book. In fact, it was a preliminary title, but I thought someone might want to read that.

Look, I do not understand why you are still here. I have some ideas, but none of them are very complimentary about you, so I will keep them to myself. For now. But this is the book. Truly. The entire book. It is not worth reading. It was not worth writing. It should not exist. But it does and the entire world is just a little worse off because it exists.

Even now, some token amount of energy is being expended to ensure this book is saved on a hard drive or cloud or wherever it is that you have placed this copy. And that miniscule amount of energy, worth something in the neighborhood of $0.00000000000001 over our lifetimes is pure waste.

With all of that said, if you must persist in reading to the first chapter, I cannot stop you: I have already done as much as I could do.

I.

So, you made it through to the first chapter? Wow. You are dedicated. To what, I’m not sure. But I will concede that you have more dedication than I would.

Have I told you yet that I did not have anyone edit this book? Nobody. Not even one of those non-native English speakers who will proofread e-books for $5. Nobody. Now, I should not have to tell you how important a good editor can be. A good editor can mold a steaming pile of monkey feces into something resembling art. Even a bad editor can make life a little more bearable for readers. Books without editors: