Before I Let Go

By Marieke Nijkamp

From #1 New York Times bestselling author Marieke Nijkamp (This Is Where It Ends) comes Before I Let Go, an emotional thriller about a suspicious death, a friend desperate for answers, and their small town's sinister secrets.

Best friends Corey and Kyra were inseparable in their tiny snow-covered town of Lost Creek, Alaska. But as Kyra starts to struggle with her bipolar disorder, Corey's family moves away. Worried about what might happen in her absence, Corey makes Kyra promise that she'll stay strong during the long, dark winter.

Then, just days before Corey is to visit, Kyra dies. Corey is devastated—and confused, because Kyra said she wouldn't hurt herself. The entire Lost community speaks in hushed tones, saying Kyra's death was meant to be. And they push Corey away like she's a stranger.

The further Corey investigates—and the more questions she asks—the greater her suspicion grows. Lost is keeping secrets—chilling secrets. Can she piece together the truth about Kyra's death and survive her visit?

Perfect for readers looking for:

• Mystery books for teens
• Bipolar teen characters
• Asexual characters

Praise for Before I Let Go:

A New York Times Bestseller!

2019 ALA Rainbow List

2018 Teen Choice Book of the Year Nominee

"With exceptional handling of everything from mental illness to guilt and a riveting, magic realist narrative, this well wrought, haunting novel will stick with readers long after the final page."—Booklist *STARRED REVIEW*

"Compulsive readability… Intriguingly spooky"—Kirkus Reviews

"This sophomore novel from Nijkamp will haunt readers... The honest reflection of mental illness, suicide, friendship, and being an outsider provides ample topics for book discussion."—School Library Journal

"[A] reflective examination on love and returning home... Nijkamp has an uncommon talent for drawing readers deep into the psyches of her characters."—Publishers Weekly

Also by Marieke Nijkamp:

This Is Where It Ends

Even If We Break

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sourcebooks
• Release date: Jan 2, 2018
• ISBN: 9781492642299

Marieke Nijkamp

Marieke Nijkamp is the #1 New York Times–bestselling author of This Is Where It Ends. She is a storyteller, dreamer, globe-trotter, and geek. She currently resides in her home country, the Netherlands.

Book preview

ALSO BY MARIEKE NIJKAMP

This Is Where It Ends

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Copyright © 2018 by Marieke Nijkamp

Cover and internal design © 2018 by Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover design by Nicole Hower/Sourcebooks, Inc.

Cover images © Ilona Wellmann/Trevillion Images; Dominic Burke/Getty Images; SJKoenig/Getty Images; OlyaSolodenko/Getty Images

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book.

Published by Sourcebooks Fire, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc.

P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410

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The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

Names: Nijkamp, Marieke, author.

Title: Before I let go / Marieke Nijkamp.

Description: Naperville, Illinois : Sourcebooks Fire, [2018] | Summary: Returning to her small Alaska home town after her bipolar best friend's death, Corey uncovers chilling secrets about the townspeople and their treatment of Kyra prior to her drowning.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017015421 | (alk. paper)

Subjects: | CYAC: Death--Fiction. | Best friends--Fiction. | Friendship--Fiction. | Community life--Alaska--Fiction. | Artists--Fiction. | Manic-depressive illness--Fiction. | Mental illness--Fiction. | Alaska--Fiction.

Classification: LCC PZ7.1.N55 Bef 2018 | DDC [Fic]--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017015421

Contents

Front Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Day One

Midnight Flight

A Land of Gold and Loneliness

Stars and Stories

Unpredictable

Strangers, Traitors, Ghosts

Framed Moments

Loss

Saints and Sourdough

Doorways

The Lonely Lake

Memories of Infinity

In the Company of Others

Foreseen and Foretold

Whispers in the Night

Day Two

Astronomical Twilight

We Can Be Heroes

Conversations

The Choices We Make

A New Lost

Happily Sometimes

Now Here’s to You

Planting Seeds

To Those We Have Loved and Lost

Pathways

Abandon Hope

Gifts

Day Three

Wholesome Lives and Hot Springs

Birds with Broken Wings

A Shrine of Blossoms

Keeper of the Spa

Writing on the Wall

Nightmares

The Way the World Changes

Do You Understand Now?

Fear Her

Of the Dead, Nothing but Good

No Need to Say Goodbye

Scorn and Celebration

Service, Interrupted

Darkness Falls

A Backpack Full of Home

The Smell of Smoke

The Taste of Ashes

Day Four

Where Do We Go From Here?

Polar Twilight

Night Swimming

Testimony

A Cure for All Ills

Fear about Town

Empty Rooms, Lost Words

Dear Diary

History

Allies

Unexpected Friendship

Northern Lights

Day Five

The Smell of Changing Weather

Understanding Dawns

Top of the Morning

The Art of Living

Stealing in

The Art of Dying

The Mist, the Woods, the Darkness

Kyra vs. the Rest of the World

Belonging

Brushstrokes

Let Me Tell You a Story

Stolen Time

The Way the World Ends

Endless Night

Endless Day

Come to Steal Your Soul Away

Saving the World

Day Six

Hero Days

Homeward Bound

All the Lives We Shared

Author’s Note

Acknowledgments

A Conversation with the Author

About the Author

Back Cover

To the ones we lost along the way

As the story goes, the town of Lost Creek, Alaska, isn’t named after the eponymous stream. It’s named after its first group of colonial settlers, a handful of adventurers for whom the world didn’t have a place anymore. Lost men, who didn’t belong anywhere else. They set down their roots, stealing land that was never theirs, and carved their home between the mountains and the mines, the hot springs, the river, and the lake, during those long summer days when anything seemed possible.

Then the cold came. And these settlers discovered that they had built their home in the heart of winter. They’d come for new opportunity, but they found that winter is not malleable, and frost settles too. And no matter how hard they tried, they could not escape being lost.

Day One

Midnight Flight

The airplane’s engines rumble. The shades are drawn, and the lights are on low. The few passengers around me listen to music or try to sleep in their uncomfortable seats as we fly toward a harsher winter.

I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to since the call came. I stare blankly at the seat in front of me, but all I can see is her. Dark curls. Hazel eyes. Big heart. A girl who smiled even when the sun did not rise in the morning, who laughed in the face of darkness, who embraced her nights and cherished her days.

She took my heart and held it safe. She promised to wait for me, with words that echo in my mind and tender touches I can still feel on my skin.

She.

Kyra.

Mine.

Let me tell you a story.

She was my best friend. She was my everything. And I lost her.

Phone Call

Corey?

Mom? I just got back from the gym with Noa, and Eileen gave me your message. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it Luke? What happened?

Luke’s all right, honey. But I got a call this morning. I—I wanted you to hear it from me…

A call?

Lynda—Mrs. Henderson. Something happened in Lost Creek.

Kyra? Did she have an episode? Did she run away again?

No, it’s not that. It’s… She…

Mom, tell me. Please.

Corey, I’m sorry.

Mom, are you crying?

No one knows quite what happened, but they think she wandered across the lake and found a weak spot. They found her under the ice.

Wait—what?

She drowned. Kyra’s d—

No.

Corey…

No. No.

Corey, sweetheart, listen to me.

No. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t believe you.

Corey—Corey. Slow breaths. Listen to me. I spoke to your headmistress. Come home.

No.

You’re hurting—

Kyra can’t be dead. She promised to wait for me. She knows I’m coming to visit. She can’t be dead.

Lynda thinks—

It’s the first week of January! The lake should be frozen solid! It’s not possible.

Sheriff Flynn is investigating, but nothing suggests that her death was suspicious. Honey, Lynda thinks Kyra went looking for a crack in the ice.

No, no, no.

Kyra was ill. They tried to help her, but sometimes there’s nothing anyone can do.

I shouldn’t have left her. I never even replied to her last letters.

Oh, Corey.

I need to go to Lost, Mom. I promised I’d go back to her. I promised.

Come here first. Come home. I know I worked a lot of overtime at the hospital over the holidays, but come home. We’ll postpone your trip and spend time together, just the three of us.

I’d like that. I would, Mom. But I can’t not go. Can I still stay with the Hendersons?

Yes, but—

I need to go home-home, Mom. I’m sorry.

I never knew, between the two of you girls, who was more headstrong. Lynda said the school will host a memorial service next week. And Joe found a handwritten letter to you in her room. He thought having it might help. I’ll forward you his email with the photo.

Thanks.

Honey, everyone will understand if you want to cancel your trip.

I’ll be there. I want to go. I need to go.

Kyra needs me.

Letter from Kyra to Corey

unsent

A bonfire lights the town square to mark the longest night. Remember how we thought that the world would be a happier place with more celebrations? I’m not sure that’s true. I’m not sure I’m happier.

Someone left me salmonberries and flowers this morning. People do that a lot these days. Where the fruit and the flowers come from, I don’t know. Jan’s grocery store doesn’t sell them. Yet here they are.

How is life outside the boundaries of endless time? Are you enjoying your classes at St. James? Are you as happy as I thought you would be?

I hope you are. I know you never wanted to escape, but I’m glad you did. I can’t wait to escape too. I’m trying so hard to wait for you. But it’s hard, Cor. Lost is emptier now that you’re gone. And I’m lonelier. I’m less without you, and Lost wants more. I don’t remember the last time I slept. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. The night is not dark enough. The stars you love still whisper their secrets, but sometimes I think I know too much. Around here, everyone wants answers, but I am the only one with questions.

I miss you.

I miss the dark nights.

I miss the dawn.

I miss you.

And I’m sorry.

—Kyra

A Land of Gold and Loneliness

The airport is quiet, sterile. This early in the morning, the few people in the terminal are lost in predawn slumber, and I am lost too. I’ve been traveling for thirteen hours. Three thousand miles. I settle on the floor in front of the tall glass windows as Alaska wakes up to another day with scarce sunlight. I watch planes taxi to and from the runways.

In the reflection of the window, a young girl stares at me. She sits a few seats down, her dress bright against the darkness outside and the gray of the terminal. Although she can’t be more than eight or nine, even younger than my brother, I don’t see anyone with her. The traveler to her left rests his head against his backpack, but he keeps shifting, as if in a restless sleep. An elderly couple reads a day-old newspaper. And the girl’s eyes meet mine.

She holds a handful of flowers in front of her green dress. The petals are a familiar magenta, and she picks them off one at a time.

Salmonberries don’t grow here, not at an airport on the outskirts of a city. They’re not the kind of flower you’d find at a florist’s shop, and they certainly don’t bloom in January. The girl holds flowers that shouldn’t be. From this distance, I shouldn’t be able to hear what she’s saying either, but I do, as clearly as if she were standing next to me.

Endless day, endless night, come to set your heart alight.

With each cadence, she plucks off another petal.

At the end of her tune, she smiles.

My heart stutters. I clamber to my feet and turn to get a better look at her. But the waiting area is nearly empty. I spot the backpacker. The elderly couple. A family with twin boys. There’s no sign of the girl, as if she’d only existed in the window’s reflection.

Except that flower petals lie scattered across the floor, and her voice still swirls around me, singing the song that Kyra sang to me first.

Endless night, endless day, come to steal your soul away.

• • •

The fifth and final leg of the trip gets me going. I cling to my coffee, the deception of daylight, and a combination of restlessness and homesickness. I transfer to a small floatplane that will fly me northwest, to Lost Creek, where I’ll stay for the next five days, until another plane can bring me back here. Cramming my backpack into the seat next to me, I buckle up behind the pilot. I nod to him, but from the moment we take off, my forehead is glued to the window.

The lights of Fairbanks International Airport glimmer below us. To the east, the city glows electric and yellow under a blanket of clouds. At the start of the year, Fairbanks sees fewer than four hours of sunlight a day, and Lost Creek fewer still.

Kyra loved coming to Fairbanks. She thought Lost was claustrophobic. She wanted to travel. She wanted to study and explore. But the city never called to me. It always felt too large, too anonymous. Life may be softer here, the winters less threatening, but back home in Lost, people looked out for one another. In our tight-knit community, surrounded by nothing for miles, we had each other and the deep blue of twilight. To me, Lost felt safe.

Even now, I’m more at ease at St. James’s small boarding school in Dauphin than I am in the large house Mom bought in Winnipeg. She calls the neighborhood affluent and prosperous, though people never leave the confines of their own yards. Mom is rarely there to notice because she works long days at the children’s hospital. At least at school I have a community, friends, teammates. Still, we may have made our home in Canada, but I left my heart in Lost.

The plane leans north, and Fairbanks disappears behind us. We fly to an otherworldly place, one that does not play by the same rules. The evergreens wear an armor of snow. The air shimmers with cold. Lost Creek is godforsaken, with winters that feel cruel and permanent, and we are proud of our resilience. The journey to Lost is a rush of turbulence through snow and memories, and the refrain of those same awful words: Endless night, endless day. Come to steal your soul away.

By the time Lost comes into view, I’m spread thin by exhaustion and fear. Time flies like we do, and I’m not ready. I’m not ready to face that Kyra won’t be waiting for me, and I’m not sure I ever will be. I’m torn between homesickness so deep it aches and the debilitating uncertainty of what lies ahead, of not understanding what happened to my best friend.

I push my nails deep into the palms of my hands and keep my eyes on the landscape as we prepare to land. To the left are the camping grounds where a handful of tourists spend their summers fishing on the lake and hunting bears in the woods. The cabins are abandoned in winter, groaning under their blanket of snow.

To the right are the old mining works. Gold is still rumored to lie beneath the hills—or heavy metals, perhaps—but the easily accessible ores were all exhausted decades ago. Mining deeper would be expensive, and our mine is too small to be profitable. What lies under the land may hold promises of riches, but for Lost Creek, those promises are empty, and people know better than to rush now. Our community has grown to depend on itself and the carefully cultivated land, not on the unpredictable nature.

Our community. Lost Creek, established in 1898, population 247.

I breathe. Two hundred forty-six.

Bordered by its eponymous river, Lost Creek stands against the elements. Our small, narrow, gold-rush town has a police station, a combined elementary and high school, an office for the doctor with whom Mom often worked, a moderately well-stocked grocery store, a bakery, a sole café/pub, a post office/tourist center, and an abandoned spa with hot springs, which sits outside the borders of town. The spa is a dash of color on the bleak horizon. The first time Kyra and I went there, we thought it was a superhero headquarters.

The landing gear hits the ground with a jolt and my seat belt strains against my lap from the force. We bump to a stop. This runway and the single road through the interior are the only paths that connect Lost Creek to civilization. These two connections to the outside world used to be all we needed to survive. Nothing could harm us within these borders. Within this community, we stood together. All of Lost against the rest of the world.

All of us.

All of us except one. All of us except Kyra, who never felt like she belonged. She never cared for hunting or camping. Like her grandfather, Kyra wanted to study storytelling. She collected the town’s myths and legends, and she was always curious about what lay beyond. But Lost is a town that thrives on secrets, and in Kyra, all of Lost’s secrets lay exposed.

Stars and Stories

Two Years Before

In Lost, the easiest way to fit in is to fall into the town’s rhythm. And on the days when Kyra wasn’t with me, I did. I did my homework and my chores. I didn’t talk back to the adults in town. I kept an eye on Luke when Mom was away. I had my stars in the sky, and I didn’t need to go anywhere to observe them.

It should be enough, I told Kyra, when I snuck into her room at midnight.

She sat at her desk, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, half a dozen books open in front of her. Her knees were pulled up to her chin, glasses perched

Reviews for Before I Let Go

[jenn88-1 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Corey has moved away from the small town of Lost Creek, Alaska, and her best friend, Kyra. It's been seven months and she's just days away from going back to visit. But Kyra has died. Corey is devasted and confused. How could this have happened? Kyra promised to wait for her. When Corey returns to Lost, it isn't the same small community who accepted her and talked about Kyra, saying she didn't belong because of her mental illness. It's the opposite - Corey is the outsider now and Kyra is praised for her talent. The people of Lost say her death was meant to be. But Corey knows it wasn't meant to be. She knows Lost is keeping secrets and she's going to find out what they are.

When I started this book I thought it was so good! The writing was wonderful, the bond between the two girls was strong, the Alaskan setting was beautiful. I put this down just after the halfway point because I needed sleep. I couldn't understand how this book was getting such low ratings. When I picked it back up in the morning, I couldn't stand it anymore. It was SO repetitious. Corey is staying in Lost for just under a week and it's the same actions and conversations over and over and over. No characters had any real depth except for Corey and Kyra. And then when I found out what actually happened, ugh. It was absolutely absurd!

Thank you to Netgalley and Sourcebooks Fire for a copy of this book.

[khaddox-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book was provided to me free of charge by Edelweiss. I am voluntarily reviewing it.Before I Let Go is not your typical YA thriller, where you get to the end of the book and know who the bad guy is. Instead you'll ask yourself "who is the most to blame for what happened". Even that question will run you around in circles for a good long time. I feel this is one of those books that readers will either love or hate, and I fall on the love end of the spectrum.I would recommend this book to teen readers who appreciate diversity and who don't mind delving into a really twisted belief system.

[kamoorephoto · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This was an absolutely heart-wrenching read. It’s a story about a college-age girl called Corey going back to the tiny town of Lost Creek, Alaska, where she grew up, upon hearing that her very best friend, Kyra has suddenly died. But Corey knows something isn’t right and Kyra shouldn’t have ‘gone’ so soon. As soon as Corey gets back to Lost, she feels like an outsider in a place she used to know like the back of her hand. You immediately start reading and get an eerie feeling, and that unwelcome vibe she’s feeling is ominous. Author Marieke Nijkamp writes about the friendship between Kyra and Corey with such love and empathy, as well as she describes the cold, harsh veneer that the townspeople are throwing up against Corey upon her return. It’s mystifying and becomes more deeply disturbing, the more alone she feels. Nijkamp interestingly employs phone calls, flashbacks, letters, and even the use of screenplay-style writing structures to convey what’s going on in the story.I went into reading this not quite knowing that the underlying emotional and complex issue, beyond mammoth ones of grief and loss, is mental illness (bipolar disorder). There’s also a good amount of the characters exploring their sexuality, so there’s a significant LGBTQ storyline to this, and written with wonderful tenderness. When it came to the core issue of how Kyra was dealing with being bipolar and how her parents were not treating it appropriately, as well as issues with how she felt ostracized because of her illness, I do hope this brings up a larger conversation, and is thought about significantly when read. It is central to the whole story, and the effects of her illness not being dealt with are devastating. What is so beautiful to read about in this novel is the strong friendship between the girls, their different passions (for storytelling, for the stars, for travel), and the description of the frightening but likely majestic wilderness. This is a very unique novel, with an original setting, and I felt heartbroken that these two great friends had to lose each other. Thank you for the spectacular read, Sourcebooks.

[miss.mesmerized · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

For sixteen years, Corey and Kyra have been friends. Together they roamed the forests of Lost Creek, Alaska, went to school together and spent their free time together. Then, six months ago, Corey moved away with her mother and younger brother and left Kyra alone. Alone in a town who hated the girl because she was different. Her maniac-depressive behaviour irritated the 250 inhabitants of the small city; she was at best invisible, at worst an outsider. Two days before Corey is due to visit, Kyra is found dead. Beneath the ice of a lake in mid-winter. For Corey this is not only a shock, but unbelievable. Kyra cannot be dead and she would never have killed herself so shortly before her arrival. Her suspicion grows the closer she comes to her former hometown and finally there, she is not greeted with unanimous joy.Marieke Nijkamp’s novel is set against the Alaskan winter which perfectly reflects the mood of the novel. The atmosphere is gloomy and often spooky throughout the story and at times it actually gave me the creeps. It is a wonderful merge of a young adult novel and a thriller.Yet, first of all, it is a novel about friendship. Corey remembers her time with Kyra, the good ones and the bad ones and she is ruminating about the question if she has left her friend, left her alone with the ill-natured people of Lost Creek who resented her with her escapades. Could she have prevented a possible suicide or even murder of her friend? A tough question for a sixteen-year-old girl alone and face to face with a whole hostile town. On the other hand, it is a novel about life in a reclusive community who considers people who moved away outsiders after only a short time and who are hard to anybody who does not fit in their world-view. Where people do not talk much to somebody who does not belong to the inner circle. And a community who lives to its own laws and values. After only a couple of months, Corey does not understand them anymore, does not recognise the people she once loved anymore. Looming above all this is the question what happened to Kyra. Did she really change after Corey left? Did the people actually change in the last couple of weeks? Or is this just the story Corey is told to hide the truth.The author has a great talent in making you feel with the protagonist, I experienced this when I read her novel “This is where it ends” about a school shooting, too. “Before I let go” is a quick read that I enjoyed a lot.

[lilibrarian · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

When Corey leaves for baording school, she promises to keep in touch with her best friend Kyra back home in Lost Creek Alaska. She doesn't reply to cards or letters, and days before Corey is to return home on break, Kyra dies. When Corey arrives, everyone in the town is acting strangely, and saying that Kyra saw th future and was painting portents of her own death. Something is wrong, and Corey needs to know what is going on.

[acargile-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This is a story of why someone died.Corey’s family leaves Lost, Alaska, a town that is so insular that Corey is now considered a stranger and is unwanted. She always considered it home but realizes that her move to a larger town and a better school is better for her. She has two regrets. She swore to never leave and always come back to her best friend, Kyra. She maintains one promise and returns for Kyra’s funeral. She wants to know how the town allowed her to die. She feels that she and they let Kyra down by not saving her. Corey knew the town always rejected Kyra; often, the citizens would only acknowledge Corey. Now that Corey has returned, they refuse to accept Corey and talk about how Kyra gave the town hope again. In the five days that Corey is in town, she must discover what truly happened. She doesn’t believe that Kyra could fall through the ice and drown. The ice doesn’t start melting for a while yet. There’s got to be more to the story. In her investigation, Corey finds many unknowns. Kyra had gone off her medication, which made her manic. She wouldn’t sleep for days at a time and would paint frantically. The town believed her paintings were prophesies of the town. The believe Kyra’s death was foretold, so they want Corey gone. The town’s stories are not for outsiders and are meant to stay within the town. Corey should leave. If she learns anything, she has no right to tell their story outside. In order to find the truth, Corey worries her life may be at risk.Overall, the story is perfectly fine. I didn’t find it exceptional or unexceptional. I wanted to find out the truth, but I would have preferred it sooner. There’s a lot of moving about, but the suspense doesn’t build smoothly. If you’re looking for a pleasant psychological suspense, this novel will be a perfectly fine choice. As it would appeal more to high school students, I won’t be ordering it for our library.

[Lily Lee · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The story is powerful; I like how it was presented. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to [e-mail] or [e-mail]

[thereserose5 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book really had me in the beginning. The suspense and trying to puzzle piece together along with Corey about what happened to Kyra really kept me intrigued and interested. The town of Lost Creek was very well built and I was enraptured in the world and in Corey's mind. The outcome was ultimately a let down and took a turn to the truly unbelievable in a story that was relatively believable until that point. It was still 4 stars because I devoured the book in a matter of hours due to the great build of suspense.

[kbranfield-837433 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp is a mystical young adult novel about friendship, mental illness and loss.

Corey Johnson and her family's move from Lost Creek, Alaska to Canada means leaving behind her best friend, Kyra Henderson. The young women have sort of drifted apart since the move in spite of Kyra's letters and Corey's upcoming visit. Shocked to learn Kyra has died, Corey goes to Lost Creek to try to understand what happened to her friend. She quickly discovers the townspeople now consider her an outsider and despite some eerie and threatening occurrences, Corey is determined to understand what happened to Kyra in the months leading up to her death.

While Corey is more of a scientist, Kyra is a gifted painter who used art to help her deal with the manic phase of her bipolar disorder. Corey never dreamed the residents of Lost Creek would believe that Kyra's vibrant paintings were anything other than art. Needless to say, she is stunned to learn that the townspeople finally accepted Kyra into their midst and they believed her paintings were portents of the future.  

As Corey tries to uncover the truth about what happened in the aftermath of her move, she is troubled by what seem to be ethereal encounters that she cannot decide are real or a product of her imagination. Even more frightening are the reactions of Kyra's parents and the rest of the town when Corey refuses to stop trying to understand exactly why no one stepped in to help Krya is the months before her death.

Although well-written, the pacing of the novel is extremely slow. Neither Kyra nor Corey are well-developed and the secondary characters are somewhat superficial.  Much of the young women's friendship is revealed through a series of non-linear flashbacks so trying to keep up with the time frame in which events are occurring is confusing. Toward the end of the novel, a few chapters appear to be written from the town's perspective and these snippets are presented as if they are scenes from a play. The entire storyline is somewhat unrealistic and the townspeople's collective reaction to what happened to Kyra  is too incredibly strange to believe.  And Kyra's parents' easy acceptance of the sequence of events is just so bizarre and the way they treat Corey is heartbreaking.

An interesting story with a great atmosphere, Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp is a unique young adult novel that touches on true to life issues.  Despite the fantastic setting, readers might be frustrated by the confusing timeline, a hard to believe storyline and a vaguely dissatisfying conclusion that leaves a few unanswered questions.

[jreynolds1959 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Corey & Kyra are absolute best friends in Lost, Alaska. Kyra is a little different and Corey is really her only friend. Lost is a very small town, a little under 300 is the population. These two girls do everything together. The community tends to ignore Kyra, as she is bi-polar and has "spells". Corey tries to keep her together when these things happen. Corey is interested in the stars and such. Kyra is interested in telling and learning historical stories. Corey and her family are moving from Lost. Corey & Kyra promise to stay in touch and Corey swears that she will come back and take Kyra away. Corey is going back to Lost, but receives a phone call that Kyra has passed away. Corey goes back to Lost to learn more about what happened, and finds the town has changed, with an absolute adoration of Kyra. This book was so redundant. There really was not much of a story here. The author's descriptive writing was fantastic, though. It just felt as if I was reading the same thing through every chapter.

[carlathelibrarian · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I read the last book from Marieke Nijkamp and really liked it, I had high hopes for this one, but unfortunately it does not measure up.I rounded this rating up from 2.5. I liked the short chapters and the underlying story about mental health but parts of it were a bit strange. When the town grabs onto this teen and uses her manic episodes to heal themselves and the town, it was difficult to understand. How parents went along with this was a huge mystery to me. As far as a YA book goes, teens might enjoy it very much and the message of accepting those with mental illness is very timely. The character of Corey was well written and it was easy to feel her emotions but most of the other characters were shallow and hard to understand their motives and actions. I do not want to give away the story so will leave it at that. The publisher generously provided me with a copy of this book via Netgalley.

[courtneygiraldo · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I honestly really don’t know how I feel about this book, lets unpack it shall we?Corey and Kyra have always been inseparable. Growing up the small Alaskan town of Lost, they were outsiders, but they always had each other. Corey was the only one who understood Kyras manic highs and depressive lows in a town rife with judgement and shunning. Six months after moving away to Canada for her mothers new job opportunity, Corey gets a call that Kyra has been found dead in the lake, under the frozen surface. Corey goes back to her childhood home for Kyras memorial and realizes this town, and the people in it, have become strangers. Corey is convinced Kyra would never kill herself, and the town is hiding secrets. Don’t let this synopsis fool you, this book is not your run of the mill murder mystery. It has an ethereal almost otherworldly feel to it. Lost, cut off from the world with his snow and ice harbors a sort of preternatural feel which is hard to put into words. Corey is desperate for answers and continues to uncover horrible truths about Kyras last months in Lost before her death. I was so certain that I knew how this book would turn out (I was convinced Kyra and Corey were the same person with a case of dissociative identity disorder and this was some insane therapeutic way to separate her personalities and leave her with only one- I was waaaaay off base). It was creepy, cultish, and sinister and the setting of this isolated Alaskan town really lent itself to setting that tone and mood throughout the book. There were some aspects of the supernatural almost- premonitions of the future and voices from beyond the grave. There were some interesting themes that were explored which were refreshing to read. Mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder as well as various angels of sexuality that are too often underrepresented in literature. Overall, I would say this was an entertaining read. It was certainly different from any other mystery I’ve read in awhile, even if I was left slightly dazed and confused at the end.

[bingereader87 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

First i want to thank NetGalley for giving me this in exchange for an honest review. It took me a long time to get around to it but I'm glad in finally did read it.

This is about two friends, one with bi-polar disorder and shunned by the town. After going away for school and her mother's new job, Corey finds herself back in town after her friend's apparent suicude. Not all is as it seems as Corey struggles to find out the story behind her best friend's death.

This is an interesting and pretty good story and I really liked it. It reminded me of Life is Strange, in a sense. (If you play video games, give that one a try).

[thelibraryladies · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

I want to extend a special thanks to NetGalley for sending me an ARC of this book!It’s been a cold cold cold January up here in L’Etoile du Nord, and while we weren’t hit with a bomb cyclone of snow our temps were pretty low starting out the month. So whenever I read books that take place in Alaska, I usually think to myself ‘yeah, I feel that’. So the town of Lost Creek in “Before I Let Go” felt pretty darn relatable, at least in terms of climate and temperature. But Marieke Nijkamp made sure that the comparisons stopped there, as she created a community based on secrecy and lies. So when I picked this up I thought that I was getting a weird and creepy story about a town hiding things. Sadly, that wasn’t what Nijkamp gave me, and to be honest I’m not totally sure what exactly she did give me. “Before I Let Go” was a bit of a muddled mess.The story is told in a couple of ways. The main ways are through flashbacks and moments in the present. We see the relationship that Corey and Kyra had before Corey and her mother moved away, and we also see how Corey is dealing with the loss of her friend, and how the town is dealing as well. And within those two ways, we get a couple of devices. Those devices include phone conversations, written out like transcripts, and then actual letters and correspondence, with notes as to whether they were sent or not. I usually like stories that experiment with the storytelling, and these devices were fine. But there was a third device that wasn’t introduced until halfway into the book, and that was through what appeared to be either screenplay or play directions. This only happened a couple of times, and it was introduced so late that it felt less organic and far more jarring. The first time it happened I was completely thrown for a loop, and it yanked me right out of the story. If you are going to use this device, I feel like it would better serve the story if you do it far earlier than halfway into it.I also had a hard time getting invested in the characters and the story. The description seemed to imply that this was going be a mystery a la “Twin Peaks”, with a strange town with secrets that culminate with a dead girl who died mysteriously, but I didn’t feel like it ever took the plunge with any of the themes. For example, Kyra, who is bipolar (more on that in a bit), painted to cope with her manic episodes, and it’s implied that she has a bit of a psychic or prophetic ability through her painting. So, of course the town starts to take interest in this, as they want to know what their futures hold. Which is fine, but the psychic angle isn’t explored that much at all. It’s just thrown out there as a reason for the town to latch on, and it’s never said why she has them, IF she has them, or how they manifest. So it feels less like an intriguing plot point and more like a device that could have been achieved in other ways. So what did this story want to be? A small town melodrama? A coming of age/coming home story? A supernatural mystery? I wasn’t certain. If it wanted to be all three, I don’t think they were combined well into a single narrative. While we do get to learn a fair amount about Kyra through Corey’s memories, the letters, and the town people and their recollections, I feel like we know very little about Corey, our actual protagonist. All we know is that she had a deep relationship with Kyra, and wants to find out what happened to her, an obsession that is stoked by her own guilt for leaving her in the first place.I do have to give props on a few things though. I did think that it was neat that Nijkamp made the choices to make a number of her characters LGBTQIA, as Corey is asexual, there is a gay couple in town, and Kyra was a lesbian. One of the central conflicts that Corey is struggling with is the fact that she and Kyra had a tense moment that they never really addressed, which wasn’t so great because it definitely felt a little ‘bury your gays’ for Kyra. But I do like that Nijkamp did have some ace representation, and doesn’t portray Corey as ‘disgusted’ by intimacy, as the stereotypes can sometimes imply. It also seemed to be that Nijkamp was conscientious to be careful and respectful when writing Kyra and her bipolar disorder. There was a very important moment where Kyra expresses frustration that she is only being seen as her bipolar disorder and not as a person, and I think that with so much stigma around mental illness having characters like Kyra is important for representation.So while I think the representation and the themes of mental illness were well achieved, overall “Before I Let Go” was a disappointment, story wise. I had higher hopes for it, and while I could see myself recommending it to some, if you are looking for the thriller this might have wanted to be, look elsewhere.

[catherinehsu · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

The very first thing that caught my eye about this book was the cover. It has that chilling vibe that fits well-enough with the Alaskan setting of the story.There is a little town in Alaska named Lost Creek, where nothing ever changes. Corey lived there with her best friend Kyra for years, until Corey moved away, leaving Kyra all alone in a community that has never accepted her. But they promised to wait for each other. The time has finally come for Corey to visit, but days before, Kyra unexpectedly dies. Corey still returns to Lost, desperately trying to figure out what happened, but the townspeople are saying the oddest things.It was meant to be.It was her time to go.So be it.I was definitely quite invested in the story from the beginning, and I really loved the beautiful writing, which was quite haunting. I'm personally a fan of unconventional writing styles that may not always fit the "correct English rules," and the author manipulated the writing to fit the mood of the story well. There are sections, however, where the writing style looks a bit like the transcript of a play or something of that sort, and I definitely noticed myself becoming less engaged during these parts.The plot was very interesting from the jump, and I enjoyed reading Corey's return to Lost, but as the book wore on, the plot became a bit repetitive and slow. The cycle was that Corey would ask a Lost resident about Kyra; they would say something that would upset Corey, and the cycle would repeat all over again. Therefore, although I quite liked learning about the characters, and the story itself was definitely very character-centric around Corey and Kyra, I wasn't the huge fan of how the plot played out. The ending felt like a combination of anticlimactic and out of the blue, especially considering how long the build-up was.Overall, I would still say that I loved the setting and the vibe of the book overall, but the plot only gets a "meh" from me.

[standhenry · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Before I Let Go is a Young Adult novel about friendship, community, mental illness, and dreams. The story begins with 16 year old, Corey, returning home to Lost Creek, Alaska for the memorial services of her best friend, Kyra. Lost Creek is in a remote section of Alaska and protects their own. "You know how it is, dear. You're an outsider. And Lost Creek does not take kindly to strangers." Corey wants to understand how and why Kyra died? Was it an accident? She finds the town changed since she left 7 months before. The buildings look different, the people seem to have a renewed sense of hope. And no one wants to talk about Kyra. Why do people keep saying, "So be it."? The book is full of suspense as you try to figure out what is real, who is a friend, and is anywhere safe. Do we really know people? I couldn't put this book down & read it in one day.

[brangwinn · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

An unsettling story of two friends in Lost, Alaska. When Corey leaves with her mom and brother for Canada, she leaves behind her best friend, Kyra, who is bipolar and has few friends. When Kyra commits suicide, Corey returns and finds herself an outsider as she tries to piece together what happened to her best friend. I was glad the book was not lengthy. I found the descriptions of what Kyra experienced in her bipolar mood swings horribly powerful, which is what I expect the author wanted the reader to know-that bipolar people have too much too deal with.

[heatherlinc · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Hmm, I have mixed feelings about this book. Whilst I enjoyed the beautiful, atmospheric descriptions of the small, isolated Alaskan town, I didn't really like the story itself. The only character who felt close to real was Corey, who had returned to Lost Creek to attend her best friend's funeral. The rest of the townspeople were very flat, but creepy, with lots of secrets they didn't want revealed.While there was certainly a mystery over Kyra's death, the vibe was missing and the plot lacked suspense. I was absolutely disgusted how the people of Lost Creek abused Kyra's talents and, when I discovered how Kyra really died, I was horrified. I could NOT understand the locals thinking - even her parents. How could they?!I thought Kyra's bi-polar disorder was handed well but, overall, "Before I Let You Go" lacked depth and intensity. In the second-half of the novel I was skimming pages. There was no resolution or justice and I was left feeling disappointed having thoroughly enjoyed "This is Where it Ends" by the same author.

[booklover3258 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I received this book for free and I am so glad I did! Possibly one of the best books I've read this year. It's about a girl going back to her hometown when she finds out her best friend died. What happens is a collection of letters, thoughts and observations that will make you think of how cruel life can be. I cried .. I sobbed... It was so sad. The ending was a shocker... I did not see that coming at all and was like omg wtf?!? A must read.

[lostinalibrary · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Seven months ago, seventeen-year-old Corey had left her hometown of Lost, Alaska as well as her best friend, Kyra. Now she is returning after Kyra’s suicide to try to understand what caused it. But the town Corey is returning to is not the town she left. She expected to find comfort and answers; instead she is met with suspicion and anger, even threats. She is reminded at every turn that she is no longer one of them. Before she left, Kyra, who was bipolar, was shunned by the town. Now it is Corey who is shunned while the town seems to have built almost a cult around Kyra. Kyra had painted, not because she wanted to, but because she needed to as a coping mechanism. Now her murals and paintings are everywhere. Before, the town was dying. Now it is flourishing and the town is convinced that Kyra is responsible. Kyra expected people to show at least some sense of sorrow at Kyra’s suicide, a death Kyra depicted in one of her paintings. Instead, even her parents insist that it was meant to be. Before I Let Go, the YA novel by Marieke Nijkamp, was not what I expected. Based on the publisher’s blurb, I thought it would be social commentary wrapped in a mystery. As I began the story, I wanted more about teen suicide and Kyra’s mental illness. I did like the portrayal of how people react to mental illness whether it is to shun those who are afflicted or, conversely, to treat them like mystics or prophets. Certainly, Nijkamp alludes to this. However, she seems, despite Corey’s rational arguments against the town’s cult like behaviour, to place the story in the second camp – Kyra does seem to have the gift of prophecy, the ability to make magical things happen. In the end, Before I Let Go seemed more Midwich Cuckoo than eg. All The Bright Places. Still, I enjoyed the descriptions of Alaska. And once I accepted that this was not the book I was anticipating, I did enjoy the threatening atmosphere and the overall creepiness of the town and its citizens. Although I didn’t love the story, I like it enough to give it a solid 3 stars.Thanks to Netgalley and Sourcebooks Fire for the opportunity to ready this book in exchange for an honest review