Willy the Whizz and the Wormhole

By Lyn Funnell

Will Spalding had an IQ of 172. But nobody knew it yet. And nobody would realise it even when he constructed what was probably the most amazing invention that the world had ever seen. Actually most of the world would never see it!
Read the hilarious story of what happens when Will’s little sister Maud crawls into it, and how Will and his friends (with the help of Einstein the dog) try to get her back without Will’s Mum Pru finding out.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AUK Authors
• Release date: Dec 2, 2015
• ISBN: 9781785383427

Book preview

coincidental.

***

Will had an IQ of 172. But nobody knew it - yet. And nobody would realise it even when he constructed what was probably the most amazing invention that the world had ever seen.

Actually, most of the world would never see it.

But I digress.

***

They were at it again; shouting and fighting downstairs.

Will laid in bed, trying not to listen to what they were saying. But he had no choice as they were both yelling at full volume with no attempt at quietness.

Mum was obviously drunk, which wasn’t unusual. Didn’t she know by now that Dad hated it when she behaved like that and he had no sympathy at all for her? He was always disgusted with her, but she just didn’t seem to realise. And when she drank, she always picked a fight with him.

‘Go on, go back to that marriage-wrecking bitch then if she’s so much better than me! And don’t come scuttling home to me again all sorry when you’ve gone off her ‘cos you’ve worn her out and she’s all flabby and wrinkled!’ Mum yelled, banging cupboard doors and slamming drawers shut.

‘Well at least she’s not always drunk like you, Pru!’ Dad yelled back, ‘You should-’

‘What? Whaddya mean? I’m not always drunk! How dare you INSIGNUATE such a thing? And if I am, it’s all YOUR fault!’

‘Look at the state of you. Look at it. And look at the state of this place! Why don’t you try cleaning up this dump some time? It’s a real-’

There was the sound of something being thumped up and down on the table.

‘How can I clean when my heart’s broken? YOU’VE caused it with your - your lack of feeling for your family! You’re so CRUUUUUUUUUELL! Oh, Calvin, you’ve aged me! You’re killing me! I’m so TIRED! I’m worn ooooooout!’

‘That’s not tiredness, Pru. That’s called a HANGOVER! A permanent one! You’re always-’

Then came the familiar loud yowling. ‘Waaah! You don’t love me! You never did. You just used me! You only married me because I was pregnant! I’ve had your babies and it’s ruined my body! Look at me. I’m a WREEEEEEEECK!’

‘Yeah, you’re a wreck alright, a drunken wreck! You’re really- AAAGH!’

Something hit the wall and smashed onto the ground.

‘You stupid bitch! You’re-’

‘You hate me! Waaaaaah!’

Will sighed and pushed the duvet back. He slid his feet into his slippers, and picked up his glasses from the bedside cabinet and put them on, pushing them up with his middle finger. Then silently turning the brass handle on his pine door, he went to the bedroom at the end of the landing.

Einstein the Border Collie looked up from his place on guard at the top of the stairs and quietly whined.

‘It’s OK, Einstein,’ Will whispered, patting the dog’s head.

Einstein placed his nose between his paws and watched Will.

‘Why’s Mummy crying, Willyum?’ his little sister asked, peeping nervously over the top of her pink duvet cover.

Will sat down on the bed and put his hand on her shoulder. ‘It’s just something that grown-ups do all the time,’ he soothed, ‘Take no notice of them, Maud.’

‘I’m scareded, Willyum. Can I sleep wiv you?’

‘Oh come on then,’ he said.

‘And Poggles. He’s scareded too.’ She patted her teddy on the stomach.

Maud pushed the covers aside and, sliding off the bed, she picked up her teddy by his arm and grabbed hold of her brother’s hand. She tripped over her pink nightie which was too long for her. But luckily Will caught her and pulled her upright again.

Einstein sat up, awaiting instructions, his head on one side.

The little girl put a finger up to her lips, her teddy dangling down. ‘Sshh, go to sleep,’ she whispered to Einstein as they tip-toed past him along the landing, ‘Lay down. Good boy.’

But nobody could hear them with the banging and shouting downstairs anyway, even if they’d stamped their feet on the thick carpet covering the creaky floorboards.

The dog settled down again, half asleep at once, but loyally watching them until they silently disappeared into Will’s bedroom. His black eye was open, and his white eye closed. He didn’t take any notice of the noisy Humans downstairs. He didn’t care about them. What they got up to was no concern of his.

Will helped Maud up into his bed, pulled the duvet over her shoulders and climbed into the other side of the bed. He took his glasses off, placed them on the bedside cupboard and turned the light out.

‘Night-night, Willyum,’ whispered Maud, shoving her teddy in his face, ‘Kiss Poggles.’ Will obediently kissed the bear.

His little sister yawned, curled her arm round her teddy and fell asleep at once. She was used to the sound of her parents fighting. Although she didn’t like it, she thought it was normal behaviour for grown-ups.

The voices downstairs were muffled now. Will couldn’t hear what they were saying any more. Pru would stagger off and fall asleep soon. He lay squashed on his side of the bed for ages, wide awake, wondering what was going to happen next with his parents. It had been a nastier-than-usual fight.

Some time during the night, he heard the front door close and then a car’s engine started, followed by the sound of tyres crunching over what remained of the gravel on the drive.

***

Will held Maud’s hand while she jumped down the stairs, counting, ‘One, two, fwee…’ She was still wearing her pink nightie. Poggles was tightly gripped under her arm.

He’d pulled on a shirt and his trousers, plus his glasses.

‘Careful Maude,’ he cautioned her, ‘You don’t want to slip, do you?’

‘I won’t slip, silly!’ she replied haughtily.

On cue, Maud tripped over the hem of her nightie and leaned forwards, suspended at a dangerous angle until Will pulled her upright again.

‘Four, five, six!’ she continued as though nothing had happened.

Einstein slowly followed behind them, pausing when they stopped. He seemed to be counting the stairs too.

Their mother was angrily banging a coffee jar and a cup around in the kitchen, trying to find some space on the cluttered work-top. Impatiently she stared at the kettle, waiting for it to boil, a cigarette dangling from her lips. Then she jiggled the kettle around as though that would help it to boil quicker, checking that she’d switched it on, and tutted impatiently.

She was wearing a loose kaftan, sunglasses, and a scarf covered her unbrushed hair, knotted at the back. Mascara was smudged down her cheeks and traces of yesterday’s lipstick were wiped across and around her mouth. She had huge dark bags under her eyes, visible beneath the glasses.

A broken glass lay unswept on the floor by the wall.

‘Morning, Mum,’ said Will hesitantly, pushing his glasses up with his middle finger. ‘Is there any breakfast?’ he asked hopefully. He already knew what the answer would be.

Maud pulled her hand free, and carefully sat Poggles on a chair, brushing a couple of magazines onto the floor.

‘There you are, Poggles, you sit there and be a good bear,’ she ordered him.

‘Breakfast? I haven’t got time for breakfast! And I’m not interested in food! I couldn’t POSSIBLY eat anything! Your father’s gone off and left us again!’ Pru angrily stubbed the cigarette out in a half-full ashtray and began to bawl loudly. ‘Waaaaah, what am I going to doooooooo?’ A tiny dribble of snot appeared and slid slowly down towards her mouth.

‘Left? Where’s he gone?’ Will asked, watching the snot’s progress with fascination and wondering if he should point it out to his mother. He decided against it. The reaction would be hostile.

‘He’s gone back to his bitch; his whooooooore!’ More ear-splitting yowling. ‘Oh Will! Give your Mummy a big family cuddle!’ She bent down and pulled both children towards her, grasping them in a bear-hug. The smell of sour wine and tobacco wafted into their faces.

Maud burst into tears and clutched Will’s arm. Will tried to wriggle free from his mother’s clutches.

His mother stood up and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Will stepped backwards, pulling Maud with him. ‘Will, wash and dress Maud for me, will you? And look after her for the day. I seriously need to concentrate and write my novel, so I need peace and quiet around here. I’ve been planning to do it for years, only I’ve been too busy running a home and being a wife and mother.’ Her voice rose higher on the word Mother. Her hands flapped dramatically in the air. ‘But I’ve got to work hard and support us three now. It’s all up to me.’

Yeah, right, Will thought. ‘Oh I’m sure Dad will-’

‘That’s not the point!’ she wailed, lighting a fresh cigarette, then holding it between two fingers and waving it in the air, ‘We don’t want his money, darling. I’m sure we can support ourselves - in fact I know we can, if you go and get a paper round or something to help out until my book’s published. You’re Mummy’s little man now. And he can keep his money, and spend it all on HIS BITCH WHORE!’

Pru wailed loudly again, while she tried to light yet another cigarette from the first one with her hands shaking. Then she stubbed out the first one in the overflowing ashtray. She poured boiling water into her coffee cup and stirred it vigorously, and with cup in one hand and cigarette in the other, she stormed