Passages Handfasting: A Pagan Guide to Commitment Rituals

By Kendra Vaughan Hovey

The day you exchange vows with the person you love is one of the most important days of your life. What better way to celebrate your commitment to one another than with handfasting—the blessed marriage rite in which the hands of you and your beloved are wrapped in ribbon as you “tie the knot.” This symbolic binding together of your two loving souls is a timeless way to begin life's journey together. In this first book of the groundbreaking Passages series, Rev. Dr. Kendra Vaughan Hovey reveals the history behind the ritual. She clearly describes everything you need to plan your own ceremony, including how to:
-Find the right practice for you
-Select flowers and herbs-and discover their meanings
-Follow recipes and spells for incense and oils
-Write invocations and vows
-Integrate Pagan and non-Pagan traditions
-Choose the right officiant

With this magical guide, you’ll create a ceremony that not only reflects your devotion to one another but also ensures a lifetime of happiness!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Release date: Nov 1, 2007
• ISBN: 9781440516368

Book preview

PASSAGES

Handfasting

A PAGAN GUIDE TO

Commitment

Rituals

Rev. Dr. Kendra Vaughan Hovey

Series Editor: Arin Murphy-Hiscock

9781598694475_0002_022

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright © 2008 by F+W Publications, Inc.

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions

are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

The Provenance Press ® name and logo design are

registered trademarks of F+W Publications, Inc.

Published by Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street

Avon, MA 02322

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN-10: 1-59869-447-2

ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-447-5

eISBN-: 978-1-44051-636-8

Printed in Canada.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hovey, Kendra Vaughan.

Passages : handfasting / Kendra Vaughan Hovey and

Arin Murphy-Hiscock.

p.     cm.

ISBN-13: 978-1-59869-447-5 (pbk.)

ISBN-10: 1-59869-447-2 (pbk.)

1. Marriage customs and rites. 2. Marriage—Religious

aspects—Neopaganism. 3. Marriage—Religious aspects—

Goddess religion. I Murphy-Hiscock, Arin. II . Title.

GT 2690.H68 2007

392.5—dc22    2007015754

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted

by a Committee of the American Bar Association

and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

To my husband Timothy,

my soul mate,

whom I love more and more each new day.

CONTENTS

Series Editor’s Introduction by Arin Murphy-Hiscock

Acknowledgments

CHAPTER 1

History and Origin of Handfasting Ceremonies

CHAPTER 2

Gods and Goddesses

CHAPTER 3

Love and Religion

CHAPTER 4

Handfastings and Combining Traditions for Modern Weddings

CHAPTER 5

Challenges of Non-Pagan Family and Friends

CHAPTER 6

Finding the Right Officiant

CHAPTER 7

Wedding Budgets, Dates, and Locations

CHAPTER 8

Ceremony Themes

CHAPTER 9

Ritual Clothing and Jewelry

CHAPTER 10

Flowers and Herbs

CHAPTER 11

Incorporating Incense, Oils, and Spells

CHAPTER 12

Handfasting Feast

CHAPTER 13

Sample Rituals, Prayers, and Ideas

CHAPTER 14

The First Year and a Day

APPENDIX A

Flowers and Their Magickal Messages

APPENDIX B

Herbs and Essential Oils Associated with Love

Bibliography

SERIES EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION

Arin Murphy-Hiscock

THROUGHOUT LIFE we experience transitions and transformations that we wish to mark in some way, in order to highlight them and celebrate their importance both to us and to others. Rites of passage focus on these major shifts and transitions in life, and serve to allow both the individual involved and the surrounding community to celebrate them. A rite of passage is literally a rite wherein one explores the transition from one state to another. All too often today a rite of passage is limited only to the aspect of celebration, and we forget that meaning can be found through simple and careful consideration of the change in which we find ourselves absorbed.

Marriage is one of these momentous events, a day of great joy for two individuals as they vow to share their lives. This joy is shared by their families and friends, who lend their love and honor to the magnitude of the vow by witnessing it.

Handfasting is the joining of hearts and spirits before the Gods or human witnesses, a deep commitment that is not necessarily defined by legal status. The name arises from the handshake used to seal the vow, or the custom of binding the hands of the partners together to symbolize the new single partnership created by the vow of two individuals. Various forms of union based on this custom have been used in different cultures through the ages. The custom is seen in some as spiritual, in others as secular. Handfasting could be temporary for a defined period of time, be considered an engagement, or be a permanent matter.

Today, the term handfasting is generally used to denote a Neo-Pagan wedding, and commonly includes some form of the physical binding of the hands of the individuals being joined. Like its antecedents it can be permanent or temporary, but it is primarily considered to be a spiritual union. Fortunately, modern handfastings can also be legally binding unions if performed by a recognized and registered officiant.

Weddings performed in established mainstream religions have the benefit of a body of lore, philosophy, and tenets to support them, and thus a couple understands exactly what the spiritual aspect of marriage is within their religious structure of choice. Neo-Paganism faces the challenge of being an aggregate of loosely defined earth-based spiritual paths with wide-ranging beliefs and practices, often based on the personal experience of the individual following the spiritual path. There is no defined spiritual context for marriage within such an aggregate, and therefore those seeking to be married within the Neo-Pagan structure are faced with identifying their own spiritual expectations and context for the transformative rite of marriage. This can be a daunting task, for it requires two people to engage in profound self-examination in order to define a part of the greater mystery that lies at the heart of the Neo-Pagan spiritual path: the meaning of love, the presence of the Divine in one’s life, and the sacred connection to the energy of life itself.

Handfasting: A Pagan Guide to Commitment Rituals presents such an examination of the spirituality of marriage from a Neo-Pagan point of view. It explores the historical and cultural sources of this ritual, as well as investigating the spiritual well-being and expectations of both individuals seeking to be united, illustrating the challenges that must be met in order for the marriage to succeed on a spiritual level. One of the associated themes of this book is the challenge of interfaith marriage. When the two individuals share the same faith, they can offer one another spiritual support and share in religious celebration. Interfaith relationships can be more challenging. The spiritual support shared by a same-faith couple must be defined in a different way for an interfaith partnership, which requires courage and strength to succeed.

This book explores the spiritual aspect of handfasting, and the secular and spiritual consequences of choosing this form of union. It also offers practical advice on how to plan a Neo-Pagan wedding, from choosing an officiant to planning the food, with special focus on creating meaningful ritual using spiritual symbolism. Reverend Dr. Kendra Vaughan Hovey’s approach to this topic is very contemporary, based in healthy love and respect for the self as well as love and respect for a partner, while honoring the roots of the handfasting tradition and respecting what makes it so loved by Neo-Pagans. Reverend Dr. Kendra, founder and spiritual leader of the First Church of Wicca, has officiated several Pagan and interfaith marriages, and has counseled partners through challenges in their married lives. Her sensitivity and insight into the unique needs of a Neo-Pagan handfasted union make her an excellent guide through the challenges of creating a wedding day that is personally meaningful and also practical.

Let this book inspire you as you plan your wedding, whether it be a ceremonial handfasting, a private handfast-ing witnessed only by the Gods, or a full formal wedding drawing on the traditions of both an established religion and your chosen Neo-Pagan path. May your memories of this portion of your spiritual journey be joyful.

Imbolc 2007

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to the God and Goddess for choosing me to do Your work.

Thanks to Adams Media, especially Andrea Norville, for approaching me about writing this book and for answering my endless e-mails, and to Katrina Schroeder for managing this project.

Thanks to Arin Murphy-Hiscock for offering your support and for writing the preface.

Thanks to my husband Timothy and my children, Alec and Alana, for your excitement, enthusiasm, understanding, constant support, and much-needed help.

Thanks to my congregation for giving me the time and understanding that I needed to complete this project.

Thanks to John Doonan for your help with the incense recipes.

Last but not least, thanks to Bruce Barrett for your unprecedented editing skills. I could not have done it without you!

The word handfasting derives from the

wedding custom of tying the bride and

groom’s hands or wrists together.

CHAPTER 1

HISTORY AND ORIGIN OF HANDFASTING CEREMONIES

EXPERTS DISAGREE ON the origin of handfasting. Some Neo-Pagans insist that the handfasting tradition can be proven to date back to ancient Paganism. Others say that handfasting can be traced back to pre-biblical times, but that there is no solid evidence suggesting that it was a Pagan tradition at all. One thing is certain: modern Pagans, and especially Wic-cans, use the handfasting ritual for everything from declaring mutual romantic love to expressing legally recognized marriage vows.

Understanding handfasting requires that we understand the concept of marriage in Scotland starting from pre-biblical times. It was necessary then for anyone who was to marry to have the consent of their parents. More importantly, the marriage was not considered binding until it was consummated. Often young children would declare their love for one another, or be betrothed by their parents, with an agreement to marry in the future. This was considered a legal contract between the two and would prevent either of them from marrying anyone else. This vow of future commitment can be compared to that of the modern day engagement ring, which is a conditional gift. It is not legal in the United States for a woman to keep her engagement ring today unless she makes good on the promise to marry. If the marriage ends in divorce, it is acceptable that the ex-wife keeps her ring under the grounds that she fulfilled her commitment to marry.

The Christian Church, in the late Middle Ages, taught that even if two people ran off together against their parents’ wishes, this would still constitute a legal marriage. In fact, the Christian Church didn’t even require that the couple consummate the marriage for it to be legally binding. The consented marriage was considered a legal union from around the 1200s until the Protestant Reformation in the 1500s. It was common in Scotland and England to be married on the porch of the church (being married inside the church was only for the affluent). Of course, there were many couples that did not want to be married the traditional way, for many of the same reasons that couples elope today. The most important factor that bound two people in marriage was mutual consent.

Many couples would perform marriage on their own, knowing that their vows wouldn’t be recognized by both church and state. Often, they chose this option because they could avoid uncomfortable conflict if someone did not approve of the marriage, because it was a cheaper option than a church wedding, or because it could be performed on a whim. These secretive marriages, performed alone on a hillside in the country, were no less marriages from a civil perspective than the ones that were performed on the porch of the church. Also, unlike today, if a couple were married in the late Middle Ages they were considered married for life in Roman Catholic Europe. The only thing that could break a binding marriage was death. It wasn’t until the 1500s in Scotland and England that divorce and remarriage even became a possibility under canon law.

Although the Catholic Church and some emerging Protestant churches preferred a proper church wedding during medieval times, consisting of a formal ceremony with witnesses led by clergy in order for a couple to be recognized by the church, the civil laws recognizing personal, private vows remained in effect until 1939. In the late Middle Ages in Scotland and Northern England, the term handfasting was used to describe the mutual commitment ceremonies discussed above, and also commonly referred to agreements to marry in the future. These agreements bound the two people together in the eyes of the church and the state, and prevented them from handfasting or marrying another. The interesting fact here is that the handfasting was used more as a promise between two people, often minors, to declare their love for one another and a promise to marry at some point in the future. These declarations were considered completely binding by both the church and the state. If the couple consummated the marriage, then they were no longer considered engaged. They were married.

By the late 1700s in Europe, handfasting ceremonies were no longer practiced as a common form of engagement. Instead, in Ireland from the 1700s through the early 1900s, there are several documented cases of handfasting being used as a trial marriage. Men would choose their wives on a trial basis by engaging in handfasting rituals. The couple would live together, engage in sex, and act as a married couple for a trial period of a year and a day. When that time was finished, if the couple had no children, they could choose to part ways, free to find new partners. Or they could call for a priest to marry them permanently.

The word handfasting derives from the wedding custom of tying the bride and groom’s hands or wrists together. The hands were bound with a cloth or specially designed cord as part of the ceremony or ritual. In some ceremonies, the cord was not untied until the marriage was physically consummated. The term itself comes from the Anglo-Saxon word handfaestung, which was a custom of shaking hands over a contract. This was often the contract entered into when a man made a down payment, or wed, to his future wife’s father in order to have her hand in marriage. This was the origin of the modern word wedding.

The Irish maintained an ancient tradition until the nineteenth century in which men and women would gather on opposite sides of a high wall, men on the North side and women on the South. The women would put their hands through holes in the wall and the men would pick one of the hands. The pairs thus formed would then live together for a year and a day. After that period of time they would decide whether or not they wanted to enter into permanent marriage. Interestingly enough, this festival took place on Lughnassad, a Sabbat celebrated on August 2nd by Neo-Pagans. By the late 1900s, this concept of handfasting as an ancient Celtic practice became well established and accepted. Several Neo-Pagan faiths have adapted the concept of ancient handfasting, and added their own beliefs and practices to the ritual. Some examples of ancient and new traditions used in modern handfasting ceremonies are:

Il_9781598694475_0018_001 T he renewal of handfasting vows several times without the permanency of marriage

Il_9781598694475_0018_002 Stating in the handfasting vows that the bond lasts only as long as the two shall love one another

Il_9781598694475_0018_003 The handfasting ribbon or cord ceremony where the couple hold hands, right hand to right hand and left hand to left hand, and then intertwine a cord or ribbon in the infinity sign, knotting it three times

Il_9781598694475_0018_004 Keeping the handfasting cord bound until the union is consummated

Il_9781598694475_0018_005 Keeping the handfasting cord bound until the ritual is over

Il_9781598694475_0018_006 Using a handfasting as a religiously recognized but state-unrecognized marriage

Il_9781598694475_0018_007 Performing a handfasting ritual with an ordained cleric so it is a state-recognized marriage, incorporating a legal handfasting with an exchange of wedding rings

Thus, the history of handfasting is not entirely clear. One cannot prove that it was primarily a Pagan practice, nor trace its precise roots. Today handfasting is clearly a Pagan practice, and especially Wiccan. Like many Wiccan rituals, handfasting can be celebrated in a multitude of ways to fit the couple’s particular Wiccan tradition. In later chapters different types of handfasting ceremonies are explored, with tips on how to prepare and throw the perfect handfasting for you and your partner.

If you are looking for the strength to

ensure that no matter what happens

in your union you will not give up,

Demeter is the Goddess to invoke.

CHAPTER 2

GODS AND GODDESSES

INVOKING GODS AND GODDESSES during your handfasting ceremony is a Neo-Pagan practice that ensures your union will be blessed with Their divine qualities. There are Gods and Goddesses from many different pantheons in mythology who may be invoked during your handfasting. A pantheon is a collection of divine beings gathered by a particular people or religion. All have Their own captivating stories. Whether you believe that the stories are true or are just ancient folklore developed over time to be used as a type of fable, the impressions these stories leave in your mind can be inspirational.

Metaphysics teaches us to look beyond the