The Blessing of the Animals

By Jacob Love

In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little green church at the corner of Wilson and Elm...

So begins each story of the misadventures of the congregation, clergy, and staff of a small town church. The tales collected in “The Blessing of the Animals” begin with the story of how an ornery gerbil upended a whimsical annual tradition. They continue with Pastor O’Donnell’s poorly thought-out attempts to bring spiritual enlightenment to his flock through technology in “A/V” and “Video Game Ministry.” Other stories tell of the romantic misadventures of the pastor’s teenage daughter, Katie, and the dutiful work of church secretary Tammy Billings and her husband, Ralph, the unofficial church handyman... work which is not always appreciated by those who benefit from it. You’ll also hear about the church’s new softball team, The Miracles, whose athletic abilities and teamwork sometimes leave much to be desired... but occasionally live up to their name.

No matter what religion or denomination you are, if you attend a place of worship, you’ll undoubtedly find many of the people and events at the Little Green Church in Normal, Pennsylvania, painfully – and hilariously – familiar.

• Language: English
• Publisher: SEE EWE Publishing
• Release date: Dec 11, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370006878

Book preview

The Blessing of the Animals

And Other Tales from the Little Green Church

By Jacob Love

Copyright 2010, 2016 by Douglas J. Eboch

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The stories in this book were originally published online on the Little Church blog between 2007 and 2011. They have been revised for this book.

For Mom and Dad

Contents

Introduction

Acknowledgements

The Blessing of the Animals

The Funeral of Gerry the Gerbil

Video Game Ministry

Hearing Better

Stung

First and Long

Church of the Living Dead

Panic Button

The Premiere

Road Rage

The Substitute

The Ghost of Ernest Eagleton

Howl in One

Odd Jobs

Cranky

The Normal Miracles

Practice Makes Miracles

Overrun

The Miracles: Game One

A/V

The Agony of Victory

The Car Wash

About the Author

Introduction

Two events inspired the Little Green Church Stories series. First, I was appointed to the Staff-Parish Relations Committee of my own church. Second, a close friend began dating a clergy person. Through these two windows I was able to see the inner workings of churches and the lives of pastors outside of the pulpit. I witnessed or heard many things that made me think, That would be a funny story!

So I began writing short stories about a little church and the quirky people who are involved with it. Though the church, town, and characters are all fictional, I never seemed to lack for real life inspiration for stories.

I was determined that these not be heavy handed religious stories. I wanted to talk about the regular people who go to church and the ordinary foibles and conflicts they have. I wanted the tales to be enjoyable regardless of the reader’s religious affiliation or the regularity of their church attendance. If there were any spiritual lessons to be learned, they would come through humor and entertainment.

This book collects many of the earlier stories I wrote about the church. It tells of the efforts of Pastor O’Donnell to shepherd his contentious flock, the trials and tribulations of church secretary Tammy Billings and her dutiful husband, Ralph, and the travails of Karen Winslow and her preschool Sunday School class, The Guppies. You’ll also find stories about the romances and teen adventures of Pastor O’Donnell’s daughter, Katie, and her best friend, Tabitha. Finally, toward the end there are several stories about the church softball team, The Miracles.

I hope you enjoy it!

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Acknowledgements

I would like to thank Dr. Joey McDonald and Rev. Janelle Vaughan, two pastors who have helped me with this project through the years. I would also like to thank all of the people from First United Methodist Church of North Hollywood. They are too numerous to mention individually, however I would like to single out one: Norma Villee was a huge fan and supporter of the Little Church Stories from the beginning. She’s since passed away and I will miss her greatly.

I want to acknowledge the people who have kept me involved with church at times when I maybe wasn’t so keen on it. Nez Smith was instrumental in welcoming me to FUMC North Hollywood. And I know I gave the leader of my youth group in high school, Ann Lockhart, a lot of trouble and I’m grateful she kept after me. And of course I must thank my parents for raising me in the church.

I also need to thank all those who encouraged and supported me in my writing career. My parents again deserve credit for raising me to believe I could do anything I set my mind to and then backing me no matter what I chose. I also owe a great debt to all my teachers – writing and otherwise.

Thank you!

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The Blessing of the Animals

In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little green church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. One Saturday each fall the church holds its Blessing of the Animals ceremony, wherein all the kids in the congregation bring their pets to be blessed. Though Pastor O’Donnell found the theology a little sketchy, it was one of the more fun events he presided over during the course of the year.

This year, however, tragedy struck.

But before we get to that, let me tell you about Gerry the Gerbil. Gerry was the official pet of the preschool age Sunday school class, which was known as the Guppies and taught by Karen Winslow. Karen had taken to calling Gerry Methuselah because he had lived a full two years beyond the five-year upper end of the lifespan commonly given for Gerbils. At the age of seven he was older than any of the kids in the preschool class. Karen attributed his longevity to his ornery-ness.

Gerry probably had good reason to be ornery given that every seven days he was scooped from his cage, put in a plastic ball, and then generally assaulted by four and five-year-olds for an hour. God rested on the seventh day… Gerry did not. Mary Boyer was Gerry’s primary tormentor. Mary considered Gerry to be her very best friend at church. Karen doubted Gerry felt the same way.

Naturally, Gerry was one of the animals who received the annual blessing from Pastor O’Donnell. That Saturday morning, Karen plucked Gerry from his cage and placed him into his plastic ball. She carried him out to where the other kids and their pets were gathered. Mary wanted to introduce Gerry to her cat, Tantric, but Karen explained that Gerry might be a little overwhelmed, what with all the new animals around.

Pastor O’Donnell’s daughter, Katie, had brought her dog, Wags, to be blessed. Wags was a mid-sized, floppy-eared, spotted mutt of indeterminate lineage Katie had gotten at the pound on her tenth birthday. Now fifteen, Katie usually preferred to spend her Saturday mornings almost anywhere but the church. However, she really loved Wags and actually looked forward to having him blessed each year – not that she would ever admit such a thing to her father.

Wags also loved the event, though of course he didn’t understand what the blessing part was all about. What Wags really loved, with almost equal passion, were people and other dogs, and he could barely contain his enthusiasm as Katie walked him over to a whole group of brand new people, several accompanied by new dogs. So many rear ends, so little time to sniff, thought Wags.

The ceremony was held on the grassy lawn behind the classroom wing of the church. Gerry had the privilege of receiving his blessing first. Afterward, Karen set him down in his plastic ball on a picnic table that was pushed up against the building, wedging the ball against the wall with a rock. Being in his ball but not able to roll it made Gerry anxious. He began jumping around, throwing his weight this way and that, trying to dislodge the ball. After several minutes, he succeeded. He motored happily away, realizing only as he was sailing off the edge of the table that perhaps there was a reason Karen had immobilized him.

Gerry’s plastic ball bounced into the grass, tossing Gerry about but not really hurting him. Once Gerry regained his senses, he decided to explore. He wasn’t used to running around outside. He scampered along unnoticed by anyone until he ran behind Pastor O’Donnell just as the pastor was blessing Tantric.

The majority of pets present were dogs, all of whom stared in amazement as the small rodent cruised by in its plastic bubble. Then the shock of such an odd vehicle wore off, and they realized it didn’t matter what the rodent was driving, it was still a rodent and therefore had to be chased. Pandemonium ensued. Gerry was a little hard of hearing, but he could certainly hear the ruckus raised by the dogs. Noting that all of them were restrained, Gerry wheeled his ball over near them and did a little dance just to taunt them.

Really, the dog owners did an admirable job keeping their dogs in control given the circumstances. However, poor Katie was knocked to the ground by a large German Shepherd and lost hold of Wags’ leash. Wags broke free from the crowd, and Gerry decided it was time to make his getaway. He motored his ball through an arch that led to the church courtyard – Wags hot on his furry little tail.

Katie, Karen, and Pastor O’Donnell dashed after the two animals. Katie and Pastor O’Donnell yelled for Wags, though their voices were drowned out in the cacophony of barks behind them. Karen called for