Heart Medicine: Ayahuasca Assisted Therapy and the Integration Process

By Nina Izel

In this book Nina guides you through a magical journey of death and rebirth with the Mother Ayahuasca towards your own power and your own light. Through this journey you learn that healing is a participatory process, you will understand that healing .is .the .integration of aspects of yourself back to your natural state of wholeness, but most important of all you will see that the healer is you. Nina leads you on a transformational journey towards your own heart, through self love and acceptance.
Her book is a practical guide for those who wish to work with this powerful medicine Ayahuasca or support others on this journey of healing and remembering. She offers a framework of preparation, initiation and integration that can be used as a much needed context in the west to work with this powerful visionary plant. This therapeutic container supports greatly the integration of spiritual insights into everyday behavior and allows deeper change in one's life.
Nina is a visionary artist in the field of healing arts, she is an advocate for natural healing, and legalisation of natural plants for research and healing purposes. She is a guardian of the Mother Earth and walks the path of the One Heart.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781982256005

Nina Izel

Nina Izel is a unique voice in the healing field. She is a powerful and compassionate guide who helps others to claim their power and to return to their heart. Her powerful message is that Love is the medicine, love is the force that heals the past and unites us all.

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 Nina Izel.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

844-682-1282

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Copyright for cover art

Digital painting courtesy of Slide Salad on Creative market

Banisteriopsis Caapi photo courtesy of Michael E. Nickel

Images courtesy of Unsplash

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5599-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5601-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5600-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020919108

Balboa Press rev. date: 10/16/2020

Contents

PART 1 The End of My World

Chapter 1 A Peruvian Adventure

Chapter 2 Mexico: The Dark Night of the Soul

Chapter 3 All That You Can Leave Behind: My Roots and Earthly Beginnings

Chapter 4 The Calling

PART 2 How to Create a New Life

Chapter 5 The First Steps on a New Path

Chapter 6 Being a Responsible Creator of My Life

Chapter 7 The Power of Awareness

PART 3 The Path of the Wounded Healer

Chapter 8 My Search for the Medicine

Chapter 9 Integrating Myself

PART 4 Ayahuasca-Assisted Therapy

Chapter 10 The Preparation

Chapter 11 The Death and Rebirth Cycle

Chapter 12 The Integration Process

PART 5 The Gift of Love

Chapter 13 Neo-Shamanism and a New Healing Paradigm

Chapter 14 The Ultimate Love Story

Appendix

About the Author

Psychedelics used responsibly, will be for psychiatry, what the microscope is for biology or the telescope is for astronomy.

—Dr. Stanislav Grof

PART 1

The End of My World

Chapter 1

A Peruvian Adventure

My First Encounter with the Mother Ayahuasca

I didn’t know darkness like this existed before.

It is so dark that with my eyes open, I cannot see my hand right before my eyes. It is pitch-black. The blackness is all around me. It makes me feel uneasy. Memories of my childhood surface in my mind. Asking my parents not to close the door while I am sleeping, so if I wake up I can see the light coming through from the corridor. That’s how afraid I was of the dark when I was a child. And now here I am in the depth of the Amazonas jungle. Darkness surrounds me as I sit inside of a palapa, deep in the belly of the jungle, and the shadows start to move around me.

Growing up in a city made me unfamiliar with lack of light. Here there is no electricity, no human-made noise, but the jungle is very alive. The sounds of nature penetrate deep into my body. This makes me feel even more uneasy. I am nervous. I imagine a jaguar jumping through the door and devouring me. Or what if I sit on a scorpion or a spider now that I can’t see anything? Oh my God. My mind is desperately trying to hold on to something familiar and orient itself in this black hole. But I feel my control is slipping away.

The taste of the medicine, the sacred ayahuasca, is still in my mouth. It tastes like earth. What the heck am I doing here? A voice screams in my head, Have you lost your mind? Are you crazy?

I voluntarily paid money and traveled across the world, going deep into the untouched jungle, an eight-hour motorboat ride from the nearest village. There is no electricity, no clean running water, no plumbing, no toilet, no showers. The bugs and insects are constantly biting me, sucking my blood, and tearing into my skin. None of my repellents, lotions, or potions help against them. The bites burn like hell and itch for a week; it is impossible to stop scratching. I bathe in a river that is the color of mud and a long way away from clean. I wash my clothes there too, although this is something futile as nothing dries here anyway. The humidity is so high that everything is constantly moist. My bed is always damp and my blanket soggy. The air never cools down. During the night I lay sweating in my bed—a piece of foam on a wooden frame—and try to understand what led me here.

I grew up in Europe with culture and comfort, so how did I end up here? Am I insane? I left everything behind. I burned all bridges. Why did I do that? I had a nice life; other people would be happy to have all that. I should have been happy. Why did I want more? Why wasn’t I happy?

I have no idea.

But I felt this strong pull in me, nagging me, calling me to follow. I have no idea where I am going. But I cannot not go. That’s why I am here. If this is insane, I truly must be crazy.

Nausea creeps up from my stomach. I feel like a snake is moving within me. I search for my bucket in the dark, pulling it into my lap when I find it. I don’t want to be sick. Why am I doing this to myself?

Suddenly the silence breaks as somebody throws up. The nausea grows in my body, currents of saliva bitter in my mouth. Then I feel like a hand reaches deep down into the center of my being, and my body convulses as I retch without control, my hair falling into my bucket and a foul smell in my nose. How gross. More waves wash over me, and I surrender, losing all control. My insides twisted into a knot, and I feel suspended there without breath for a moment. And then everything lets go.

Relief washes over me as I lie down on my mat, all power leaving me. I remember I should sit up and breathe, but I am exhausted; there is no way I can move even a finger. I lie there in the darkness, in the silence, alone. My body feels strange. I am feeling each cell in my body infused with the medicine, buzzing, alive with energy. The jungle sounds coming from outside resonate deep inside my being. Boundaries dissolve. I am scared. What is happening to me? I am dissolving away.

I am trying to hold on to some kind of reality, but it’s quickly slipping away, and I feel pulled under by an invisible current sinking deep into the earth. The shaman starts to hum quietly. I follow the sound. He begins to sing gently. I feel the song within my body moving around. Like a thread guiding me, pulling me. I follow the song. It’s taking me on a journey I can’t resist. I am afraid; I am on unknown ground, unfamiliar territory. My mind desperately wants to understand and analyze what’s happening to me. What an impossible task! I laugh out loud.

The shaman, Francisco, finishes the song, and silence drops again as I sink deeper into this strange world.

Waves of energy pull me down, and I feel squeezed, pushed, pulled, turned upside down and inside out. I feel lost; I can’t orient myself; I am afraid of losing my mind. Struggling to hold on to something familiar, something safe, but there is nothing to hold on to, and I feel fear growing rapidly in my heart.

I am pulsating, expanding, and contracting over and over again. Feels like exploding from the inside out. Sometimes I feel I can take no more. Enough, I want to cry. My body is paralyzed with tension and fear. I hardly can move; I can hardly breathe.

Finally the waves start to recede, and I feel more calm. My sweaty clothes start to dry; my muscles release; my breath slows down. I manage to open my eyes, and there is light outside; dawn is coming. Wow—I didn’t realize how much time had passed. Everything feels different. Quiet, peaceful, serene. The shaman breaks the silence and starts to sing another prayer.

The last song flows right into my heart; it overwhelms me with its beauty and grace. I feel light, like lit up from the inside. I sit up easily, and I feel joy rushing through my veins. Everything is so beautiful.

The people start to gather around the altar in a circle and hold hands. I feel my heart and their hearts connected to all living things. I feel whole. I am overwhelmed by a sense of oneness. I understand that every moment is sacred. I am sacred.

Slowly we gather our things and return to our rooms to sleep. It’s dawning. I feel deeply at peace as I walk back to my bed. I close my eyes, but my journey continues in a much softer way as I drift between dreams and waking. I want to think through my experience and remember to write things down, but I am so tired; there is no way. All is good as it is, I think as I fall into a deep sleep.

I always had this knowing within me that there is more to life. I knew that there was more than what I could see and that I would have to look for it. This unquenchable thirst, this drive for deeper meaning, has brought me here. Crazy as it sounds, I listened to it. I mean, I had no other choice. I tried to ignore it for a long time, but it always came back, the creepy little thing, until it bugged me so much that I gave up my whole life, my comfort, and the safety of my familiar world and plunged myself into the unknown.

I am here because I believe that ignoring this inner voice would be like denying part of me and would kill part of my soul. I am here because I believe we are more, life is more. This is what brought me here; this is why I am taking this journey. And don’t get me wrong: I am scared, and I feel lonely. I don’t know what is yet to come. The only thing left for me is trust, trust in myself, in my inner voice. This is what I am holding on to.

More Medicine

I was in the jungle with a Shipibo family for almost three weeks, but honestly, sometimes it felt like a thousand years to me. This jungle initiation was definitely one of the wildest experiences of my life so far. I participated in five ayahuasca ceremonies and consumed four other nonpsychedelic plants while on a very strict and minimalistic diet. I lost a good chunk of weight and started to look like somebody who escaped from a prison camp. My digestion was in a constant state of turmoil as my body was detoxing all the time. Due to all this, I felt very weak and eventually ended up with a serious parasitic infection, probably from the river, that took several months to heal.

I shared this journey with a select group of people from around the world. In addition to our individual intentions, we held a collective group focus. The collective intention was to accelerate the awakening process with this unique combination of plants and spiritual practices that leads to the total breakdown of conditioned personality in a fast and effective way. Today I believe this collective intention intensified our personal experience beyond a shadow of a doubt.

During my stay, I can say I was pushed to all my limits in every possible way. After the third ceremony, I had a major meltdown, and I just wanted to go home. I couldn’t imagine drinking more medicine and withstanding another crazy ride. I felt I was coming to the end of my rope physically, mentally, emotionally—in every possible way.

All my fears and doubts overwhelmed me, and I desperately wanted to run away, get out, stop the whole experience. I felt totally confused, lost, in a state of shock and disbelief. In the end I went to the main facilitator and told her that I wanted to leave and not participate in more ceremonies with the medicine. I was in complete disarray. I couldn’t stop crying, and I just felt so sensitive to everything. Thankfully I had great support, and my brothers and sisters helped me to calm down, take a breath, and not abandon this journey.

The Last Ceremony—Excerpt from My Journal

I am flying in the dark space, among the stars. Something drives me. I am looking for something, I am not sure what it is exactly, but I know that it is vital that I find it. Everything depends on it. My life depends on it. So this is serious. Suddenly I see it. Above me, little bit to the right, there is a door, a gateway of some kind. I know and I feel that’s what I am looking for, I was looking for all along. Joy fills my heart. It is so close! I am so close! I just have to reach out and go through it. Everything will be perfect on the other side; I know this in my heart. As I get closer, I notice a person sitting there, laughing at me as the door disappears.

I feel so confused. I came so far, all this way, and what now? I am perplexed. Not knowing what to do. Slowly I look down at myself. I am astonished to see that my whole body is made of sparkling light, colors, and energy waves swirling, circling, moving inside and out. I am shining. I feel so happy and joyful. I look at my hands, and they are just light particles swirling around in front of my eyes.

As I look down at my heart I see beautiful colors of white, green, and pink dancing together. A vortex of light, so wonderful, so familiar that makes me remember it is my heart! The place I was looking for all along. It is right here within me. How could I forget? Everything I was looking for was inside of me since the beginning!

The medicine says to me that my heart is the key. It is the place to transform all that hurts, all the pain, but also to receive all the wisdom and love. So I start throwing everything in—discomfort, fear, doubt, confusion, pain—throwing it all into this vortex of light in my chest, and I can see them dissolve in my heart. I felt a range of emotions. I feel forgiveness, sadness, joy, and grief, and at the same time, I feel fully alive and light as parts of myself come back into my heart. I start to feel whole again, peaceful and calm, so full of my self. I feel repaired, reconnected again. I lay in this temple in this grace, on this sacred ground. I feel so grateful to experience this moment. I feel completely happy; I miss nothing. I laugh out loud. How funny, I think. When I was in the world and I had a lot of things and ideas, I didn’t feel this way. And now I am here in the forest with nothing but myself and I feel completely fulfilled. I don’t lack or need anything in this moment now. I wonder why.

At the end of my trip to the jungle I felt happy and proud of myself. I knew that I found something really important; after all the search, I found this door within me, and I knew that this heart opening would change everything. I was just so hopeful and felt that now everything would just fall into place in my life. I felt I really did get it, what life all about. I felt ready to take charge of my life and receive all the love, grace, and beauty I deserve after all this work.

There was a moment, though, when the group leader said something like, The real work starts now, but I didn’t pay much attention at the time. In fact, I thought she must be joking; after all the work we just did, surely the rest would be easy now. Either way, this little remark stayed in my mind, and sometime later, I understood fully well what that comment really meant.

Leaving the Jungle

After leaving the jungle I flew up to Cusco. It is a charming town, and I have to say it was my most favorite place in Peru compared to the jungle or Lima, the capital city. It was really colorful and pretty. There were lots of arts and crafts, markets, and amazing little restaurants. People were really nice and welcoming. Cusco was filled with a lot of travelers and interesting people.

For me, however, it was a shocking experience. I was so sensitive. Like somebody stripped my skin from my body, and all my nerve endings were exposed, without protection. I was absorbing all the energies around me, and you can imagine how that feels in a city full of tourists. My body was struggling with the altitude; I had constant heart palpitations and difficulty breathing. The woman who led the whole experience in the jungle invited a few of us from the group to stay at her house in Cusco. When we got there, she decided she didn’t have enough room for me, so she simply threw me out on the street without any apology or explanation.

That was the last drop in my glass. My last bit of control snapped away with a click, and all the emotions started to burst out from within me. Waves of sadness, disappointment, betrayal, anger