Oh No! We're Gonna Die Too: More Humorous Tales of Close Calls in Alaska's Wilderness

By Bob Bell

Oh No! We’re Gonna Die Too came about due to the popularity of Bob’s first book Oh No! We’re Gonna Die. That book was mostly about the author’s misadventures in Alaska. Many of his friends and associates approached him after reading the book and told him their stories which were very similar to his. He collected those stories and with a few details filled in and some observations by Bob, compiled them into the second book. This book is also written in a humorous fashion, but again conveys the apprehension, excitement and relief involved in life threatening adventures. This book shows how a relatively small mistake can quickly put one’s life at risk in the Alaska wilderness. It also takes the reader on adventures throughout Alaska with a whole new cast of characters who continue the tradition of questionable judgment and bad luck. You will experience airplane crashes, wild critters trying to eat folks, extreme weather, malfunctioning equipment, sinking boats and many other challenges. These stories give the reader a personal look at how many Alaskans live, recreate and somehow survive. It is doubtful many of them would have survived if it weren’t for pure luck. As one can see from these stories, there is not a lot of clear thinking or intelligence involved in most of the stories, but there is an ample amount of excitement. Please enjoy your trip with us through our Alaska misadventures

• Language: English
• Publisher: Publication Consultants
• Release date: Jul 1, 2009
• ISBN: 9781594332616

Bob Bell

Bob Bell grew up in the small eastern Washington town of Ephrata. He spent his early years chasing jack rabbits, upland birds and mule deer through the sagebrush of the surrounding country. After graduating from Ephrata High School, he enrolled in the civil engineering program at Washington State University where he earned a bachelors degree. He was commissioned a 2nd lieutenant in the U.S. Army. He spent the next year as a platoon leader at Fort Belvoir, Virginia and then a year in Viet Nam. All his life he had listened to stories about Alaska from his mom and dad who had lived in Naknek in the early 1930's and from his granddad who was United States Commissioner of Fisheries under President Franklin Roosevelt and therefore spent a lot of time in Alaska. So in 1969 when he had completed his obligation to the Army, he packed up his very pregnant wife, his German shepherd dog and his 1966 Mustang and headed north. He has been working and recreating throughout Alaska ever since. He served six years on the Anchorage Municipal Assembly, ran for mayor of Anchorage and still operates his engineering and surveying firm headquartered in Anchorage.

Book preview

By Bob Bell

BBB Publications Anchorage, Alaska

Copyright 2009 by Bob Bell. All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the written consent of the author.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2009904622

Soft cover ISBN: 978-1-57833-452-0

Hard cover ISBN: 978-1-57833-453-7

First Printing May 2009

Printed in the United States through

Alaska Print Brokers, Anchorage, Alaska.

Drawings by: Tanya J. Ramsey (e-mail: [e-mail])

This book was typeset in 12 pt. Warnock Pro font.

Published by

BBB Publications

c/o F. Robert Bell & Assoc.

801 W. Fireweed Lane, Suite 201

Anchorage, Alaska 99503

Tel: [phone] Fax: [phone]

e-mail: [e-mail]

Distributed by

611 E. 12th Ave.,

Anchorage, Alaska 99501-4603

Tel. [phone] ♦ Fax [phone]

e-mail: [e-mail] ♦ WWW.ALASKABOOKSANDCALENDARS.COM

with other offices in Ketchikan, Juneau, Fairbanks and Nome, Alaska

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Bob Bell Biography

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Prologue

Cast of Characters

The Ballad of Brooks Lodge or Montague’s Lament by

The Holy One

Chapter One – HUNTING:

SOMETIMES THE CRITTERS WIN

1. SHOOTING GRIZZLY BEARS IN THE DARK CAN BE

PROBLEMATIC

2. SUICIDE ON KODIAK ISLAND

3. NOT GOOD TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOOD CHAIN

4. UP SHEEP CREEK

5. MAX AND THE AXE

6. PLAYING TAG WITH CAPS BUFFALO

7. THE TROBLE WITH CRITTERS

8. THE DOWNSIDE OF PREDATOR CALLING

Chapter Two – FISHING:

WHY DO WE HAVE SO MUCH TROBLE OUTSMARTING AN ANIMAL WITH AN I.Q. OF FIVE?

1. BEAR ON

2. THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF DEW

3. A WILD RIDE FOR THE BIG BIRD

Chapter Three – FLYING:

AS A PILOT ONLY TWO BAD THINGS CAN HAAPEN TO YOU AND ONE OF THEM WILL BE:

A) ONE DAY YOU WILL WALK OUT TO THE AIRCRAFT KNOWING THAT IT IS YOUR LAST FLIGHT

B) NOT ONE DAY YOU WILL WALK OUT TO THE AIRCRAFT NOT KNOWING IT IS YOUR LAST FLIGHT

1. N4448R MAKES A TURBULENT DEBUT IN ALASKA

2. THE DOCTOR

3. THE ADVENTURES OF GENTLEMAN JIM

4. KNIGHT ISLAND CRASH

5. NELCHINA TERN TUMBLING

6. ALASKAN FLOATPLANE?

7. THE STRANDED MINISTERS

Chapter Four – BOATING:

THE TRICK IS TO KEEP THE WATER UNDER THE BOAT

1. BOATS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

2. SKINNY DIPPING FOR BLACK BEARS

3. THE ADVENTURES OF A TRUE SOURDOUGH

4. SURVIVING THE HOMESTEAD

5. THE ABALONE, CRAB, BEAR, GOOSE TRIP

6. THE PERILS OF LOG JAMMING

Chapter Five – MISCELLANEOUS:

ALASKA IS A STRANGE AND WONDERFUL PLACE, AND IF GIVEN THE CHANCE, SHE WILL KILL YOU

1. THE CULTURE OF SHELL LAKE

2. TALES OF BAD DOG’S CAST

3. THE BIKE RIDE

4. SURVIVAL KIT ALASKAN STYLE

BOB BELL BIOGRAPHY

After graduating from high school in Ephrata, Washington and Washington State University with a degree in civil engineering, Bob Bell was commissioned a second lieutenant in the U.S. Army. He served two years, with one of those years in Viet Nam. Eight months after he got home from the war, he packed up his very pregnant wife, his German shepherd dog and his 1966 Mustang and moved to Alaska. He has been banging around the state now for over 40 years. During that time he has delved into many aspects of Alaskan life. He serves on the Alaska Board of Game. He runs his engineering and surveying firm from Anchorage and even ventured into the black hole of politics by getting elected to the Anchorage Municipal Assembly. He also ran for mayor of Anchorage. Luckily for him and for Anchorage he came up short in the mayor’s race.

All these activities have taken him throughout the state hunting, fishing, working and politicking. This has given him the opportunity to risk his life in many ways in the Alaska outdoors. He chronicled those adventures in his first book Oh No! We’re Gonna Die. His travels also allowed him to meet people who have had similar life-threatening experiences in the Alaska bush. Many of their stories are in this book.

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my hunting, fishing and flying buddies who have gone to a place where the woods are full of game, the weather is always clear and the kings never quit running. I really miss these guys.

Andrew The Bear Piekarski

Bob Ernisse

Deke Ballman

Fritz Kalmbach

Rod Russell

AKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book would not have been possible without the help of my fellow authors who provided these stories. I would also like to thank my wife Candace who spent many hours checking for spelling and grammar. This book was much more fun to write because I got to work with some great folks fleshing out their stories. Some of whom are listed below.

PROLOGUE

There are so many great stories involving the Alaska wilderness most of them never get published. This book brings some of those stories to the reader. All of these stories are true adventures experienced by a bunch of seemingly normal people who make some I.Q.-challenged decisions that result in their being thrust into some very dangerous situations.

Alaska has a full arsenal of ways to do you in. She can get you with weather; she can get you with terrain; she can get you with water and her most exciting method is to sic her critters on you.

Besides the obvious bears, we have had people rubbed out by moose stomping, wolf mauling, caribou impalement and halibut beating, just to name a few. When it comes to reducing the number of Homo sapiens in Alaska, there is no end to the ways our part of the country can devise to do it.

The participants in these stories come from all walks of life. There are doctors, lawyers, engineers and just plain working stiffs. What they all have in common is a love of the outdoors and a propensity to get in big trouble while in the wilderness.

This book is broken down into five chapters involving hunting, fishing, flying, boating and miscellaneous tales. We could have written it with one chapter called dumb things to do in Alaska to get yourself killed. There is the warning you get from television shows that involve dangerous tricks which says don’t try this at home. In the case of these stories we would suggest you don’t try any of these activities anywhere.

Alaska is a beautiful place full of adventures. It is also full of people who participate in those adventures, some of whom really shouldn’t. The following stories are good examples of those who don’t heed this advice.

As you travel with us through the misadventures in this book, you will meet several unique people, most of whom are still friends of mine, and several of whom are still alive! Therefore, I would like to introduce them to you in advance so that you will not be encountering strangers as you read each story.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Billy the BS’er retired as a special agent from the FBI after 26 years. He hunts, fishes and flies all over the state. He is a long time Alaskan and is quite comfortable in stressful situations.

Nervous Nelson works for an insurance company in Anchorage. He is a bit high strung so it is always fun to watch him when things get exciting.

Kerry the Kiwi lives in a small town named Pleasant Point in New Zealand. He came to Alaska in search of an adventure and we gave him a big one.

FT is my son. He was born in Alaska and I have made sure he gets his share of outdoor adventures.

Delusional Dave is an engineer who has worked for my company for many years. He has participated in several adventures with me where he was sure he was not coming home. He just keeps thinking it will be okay on the next trip. Sometimes it is, sometimes not!

Tundra Tom works for a sporting goods store in Wasilla. He still hunts by himself.

Ken the Curmudgeon is an avid outdoorsman and has participated in Alaskan adventures for almost 70 years.

Regal Robert is a lawyer in Anchorage. Born and raised in Alaska. Somehow his outdoor skills are lacking.

Rugged Robert is a Viet Nam vet. Since moving to Alaska he has been a medic.

Marvelous Mark is also a Viet Nam vet and a ladies’ man. He enjoys the outdoors whenever he can.

Tough Terry enjoys the more physically challenging outdoor pursuits. He also is a medic.

Mountain Mike owns one of the most successful bars in Alaska. He climbs mountains all over the world. I have no idea why. He also hunts and fishes when ever he can.

Mundane Max is one of those people who never shows any emotion and is dull to the bone.

The Brawler was one of those do what you have to do to get by kind of guys. He worked hard and played even harder.

Pieter-Louis is a professional hunter in Africa. He could write a book on his own adventures.

Rob the Wildman is a camera nut who takes hundreds of pictures a week. He is very active in the Anchorage Rotary.

Reagan the Thespian is Rob the Wildman’s son. He is very involved in theater and is quite talented.

Raunchy Rick is a talk show host and a former Alaska guide. He has also written a couple of books on his exploits in Alaska, but they are not as good as mine.

Dew is a long-time friend of Candace and mine. She is also a delightful person.

Gentleman Jim has lived in Alaska for as long as I have. He flies a very old Cessna 185 and fishes a bit.

Morry the Mogul sells construction equipment in Alaska. He is a pilot and does some fishing. He is very active in civic organizations such as Rotary.

Boisterous Bill is loud and obnoxious, but you can’t help but like him. He loves to fly his Cessna 185 around the state.

The Doctor was a good guy, but very nervous about flying, particularly on a trip he took with Morry the Mogul.

Eclectic Ed is a life long friend of mine. He is also a pilot and hunts and fishes whenever he can.

Goofy Gus has participated in Alaska outdoor activities for many years. He is also very active in the local Safari Club International (SCI) chapter.

Risky Rodney worked on the North Slope and tended not to make the best decisions when flying.

Dodge the Bullet Dick is an attorney in Anchorage. Born and raised in Alaska, he gets around the state in his Super Cub to hunt and fish.

Farmer Tom comes from a pioneer family in Palmer. He raises horses and reindeer.

Phil the Nonplused is a dentist in Anchorage. He spends all the time he can spare in the woods.

Hurry Up Tom is a dentist in Anchorage and also a pilot. He is a partner of Nonplused.

Talkative Tom is a surveyor in Anchorage who works for my firm. He is an excellent boat mechanic.

Jumpy Jacob is an engineering technician with my company. He has very limited experience in the outdoors.

Gordy was raised on Shell Lake in remote Alaska. He has run the Iditarod Race two times. He works for my company as a surveyor.

Cool Hand Chris is a civil engineer for my firm. He only gets out in the woods a few times a year.

Reliable Craig is a civil engineer and surveyor with my company. He was raised in Wyoming and is a very capable outdoorsman.

The Bear was truly a legend in Alaska. He was president of the Laborers’ Union Anchorage Local 341 for over 25 years. He loved to hunt and fish and spent considerable time in the woods. He had a lodge on the Yentna River where he entertained many VIP’s to include several NFL stars.

Kelly has lived in Alaska for over 90 years. He was a major force in the development of Alaska.

Keith was raised in Cordova where he learned to hunt and fish. His swimming skills are somewhat suspect.

Quick Kenny lived in Cordova and spent considerable time roaming around Prince William Sound hunting and fishing.

Magic Jon lives in Anchorage. He is very active in civic organizations. He was raised in Alaska.

Zoe owns and operates the Shell Lake Lodge. She is the quintessential Alaska woman. She is one of the best cooks I ever met. She has friends from all over the state who look forward to visiting her remote lodge.

Biker Bob is just a guy who likes to take his boys hunting and fishing. Problem is he leaves the planning to them.

Cautious Richard works for a telecommunications company in Anchorage. He tends to use poor judgment in hanging out with Boisterous Bill.

Bad Dog is a long time Alaskan. This is a guy who is always having fun no matter what.

The Redman was a great pilot and a guy who was always looking for an adventure.

The Palminator was a part time diver and just dumb enough to agree to go along with Bad Dog’s ideas.

The Holy One is a Catholic priest in Eagle River. He comes from a family of contractors and avid outdoorsmen.

Mayor Rick was mayor of Anchorage for six years. He started and ran an advertising firm for many years. He loves the oudoors and has managed to keep from getting killed, so far.

The Ballad of Brooks Lodge

or Montague’s Lament

by

The Holy One

(with apologies to Robert Service)

In the great northern land there lives a stout band of men both tried and true.

Yea, we hunt and fish ‘bout where’re we wish and enjoy a tall tale or two.

Oh, most times it’s great fun to watch red salmon run, and even to harvest a few,

But I’ll never forget (with a tinge of regret) when I nearly killed Tim Montague.

On Pike Lake’s shore there partied a score of revelers supreme.

We had all landed there to take our fair share of the bounty of Newhalen’s stream.

There was George, Lee and Steve and would you believe, Sig’s dancing girls filled out the crew!

‘Course Bridget and Sean and Huffs came along, and the jovial Tim Montague.

‘Round the fire was the gang, and some danced while some sang of the glories of wilderness cheer.

Steve looked pretty cute in his white Tyvek suit and he says, "I have an idear!

There’s a place to the west where the bear viewing’s best and I reckon the season is right. Hey, Lee, George and Sean when the night turns to dawn I think you should all take a flight."

Now Brooks Lodge is a place where the poor salmon face an assembly of hungry brown bruins.

With the swipe of a paw and the snap of a jaw, their mating dance ends up in ruins.

So intent are the bear that they don’t even care about tourists who watch what they do.

So Sean took his mother; George took another, and I took along Montague.

Few things give delight as the gift of a flight across Western Alaska’s expanse

with its glacial moraines and its mountains and plains where the moose and the caribou dance.

So our course we did make for Naknek Lake and arrived without thought of the danger, Tied up near the shack, threw the boots near the back and went off to go talk with the ranger.

A mile’s walk from the lodge, being careful to dodge all the bear scat that’s dotting the trail With our hearts all aquiver we came to the river and therein we spied a big male.

He’d just sit in a hole and just watch red salmon roll by his paws and his belly and snout Then as quick as a flash his big head would dash and he’d gingerly pluck a fish out.

In that setting pristine I never have seen as many bears as we witnessed that day.

In the falls we watched eight while they fished and they ate. Boy, I tell you, I wanted to stay But with growing unease I had noticed the breeze had got stronger with each passing minute.

What once was dead still was blowing quite shrill through the trees, so we needed to scoot.

When we got to the shore it was a tempest galore as the waves were all cresting and crashing And our poor little craft being caught in that draft was really taking a thrashing.

Sideways it turned while the waves roiled and churned and had filled the floats clear to the brim.

With a splash and a jump I grabbed the float pump and I handed that sucker to Tim.

God! We pumped and we thrashed as the vicious waves crashed, soaking us clear to the skin If a chamber we’d pump, the damned surf would dump a bunch more of that cold water in.

I pumped like a lug as Ol’ Tim carved a plug from some driftwood that lay on the shore.

And at last we had won. With the cursed task done, we climbed in and were off with a roar.

Now, taking off in rough water can turn into a slaughter when the waves seek to bury a float, With the plane being jarred as it keeps slamming hard on the swells and your heart’s in your throat.

In the teeth of that squall we gave it our all with some grit and a wing and a prayer, And with one final crash, in a move kind of rash, I yanked the damn thing in the air.

It was like second birth as we lifted from earth and rose gently into the blue skies And as proud as a sarge I looked back at my charge…and that’s when I noticed his eyes.

Like saucers they gazed, big and round, sort of dazed, and I asked him if he was alright Says Ol’ Tim, I’ll survive. Hey, we got out alive. But I tell you, I’ll get drunk tonight!

In the great northern land there lives a stout band of men both tried and true.

Yea, we hunt and fish ‘bout where’re we wish and enjoy a tall tale or two.

Oh, most times its great fun to watch red salmon run, and even to harvest a few But I’ll never forget (with a tinge of regret) when I nearly killed Tim Montague.

The Holy One with his trusty floatplane

Chapter One – Hunting: Sometimes the Critters Win

SHOOTING GRIZZLY BEARS IN THE DARK CAN BE PROBLEMATIC

We have been hunting out of the same camp for almost 20 years. It is a great spot for moose hunting, but it is also prime habitat for grizzly bears. The camp is located between two creeks on a 1,500 foot ridge near Denali National Park. The area is mostly forested with birch and spruce, but does have large open areas, some of which are over a square mile in size. Along the tree lines there is heavy brush made up of alders and willows. Mount McKinley and Mount Foraker thrust up into the sky to the East and the Alaska Range sits to the west. In the fall it is a beautiful place with the green, yellow and red fall colors. Both creeks have salmon and trout in good numbers and the blue berries are thick. The bears do very well here. We have killed about a dozen grizzlies over the years, but have never gone hunting for bears. Every time it is some kind of confrontation with us that results in the bear’s demise; disputes over moose meat, chance encounters that result in a charge and debates on who belongs in the tent, us or the bear. To date, the bears have lost every time, but some were close calls. Based on the I.Q.’s involved, this is probably more due to luck than quick thinking on our part.

Grizzly bears have a well-earned reputation for being quite ferocious when they decide to take you out of the gene pool. The vast majority of the time when they realize you are in the area they prefer to just get out of Dodge and you never know they were even there. I have learned through considerable contact with these critters that when you have a bear that doesn’t take off when it knows you are there, you have a big problem. Even a curious bear can hurt you real bad and a hungry or angry bear can immediately take your life expectancy to zero in a few seconds.

It was mid-September and I was at the moose camp with four friends. They were Billy the BS’er, my good friend of many years. He is a retired FBI agent and a bit laid back. He often has delusions of adequacy. Then there was Nervous Nelson who is not laid back. Nelson is an insurance executive and loves to hunt and fly his airplane. He does tend to get a little more excited than the rest of us in stressful situations. Also there was Delusional Dave who hunts with me year after year thinking we won’t get into any dangerous situations this time out. He is an engineer in my company. Finally there was Kerry the Kiwi, my friend from New Zealand. The Kiwi is a hunting guide and taxidermist in the small town of Pleasant Point, New Zealand. He is a typical New Zealander, very friendly and generous. He is an excellent outdoorsman. This was his second trip to Alaska. My son, FT, and I had hunted with the Kiwi in New Zealand the year before and we had a wonderful time. FT got a trophy Himalayan tahr. We shot geese and paradise ducks, and we spotlighted possum at night. The Kiwi saw to it we had a good time and I was reciprocating.

We arrived at the camp in good weather, got everything set up and then spent the afternoon scouting for moose. A couple of bulls were spotted north of the camp. They were along one of the creeks dining on the willows. One bull had some cows with him. The other guy was still looking for companionship. We figured the bull with the cows would probably stay put for a few days. The other guy would, most likely, wander off somewhere. We planned to begin hunting the next morning. That night it clouded over and by morning it was pouring down rain. The next three days were spent in the tent playing cards, telling lies and generally being bored. The weather finally broke on the fourth day and we launched our hunt. The four-wheeler and three-wheeler were loaded with lunches, rain gear, packs and our guns. The plan was to go to the area where we saw the bulls previously and sit and call. The Kiwi was really impressed with the awesome scenery and the various critters we encountered. He had his camera and got pictures of porcupines, grouse, martins and eagles. He wanted a picture of a bear and I told him to be patient.

It was early Sunday afternoon; all of us were sitting up on a small bank above a creek bed calling and beating a stick on a tree to imitate a bull cleaning his horns. We were spread out about 50 feet apart and all watching the small clearing, surrounded by trees and alders, below us. We heard the bull as he moved through the cover, before he came into view. He was coming right at us. The first thing I saw was his antlers. He was swinging his head from side to side as he walked through the brush. He walked out into the clearing still swinging his head around. No one seemed prepared to shoot him so I put the crosshairs on his neck and pulled the trigger. As we discovered later he must have swung his head just as I fired. The 300 Winchester Magnum hit him in the right antler mid-paddle. At 75 yards that bullet was probably still doing 3,000 feet per second when it hit. It went through the antler and blew apart. It then hit him on the opposite shoulder in three places shaving off the hair, but not even breaking the skin. Needless to say he immediately exited the area and took his girlfriends with him. Upon inspecting the area where he was standing and found the ground carpeted in moose hair, but no blood. His tracks showed he was headed for a large clearing a few hundred yards away so we opted to get the four-wheeler and motor around to the clearing. As we broke out of the trees, there he was, standing with his companions in the tree line about 100 yards away. He stood there long enough for me to put a round behind his shoulder. He then ran into the trees and alders and fell over. We were all happy to have one down. We noted he had three lines on his shoulder approximately 12 inches long where the hair had been shaved off by the bullet fragments. We took pictures and began butchering the bull. It was a big job. He was in an awkward place and it took considerable effort to get all the meat back out to the clearing. I remember Delusional noting in the middle of the effort that it was now Monday. It was 2:00 a.m. by the time we started back to camp in the dark. Both the four-wheeler and the three-wheeler were loaded to the maximum with meat and antlers. With two guys walking and two guys driving, we