Cloudy with a Chance of Zombies

By Daniel Cotton

Today's weather map has been brought to you by Zombies, they're everywhere you wanna be.

“Hello America, it is raining men out there, in the literal sense. It truly is the End of Days, I have done the count, seven trumpets are in fact blowing. The storm extends from coast to coast and even across the pond. We aren’t going to be seeing another sunrise as the population drops, and the dead come up beneath us. This is affecting all walks of life; the young and the old, the rich and the poor, it’s even dashing summer time fun for folks at amusement parks. Those trying to seek shelter at malls and other shopping centers are having no luck, there is no escaping this, and there is no end in sight. My suggestion is to stay inside, curl up with a good book, and hope for the best. Now, let’s take look at what’s happening in your neck of the woods.”

Cloudy With a Chance of Zombies is a collection of six short tales of the living dead; Fanboy, Storybook Land of the Dead, Zombies in the Mist, Eat the Rich, Deadbeat, and Sherlock Holmes and the Walking Dead. Fans of the sleuth and lovers of the living dead won’t be disappointed. 
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Daniel Cotton
• Release date: Sep 4, 2016
• ISBN: 9781540115744

Book preview

Fanboy

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He has prepared for this his entire life. Ever since adolescence when he witnessed his first zombie shambling across the screen in black and white, he was instantly hooked and embarked upon a quest to see every film ever made, read every book ever written, and play every video game produced that involved the walking dead. He drafted a perpetual Christmas list of titles to aide in his mission. Other kids may have asked Santa for a new bike, a puppy, or a baby brother. He requested guns, gore, and death.

The obsession knows no bounds and actually spills into his day to day life. Once, when his folks were house hunting his vote was based on the answer to one question: How would this home fare during an onslaught of the undead? He couldn’t tell his parents the truth of where his decision came from. Instead he pointed out the best features in terms they would understand. Their house is on the top of a hill and has a three foot retaining wall surrounding it, the perfect deterrent against flood damage, as well as a deterrent against zombies. Their yard is fully enclosed by a wrought iron fence and the windows of the first floor are tastefully barred to prevent prowlers, living or dead. The large porch that encompasses the house is screened in and has thick plastic storm windows that can be installed when the snow starts falling, or when the dead start rising.

All of these details combined, coupled with his dad’s Winchester, and it is the ideal place to live once the deceased get peckish. Derek can think of no better place to be in the event of such a situation. If only he was there now.

Young Derek was at work when the plague spread through town two days ago. It’s his dream job. He works at the local video store which allows him access to virtually every movie ever made. He has been locked in with one of his customers since the onset, trying to subsist on stale movie watching snacks.

Ewww... I’m starting to smell like you, the blonde woman scrunches her perfect face into a grimace of disgust. They are forced to crouch together behind the counter to avoid being seen from the storefront windows. Hanging by their heads, on the back wall, are the titles parents may not want their kids to pick up accidentally.

Do you want me to make some popcorn? There’s a microwave behind here. Derek nervously speaks to the beautiful woman who is ten years his senior, yet would only admit to five if you asked her.

Kid, have you seen my ass? she points to the floor. You don’t keep a butt looking like this by eating carbs.

He has seen it. It’s everywhere. She has been on the cover of men’s magazines, in music videos, and most recently she appeared on a reality dating show where she competed for the heart of an aging musician. This is the woman’s hometown. She had gotten her start in the local beauty pageant circuit before being discovered.

I can’t believe I’ve been trapped in this store for two days with nothing real to eat, surrounded by porn, she exclaims desperately.

We don’t carry porn, Derek assures her. These are all hard ‘R’s. They have brief nudity, but mostly bikinis and lingerie... There’s no penetration.

Swell, she says sarcastically, as if the distinction actually means something to her. Her eyes travel along the selections and stop on her own smiling face upon the cover of one ironically entitled ‘Hard R’ starring herself, Samantha Steel. She snatches it down before he notices where her gaze laid.

Derek has already seen the ‘film’. It is a rite of passage among the boys of this town. The best part of his job is his ability to borrow any movie he wants for a night. He can even watch them in the store as long as he censors anything lurid or disturbing.

An uncomfortable silence hangs in the air. She looks depressed. Derek thinks of something he hopes may cheer her up, I think that Rett Mills in an asshole.

You know, my agent told me it would be good for my career to throw myself at an aging rocker I’ve never even heard of, she starts to cry. How much work do you think you can get once a washed up douchebag calls you a vapid whore?

She says more but Derek can’t understand her. Her words become a wet blubbering jumble in his ears. He figures he shouldn’t have brought it up.

Let’s just sit here quietly, and wait to be rescued, he suggests.

... and now I’m stuck in here with a kid who smells like Cheetos... Can’t keep his eyes off of my tits, or his mind out of my panties... I wish I was trapped in a mall.

That’s it! A light bulb comes on in the boy’s mind, the mall is the perfect place to hole up in. We can get some guns from the sporting goods store, clear out the dead and live there. It’s exactly like his second favorite movie. This should cheer her up for sure, he thinks.

Let’s do it! he says with confidence.

Huh? she asks, not entirely sure what ‘it’ is.

I doubt I can get us to my place through all of this. So, let’s go to the mall. It will have more room, better food and guns.

How?

The actual plan is still under construction. Derek is sure that if anyone can get them into the mall it’s him, or perhaps Bruce Campbell. My car is parked out back. We can get in and just cruise over there.

He makes it seem so simple her sniffling actually ceases, Will it be safe?

Of course, he assures, getting to his feet. He peers out through the window. A group of zombies are at the end of the parking lot chasing someone. These zombies are much faster than the type he prefers.

Derek likes the classic ghouls who lumber slowly. They just seem creepier, and they give the hope that one can get away. However, in large numbers you’re done for. The real zombies outside are more like those of the newer movies. He hates the trend and only owns copies of those pictures for completion purposes. He wears a tee shirt that expresses his sentiment: Fast Zombies Suck. He had special ordered it online.

The monsters outside have caught their quarry and are tearing him to pieces. Derek is losing confidence in his plan, and it isn’t for the fact the undead are so vicious in their attack and eat so thoroughly of their victims. One corpse is actually tonguing meat from between the man’s foot bones. Derek is worried because he is quite out of shape. If forced into a foot race for my life, I’m fucked.

So? Are we going or what? the lady asks as if annoyed by the delay.

Yes, Samantha, he feels weird using her name since she hasn’t offered it, even though everyone in town knows who she is. He leads her to the back room. From here they can exit the service door. His car is parked next to the dumpster.

Derek cracks the metal door and peers out slowly to make sure it’s safe to proceed. Sam follows him to his beat-up hatchback. The engine turns over and they are on their way.

Ewww! This car smells, Sam says with disgust. I can’t believe I have to ride in this thing.

The mall is so close Derek could just kick himself for not thinking of this sooner. The shopping center actually shares the parking lot with the video store. The small car heads to the main entrance.

Stay here, Derek tells his passenger so he can venture out to the glass doors. Each is sealed tight.

What now, Hero? she asks, sounding bored. The boy doesn’t answer out of embarrassment. He guides the car around to the back and parks amid several dumpsters. What is it with you and trash? 

We’ll climb to the roof from here. All we have to do is get on the dumpster and jump to that light. From there we can haul ourselves onto the roof, he points out the route he intends for them.

You can do all that, she says. And then open a door for me.

Derek concedes since it would be safer if only one of them attempts this. He glances around and sees the area is free of zombies. There is a group of the dead at the far end of the lot that hasn’t noticed them yet. He exits the car.

Derek is able to get his portly frame on top of the steel receptacle with little strain. He walks to the edge and prepares to jump. He must grab onto a metal light fixture that is bolted to the building’s concrete exterior. He takes a few breaths and goes for it.

The fixture’s black edges bite into his fingers as he hangs from it. His legs kick out, hoping to catch the wall, but he can’t quite reach. He has to wade through the pain and pull himself up. He rests his chin on the jagged rim, using his face as a third hand so he can reach out and grab a hold of the flexible aluminum cable that runs power to the unit. He’s on the light.

A vertical jump is required to grab the ledge. This time he can ascend more easily by using the wall’s friction. Once on the roof he must get his bearings. He knows the sporting goods store is on this side of the mall and should be two stores from where he stands.

Derek walks hunched over, trying to be as small as possible so the dead don’t catch sight of him. The gravel roof crunches under his footsteps. Subconsciously, he knows he isn’t being overly loud, but to him the popping of the tiny rocks under his weight is deafening.

Every store has a hatch for roof