Amanda

By Anton van den Berg

Novel - A story with unique insight into the different areas of a person, life, struggles, triumphs and joy...

There are the difficult bits - Amanda refused to break. She couldn't let herself. She went on, because she had to.

Naturally we function better as part of a pair, but we can still function by ourselves.
That's what hurts the most.
You know it's not going to kill you, but some days you just wish it would.

There are the beautiful bits – Amada leans against the door. Speechless, overwhelmed and intoxicated with the warmness and overpowering emotional glow...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anton van den Berg
• Release date: Jul 10, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310962653

Anton van den Berg

Mortal on this earth, gifted with astounding children, graced a fabulously loving home and family environment...Blessed by angelic and mythically powered friends, cohorts, and acquaintances that inspire, challenge, stimulate and motivate...Bestowed access to a language which allows expression to some degree the richness of human existence...Burdened with a desire to tell stories that nobody has heard before...Indebted to GOD ALMIGHTY for the absolute overwhelming gift of life...- a very lucky good guy -

Book preview

Chapter 1 AWAKENING

Oh my head. What a headache.

Like a blind man I have to struggle through the dark to try and find where it is coming from. It seems that it is emanating from just slightly above and to the back of my right ear. Like a spider’s legs that spread out from a centre covering my entire head. My head literally feels like an orange out of which the juice is being squeezed.

I’m able to move my head, but that turns out to be less than a blessing.

I try to open my eyes but they don’t to want to, there is only darkness and pain.

I try to force them, some light and dark, like looking at the world through a frosty window. No sharp edges; everything blurry and bright. Wow, bright; make it stop!

I try to shut them again, but it is like something is blocking them. I see movement, very blurry, a lot of red candy floss, everywhere, where is my focus?

The intense light and the inability to focus along with the overwhelming thick red overtones makes me feel like I am drowning – in strawberry jam. Swirling, oozing, thick and sticky, colours and textures mixing out of control.

This must be what a drug trip is like.

Suddenly the pain shifts from my head to my shoulders. I feel constricted like someone caught in the coils of an anaconda. My shoulders get pressed forward and towards one another. I try to resist but the pressure is overwhelming and I feel so weak.

All of a sudden I feel my head, still aching profusely, bobbing around like an apple in water, only the opposite, it does not return to the surface it sinks to the bottom.

The origin of the pain shifts again, upper back, torso, lower back. Every move produces immense, pain, like, like, being eaten alive, devoured from the head down.

My body feels distorted and the mauled muscles, separated from the bones which in turn feel like they are slowly being torn apart separating at the joints. Sometimes it feels like something is trying to make the joints bend the wrong way.

Then sudden relief, still lots of pain, but the snake has relaxed its coil.

Now the world is shades of slight pink, mixed with darker red areas, completely out of focus, looking through a lava lamp.

I’m suffocating; I try to open my mouth and try for one gulp of air.

Why I am hanging upside down?

What is this sticky liquid that is discharging from my mouth?

I want to throw up, but there is too much stuff coming out of my mouth already.

Whack!

Out of nowhere a sharp an intense pain on my buttocks.

I can feel the air rushing into my lungs, it burns. I need to breathe. It burns every time I inhale, hurts when I exhale, burn, hurt, burn, hurt.

I realize that I can hear; there is the distinct but familiar sound of a baby crying.

Like a thief in the night, the cold shows up, gripping every inch of my exposed naked body. Cold fingers are literally squeezing the painful breath out of me.

My breathing is shallower; I’m trying to hurt less, shivers. My body is now vibrating and the pain has intensified.

Overwhelming; mind-numbing.

This is by far the worst dream I have ever had!

And yet, it feels so real.

The pain, the cold, the gelatinous liquid clinging to my body.

I can feel that I am being manhandled.

I am upright again?

Still cold, pain getting really intense now.

What is going on?

And then there is this smell.

It is sweet, soft, and primal.

Then I realize that I am hungry!

Someone shoves something into my mouth. I am now suckling?

I gratefully gulp the goo down; I am just so hungry, warm, sweet, and fatty?

Who cares, just sooo hungry.

Few gulps later and blanket of tired moves in and flatten me, cover me, closing in.

Blissfully the darkness returns.

Sleep, sweet, forgiving, sleep.

I wake up more gently this time.

My body still aching but a LOT better.

I remain quiet and try to figure out where I am.

My eyes still won’t focus but I can smell that I am definitely in a hospital.

Why I can’t see?

I can hear people moving around and I can tell that I am now fully clothed in something very soft and warm.

Thankfully the cold has gone and I am quite comfortable, snug even.

Then an amazing sensation - It feels like someone picks up my entire body – effortless - carries me.

I’m being undressed and I protest – nobody undresses me without my consent – and then.

Oh my word! Water at exactly the right temperature, someone is washing me and it feels sooo good.

I’m being dried and dusted with powder. I am being clothed again.

I try to resist, but it is futile.

The clothes are soft but smells of baby powder.

There is that smell again, hungry.

Gulping on the goo again, and as I start falling asleep it starts to dawn on me.

THIS IS NOT A DREAM!

I am inside the body of a new-born baby!!

I try screaming, but it doesn’t seem to work, I try moving my arms but someone simply and gently restrains them.

I start to cry, desperate. Tears burn my eyes and my face, the noise is muffled.

Then I fall asleep again, blissful darkness.

Slowly, I awaken.

Still trapped

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

How am I going to tell someone?

I can’t seem to form words, I can feel that I am being carried around, changed, fed, and bathed.

Feeling

So helpless

I start praying

Please Lord Almighty, grant me the power to affect the changes that I can.

Please free me from this horrible situation.

Thank you. Amen.

How I am going to cope with the situation if it lasts for much longer?

I softly start to cry, in desperation, and then I feel myself being picked up.

Then I hear it Why so sad mommy’s little baby?

I hear the concern, the softness, gentleness, the compassion, and the warmth that comes through the voice.

Strangely I feel comforted knowing that there is at least someone who cares.

Held softly in my new mother’s gentle arms; I have to admit, this does feel incredibly good.

But it is comfort like a mental patient receives when they confined to a padded room.

* * * *

Chapter 2 MOBILE

It’s been months now and I have accepted that this is not a dream.

I don’t know how I got here, but I can remember lots of other things. For instance I recognize that the baby chime plays Eine Kleine Nachtmusik - The Serenade No. 13 for strings in G major - by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

At the moment I am capable of forming little sounds and can manipulate my body with some effort. The sounds that can I make seem to be constrained by the available synapses that have formed up to now in my brain. Even though I can crawl and roll around and sit up, I find that walking still poses a challenge.

I think I am a girl; judging from all the pink that surrounds me. My new mother is a natural blonde with soft and cuddly features, green eyes and a loving voice. She looks much too young to have a baby, but she does not complain when I struggle to sleep. It is a hindrance as my body’s metabolism it so quick that it requires nourishment at an unbelievably frequent rate.

Judging from her activities mommy has a small business that she can operate from home, where she makes a comfortable but not extravagant income.

With regards to a father figure, I have not seen a man visit here, and grandparents are completely absent.

It seems like my mommy and I are alone in this big world. I have to confess that it feels a lot bigger now that I am this small.

Mommy has different available periods where she can spend more time with me. Strange as it seems, I cannot recall ever loving anybody as much as I love my mother. The link is biological and irresistible; furthermore, am utterly dependent on her. I wonder if there is some chemical secretion or like substance that programs this behavioural response; the milk?

I am often frustrated because it is difficult to manipulate soft toys and I have trouble managing spit and drool. I have managed to get the coordination to permit standing up against furniture and other sturdy things.

Try as I may, poo is the one thing that I am seemingly incapable of dealing with. You can get used to urinating in a nappy, but the number two.

Enough of that now; I was trying to get my body to master the mechanics of walking.

So let’s see what happens when I get up next to this couch.

The legs are a bit wobbly and how do I get my butt to pull in. This centre of gravity thing is harder to accomplish than it appears, due to the short hourglass legs and the plump body, the pendulum effect is exaggerated as the body extremities are too short to counterbalance weight-shift occurring in the middle.

Bump, just fell on my butt again…

Thank goodness for nappies – soft landing. So let me just sit here for a while. This is tiring for such a small body.

It is both frustrating and infuriating. I tire out so quickly.

I’m dressed in this cute little dress with an embroidered bear holding a huge red heart. It is a delicate off-white colour accentuated by the ice-white frills. It is balanced by the woolly socks and malleable white shoes. My hair is neatly tied into a short little pony tail with red clips, and a huge red bow.

Oh, mommy is using a well fitted polyester slip cover set on these couches. Now that I’m looking around I can see that the drapes and pillows probably come from the same store. Nice play on the burgundy, chocolate, and