Darkness Surrounds (Living A Lie #2)

By M.L Kacy

Darkness surrounds me, a dreary, cold, place with no escape.

Feeling lost, alone and confused I’m sucked deep into my own mind.

A place I soon became comfortable in, a place where I can hide.

The darkness becomes my respite, my shelter.

A buffer from the devastation of my own broken dreams.

Trapped in my own mind I search in circles for
answers.

Surviving but not living, my heart bleeding and broken from my loss.

Torn up by guilt, thoughts of being punished for some perceived fault.

Confusion and turmoil become my only companions.

I need to start living again they tell me - but could I?

Do I have the strength to crawl my way out of my own mind?

Then again, do I really want to?

If I do escape the void will I still be me and if not, can I accept the person I’ve become?

Follow my journey in part two of my Living A Lie Series.

**BE WARNED: Some descriptions are vivid and can be a trigger for sensitive readers.

**Graphic
**Sexual Content
**Language
**Suitable for ages 18 and over

• Language: English
• Publisher: M.L Kacy
• Release date: Aug 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370633531

M.L Kacy

I have been involved in the indie community for a number of years and have always loved how everyone comes together in support of each other. I love writing and reading, living life with my family, and always coming up with new ideas and putting then in to practice. I hope you all will join me on this journey.

Book preview

Copyright

Copyright © 2017 M.L. Kacy

The moral right of the Author has been asserted.

All characters and events within the story, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

All rights reserved.

No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the prior permission, in writing of the Author and owner of the publication. Nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Acknowledgements

First of all, I would like to thank the fantastic Julie Holland Devenport, she is an inspiration and always knows when to put me on the right track. Her editing skills are second to none, and without her this book would not have been completed.

Thank to my family for bearing with me, whilst I finish this book.

I would also like to thank my team at Obsessed by Books, they are such a great support and are more like family.

Thank you to the women of the Sexy Team, you are always there when advice is needed.

To my author friends, you know who you are, thank you for the support you have given me throughout this process.

To you the readers, you are all fantastic, thank you for taking a chance on a debut author.

Also by M.L. Kacy

Living A Lie Series

Living A Lie  -  Out Now

Darkness Surrounds  -  Out Now

Redemption  -  Coming Soon

Standalone

Saving Alexa  -  Coming Soon 2018

Guardian’s Series – Paranormal

Kyros  -  Coming Soon 2018

Blurb

Darkness surrounds me, a dreary, cold, place with no escape.

Feeling lost, alone and confused I’m sucked deep into my own mind.

A place I soon became comfortable in, a place where I can hide. 

The darkness becomes my respite, my shelter. 

A buffer from the devastation of my own broken dreams. 

Trapped in my own mind I search in circles for 

answers. 

Surviving but not living, my heart bleeding and broken from my loss.

Torn up by guilt, thoughts of being punished for some perceived fault. 

Confusion and turmoil become my only companions.

I need to start living again they tell me - but could I?

Do I have the strength to crawl my way out of my own mind? 

Then again, do I really want to?

If I do escape the void will I still be me and if not, can I accept the person I’ve become?

Follow my journey in part two of my Living A Lie Series.

**BE WARNED: Some descriptions are vivid and can be a trigger for sensitive readers.**

**Graphic

**Sexual Content

**Language

**Suitable for ages 18 and over

Chapter One

I awakened with an unpleasant feeling of dizziness, and nausea. When I tried to open my eyes, I found the light made it worse. The operation was over, my baby gone. Tears flowed down my face but I couldn’t move to wipe them away. Pain was the only thing I could feel and not just physically.

There was a drip attached to my arm, pumping in fluids and whatever else was in the bag hanging from the stand. My eyes were still shut, but I sensed there was someone in the room with me. A blood pressure cuff was being put around my arm, and the sounds of the beeping machine were louder than expected, piercing my eardrums and making them hurt. I guess the nurse didn’t notice I was awake; I preferred it that way as it meant I didn’t have to engage in a conversation; I wanted to be left alone.

There was darkness surrounding me. No light at the end of the tunnel, a dreary, cold, place where there was no escape. Just me, alone deep within my own mind, somewhere I didn’t want to leave. Life was shit now, my heart breaking into a million and one pieces - never to be repaired again. Would I even be the same person? I don’t

want to sleep as all my dreams are centred around babies, pregnancy, and loss – so even there I can’t get away from it all either.

I was moving along the corridor, still lying on the hospital bed as I passed through door after door. I stopped, another door opened, and I was pushed into what I assumed to be my room on the ward. The bed was placed back into the position that it was in previously, and the brakes put back on. Whoever it was leaves and closes the door behind them.

I was alone again, silence surrounds me, outside noise buffered by the door being closed. No one will bother me now. No one will ask me if I’m okay, bug me or show sympathy. I don’t need all that crap right now, haven’t got the energy to deal with it. I prefer to be just like this, alone, in my own dark mind. Sleep was what I craved. Quiet, dreamless sleep, although I knew that wouldn’t happen, but a girl could wish.

So much for a dreamless sleep after I was awoken by my own screams. I dreamt of giving birth, and then my baby disappearing, just vanishing out of my arms. Hot, big fat tears streamed down, my face, nose running like it was

doing the 100-metre sprint. God knows what I looked like, red faced, puffy eyes, snot leaking. Did I care, no, not in the least, there was nothing left to look good for. I just wanted to go home, lock myself in so I could shut the outside world out. I was supposed to be going home today after the consultant visited. A check-up, medication dispensed, then mum would be here to take me. A taxi would be a better option, then I wouldn’t have had to speak at all. I knew it sounded cruel, but I just needed time to myself and space.

The consultant arrived around 10am, this was yet again a different one. A man, who looked to be in his thirties, big, black rimmed glasses, and he had that geeky look about him. Also, he looked like he was one of those self-entitled men, the type that looked down their noses at you, just because you didn’t have the most sort after bag. Those that would think that you were no better than shit on their expensive leather shoes. Wearing a blue, pinstriped shirt, with no creases whatsoever, black pinstriped trousers and a black pinstriped tie. There seem to be a pinstripe theme going on, he was immaculate, clean shaven, hair neatly groomed.

He pulled the chair closer to the bed and takes a seat, putting one leg over the other. He had a scent of an old men’s aftershave, like Old Spice. Reminds me of what my dad used to wear. Flipping open my notes, he

proceeded to read through, still not uttering a word to me. How rude, I think to myself, I wished that he’d hurry up and get it over with, he was grating on my last nerve. After five minutes, had passed, he looked up, and pushed his glasses back up as they had fallen down his nose. Clearing his throat, he finally spoke.

Morning Rhea, I’m Dr. Theobald, how are you feeling this morning?

OMFG, that voice of his, sounded like he had been inhaling a helium balloon, it was squeaky as fuck. How annoying!

I’m fine, just wanting to go home.

He started writing in my notes, I was trying to peek so I knew what he was writing.

I understand that Rhea, but you have been through an emotional experience and I need to make sure that you are well enough to be discharged.

Everything is fine, I’m fine, I feel fine.

I know that I was probably sounding bitchy, but I couldn’t have cared less. He was really getting on my nerves, and he had no patient skills whatsoever.

He continues scribbling away, without making eye contact he states, How is the pain, are you passing urine and stools okay?

The answer is yes to all of those questions, but I feel that I can heal better in the comfort of my own home.

Well if that’s the case, I’ll discharge you, I’m sending you home with some painkillers. Also, be aware that you will have bleeding for up to two weeks. Any signs of your wound not healing or the bleeding persists after two weeks please contact us.

Will do.

He continued to scribble in my notes. I tried to decipher what he was writing, but it looked like chicken scratch to me. If I couldn’t read what he had written, then how would the nurses? He got up from the chair, and started to walk towards the door.

Okay Rhea, I will let the nurses know that you are being discharged so they can get your medication form to the pharmacy.

With that he was gone, and I could revert to what I was previously doing. Hopefully it shouldn’t take long to get everything organised, then I could be on my way -and in the safety of my own home. Locked away from the rest of the world. I thought that I had better let my mum know I was ready to be discharged. I knew that she would want to make sure I was alright, so I would have to put my game face on - hide everything which was going on inside of my head. Then I changed my mind about calling. She would be here soon anyway, so there was no point making her come sooner and then having to wait with me. I lay back down on my side, closed my eyes and waited.

I must have fallen asleep as I was awoken to someone stroking my face. Slowly opening my eyes, I look to see that mum has arrived, and was now sitting in the chair next to the bed. You could see the concern in her face, and it looked like she hadn’t been sleeping well as there were dark bags under her eyes.

Hey mum, I said in as much as an upbeat voice that I could muster. I didn’t want her worrying anymore about me than she already was.

Hey baby, how you are feeling?

I’m okay mum, just cannot wait until I get home.

She nodded her head in understanding, well as much understanding as she could. Only people that have gone through this can truly understand what it feels like.

"Well your medication is ready, all you need to do is get dressed and I’ll take you home.’

Upon hearing that, I threw the covers back, got up and walked to the bathroom. I did my business, flushed the toilet and then stood in front of the mirror above the sink. I look a mess, my hair was greasy, dark bags under my eyes, with a red blotchy face. My teeth felt like they had a film across them, so I remedied that straight away. I brushed rigorously, to a point that it made my gums bleed. I washed my face and brushed my hair, putting it up in a messy bun. A shower could wait until I was home. Stepping out of my hospital gown, I put on the jogging bottoms and t-shirt that I had brought in with me.

Taking one last look in the mirror, I was ready to leave. I probably looked a mess, but being immaculate wasn’t high on my list. Mum was still sitting in the chair when I came out of the bathroom. It looked like she had packed my stuff, as there was a holdall sat on the bed. Walking over to the bed, I could feel mum’s eyes following my every movement, probably watching closely, making sure that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. If she had of asked the question, I wouldn’t have been able to answer it truthfully as it would hurt her too much. Some things are better left unsaid. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I pulled on my trainers and I was ready to leave.

You ready Rhea?

Yeah mum, let’s get home.

Mum was the first one to the door. Opening it, she allowed me to exit first and I spotted the nurses at the nurse’s station, deep in conversation. One looked up and you could see the sympathy in her eyes. Look after yourself Rhea, she said as I was leaving. Slowly, I walked away, mum trailing behind me as I leave the confines of the ward, following the signs to the exit. The corridors were cold, quiet and smelt of disinfectant, a smell I’ve always associated with hospitals. Hospitals were not a happy place, the labour ward being the only exception. You go because you’re ill, or you’ve had an accident - and sometimes you never come out the same person.

I was lost in my thoughts as I followed mum like a lost puppy. Mum was quiet, she always knew when I need to be in my own little world, never pushing until she felt it was necessary. Finally, we reached the exit after travelling along numerous corridors, mum led me to where her car was parked. Unlocking the doors with her keys, then opening the boot, she placed my holdall in there. Shutting it, she moved to the driver’s side and got in.

I was standing there lost, feeling like I’m leaving something behind, which in essence I was - my baby.

Rhea, sweetie, are you getting in the car?

Her voice released me from my thoughts and I got in. Once I’d secured my seat belt, mum drove out of the car park and headed towards home.

Chapter Two

The drive home was a quiet one. Mum stole quick glances at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. Upon reaching our destination, mum parks the car on the drive, switches off the engine and just sits there.

Rhea, you okay baby?

Yeah mum, just want to get in and have a shower. I need to get this hospital smell off me, and clean the mess that they’ve left on me.

For the operation, they covered my stomach with Betadine, an iodine solution that was used to disinfect the skin. So, I had an orangey brown stain all over my stomach area now - a reminder which I didn’t need. Opening the door, I exited the car, walked round to the boot and retrieved my bag. Mum was already unlocking the front door, so I just walked in to the house, setting my bag by the door.

Everything was the same way I had left it the morning of my scan appointment. Clean and tidy,