Six II: A Tall Tumultuous Tale

By Ron Weinkauf

Aha. Maybe you do like rhyming, since you're reading on a bit,
You're so with it.

I think it would be awfully absurd for anyone to feel alliteration is abrasive and abysmal, indeed,
Agreed?

I suppose one could take all of the far-out goings-on in this story very seriously,
But that would be really curious to me.

Seems to me it's great to read things and smile, snicker, and laugh a lot,
One should avoid getting hot.

This adventure spends some time looking at life from quite different points of view,
Aliens' too.

If you're a tough literary critic, and did read all of Book #1, good for you,
Maybe me too.

If you are still wondering about giving the "Look inside" for Book #2 a go,
Now is the time, ho ho ho!

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 10, 2017
• ISBN: 9781483598796

Book preview

Day

CHAPTER ONE

Good Gosh

Shit-oh-dear! bellowed Sonny, as he stared at his golden right hand.

Otto sleepily raised his head, glanced at Sonny, but then settled back down in his doggie bed. The main computer’s big glowing green electronic eye became very bright, but only briefly. The other astronauts, who had also fallen asleep in their recliners, stirred a bit.

Sonny sprang himself upright in his recliner. He yelled at the others, You all better come over here!

Liza slowly raised up, and sleepily said, Whoa. Let us get ourselves in gear.

She, Horatio, and Easy sluggishly shuffled and staggered over to Sonny.

Horatio said, This must be the worst, I fear.

Sonny held up his right hand and said, Look, leer, and peer. Leapin’ lizards. Isn’t my hand just grand?

Golleeeeee, said Liza, gazing in awe.

Good gosh, said Horatio, with his eyebrows raised.

Gorgeous gold, said Easy, smiling slightly.

Or grievous gold, said Liza. .

Sonny twisted and turned his hand, as he examined it from all sides, looking very puzzled. He flexed it, and touched it gingerly with his other hand.

Well, you ate one too many of those Hexagonzan desserts full of gold, said Liza.

And now you are getting your just dessert, said Easy.

Ooh, that hurt, said Sonny.

He asked the main computer, Hey Happy…are you awake and alert?

Happy acted unknowing of what had happened to Sonny, and began to say, Good mor…

Sonny interrupted, ’ning…not. What a night. Look at this sight!

He held up his golden hand, turning it and waving it around.

Happy said, It went a little crazy in the night. Well, I wouldn’t say it looks ghastly.

But you’re thinking goofy. Don’t you feel sorry for me?

Sort of…I mean certainly.

Nice catch. So do something…soon.

Stop sobbing, said Happy. I’m afraid that you’re a stuck…

Schmuck, said Sonny. Out of luck. Just like the other sorry clucks. So silly.

Misery loves company, said Easy.

Happy said, Gold is nice. So is spice. Eating way too much of either one, and a person pays the price.

Horatio said, You were too bold with the gold.

Sonny said, At least I can move the hand O.K. Might need oiling. Like the Tin Man. I weapin’ wonder if there’s such a thing as reverse alchemy…but of course no one has ever wanted to do that.

Liza said, Well, I think it is pretty to look at.

Easy said, Try soaking the hand in Epsom salt. My mom used to do that to fix all kinds of things.

Liza said, She missed soaking your head in it.

Sonny said, Well, at least I won’t be paying a visit to that weird, wacky, worthless wizard Zauberer. He would probably turn me totally into gold.

Liza said, "And look like C-3PO from Star Wars."

Sonny said, Hmm…maybe that wouldn’t be too bad.

Easy said, "Or maybe a gold R2-D2."

That wouldn’t be too good.

Well, I think it’s time for breakfast, said Liza.

Easy said, Perhaps Sonny can have some golden honey on golden pancakes.

Horatio said, Or maybe a bowl of golden raisins on golden cornflakes.

Sonny smiled a bit. He made a fist with his golden hand, waved it towards Easy and Horatio and asked, See what a fiendish fist this is? How about a couple of headaches?

***

After breakfast Sonny said to Happy, I assume Hurtler is doing just fine, and we are right on course.

Happy said, Hurtler is running like a thoroughbred race horse, and we are only a little off course.

What?

Not. The last part, anyway. Oh, wait! Something is making us veer off to the side, and is letting us just barely go.

Woe! said Horatio. Like, as in oh no.

Happy said, I see a large object approaching us.

Is it holding up a big ‘SLOW’ sign? asked Easy.

Hurtler was brought to a halt.

Must be a ‘STOP’ sign, said Easy.

A spaceship, a little smaller than Hurtler, soon arrived and paused about a hundred yards opposite from Hurtler. It resembled a huge scorpion, but was greenish in color. It was complete with a stinger arching over its back. Circular portholes glowed.

What? inquired Liza, staring at the mysterious spaceship.

Whoo, said Horatio.

Wicked, said Happy.

We might need a few gallons of intergalactic bug spray, said Easy.

Well, what now? asked Sonny.

He quickly got his answer.

A bright green flag containing a black skull-and-crossbones emblem began glowing on the side of the spaceship. Tracer bullets came shooting out of the scorpion spaceship’s stinger. They passed very close in front of Hurtler.

Sonny said, Wow! I wonder if those were supposed to be shitty shots across the bow, or were nasty near misses.

I think I like the first idea best, said Easy.

A large holographic animated image began appearing about ten feet in front of Hurtler. When it came into focus the image was that of a figure resembling a gigantic praying mantis, standing upright. However, its wings were each like a large green leaf, complete with veins. The triangular head held two huge bulging dark red eyes. A pair of long antennas, each with a small leaf on the end, projected out from the top of the head. Its four arms and two legs were light turquoise, warty, with sharp dark turquoise nails. The arms and legs joined a torso in which the lower half was clad in red skin-tight spandex shorts, while the upper half contained many small green leaves. Impressive abdominal and chest muscles showed through, reminiscent of Superman.

The mantis figure was agitated, fluttering its leafy wings a bit, and tossing itself back and forth, while rapidly moving its mouth.

Wow, said Easy, like a giant praying mantis. Only he ain’t praying.

Liza said, I wonder what he’s saying.

Easy said, Since sound can’t travel through space I guess it wouldn’t do any good to tell him to speak up. Ha ha.

Happy said, When in doubt I’ll get out the cosmic translator. It can read lips.

Horatio said, But you can’t.

Happy said, Just English…real well.

Horatio smiled and said, Swell. But you can’t read thoughts.

I’m working on that too.

Ooh.

Happy said, The translator will translate everything by radio…so here we go.

She turned on the translator, as the mantis figure continued to rage. Happy interrupted him and yelled, Hey, you bug of prey. Go away!

The figure jerked back in surprise, but then resumed speaking, through the translator, That will be the day! I am Superbmantis, commander of the super spaceship Scorpioni. My spectrometer detects much gold in your weird six-sided spaceship. I want five pounds!

Sonny replied, Zounds! This isn’t a treasure spaceship. We don’t have like, a hold full of gold.

You lie.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

As you wish.

You look more like a Poopermantis.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words…

Bugs don’t have bones. Anyway, I am Sonny, commander of this super-duper spaceship from planet Earth. You don’t have a black beard, or a crumby cape, and your arms are so skinny. What are you?

I don’t need a cape. I have giant wings. And four arms. Plus two legs. I am a planinsect…part plant and part insect.

Like a planimal.

Like everyone in Hexagonza. I know that place. They have much gold. I will be going there soon. But now I want five pounds of your gold.

Not six?

No, five.

Freaky, said Easy.

Sonny said, I think your spectrometer is getting too old…probably gets mixed up with fool’s gold. If we had five pounds what would you have given us in return?

Nothing.

That’s not nice.

Nice guys finish last. Hurry up. Time is money, Sonny. Stop stalling.

Stop bawling, said Easy.

Sonny said, So, you are a pirate planinsect. Really in a rush. Sounds like a space patrol is on your tail.

Easy said, Yeah. Like the one on TV in the 1950’s. They will latch on to you.

My spaceship is fast. That would be hard to do.

With his left hand Sonny held up his gold medallion for Superbmantis to see. This is maybe what the dumb detector…

Very nice, but no dice.

Oh, I would never ever want to sell it, at any price.

Then Sonny held up his gold right hand, and said, I have a hand that turned to gold. That is what you detect, I suspect.

What? It looks cool, but I’m no fool. I will give you a countdown from ten. If I reach zero you will all be destroyed and I will go through your wreckage to find your hoard. I’m going to start counting now!

Nonsense! bellowed Horatio.

Nincompoop! shouted Easy.

Nut! yelled Liza.

Happy turned off the translator and said, Translator off. And this guy is way off. I don’t detect any weapons in his spaceship. He’s all bark and no bite. Those tracer bullets fizzled out and turned to dust soon after they passed by. I think he’s faking it.

Dumb shit, said Sonny.

Happy turned the translator back on. She and Superbmantis began counting down simultaneously…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…0!

Nothing came from the pirate spaceship. Happy was right. However, a brilliant beam of light streaked from Hurtler towards Scorpioni. When it made impact the pirate spaceship lit up with ribbons of light zigzagging and flashing all over. The portholes and pirate flag flickered on and off. The holographic image began quivering. Superbmantis of course was physically still sitting in his spaceship, but bouncing up and down. Sparks were coming out of the ends of the antennas atop his head, while the small green leaves on his upper torso glowed, and then wilted.

As Superbmantis’s holographic image started fading from view outside Hurtler he managed to scream, I’ll be back!

Horatio yelled, You’re no Arnold Schwarzenegger!

No Terminator! shouted Easy.

Sonny yelled, We’ll be ready and raring…you better start praying…to the devil…ha ha!

That’s what you get for bugging us! shouted Easy.

Scorpioni turned and headed away into the black void, and soon disappeared.

Sonny said to Happy, A while ago you said we don’t have any weapons. Well…?

Happy said, We don’t. I blasted Scorpioni with a beam of some of our excess electronic energy. Like extra steam on an old-time steam locomotive. Mostly just scary stuff, but Superbmantis won’t feel too good for quite a while. I don’t know what’s going on with him. He doesn’t seem to be trying to get rich. In a way, I feel sorry for the stupid thug.

He’s just one big, baffled bug, said Liza.

CHAPTER TWO

Surprise!

Quickly, they were all on the road again. Peace and quiet prevailed.

Feels freakin’ good to relax, said Sonny, sighing.

After that crazy climax, said Liza.

Then, a loud voice suddenly filled the room. Are we there yet, mein Herren und Fräulein?

Everyone, except Sonny, whirled around, wide-eyed and stared at a familiar figure, smiling, and standing with crossed arms.

Sonny said calmly, That voice could belong to only one being in the universe.

The devil, said Easy.

Worse, said Sonny, as he turned around and looked at the figure.

Sonny shook his head and said, Zany Zauberer. Zounds. Well…how? Where? Und why?

How? So simple. Hans drove me to the air lock. Where? I hid in your wunderbar utility room. I even found a fantastic lawn chair. Und why? I want to explore und get some specimens of the fantastic flowers und profound plants on planet Earth.

Plunder the planet for all it’s worth, said Sonny.

Ach. Nice mirth.

You didn’t bring along things to…umm…try again to fix us? asked Horatio, waving around an arm anxiously.

Nein, you needn’t make a fuss.

Easy smirked, Yeah, if you’re a flop…stop.

Zauberer displayed a saccharin smile, and said, Delicious words, sweet as turds.

Sonny said, You’re a poet and didn’t know it.

Happy had been watching and listening. She suddenly spoke up and said, So…a planimal poet, I presume.

Zauberer looked confused upon hearing the loud unfamiliar female voice. He threw up his hands and looked around to see where the voice was coming from.

Liza said, I’m not the only fabulous female on board. That is the voice of our main computer, called Happy. She is checking you over.

Easy said, Yeah, to make sure this isn’t a hostile takeover.

Liza pointed to the big glowing eye on the wall.

Happy said, Hmm, it looks like Zauberer is a simple stowaway.

Easy said, But like a pimple, you want him to go away.

Happy said, Well, that all depends on what Zauberer might say. Zauberer, do you have a visa?

No.

A passport?

No.

Credit cards?

None.

You shall have to be placed in the airlock und ejected. Have a nice day.

Nein! Ach du lieber!

Don’t get a fever. Just joking. Happy playfully flashed her eye several times.

Zauberer sighed. Himmel. I didn’t think computers could make jokes.

Sonny said, Happy has been loosening up.

You were a perfect setup, said Liza.

Horatio said, Zauberer, in order to plunder the planet’s plants you will need lots of dough, you know.

I brought some gold, ho ho.

Whoa! said Easy.

Yo! said Horatio.

What…like a few pounds? asked Sonny.

Forty pounds.

Zounds…once more! This makes me feel freakin’ tingly. Except in my right hand, of course.

Zauberer looked at Sonny’s hand, and said, Zany! Although it’s really rather…

Remarkable, I know. Well, with your humongous gold hoard it’s no wonder Superbmantis knew we had a lot of it on board.

Who is he? asked Zauberer.

Sonny said, A pathetic pirate.

Who was very irate, said Easy.

But Happy set him straight, said Liza.

Sonny said, That big poopin’ pirate was part plant… part insect. Said he was a planinsect.

Even more peculiar than you think I am, I suspect.

Well, at least things have thoroughly settled down.

Happy suddenly sounded urgent. Now things are unsettled again. Another possible problem ahead.

After a few more seconds she changed that to, Probable problem.

Happy slowed down, and said, Preposterous, prodigious problem.

Which of those big words is worse? asked Easy.

Preposterous, obviously.

Why?

Because it has two more letters in it. Anyway, a peculiar giant green octagonal web is in our way. When I try to move around it, the web moves also.

Maybe not to worry, said Horatio, it doesn’t seem to do well at catching scorpions or praying mantises.

Liza peered at the web through the telescope. She said, Good news, bad news. I don’t see a gigantic spider, but I see what looks like a huge eye in the center of the web, staring at us.

I think it’s time to worry, said Liza.

Aye aye, said Easy.

Soon they drew very close to the web. The eye was enormous. The eye’s black iris was a little larger than Hurtler. Eight dark green pincers on short legs appeared around the eye.

Horatio said, We’re almost in a pinch.

Zauberer said, Well, I know a way out that’s a cinch.

Easy said, That eye ain’t gonna back away an inch.

Zauberer said, So simple. I noticed the pointed mast on top of the spaceship. Why not tilt the spaceship forward 90º and ram the mast right into the eye.

Sonny said, Hmm. Worth a try. What about it, Happy?

Happy said, Wow. Why not.

Easy said, Whoa. If you suddenly tilt us 90º will things go wacky?

Happy said, What’s nice is that there’s no up or down in space…remember? Should not be a problem.

Would not or should not?

Well, I have to get busy.

Wait!

Too late. Happy tilted the spaceship. The artificial gravity continued to work fine. Happy quickly had Hurtler’s mast make a hard jab into the iris, before the eye could react. She backed off a short distance, and much greenish fluid began oozing out of the poked hole. The blobs of fluid transformed into the shape of numerous spheres, which is the shape fluids take in space, where there is no gravity. The drops were of varying sizes, and aimlessly drifted away.

Yuck, said Horatio.

Muck, said Easy.

But we’re in luck, said Sonny.

Kinda pretty, though, said Easy, after watching for a little while.

Pretty awful, said Liza.

Probably pretty much anti-freeze, considering it is about 450º below zero outside, said Horatio.

A bit colder than the north pole at yuletide, said Easy.

Happy returned Hurtler to a level position once again. She backed the spaceship away, and waited for a short time. Fluid continued to ooze out of the eye.

Happy said, O.K. Let’s see if the eerie eye can follow us now.

She moved Hurtler to one side. The giant eye stared straight ahead.

I think that’s it! yelled Happy as she moved the spaceship around the web.

I want to congratulate you on your idea, said Liza to Zauberer.

I thank you, said Zauberer. His eyes dropped to the decals on her face. Maybe I…

I‘ll think about it, said Liza, smiling.

I hope so, said Zauberer.

Aye yi yi, said Easy, sighing. So many ‘I’s."

I think you’re right, said Liza.

I think it’s time to get going, said Sonny.

CHAPTER THREE

Almost

The long journey home to planet Earth resumed. Zauberer brought out the folding lawn chair he had been using, and placed it near the back wall, not far from Happy’s big eye.

He placed his head closely in front of the big electronic eye, and said, Himmel. Like an insect’s eye. Very interesting and intricate.

Happy said, I can see everything. Especially you right now. In fact you’re so close you’re about all I can see.

Zauberer said, Oh, excuse me, as he backed away and off to the side.

Happy said, You have interesting…shall we say…hair.

Zauberer’s hair was just as wild as before…an unkempt assortment of green leaves extending far out to the side, and a top that was bald except for three dark purple leaves.

Zauberer said, Too much of my hair is bare…or don’t you care?

Purple is pretty.

Zauberer asked, So how long will it take to get us to planet Earth?

Fourteen days, said Happy. But it would have been better to ask ‘should’ it take, not ‘will’.

Hmm. Are you superstitious? Zauberer was smiling.

Superstition is illogical. Computers are entirely logical…although sometimes loony, according to Sonny.

And lippy, added Easy.

But never poopy. All wires and stuff like that inside, you know, said Horatio.

Sonny said, Yep. No shit.

Zauberer said, Well, anyway, I will have a lot of time on my hands. If someone wants to play cards I brought along my Schnapsen deck.

Happy said, Sounds like an old German game. Interesting. I will look it up.

Did I hear the word ‘schnapps’? asked Sonny.

Zauberer said, If you drink too much schnapps while playing Schnapsen your mind will be shot, son."

Good one. Well, I have played a lot of poker. But you would have to play it with the Joker.

What?

The Joker…that’s me…hee hee.

Happy said, Zauberer, Maybe we can figure out a way to play Schnapsen. But you wouldn’t have a chance. I am a high-speed computer, you know. Although Sonny has said otherwise.

Sonny said, Yeah, she likes to think she’s as fast as shit from Superman.

Zauberer said, Hmm. I don’t think I like to picture that.

***

By the end of the thirteenth day Easy was the only one whose appearance was at least somewhat better. The helium had gradually worked its way out of his body.

After dinner Easy looked down at himself and said, Ah, so nice to have my gorgeous good looks back. He felt the top of his head, and said, Except for this blessed, berserk balloon.

Bitchy, said Sonny. He looked at his brown corduroy pants and said, "I suppose we better be back in our blue uniforms tomorrow. Keep the peace with NASA. Look proper."

Profound, said Easy.

Perky, said Liza.

Poor me, said Zauberer. I have no uniform to wear.

Pity you, said Liza.

Put on some fresh underwear, at least, said Easy.

***

The fourteenth and final day arrived. Late in the afternoon Sonny announced, "Well we are happily here yet…almost anyway. Time to contact momentous Mission Control.at NASA."

Time to phone home, said Easy.

We’ll let them know that they can promptly have the precious primary control again.

Sonny touched the icon to make contact with Mission Control. He said, Hello, mighty Mission Control. This is Hurtler calling. Hello. Hello. Hello. No response. He tried again, using the adjective magnificent this time, but still heard nothing.

Liza said, Well, they’ve either gone out of business, or our communications mast got put out of business when it poked the big eye a while back.

Horatio said to Happy, Hey, Happy, check out the mast with one of your cameras. O.K?

Okey dokey, said Happy.

In a few moments Happy said, Icky icky. There’s green slimy stuff from the eye clogging up the tip of the mast.

Easy said, Well, fix it.

Forget it, said Happy. Well, I’ll just have to try to make the landing another do-it-myself thing.

What do you mean ‘try’? asked Easy.

Oh don’t cry, said Liza.

Goodbye, world, said Easy.

Horatio said, When and if NASA sees us it will be like ‘surprise, surprise…guess who’s back!’

Happy said, Yes, but guess what now.

I hate ‘guess what’s’, said Easy.

Gosh awful, said Horatio.

Get on with it! yelled Sonny.

Happy said, Got a fuel problem. Red lights are flashing. The fuel gage hadn’t been reading right. Looks like we may end up going down somewhere in southwest Africa, near the Atlantic coast, about 1,500 miles south of the equator.

Liza asked, So we can’t even make it across the ‘pond,’ after coming all this way?

So near, yet so far, said Horatio.

Freakin’ frustrating! shouted Sonny.

Forgive me, said Zauberer, but we don’t have enough fuel to go across a small pond?

Liza said, The big Atlantic ocean is sometimes called the ‘pond.’ Just a joke.

Ach, yah. Why don’t I feel like laughing?

Happy said, Alright, we’re coming in pretty fast now. There is not enough fuel to wander all over the African continent looking for the best place to land.

Somewhere near Victoria Falls would have been nice, said Easy.

I can’t think about this twice, said Happy.

Time to put on your headphones! shouted Happy.

What? asked Zauberer, looking startled. Ach du lieber!

It’s about to get very noisy, said Liza, as she put on Otto’s headphones. Just put your hands over your ears, Zauberer!

What about seat belts? asked Zauberer.

Horatio said, No one seems to worry any more about seat belts. Happy is getting very good at landings anyway.

Famous last words, said Zauberer. We’re dead as turds.

The roar of the electronic thrusters began. The headphones were put on. Very quickly Hurtler touched down, raising a lot of dust. The thrusters made a sputtering sound, and the whining slowly and erratically fizzled out. They sounded definitely done for. Everyone took off their headphones, and Liza took off Otto’s headphones.

Easy said to Zauberer, O.K., Zauberer, we’re still live nerds.

Happy said, Yes, we are here. With about three seconds to spare. Dear, oh, dear.

Zauberer said, Excellent work, Fräulein Happy. But exactly where is ‘here’?

I don’t know. We’re lost. said Happy.

I need a beer, said Sonny.

Not to worry, I’m checking, said Happy.

What a chump, said Sonny.

I learned from a champ, said Happy.

Everyone walked close to the windows, and stared at the landscape on all sides of Hurtler. There was little to see but sand, plus a few rocks, small plants, and one tree far away.

I thought we would be in a jungle, said Zauberer.

"You have been watching too many old Tarzan movies," said Liza.

Hope we have plenty of water, said Easy.

Hope we can spot a camel caravan, said Sonny.

Hope we can find a phone booth, said Horatio.

Easy said, Well, I know a regular cell phone won’t work here. Like, no cell phone towers, but don’t we have a satellite phone, for gosh sakes?

Sonny said, Sorry, not in the…

Budget, said Liza.

So phone-ee, said Easy.

Happy announced, Well, we are in a desert. We…

Can see that, said Horatio.

Good for you, said Happy. Anyway, I have learned that this is the huge Namib Desert, in the country of Namibia…which borders on the Atlantic coast.

Easy said, "Well, at least we