Barack Obama and the Politics of Pussy: Fired Up!

By Tyler Withrow

In the fall of 2004, I began obsessively studying politics. A lot of people misuse the term “obsessively,” so allow me to clarify. For an average of seven hours a day, I did one or more of the following: Read about politics, discussed politics, listened to political talk radio (both on the right and left), wrote about politics, or just sat and thought about shit related to politics.

Nothing but politics for an average of seven hours a day, every single day, for six years. I did this because I was writing a screenplay about the Presidency and I wanted a believable non-partisan political backdrop. That is a hell of a lot of research to do for a movie that would never get the Green Light, especially since I do not care at all about the subject matter.

But I did it, and now I’m going to fling that shit at you like an angry monkey.

Back to me being smarter than you: It’s not because of the thousands upon thousands of hours of research. It’s because of how I did that research, which was Vulcan style. I shelved my emotions and weighed each argument on its merits, instead of how I felt about it or how someone was telling me how to feel about it.

This book, (and keep in mind that it was free, you cheap fuck), will be presented in a way to get you to think about the issues and not feel anything. My goal is not just to make you dead inside like I am. It’s to make it frighteningly clear that you are being abused.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tyler Withrow
• Release date: Apr 2, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476484587

Tyler Withrow

I am currently studying necromancy and hope to raise the dead to destroy the world as you know it and rebuild it in my own image. I also enjoy using the juicer that I have broken twice. Fresh fruit is beyond the limit of my budget, but I found that when spoiled, grocery stores just throw them out. I need penicillin with my juice, but it is affordable and environmentally friendly.

Book preview

Barack Obama and the Politics of Pussy: Fired Up!

By Tyler Withrow

Barack Obama and the Politics of Pussy: Fired Up!

By

Tyler Withrow

Smashwords Edition

* * * * *

Published by Tyler Withrow at Smashwords

Barack Obama and the Politics of Pussy: Fired Up!

Copyright 2012 by Tyler Withrow

Editing, cover design, book design and production by The Godfather.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Welcome new subscriber! Now that you are a member of the elite band of miscreants pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, I can let you in on a secret…I FUCKING HATE POLITICS!

Why write a political book? Because I’m smarter than you. Oh no, he didn’t. Yes I did, and I’ll tell you why: Because I’m tired of being smarter than you.

In the fall of 2004, I began obsessively studying politics. A lot of people misuse the term obsessively, so allow me to clarify. For an average of seven hours a day, I did one or more of the following: Read about politics, discussed politics, listened to political talk radio (both on the right and left), wrote about politics, or just sat and thought about shit related to politics.

Nothing but politics for an average of seven hours a day, every single day, for six years. I did this because I was writing a screenplay about the Presidency and I wanted a believable non-partisan political backdrop. That is a hell of a lot of research to do for a movie that would never get the Green Light, especially since I do not care at all about the subject matter.

But I did it, and now I’m going to fling that shit at you like an angry monkey.

Back to me being smarter than you: It’s not because of the thousands upon thousands of hours of research. It’s because of how I did that research, which was Vulcan style. I shelved my emotions and weighed each argument on its merits, instead of how I felt about it or how someone was telling me how to feel about it.

This book, (and keep in mind that it was free, you cheap fuck), will be presented in a way to get you to think about the issues and not feel anything. My goal is not just to make you dead inside like I am. It’s to make it frighteningly clear that you are being abused.

You are being abused, not just being used. To be used, you are manipulated into believing a false premise in order to vote for the candidate who is pulling your strings as puppet master. Abuse is when the person that is hurting you gets you to hate anyone that disagrees with them, and you don’t know anything about the issue at all.

All you know is that you hate every person that dares to question why you have two black eyes.

I fell into the door twice!

No you didn’t. He’s hitting you again, isn’t he?

RACIST!

I’ve read 83 books like the one I’m writing for you now, 42 by conservatives and 41 by liberals. All were hatchet jobs against the beliefs of politicians in the opposing party. I will take jabs at Republicans and Conservatives when appropriate, but I in no way intend this to be bipartisan with respect to whom I’m talking shit about.

Nor am I trying to be a kingmaker. Although it would be awesome to influence the Presidential Election of 2012, I would rather cause hard-on’s across the nation to read/buy my deliciously inappropriate material.

The election is a win-win for me. If Barack Obama loses, then I get to have a future and get some pussy. Oh, how I long for the pussy.

College kids out there, save yourself until you find that special pussy that fills your heart with joy and mirth, and your penis with blood. You’ll know she’s the one when that pussy smells like cinnamon.

However, if Barack Obama wins a second term, it will cause the complete collapse of the global economy, and I don’t get any pussy. Well, I might. I might end up with that former Soviet Bloc pussy that smells like pickled brine and death.

How is that a win? I’m bitter. Not because of the race-baiting tyrant in the White House who needs attention so badly that he does exclusive interviews with People Magazine.

I know that America’s Enemies will fear us when they see a picture of the world’s most powerful man underneath a lavish pictorial of Kim Kardashian crying because her marriage only lasted seventeen hours.

I’m bitter because we all know damn well that it doesn’t matter who wins the election a few months from now, I ain’t getting any pussy. I want the next generation to have success. I want them to have job opportunities and the motivation and determination to reach their full potential.

Most of all, I want them to have pussy. Someone must, or the human race shall become extinct. But if Barack Obama wins a second term, there will be no free-range pussy for my Bro-Hamsters on the prowl. There will be no prom-night-pussy. There will be no why am I always the bridesmaid and never the bride Maid-of-Honor-pussy.

There will be no Sorority-pussy. No cheerleader-pussy. No, Tyler, you said that if I dressed up like Supergirl you would meet my parents pussy.

Angry liberals: If you are getting stomach cramps because I am saying that Barack Obama is going to take away the nation’s pussy, then you are not my Bro-Hamster. You are a Bitch-Gerbil (BG), who has absolutely no idea where I’m going with this…because even I don’t.

So calm the fuck down and debate my point instead of getting so angry because I disagree with you that you can’t even appreciate how many different types of pussy there are.

Regular liberals: I consider you to be my Bro-Hamsters and I hope you feel the same about quirky old Tyler Withrow.

To save this nation’s pussy, I have decided to go on the campaign trail. I want to get myself a little Champaign and tail during the process.

You the reader have a choice: You can be methodical to the point where you are a borderline sociopath, or you can be a Bitch-Gerbil who gets angrier and angrier because you disagree with me, instead of staying calm until you can articulate why you disagree with me.

Here’s an analogy that has served me well: You are about to play a game of chess. If you play the game like me, you will do the following before you start:

Deep Breathing Exercises

Meditation

Pop a few horse tranquilizers

Punch your pig while listening to Bryan Adams

Think about what you know about the opponent’s strategy

Punch your pig while thinking about your opponent’s strategy

Ejaculate onto the chair of a coworker that you hate

Weep softly at your broken dreams

I come to the table ready to calmly stomp the life out of the person I’m playing against. I don’t think about anything other than what moves I think they are going to make and I don’t think about how people wanted me to hate my opponent.

Hating the opposition for what they might do is how the people that have conditioned you to support them get you to ignore everything but your hate. Good luck with that.

Here is what Bitch-Gerbils do when they play a game of chess:

Rant about Fox News even though they don’t watch it and don’t know anyone that does

Talk about Sarah Palin who has no political power other than the opinion that BG’s are taught to hate instead of disagree with

Rant about how racist everyone else is for trying to treat a black president by the same standards as a white president

Jerk-off while watching the State of the Union Address

Scream things like Obama has to spend that much money to get out of the Bush debt (There will be a chapter on that, because it was actually said to me)

Scream the word fascist with no context

Brand someone a racist. Don’t think about listening to their racist opinion, or trying to figure out a way to justify the stigma with anything resembling logic. Logic is the white man’s game to keep the black man in chains. BLACK POWER!

Okay, you are probably focused on the black power thing. Instead, focus on the fact that nothing listed above has anything to do with the game of chess, or in any way helps you to think for yourself.

What you think of me is meaningless. The existence of D’Agina has destroyed my reputation forever. I’m cool with that. What is important is that if you ever want pussy again, you will stay calm and come up with an intelligent response to what I say.

If you want to hate me, there are dozens of pages of blogs and hundreds of pages of e-books to stoke your rage fire. Burn baby, burn. But you will never succeed in life if you can’t calm your shit down and think about someone else’s opinion.

You will always have someone to blame, but you will never have anything to take pride in. That’s the path of a coward. If you are a Bitch-Gerbil, I wish you the best in your world of misery and hate.

If you are a Bro-Hamster, please enjoy the book.

Chapter 1: Fired Up!

The idea for this stemmed from two of my favorite things in life; solving the Rubix Cube and getting high like it was going out of style.

During the past year and a half, I was blessed enough to stay out of the political arena during a complete nervous breakdown because I wanted to take care of my paralyzed dog. I didn’t watch TV because I don’t have cable and I didn’t web surf because I don’t have Internet access at home.

I have a couple of jaw-droppingly awful stories about Bitch-Gerbils and their fucking politics when I was trying to take care of my dog, but those will have to wait. What is important is why I got back in the game.

The largest conservative talk radio station in Denver is 850 KOA. When I had my third weed-relapse, starting at the beginning of this year, I turned on the radio to listen to some tunes as I scrambled a stack of 25 cubes. Twenty-five is the standard evening stack to do when I’m high.

Johnny-Law, please understand that I no longer do drugs. Because I ran out. Do you have any? Put the pepper-spray down, I’ll come quietly.

The radio was on 850 KOA because I listen for traffic and weather in the morning, (I’m such a corporate sellout). The show that was on at the time was Coast-to-Coast a.m. If you have not heard that show, stop reading and go find it. NOW!

I used to describe every new thing that I liked as the greatest thing ever. I can’t do that anymore because nothing will compete with Coast-to-Coast as long as I haunt this earth like a damned spirit.

I was baked, solving the cube and listening to the host discuss dragons with his guest. If you can tell me about a more enjoyable evening than that, (that doesn’t involve the pussy that neither of us is going to get), then you and I are going to throw down in a debate before I even get into politics.

Nothing is more fun than being high and listening to dragon discussions while solving a Rubix Cube. NOTHING!

The dragon interview was ruined by the top of the hour newsbreak, which included a snippet of the President’s stump speech at a college. Why the fuck does he have to give so many speeches?

This is a question for both Bro-Hamsters and Bitch-Gerbils: If you were me, (please don’t kill yourself, it is only an analogy), what would you rather listen to: A) The president telling you to hate people, or B) A guy talking about his friend who is a dragon?

I have the misfortune of being me, so I will tell you that the answer is B. The dude had a dragon friend, and I wanted to get down on that. Imagine how cool it would be to have a dragon. Someone cuts you off in traffic, send the dragon after them. Is your boss mean to you? Let’s see if he is such hot-shit when you walk in there with your dragon.

That could go on for several more pages, and would have, but I didn’t get a chance to properly reflect on the pros and cons of having a Dragon-American friend. And make no mistake, the dragon is your friend and not your pet. You treat a dragon like a pet and you wake up with third degree burns in a bed that is on fire.

Isn’t that fun? Isn’t it fun to think about dragons? I think so. But oh no, Obama has to win reelection and he has nothing to campaign on but failure, so he pivoted and now campaigns on hate.

I want a dragon. That has nothing to do with the President or his despotism. Typing all that stuff about dragons made me realize that there is a dragon shaped hole in my heart.

Since the President’s one-billionth speech is what dragged me kicking and screaming out of my dragon reverie, I’m going to include it now with my thoughts on what he is saying. A game that both parties play in politics is taking things out of context.

Search for Obama at the University of Michigan on YouTube and you will have the background on what I’m saying. I’m going to go off the transcript. Other than the snippet that ruined my dragon thoughts, I have not seen or heard any of this speech until right now.

BO= Barack Obama. Let us begin.

The President said it was good to be back in Ann Arbor. I do not know what is in his heart, so I will say that he is being honest when he says that. A woman says that she (possibly a he, the transcript doesn’t specify) loves BO and BO reciprocates. Again, I’ll take this at face value.

BO makes a joke about congress and busts out his blackness, because Denard Robinson is in the house. The President likes to do this. With the Congressional Black Caucus, he was droppin’ his G’s like he was Chris Rock’s opening act.

BG’s, I want you to ponder somethin’ with respect to the