The Polyamorous Home: The Polyamory on Purpose Guides, #2

By Jess Mahler

Polyamorous relationships challenge the way mainstream society expects people to live. Mainstream assumptions about who sleeps where, how a family manages their money, and even who lives together, fail before the sheer variety of ways polyam folks build our relationships.

The Polyamorous Home is practical a guide for polyam folk on creating homes and living situations that suit our lives and our relationships. Whether you live alone or with a dozen of your partners, friends, and family, you can create a home life that works for you.

Alternative living arrangements
Budgeting for dates
Moving in together
Sleeping arrangements
Holidays
Prioritizing the individual or the community
And more…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jess Mahler
• Release date: Nov 20, 2016
• ISBN: 9781540116307

Jess Mahler

As a child, Jess was taken from her family and turned into a marionette. Bluff, stubbornness, and Valdemar enabled her to survive long enough to eventually cut her strings and, like Pinocchio, set out into the world to discover what it meant to be human. She discovered her family, polyamory, and eventually herself. Part of discovering herself was discovering that she had within her the wellsprings of fantasy that had once helped her survive. So she started writing. And soon her life filled with fae, werewolves, and TVtropes. In the middle of inventing parallel worlds and fantastical beasts, she lost her family again, joined a polyam quad, watched it disintegrate around her ears, spent some time networking, fell in love with and subdued a disabled demon, partly raised four children, and wrote a surprisingly popular essay on the value of gold toe-socks in polyam relationships. That essay was the springboard to start writing about polyamory regularly, and she turned her 10+ years of polyam relationships into fuel for a blog about pregnancy, mental illness, legal stuff, and other practicalities of polyamory. Today she spends time frying sufganiyot to keep her demon appeased. She writes fantasy stories and polyam advice while the dough is rising.

Book preview

Dedication

For Alan M. With thanks.

Acknowledgements

I owe thanks to a number of people for helping make this book a reality.

To my beta readers for their insight and advice.

To the many people who have shared their experiences on my blog, on forums, and in private conversations.

To Ron Young and the Black & Poly crew for making me welcome and sharing their experiences both with polyamory and the way race can impact people's experiences of polyamory.

To the many folks of the Polyamory Leadership Network who answered questions about solo polyam and polyamory around the world.

To Noel Figart of The Polyamorous Misanthrope for letting me use one of her blog posts.

To Jade Jossen for sharing their experiences of polyamory activism in Italy and making polyam work outside the 'big three' living arrangements.

And especially to Michon Neal, my sensitivity reader, for helping make this book as inclusive as possible.

Introduction

One day I tweeted to ask people's thoughts and experiences of bathrooms in a polyam home. One response said, Get a home with three bathrooms.

This may have been a joke. The person who tweeted it was a new follower, and I didn't know them very well. I hope it was a joke. There is a popular (and wrong) conception that polyamory is for the middle-class. Polyam homes aren't just for people who can afford a house with three bathrooms. They aren't just for people who live in places that have indoor bathrooms in every home. Polyam homes can be tiny apartments for solo polyam folk or apartment buildings taken over by polyam groups. They can be cottages in the wilderness or marble foyered brownstones in New York. This book covers a small fraction of the ways a polyam home can function—no book could cover all of them. There are simply too many ways we can structure (or unstructure if you prefer) our living situations. My goal is to give some ideas and options for meeting the challenges of polyam living while remaining accessible and relevant to polyam people from as many walks of life as possible.

Over the years I have spoken with polyam folk from all over the world. The insight they shared has helped a great deal in making this book as inclusive as possible. However, my experiences color the information and ideas I offer. Please take what works for you and ignore what doesn't.

Other Resources

I've been reading and writing about polyamory for a number of years, and the ideas I've learned and developed in that time have shaped my approach to building a polyamorous home. If you are new to polyamory, or if you are experienced with polyamory but looking for additional resources, you might want to check out:

More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

The Polyamorous Misanthrope

More Than Two

Designer Relationships by Michael A. Marks and Patricia Johnson

Poly Weekly

/r/polyamory

The forums at Polyamory.com

The Polyamorists Next Door by Dr. Elizabeth Sheff

PostModern Woman by Michon Neal and Louisa Leontidas

Solo Poly

PolySingleish

The Feeling Is Multiplied

Glossary

Entwine: Tying your life to someone else's. For instance, sharing bills, living together, or taking a class together.  Related: entwinement

Raul and Paula are very entwined—they live together and share a car—but they aren't ready to get a mortgage together.

Hierarchical polyamory: Form of non-monogamy where one relationship has power over other relationships.

We practice hierarchical polyamory because we need to protect our relationship.

Metamour: Your significant other's significant other.

Prue and Kev are metamours—they are both dating Wallace.

Non-hierarchical polyamory: Form of non-monogamy where each the people in each relationship, and only the people in each relationship, define what the relationship will be. Sometimes uses the same terms as hierarchical polyamory, leading to confusion in forums and discussion groups.

We practice non-hierarchical polyamory because we trust our partners to do their best to meet our needs or to tell us if they can't.

Other significant other (OSO): someone your partner is in a relationship with.

Yes, I'm John's significant other. His other significant other is Marleen.

Marleen, John's OSO, surprised me with a card for my birthday.

Primary: Hierarchical polyamory—Term used to indicate the relationship that sets terms other relationships need to abide by. Non-hierarchical polyamory—Term used to indicate the relationship that is someone's first priority. Also the person/people in a primary relationship.  Most often used for a couple who live together.

Hierarchical: My primary partner needs to approve my other polyamory relationships.

Non-hierarchical: My primary relationship takes most of my time and attention.

Polycule: a network of polyamorous relationships. Derived from 'molecule' because when you start diagramming polyamorous relationships it looks like drawings of molecules in a chemistry textbook. Polycule is usually used to refer to a specific person's or group's relationships.

Our polycule includes me, Dan, Greg, Dan's boyfriend Juan, and Greg's girlfriend Monique, who is also dating Juan.

Secondary: Hierarchical polyamory—Term used to indicate the relationship needs to follow rules set by other relationships. Non-hierarchical polyamory—Term used to indicate the relationship that is not someone's first priority. Also the person/people in a secondary relationship.

Hierarchical: Rick was my secondary partner, but Shauna vetoed him.

Non-hierarchical: When I'm with my secondary partners, they get all of my attention.

Living Arrangements

Three polyamorous living arrangements get talked about a lot:

●  a group living together

●  a couple who live together and have other partners living elsewhere

●  solo polyamorous folk who live alone

Occasionally someone mentions quads who live as two couples in separate homes.

The main part of this book is divided into three sections based on those oft-discussed living arrangements. This isn't the best format for a book on polyamorous homes, but I couldn't come up with anything better. (Mea culpa.)

I encourage you to think of these sections not as boxes intended to divide polyamorous relationships, but as buffet tables allowing you to choose what is most relevant to you. A triad where two people live together and a third stays with them on weekends will find both the group and couple sections useful. A solo polyam person with roommates will find most of what they need in the solo section, but may find some helpful things in the group section. Read and use what is useful to you, ignore what doesn't apply.

Alternative Living Arrangements

The big three living arrangements may get all the attention, but many other living options exist. Whether you group, network, hierarch-, solo, open, close, unstructure or any combination of the above, there is a living arrangement that suits you and your relationship(s). Often lack of money or other restrictions make your ideal living arrangement impossible. That's okay! There are lots of other options that can work, even if they aren't perfect.

The following is not a comprehensive list of polyamorous living arrangements. It should give you some idea of the variety of options available. Use these as inspiration to think outside the box. Be creative figuring out which living arrangement will work best for you and yours.[1]

Duplex/Multi-Family: You and your partners could get a duplex or multi-family house. Separate living spaces in the same building allow a wide range of entwinement. You can:

●  food shop together and share meals, but still keep your bills separate

●  see each other every day but have your own area when you need space

●  share backyard cookouts and hang out on the porch, but keep your living areas and inside lives separate

Apartment life: Get apartments in the same building. This allows similar varieties of entwinement to the duplex arrangement but gives more physical space. You don't need to hear each other's music through the walls, can't just shout down the hallway, etc. If sharing a duplex would leave you feeling crowded and pushed together, having other people and a bit of distance between your living spaces may work for you.

Co-Housing: There are several types of co-housing communities, but all involve a communal area surrounded by individual living spaces. Members of the community hang out, cook, relax, and live in the communal space, but have private bedrooms, bathrooms, and sometimes kitchenettes for when they need alone time. Some co-housings spaces are converted apartment buildings. Others are intentional communities with one big communal building surrounded by cottages.

Migrating Living Options

Sometimes we want to live together, but life, personality conflicts, and prior/other commitments interfere. And while most cultures today prefer a sedentary lifestyle, people have migrated for thousands of years. From ancient herders to modern long-haul truckers, migration has worked for many people. If life is flexible enough to allow you and/or your polyamorous partners to migrate, here are some alternative living arrangements that might suit you.

Shifting pivot: One person with multiple partners who can't live together (whether due to job, geography, or other reasons) can live with all their partners in turn.

●  Spend the week with one partner and weekends with another

●  Alternate month to month

●  Move homes on any schedule that works for you

Anchored pivot: One person with multiple partners lives in a single home. Their partners live with them when they can, returning to their own homes when they need/want to. If the hinge partners don't get along/want to live with each other, they can rotate. When one is with the anchor pivot, the other is in their own home. If hinge partners are fine together but need to keep separate homes for another reason, they can both/all be at the joint home whenever life allows.

Summer Home: Polycules that can't live together can keep a home they can all use when/as life permits. This might be a traditional summer home set up where everyone goes for the summer or on a more variable schedule—whatever works.

Keeping two homes: Couples A & B keep their own homes. Sometimes couple A stays with couple B for a week. Couple B stays with couple A when they can. This is a good option for polycules who live close together, but can't have a group home due to custody agreements, health codes and other restrictions. (I've described a quad for simplicity, but this works for a variety of relationships.)

Do You Prioritize the Individual or the Community?

Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, in their book More Than Two, wrote a brilliant explanation of why they favor boundaries over rules and agreements. It pulled into focus several thoughts I'd had over the years and made me re-evaluate my approach to relationships.

There is just one problem:

Franklin and Eve's (and my) view of the value of boundaries over rules is based on our assumption of prioritizing the individual. Prioritizing the individual means protecting and respecting the rights and needs of ourselves and each other as individuals before anything else. The individual must first and foremost look to and take care of the individual.

For prioritizing the individual, boundaries are clearly superior to rules. By allowing individuals to establish and enforce their own boundaries, we make it possible for each person to see to their personal needs and requirements. People around them can accept those boundaries (or not) without sacrificing their own needs.

The superiority of the individual was born in the ideology of the ancient Norse, sank its roots in the Enlightenment and was forced into bloom in the propaganda hot house of the United States after the War for Independence. It can be found in much of Europe and has spread in fits and starts to the rest of the world. From what I have heard and seen, Americans take it further than just about anybody else.

However, prioritizing the individual is not a universal ideal. In college, a psychology professor explained to me that in some parts of Africa, treatment for the mentally ill always involves the entire family. The