Marriage

By Lydia Paige

How do two people who have vowed to love each other get to the point where they refuse to talk for hours—or even days? ‘At least we stopped fighting,’ they tell themselves. Still, the issue has not been resolved, and they both feel uncomfortable.

You and your partner have just had a disagreement. ‘I don’t need to apologize,’ you tell yourself. ‘I'm not the one that started it!’

You release the issue, but the tension lingers. You reconsider apologizing, but you can’t bring yourself to utter those simple words “I’m sorry.”

The husband says “At times it’s difficult to say ‘I'm sorry’ because my ego catches in the way,”

The wife says “When I know I'm a 100% percent at fault, it’s comfortable to say ‘I'm sorry.’ But when we both said things we regret, it’s hard. I mean, why should I apologize if both of us bitched up?”

The above marriage shows signs of disregard. Over the years, it has weathered many storms, not all of them successfully. Now the structure is fragile, and the collapse of the house seems imminent.

Have you ever felt that your own marriage may be heading in the same direction? If so, be assured that no couple is immune to problems.

Underscoring the truthfulness of those words, one team of researchers describe marriage as “the most risky undertaking routinely taken on by the greatest number of people in our society.” They add: “What starts out as a relationship of great joy and promise can become the most frustrating and painful endeavour in a person’s lifetime.”

What about your own marriage? Is it characterized by one or more of the following traits?

Constant arguing

Bitter speech

Infidelity

Resentment

In some lands, divorce rates have skyrocketed. Consider the United States, where for many years divorce was relatively uncommon. After 1960, writes Barbara Dafoe Whitehead in her book The Divorce Culture, “the rate accelerated at a dazzling pace.” She states: “It doubled in roughly a decade and continued its upward climb until the early 1980s, when it stabilized at the highest level among advanced Western societies. As a consequence of this sharp and sustained rise, divorce moved from the margins to the mainstream of American life in the space of three decades.”

If your marriage seems fragile and its collapse seems imminent, what should you do? Is divorce the answer? This book will provide the fundamental strategy in rebuilding your marriage instead of going through the corridors of unhappy matrimony. Remember, unhappy marriage give birth to depressed children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lydia Paige
• Release date: Nov 6, 2016
• ISBN: 9788822862402

Book preview

year.

SKILL 1. LEARN TO CONSULT TOGETHER

What are the challenges?

Keiji, a husband who lives in Japan, sometimes forgot that his decisions affected his spouse. I would accept invitations without consulting my wife, he says. Later, I would discover that it was not convenient for her to keep those appointments. Allen, a husband in Australia, says: I felt that it was unmanly to consult my wife about things. He faced a challenge because of his background. It was similar with Dianne, who lives in Britain. She says: I was used to asking my family for advice. So at first I would consult them and not my husband when making decisions.

What is the solution?

Remember that God views a married couple as being one flesh. In his eyes, no other human relationship is more important than the one that exists between husband and wife! To keep that bond strong, good communication is vital.

A husband and wife can learn much by examining the way Jehovah God communicated with Abraham. For example, please read the discussion recorded at Genesis 18:17-33. Note that God honoured Abraham in three ways. (1) God explained what he intended to do. (2) He listened while Abraham explained his views. (3) To the extent possible, God adapted his course of action to accommodate Abraham. How could you follow the same pattern when you consult with your spouse?

TRY THIS: When discussing matters that will affect your marriage partner, (1) explain how you would like to handle the situation, but present your thoughts as suggestions, not final decisions or ultimatums; (2) ask your spouse to express his or her opinion, and acknowledge your spouse’s right to hold a different viewpoint; and (3) let your reasonableness become known by adopting your mate’s preferences whenever possible.

SKILL 2. LEARN TO BE TACTFUL

What is the challenge?

Depending on your family or cultural background, you might be in the habit of expressing your opinion firmly, even bluntly. For example, Liam, who lives in Europe, says: Where I come from, people tend to be tactless. My blunt way of expressing myself often upset my wife. I had to learn to be more gentle.

What is the solution?

Do not assume that your mate wants to be spoken to in the same manner that you are used to. The counsel that the apostle Paul gave a missionary is also helpful for newlyweds. He wrote: A slave of the Lord does not need to fight, but needs to be gentle. In the original Greek, the word that is translated gentle can also be rendered tactful. Tact is the ability to discern the delicacy of a situation and to deal with the matter kindly, without causing offense.

TRY THIS: When you are annoyed with your mate, imagine that instead of talking to your spouse, you are conversing with a good friend or with your employer. Would you still use the same tone of voice or choice of words? Then think of reasons why your spouse deserves to be spoken to with even more respect and tact than does your friend or employer.

SKILL 3. LEARN TO ADAPT TO YOUR NEW ROLES

What is the challenge?

A husband may at first exercise his headship clumsily, or a wife may be unaccustomed to making tactful suggestions. For example, Antonio, a husband in Italy, says: My father hardly ever consulted my mother about family decisions. So at first, I ruled my family as if I were a monarch. Debbie, a wife in Canada, says: I demanded that my husband be tidier. But my bossy approach only seemed to make him more stubborn.

What is the solution for a husband?

Some husbands confuse what the Bible says about wifely subjection with what it says about the obedience of a child to his parent. However, the Bible says that a husband is to stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh; it does not say the same about a parent and a child. God describes a wife as a complement, or counterpart, of her husband. He never refers to a child as being a complement, or counterpart, of a parent. What do you think—if a husband treats his wife like a child, is he honouring the marriage arrangement?

In fact, God’s Word urges you to treat your wife in the same manner that Jesus treats the Christian congregation. You can make it easier for your wife to view you as her head if (1) you do not expect her immediately and flawlessly to express her subjection to you and (2) you love her as you do your own body, even when difficulties arise.

What is the solution for a wife?

Acknowledge that your husband is now your God-appointed head. If you honour your husband, you honour God. If you reject his headship, you reveal how you feel not only about your husband but also about God and his requirements.

When discussing challenging issues, learn to attack the problem—not your husband’s character. Queen Esther, for example, wanted her husband, King Ahasuerus, to correct an injustice. Rather than attack him personally, she expressed herself tactfully. Her husband accepted her suggestion and eventually did the right thing. Your husband is more likely to learn to love you deeply if (1) you allow him time to master his new role as head of a family and (2) you treat him with respect, even when he makes mistakes.

TRY THIS: Rather than taking note of ways in which you feel your spouse ought to change, keep a changes-I-need-to-make list. Husbands: When you upset your wife by the way you exercise or fail to exercise your headship, ask her how you can improve, and then write the suggestion down. Wives: When your husband feels that he is not being shown respect, ask him how you can improve, and take note of the suggestion.

Maintain Reasonable Expectations

Learning to maintain a happy, balanced marriage relationship is like learning to ride a bicycle. You expect some tumbles as you gain confidence as a cyclist. Likewise, you should expect to make some embarrassing mistakes as you gain experience in marriage.

Maintain a sense of humour. Take your mate’s concerns seriously, but learn to laugh at your own blunders. Seize opportunities to make your mate rejoice during your first year of marriage. Above all, allow God’s Word to guide your relationship. If you do, your marriage will grow stronger year after