Filling Empty

By Randy C Watts

Randy made the transition from “writer” to “author” after his beloved wife was taken away from him by Leukemia in December of 2010. He knew he would suffer without her; he just didn’t know how much. He lived one breath at a time, one hour at a time and eventually, one day at a time. It then began to dawn on him that his wife had not gone far. She was not visible, but it became clear that she was still with him.

Filling Empty is a book of hope and survival. It’s the book Randy wishes he would have had when Malinda died. It would have helped him to realize that he wasn’t alone, and that there really was a light at the end of the grief tunnel.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781483580739

Book preview

For Malinda

January 29, 1959 ~ December 16, 2010

My Angel

© Randy C. Watts 2016

Print ISBN: 978-1-48358-072-2

eBook ISBN: 978-1-48358-073-9

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book was intended to benefit anyone who has lost someone they love, whether by death, divorce or breakup.

If you have lost a spouse or significant other, a child, a parent, a sibling or anyone you loved dearly, you probably feel like nobody could possibly understand the pain you are experiencing. I’m here to tell you that, while it seems like you are completely alone in your grief, there are millions of others going through a similar torment.

You are not alone.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title

Copyright

Introduction

1. Malinda Masterson Watts

2. Surviving the Storm

3. Beware of the Land Mines

4. Questions from a Surviving Spouse

5. Grief Explained

6. Erasing the Bad Memories

7. When Does the Pain Stop?

8. Compassion is Imperative

9. Love Notes from Heaven

10. Is There Love After Loss?

11. Guilt and Regrets

12. Finding Your New Norm

A Special Dedication

A Princess Returing Home

Acknowledgements

References

During the six months of Malinda’s journey, of which you are soon to read, I told her over and over how much I wished that I could take the pain away from her, and that if I could only make it happen, I would. Even though I didn’t see it coming, on December 16, 2010 Malinda was released from her broken temporal prison and went home, and just as I promised, I took over the pain and suffering. It was my turn to hurt.

Filling Empty was originally entitled "The Leukemia Chronicles." It was to be a daily journal of what went on during Malinda’s stay in the hospital, chronicling her day to day fight, and was not intended for the eyes of anyone but my sweet wife. It was going to be something for her to read once she was completely healed, and recovered, from the Leukemia that she was stricken with in May of 2010. I was sure that she would defeat the cancer, and that when she had finally been declared cancer free, she’d be interested to read all about the experiences that she went through as she fought her illness so valiantly. I knew that there were many things that she would not remember, as she was unconscious through many of her procedures, and semi-conscious through many of the others. I, however, will remember them forever, with an unwelcome clarity, for I was fully conscious, and most always at her side. I was totally aware that the sweet woman that shared an incredible love with me was broken, and that I could not fix her. Mal always told me that I could do anything I set my mind to, and that there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I guess that what she didn’t realize was that the fuel behind my accomplishments was her love for me, and the faith and the confidence she had in me.

I lamented that Malinda would never read the journal that I so meticulously kept for her, and I was angry that the Leukemia ended up robbing her of her earthly life; robbing me of her, and robbing us of the future we’d planned together. But then one day it was so beautifully revealed to me that not only would she read this book, she would be helping me write it from another dimension … a dimension that is oh so close to ours. The journal became less of a chronicle and more of a survival guide for those of you who will, or have already, gone through something similar.

In Filling Empty, I have shared the things that I wish I would have known as I entered a tunnel that seemingly had no light at its end. I want this book to help readers start to see that there is indeed a light. I will share with you the things that I would have greatly benefitted from knowing, as Malinda and I began our journey towards her mortal end.

This is a book of hope, and I will share what it was that made me realize that I was going to survive the darkness, and what gave me reason to finally smile. I will tell you of visits I have received from Malinda, and I will share experiences of others that have felt the same type of pain and have also been blessed to gain a sure knowledge of their loved ones’ presence around them.

By the way, I know for a fact that I will see Malinda again. After the countless tender encounters I have had with her, and the number of times she has communicated with me, I would be a fool to doubt a life hereafter. I also know that our love is way too strong to be severed simply by a heart that ceased to beat. I wish that I could write about exactly what happens after our earthly life has ended, but nobody has filled me in on the complete details. I don’t have the rule book, for which I have longed since Mal’s death. What I do have, however, is a knowledge that she lives, that she’s near me, and that she’s waiting for me to join her.

I will not sugarcoat anything, and I promise to be very honest in my writing. I am a wordsmith, and I can paint a great picture with the keyboard, but artwork is not the purpose of this particular writing project. I am going to let you into my day-to-day record of our journey, but there will be more than the journey’s days. I will tell you what I felt, and how you may feel, too. Most importantly, I will tell you the things I have learned that have helped me start to fill the empty spot in my heart.

Throughout the book I will be referring to your deceased loved one as your departed. It may be a spouse, a parent, a child or any other person that you truly loved … and lost.

As you read Filling Empty, please pay close attention to how many times the word compelled is used. I assure you that when I get a feeling, it’s just a feeling, but when I feel compelled, the thought comes from a much higher source. It has been that way my entire life, but has never been so evident than in the last 60 months.

I guess that it’s because now, I am listening.

I am sitting here writing in my journal, awaiting the next blood pressure check on my sweet wife, Malinda. I am writing, and she is fighting for her life. I can’t begin to put into words the fear and frustration I am experiencing, as I am as helpless as I have ever been. This situation is out of my control. For the last ten years my role has been to be her Knight in Shining Armor … her handyman. I have been the guy that fixes things when they break, whether physical or situational. Now all I can do is watch her broken body try to fix itself.

You may have suffered a loss of a loved one in your life, or perhaps you are about to. If you have not, count that as a blessing. But it’s part of life, that in every loving relationship there is an eventual physical separation. I suppose that a couple could make their death transition together, in which case they would not have to endure the loss of their partner. Usually, however, the universe isn’t that accommodating, and one or the other must bid farewell to their soul mate … for now.

When I lost Malinda, I heard many different responses as friends and family members attempted to speak the proper words to console me. So many people told me that they understood what I was going through. It would really bother me when someone would approach me and tell me they knew exactly what I was feeling. This was almost always followed by the explanation of why. It was usually the loss of an aunt, a parent, or even a pet. And while those are certainly reasons to grieve, they did not seem near as foreboding as my story, and therefore, they could not possibly be feeling like I was. I have since learned, however, that grief is grief, and it comes in many forms and levels of pain.

Even though these kind souls professed an understanding of what I was experiencing, they did not. They absolutely did not have any idea of what I was going through, because they had not been in the same relationship with Malinda that I had been in. They weren’t aware of all the intimate details of the special times I shared with my wife.

So many people who experience a great loss in their lives think that nobody understands what they are going through, and that nobody could possibly know how much they loved that spouse, or that child, or that fiancé, or that parent. And they are right. They don’t know and they cannot understand. They can only hold you and let you know that they are there for you, even though there is nothing that they can do to take your pain away.

So, with that expressed, I want you to be aware of the type of relationship I had with Malinda. I want you to know who she was as a person, so that you will realize that I write with a great debit in my soul. I want you to realize that while nobody can feel your pain or know your sentiments, there are many who have passed through what you are passing through, or may soon pass through. You are not alone.

Please allow me to selfishly take the first few chapters of Filling Empty to familiarize you with my late wife, so that as I continue to write about loss, you will know that I write with a clear understanding of just how bad it hurts … and when it hurts. Pain doesn’t follow any rules. The timing is not what you might anticipate it should be. Pain makes its own unique schedule, and moves in to mount frequent surprise attacks on its own schedule, not yours.

Love at First Sight

It was in March of 1974 when I first met Malinda Kay Masterson. We were in ninth grade at Powell Junior High in Mesa, Arizona. It was toward the end the school year.

I will never forget seeing this beautiful girl, clad in a plaid skirt, looking up and smiling at me with braces glimmering. It was love at first sight … it really was … at least for me. I developed a major ninth grade crush on this girl, but sadly, the school year was ending and I was incredibly shy—more so, insecure. I never took any steps to get to know her better for fear that she might reject me. Besides, I figured I could always start anew the next school year at Mesa High School, where I was quite certain I would be attending the remainder of my high school years.

During that summer, my parents informed me (much to my displeasure) that we would be moving to a little town called Gilbert, located just south of Mesa (at the time, it seemed like a day trip away). I had heard of it, but I also knew it was a little cow town, and I knew that the one face I would not see there was that of Malinda Masterson! While saddened by the news, I hadn’t much to say about the decision, so off we went to Gilbert, where my father had built a barn on 120 acres of farmland. The barn is what we moved into, with the plan of building a house when we could.

The first day of school was shaping up to be a difficult one for me, as I had to ride a bicycle to a high school that I had never even seen. My father and I had been at a pig farm, buying hogs early that morning, and it was that very pig farm from which I rode my bicycle to the heretofore-unseen Gilbert High School. I was basing my route on the directions of Mr. Henry, the hog farmer, who told me which pastures I would ride by, which farm houses to look for, and what street to turn on to eventually lead me into the winding road leading to the school. It was no more than a three-mile ride, but it seemed like light years away in the hot Arizona August.

Upon my arrival at school, I walked into my first class, somewhat sweaty and disheveled from my hurried bike ride. As I looked around to find a seat before the teacher started speaking, my eyes came to rest on a sight that nearly stopped my heart. There, sitting against a wall towards the front of the classroom, was Malinda Masterson and her best friend, LeAnn Overson. I’m sure my attempts to remain cool were thwarted by the shocked (and joyful) look on my face. I was anything but cool in those days anyway, so I’m not sure why I was trying to appear so. Both of the girls smiled at me and waved, and my face surely turned beet red as I asked what they were doing here. It turned out that Malinda’s family had moved to Gilbert as well, and because school started a week earlier than the Mesa schools, LeAnn decided to join her for the first day.

It wasn’t long before Malinda was cast into the role of the high school hottie. If all of the male members of the student body were to place it up for vote, I’m sure the decision would be unanimous that she was the girl most pleasing to the student pupils (pun intended). She had long, beautiful hair, and wore dresses that modestly complimented her long, shapely legs. She had a smile that would melt diamonds, and beautiful white teeth to fill that smile. Many called her Olivia Newton John, as she bore a resemblance to the then hit-of-the-airwaves pop singer.

I was friendly to Malinda, but I kept my distance, as I felt as though she was way out of my league. Admittedly, I was intimidated. She didn’t speak much to me, and I always thought it must be because she had become arrogant or conceited. It wasn’t until later in life I learned that she was very shy and insecure, and spoke little because of that insecurity. Who could have ever imagined that a girl of such beauty could be insecure about anything?

As we passed through the next three years at Gilbert High School, we each joined our separate crowds to hang out with, which crossed paths