Advanced British Standard 1. n. Baccalaureate - style qualifications for 16 to 19 year olds that will apparently replace A-levels and once again make everything wonderful forever. 2. n. Post-Brexit alternative to the British Standard Handful, ushering in a nationwide utopia of Barbara Windsor-sized norks.
Aladdin’s rug n. An inch-thick mat of shit tickets laid upon the water’s surface before embarking on one’s dirty business, with the intention of leaving the shark’s mouth spotlessly clean after flushing.
arse parcels n. The goods which fall out of a ripped shopping bag.
aspartame daddy n. Bloke who pretends to be rich in order to get his end away. A fake sugar daddy.
band aid 1. n. prop. Charitable supergroup headed by Bob Geldof who raised lots of money with Do They Know It’s Christmas? 2. n. Heightening pleasure by putting a rubber band around your clockweights and wanking yourself off. Or, indeed, having it done to you by someone else in a generous act of charity.
blighty wound 1. n. In the WW1 trenches, a non-lethal injury a soldier hoped to receive in order to be repatriated. 2. n. Shitting your grundies after mistaking a fart for a solid, and getting sent home early.
An altruistic person who, to avoid unpleasant odours from contaminating the leaves the , thus keeping to an absolute minimum the time its surface is exposed to the air that others have to breathe (also useful for masking unpleasant splashing noises). So called as the toilet user assumes the position of a jockey astride his mount and thrashing its arse with a riding crop.
