You Can Keep That to Yourself: A Comprehensive List of What Not to Say to Black People, for Well-Intentioned People of Pallor

By Adam Smyer

“An alphabetized short list of things not to say to African-Americans . . . Smyer’s hilarious sampler offers astute observations on race and culture.” —Publishers Weekly

Greetings, well-intentioned person of pallor!

Your good intentions used to be enough. But in these diverse and divisive times, some people would hold you accountable for your actions. You were not raised for such unfairness. You need help. Now, Daquan—that black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends—is here to give you that help, as you navigate perilous small talk with African Americans.

How to use: Whenever you are confronted with an African American and you feel compelled to blurt out an observation about her hair or to liken your Tesla lease to slavery, take a moment to consult this reference. If the keen insight you want to share is listed herein . . . you can keep that to yourself.

“By turns funny, sarcastic, and possibly true for many Black (and non-Black) Americans . . . While there is humor throughout, there is also a strong sense of anger, annoyance, and weariness when it comes to the Black experience in America. And though Smyer is addressing white people specifically, his humor can be appreciated by anyone who needs a good chuckle (and an education).” —Library Journal

“A balm for tongues bitten and comments swallowed . . . A bitingly humorous compendium of the absurd subtle racism of the American workplace.” —Kirkus Reviews

• Language: English
• Publisher: Akashic Books
• Release date: Sep 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781617758973

Book preview

Table of Contents

You Can Keep That to Yourself

About Adam Smyer

HELLO, WELL-INTENTIONED PERSON OF PALLOR!

It’s Daquan—the black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends.

You are reading this book because you want to know what not to say. They get mad at you when you say the wrong thing. But no one will tell you, up front, what not to say. Well, I will tell you. Because I am your friend. Your real black friend.

I will tell you what not to say, but I will not tell you what not to think. Think whatever you like.

Let’s review.

THOUGHTS are the things on the In side of your head. They are invisible. Your thoughts are yours. No one else’s. No one else wants them.

WORDS are the things that exit your hole to the Out side of your head, where we are. They are a lot like thoughts, except that we can hear them. We don’t want most

Reviews for You Can Keep That to Yourself

[villemezbrown · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Cutting, hilarious, and unfortunately necessary.

[amaryann21 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Perhaps too sarcastic at times to be as informative as it could. But maybe truth is hard to hear.

[froxgirl · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Hilarious primer for white allies (even though fictional author Daquan isn't down for woke from people of pallor). Offense will be massively taken. Should be under every white Xmas tree! Give it to all the Karens and Kens on your list, even if they say they don't care if you're purple or green.Quotes: "You like to say that the truth is always somewhere in the middle. But that could only be true if one side isn't lying.""Don't tell me your grandfather came here with nothing. Your grandfather came here with not everything. He came here with less than he might have liked. Perhaps he came here with very little. So what. Getting on the boat was his idea. The only exception is if your people fled full-on Nazis.""That time you felt unwelcome at a cookout isn't just as bad as gerrymandering. That b&w photo of a "No Irish Need Apply" sign is not as bad as white cops strangling a Black man to death in the middle of the street in broad daylight on video with few or no consequences. In fact, it's the opposite of that.""If you rounded up the ten worst mass shooters of the century, it would look like your living room on Super Bowl Sunday."

[juva_3 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book is useful to those who will come to it sincerely wondering about their blind spots. The author address trigger words, code words, and dog whistles that are generally considered offensive or a sign of excuse-making. It is all presented in a humorous tone and is easy to digest. Some of the words were obvious or expected but others surprised me like the racist origin of the idiom "grandfathered in". In general, I find words and language fascinating and it's helpful to follow how words are being used and abused in our culture. This is really just a basic guide, but I would love to read a more in depth version of this that would go into more detail about the history of the words.

[bragan_8 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This very short little book, purporting to be written by "the black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends," is ostensibly humor, and it did make me laugh out loud a couple of times. But it's humor with real bite, humor fueled by outrage and intended to cut sharply through complacency, and overall I'd say it succeeds at that very well.

[adrienna_turner_1 · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

The title piqued my curiosity, and thought it would be a great donation to the library I work at. The book shares alphabetized terms that are casually used in conversations. Once I read a few pages, I was a bit appalled by the vulgar language and didn't find this book humorous at all as the back cover lists the subject area to be humor. There are some terms used casually by Black people to another Black person, or other races for that matter such as "qualified", "Ignorance", and I heard the term "uppity" from only Black folks not from nazi-racist person as the book indicates; a similar term also used is "sadity" which is not included in the booklet. Unfortunately, I didn't like this read. However, I will donate to the library and hopefully someone else will find its humor, etc.Disclaimer: I won a small compact complimentary copy from LIbraryThing to provide an honest review. I shared review also on Amazon and Goodreads.

[minacee · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

A humorous and sarcastic but still handy pocket guide for navigating conversations with people who aren't white when you are white. You could just stick to safe small talk about the weather or movies but eventually the urge to use a word or phrase to prove you are "woke" or an "ally" or the opposite:inadvertently reveal that you have ideas you should examine.Three stars because I think it could have been a bit longer but it's a solid primer.

[ferness_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A slim, biting volume, ranging from righteous indignation to humour and back again. Definitely NSFW but, frankly, that's not a bad thing. As a person of privilege, I realize that my unintentionally stupid mouth will sometimes get ahead of my brain and, hopefully, this book will help serve as a reminder to embrace awareness.