Lost and Found

By Feral Sephrian

Joshy grew up watching his Bible-thumping dad and his ballet-loving brother Leon argue and shout at each other for years, but never really knew why. When new neighbors move in down the street, suddenly Leon spends time with their son, Kalil. Once again, Joshy is completely in the dark about his brother’s actions and is taken by surprise when both Leon and Kalil run away together. The rest of his childhood and adolescence are spent wondering what became of the pair, until one day ...

Leon was different from day one, and even though it caused friction with his dad’s narrow-minded views, he never gave up on what he truly was. Exploring his sexuality generates little more than confusion and frustration, until he meets Kalil. They find out they have more in common than people expect, and Leon helps Kalil come to terms with that. Both yearning for freedom from the oppression of their parents, they hatch a plan to escape to New York, where a new life and new opportunities await.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Queerteen Press
• Release date: May 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781611525816

Feral Sephrian

Feral Sephrian is a self-described genderqueer liberal feminist independent open-minded autistic vegan Pagan furry who enjoys telling stories with diverse characters and cultures, especially ones that involve in-depth research. No minority is too small for representation. No majority is too large to be infallible.

Book preview

Found

Part 1: The Lost

There were two constants in my childhood: going to church every Sunday and arguments. It was mostly Dad and Leon who argued, but sometimes Dad would argue with Mama about Leon. Although, I guess he wasn’t so much arguing with her as he was loudly telling her what was wrong with my big brother and why he should have more respect for his family. Leon is a lot older than I am. He was ten when I was born. By the time I was old enough to sense the household tension, Leon was already well into his teens and was just as stubborn as Dad.

At church we were a normal family, except that Leon seemed even less interested than I, the squirmy preschooler, in what the preacher said, and he didn’t mingle with the others the way Mama and Dad did. Sometimes if our parents talked to the neighbors for too long, he’d vanish until it was time to leave then suddenly appear by the car. If Dad demanded to know where he had been, Leon would just say, In the bathroom. Want details? I thought it was funny, at least until it started another argument.

Usually Mama told me to go play in my room or outside whenever things heated up. She played music in hopes of drowning out the shouting so I couldn’t hear. At first, I thought it was normal and that everyone got louder as they grew older. When I first started going to daycare and noticed all the other families getting along, I started to wonder. I asked the other kids if their parents or siblings fought, and about what.

Mommy gets mad at Daddy when he leaves dirty dishes in the sink.

Liz and Chelly fight over who gets the bathroom first in the morning.

Daddy yells at the TV a lot.

Those were nice families though. I knew a few from around the neighborhood or played with them at the park. Dad and Leon were the only two there, if Mama ever convinced them to go together, who made a point of not looking at each other or speaking to each other in case they started arguing and made people stare. When Dad wasn’t there, Leon was just like any of the other big brothers or sisters who pushed their siblings on the swings or helped them climb up the ladder to the top of the slide. He let me sit on his shoulders while I played on the monkey bars until I was strong enough to pull myself across. Jungle Joshy he would call me.

Leon was different in general when Dad wasn’t around. Sometimes if Dad worked late, Leon would play with me while Mama made dinner. He taught me how to dance. He would turn on the radio and dance around the living room with me. He was really good. He could do turns on his toes and jump and spin in the air and do things that I, in the clumsiness of childhood, could never do. I tried every once in a while, but I usually ran into furniture and Mama would call out, Joshua, did you bump your head on the sofa again? or Leon, please make sure Joshua doesn’t hurt himself.

Then Dad would come home. I learned to listen for his car in the driveway, since that meant Leon would quickly turn off the music and grab a toy for me to play with instead. If he didn’t, Dad would come in and shout, Goddammit, Leon! I told you I will NOT have that queer prancing in my house! You are corrupting your brother! I swear if he turns out like you I’m kicking you both out!

Mama did her best to calm him down, but mostly I would have to go to my room again until things were quiet and dinner was ready. Either way, I never danced where Dad could see me, and neither did Leon.

When I was five and Leon was fifteen, things got even worse. Leon would disappear for hours at a time. If Mama asked or Dad ordered him to say where he was going and when he would be home, Leon would say, I’m going out with friends, I’ll be home when I’m back. Leon slammed the door a lot. It made Dad angry and he ranted off and on until Leon came home, then he’d switch back to shouting at him for a while.

By that age, I was curious as to what they argued about. No one else yelled as much as they did, not as far as I knew. After Mama shooed me into my room one day, I opened my door a crack and listened. They said some words I didn’t know, but just from the tone, I knew Dad was the angriest and Leon was the one fighting back.

"—an abomination! A sin against God! I thought going to church would straighten you out, but it’s like you want to burn in Hell!"

"I’m already in Hell! The only difference is it’s not hot enough and even Satan isn’t as crazy as you are!"

You watch your tone with me, boy! If you don’t like the roof I’ve put over your head and the food I put on this table then you can pack your things and go!

Maybe someday I will! Living in a cardboard box would be better than living here because at least in a cardboard box I don’t have to listen to your bigoted bitching all the time!

Don’t you use that language in front of your mother!

"Oh, so you can call me a faggot and a queer and tell me I’m going to Hell every other night, but I’m not allowed to complain? That’s bullshit!"

There was a smacking sound and Mama cried, Adam! Don’t hurt him!

You stay out of this, Sandra! This boy needs to learn his manners or he’ll never grow up to be a real man! He’ll just be another disrespectful punk burdening society! Leon sniffled and Dad got even louder. "Now he’s crying! Oh for God’s sake, can’t you even act like a man for once? What did I do to deserve having a pansy like this for a son?"

Mama urged Leon to go to his room. When I heard the footsteps, I quickly shut my door and went to play with my