The Little Garden of Assisi: A short play for television, including two more short plays Ten Days That Shook The Kremlin and The Yank With The Pig's Head

By John Bull

At the graveside of Chippums - beloved pet of Mrs Tarleton - the unctuous proprietor of The Little Garden of Assisi is the model undertaker, consoling the bereaved owner and reassuring her of the dog’s happy existence in the afterlife. But when the mourners have gone, it’s a very different story. Happy to continue to dupe unsuspecting customers, and pocket the rewards, Dribone seems to lead a charmed existence: until the Mayor arrives with a very curious request. The Little Garden of Assisi is one of three twenty-minute comedies for television in this ebook: the others are Ten Days That Shook The Kremlin, and The Yank With the Pig’s Head.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chaplin Books
• Release date: Nov 10, 2016
• ISBN: 9781911105183

Book preview

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The Little Garden of Assisi

Duration: 20 minutes

Characters:

DRIBONE, owner of the Little Garden of Assisi

FRANK, assistant to Dribone

DILLOW, countryman and grave-digger

MRS TARLETON, mourner and Little Garden client

MRS JONES, mourner and Little Garden client

MR AND MRS PROTHEROE, Little Garden clients

GULLIVER, vet

THE MAYOR

CHAPLAIN from the Church of the Gentle Touch

Music: Who Killed Cock Robin

Fade in

Scene One

EXT - Graveside

A graveside funeral service. A CHAPLAIN in white surplice holding a prayer book. He is speaking but the words are lost. Two women in black, veiled, support each other. The pallbearers, DRIBONE and FRANK, in black suits with black top hats covered with black crepe, their faces pious and solemn, stand either side. They prepare to lower a little casket. DRIBONE carefully places a dog’s lead and collar on the casket. We see it has a plaque:

RIP Mr Chips (Chippums)

We see a wreath of flowers, shaped like a bone, a headstone bearing the words:

In loving memory of Mr Chips, beloved companion of Mrs Ellen Tarleton. Semper fidelis

Another shot of the pious faces of the men. As the casket is lowered, one of the women begins to weep.

CHAPLAIN: Dog that is born of bitch has but a short time to live. He springeth up and is cut down like a flower ... (He picks up a handful of earth and tosses it into the grave) Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust ...

The pall bearers and mourners follow suit. All stand for a moment with heads bowed. DRIBONE glances at his watch, nods to the CHAPLAIN, beckons to a countryman, DILLOW, who moves into view and begins shovelling earth into the grave. Camera follows DRIBONE and CHAPLAIN as they lead the women away, beneath an archway bearing the words Little Garden of Assisi. As they pass, the end letter ‘i’ comes adrift and hangs down.

Cut to the graveside, where DILLOW leans on his shovel. FRANK reaches into his pocket and produces a hip flask. Both drink. DILLOW takes cigarettes from his pocket, hands one to FRANK. They smoke, apparently waiting for something.

Scene Two

INT - Dribone’s Office

The door of an office - bearing a plaque that reads ‘Funeral Director’

DRIBONE and the CHAPLAIN are talking to the two women in black, MRS TARLETON and MRS JONES. DRIBONE sits behind a desk. On the wall behind him is a chart and a small mirror. On another wall is a niche containing a plaster bust of St Francis of Assisi.

DRIBONE: So long as you think it has been worthwhile, Mrs Tarleton?

MRS TARLETON: A moving little ceremony, Mr Dribone, I’m afraid I couldn’t hold back the tears.

MRS JONES: You were very brave, Nell. I had a good cry myself ... and felt the better for it.

DRIBONE: Ah the catharsis of grief, dear lady. The end product, if I may use a modern business metaphor, of our little enterprise here. We at the Little Garden of Assisi try to be of some lasting comfort to the bereaved. We are modern people, with a modern outlook but the pain of loss is as old as mankind ... do please have some more coffee.

(He pours and hands cups around.)

MRS TARLETON: Today’s little ceremony has been such a comfort. I shall always cherish the memory, just as I shall never forget darling Mr Chips (MRS JONES leans towards her). It’s all right, Mary, I’m all right too, now that I know Mr Chips is at peace.

DRIBONE: Be assured Mrs Tarleton, the Companion has gone to a greater happiness. The innocent shall have their reward, eh, Chaplain?

CHAPLAIN: So the Good Book tells us, my friends.

MRS TARLETON: (sniffs, dabs her eyes) Thank you, Chaplain. What is the name of your church?

CHAPLAIN: The Church of the Gentle Touch, madam. Interdenominational - American in origin, but making great strides here in England. Great Strides. Unlike some other churches, we believe that animals do have a soul - that they may have a life hereafter. (sips his coffee). On high days and holidays I conduct a special service for the pets of the district, you know. The children, mostly, bring their little pets. I have rejoiced to see the church filled with dogs, cats, mice, guinea-pigs, we once even had a donkey. All creatures great and small, indeed. Ah, that delightful hymn of Mrs Alexander’s: Each little flower that opens each little bird that sings, He made their glowing colours, He made their tiny wings.

DRIBONE: Thank you, Chaplain. Are we not all the lambs of God?

CHAPLAIN: I am always happy to assist Mr Dribone at a Leave-Taking for a Companion. I find it re-affirms my own faith.

DRIBONE: We’re very grateful for your help, sir. You see Mrs Tarleton, we’re a very small band here, few but devoted. The Little Garden of Assisi is our life’s work. And what better ... to follow the example of our patron, dear San Francesco (turns to gaze at the saint in his niche).

CHAPLAIN: Just so indeed, Mr Dribone (pause). But, forgive me, I really must be going. Church can be so very demanding. So much to do, so little time. Goodbye dear ladies. If I can be of any help ... you can always get in touch with me, here’s my card. Don’t hesitate to call me. (he exits)

DRIBONE: Arrivederci, Chaplain ... Splendid man. We’re so lucky to have his services - oh, no pun intended. So glad his church is now established here. Some of the more ... er ... traditional denominations are perhaps not quite so helpful as they might be, about the need for understanding for bereaved pet lovers.

MRS JONES: (to Mrs Tarleton) Are you quite recovered, Nell?

MRS TARLETON: Oh, yes thank you, Mary. I’m fine now.

DRIBONE: Perhaps I could show you on our wall plan, where your little Companion is now at rest.

(MRS TARLETON nods, sniffs, and follows him to see the chart)

DRIBONE: See, here at the end of Row E, No 17, beneath the weeping willow. You may recall we were so