Quickie Short Stories

By Des Kirby

Quickie is a collection of short stories about sex and violence that will make you laugh or shudder. In Orgy, Frank and Helen are an unhappy married couple contemplating group sex, which excites her but disgusts him. A beautiful co-worker becomes the ultimate office fantasy for Peter in Ruby Reality. In Tommy’s Wild Night, a mysterious stranger takes the protagonist on a journey of sex, drugs and sheer terror. Meanwhile, two bitter lovers confess the painful truth to each other in Hearts Not Broken. In Quickie, author Des Kirby presents these and other sardonic characters who constantly disappoint one another.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Des Kirby
• Release date: May 4, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310626944

Des Kirby

To date I have completed one novel called Roseview which is available to buy on Smashwords. Quickie is my first short story collection. I have also published several short stories which are available to read for free on Medium. I write fictional stories but my characters are usually inspired by real life people and scenarios. I’m happy to self-publish but I'd rather have a literary agent on my side as opposed to operating entirely on my own. The search continues....

Book preview

Quickie

by

Des Kirby

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY

Des Kirby on Smashwords

Quickie

Copyright© 2016 by Des Kirby

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

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Contents

Orgy

Ruby Reality

I Can Do Anything

Tommy’s Wild Night

Quickie

Hearts Not Broken

Set Them Free

Orgy

The orgy date was fast approaching and Frank was getting more and more anxious by the day. He berated himself on a daily basis now for having agreed to it.

‘I must have been mad,’ he’d say to himself. ‘What was I thinking? An orgy for Christ sake. Me in an orgy? What on earth was I bloody well thinking?’

He only agreed to it because of Helen. She was always bullying him about something or other. But usually, her demands were for things like holidays or cash. Occasionally she’d come up with some barmy idea like the time she insisted on trying a bungee jump. She went on about it for months on end. He expressed his usual reluctance.

‘A bungee jump. Are you serious?’

‘Yes, I’m serious and don’t give me that look. I hate that look and you know damn well I hate it.’

‘Helen, of all the things you could choose to do this weekend, why a bungee jump?

‘Because Frank, I want some goddamned excitement in my life. Lord knows if I left it up to you we’d never leave this bloody house. They’d find us in here covered in cobwebs with rats and mice gnawing on our bones.’

‘Yeah knock off the drama will you? I’m just saying we could go for a drive out the country. Have a lunch someplace nice. Book in somewhere, spur of the moment type of thing. Just see where the road takes us.’

‘Frank, you know bloody well where that road will take us. It will take us to a pub that looks and sounds and smells like any other goddamn pub in Ireland. And then what? Frank will stare at a pint of Guinness for half the day, while I sit there trying to pretend I’m having a grand old time. Then as the day wears on, I’ll get completely pissed and you’ll still be sober.’

‘Would you rather I get pissed too, then get caught for drunk driving and banned from the road. Would that suit you better?’

‘Well, it would be different at least. A bit of drama for once.’

‘Helen what the hell is it with you lately? You’re obsessed with drama and adventure like you’ve got some kind of bucket list. Like your time is running out. Is there something you’re not telling me?’

Helen didn’t answer her husband. She continued sipping her red wine and blowing smoke while staring blindly at the telly. She appeared to be in a trance.

‘Helen. Answer me. Don’t be so fucking rude.’

‘What? What?’ she snapped. ‘Answer what?’

Frank walked over to the window and opened it to let in some badly needed fresh night air. The room stank from her cigarettes.

‘Is there a problem you’re not telling me about? Are you sick or something?

‘Yes Frank, I’m sick. Fucking sick of this house and sick of you, and sick of this endless boredom. I’m gravely ill from the catastrophic effects of boredom. I’m in dire need of something before I crack up.’

‘Typical. You talk as though the two holidays we’ve had so far this year mean nothing. How many people do you think can afford two luxury foreign trips in the space of eight months? Most people would count themselves lucky, but not you Helen. Somehow you find a way to complain anyway. You’re extraordinary you know that?’

‘Yes Frank, I’m extraordinary.’

‘Yeah keep taking the piss Helen. You’re an ungrateful cow.’

‘I want an orgy.’

‘You want a what?’ Frank said, genuinely stunned.

‘You heard me. I won’t say it again.’ There was a coolness in her voice now.

‘An orgy? Why do I get the feeling you’re actually serious.’

‘Because I am actually serious.’ She turned to look her husband straight in the eye. ‘I want an orgy because I’ve never been to one and I quite fancy the idea. I reckon it could be a lot of fun. And I want to have some goddamn fun for a change. Not a holiday, not a pub lunch or a quiet country drive. I want fun! Real fun. Grown up fun.’

Frank looked at his wife and it felt like he was face to face with a total stranger. There was venom in her eyes and revulsion in her voice. He knew she was tipsy but not drunk. She couldn’t pass this one off as a typical outburst. There wasn’t going to be the usual morning after shrug-of-the-shoulders.

'You know what I’m like when I’ve had a few. Stop going on about it Frank.'

‘Helen you’re not pissed. You’re tipsy, but you’re not so inebriated that you can hide behind the booze. You mean to say you actually want to have sex with strangers.’

‘Yes, Frank. And please stop saying the word actually. It’s getting on my fucking nerves.’

‘Never mind that. Are you even thinking about what you’re saying? You’ve just told me you want to sleep with another man!’

‘No, I just told you I want an orgy.’

‘Oh screw you. Stop trying to be clever.’

‘Careful Frank, you’re losing your cool.’

‘Fuck you! It’s all coming out now isn’t it? So you want to shag another man. And this is your way of saying it. I want an orgy, she says. You fucking coward. You couldn’t just have an affair like a normal wife. No, not my Helen. You have to make up some crap about an orgy.’

‘Why don’t you stop shouting Frank? You’re giving me a frigging headache.’

Frank walked to the window and took a deep breath. A slight panic had set in and he felt cornered. He hated fighting with her, but this was no ordinary fight. This time he could feel her slipping away from him.

‘You’ve already done it haven’t you? You’ve already had an affair. You may as well come clean Helen. You obviously wanted to get this off your chest. It’s been burdening you hasn’t it? You’re tired of the guilt. You want to unburden yourself and you’re hoping I won’t mind. That’s what this ridiculous orgy business is really about. It’s about you and your…’

‘For the love of God Frank! Shut up. Shut up right now!

Frank fell silent and now Helen took a deep breath. She tried to calm herself.

‘I haven’t slept with anyone. Not that you’d notice even if I did, but the fact is I haven’t. You got that? But when I talk about boredom Frank what do you think I mean? Do you really think I mean vacations? My God it’s as if you can’t read me at all. How could we be married all these years and you can’t pick up on anything I say to you? I always end up having to spell it out, like I’m your teacher and you’re a fucking child.’

She knocked back the last of her wine and refilled. Frank didn’t know whether to believe her or not. She could always sound so convincing, but he had tripped her up on stories before. She could lie about anything. She was a compulsive liar albeit a benign one; she never told vicious lies designed to cause irreparable damage. Helen never considered her lies to be real lies. She would quickly dismiss any suggestion of malice on her part.

‘Our sex life is dull Frank. It’s beyond dull. It’s lifeless.’ She looked up at Frank and smiled at him.

‘We’re in trouble kiddo, and it’s the worst kind of trouble. The kind that can destroy a couple. The kind that slowly but surely erodes the very love that once seemed so full of strength and joy; the boring sex-life kind of trouble. The kind that’s wrecked God knows how many marriages.’

‘But an orgy Helen.’

‘Oh Jesus Frank. I’m desperate here. I’m trying to reach out for something…for anything…and you. You just stand there feeling all threatened and insulted and hurt.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to feel…what am I supposed to say?’

‘Oh figure it out, I gotta take a pee.’ Helen got up and went to the toilet. Frank paced around the room. The TV was annoying him but there was no point in turning it off. She’d go mad if he did. She always liked having the TV on, even when there was nothing to watch.

She returned with a smile on her face. She sat back down on the couch and took a sip of wine, then lit another cigarette. She started laughing; it was a familiar laugh. Her forced semi-drunk laugh designed to irritate him. He ignored it.

‘I’m still trying to take this in.’

‘Take your time Frank. We’ve got all night and all day tomorrow. And every day after that.’

‘Until when Helen? Until I cave in and agree to your ridiculous request. Oh, what am I saying? It wasn’t a request. It was a statement wasn’t Helen. You weren’t asking me if I wanted to go to an orgy with you. You were telling me that you were going with or without my consent.’

‘Consent. Ha! And when have I ever asked for your consent? Who the hell do you think you are? My fucking legal guardian? Get a grip Frank.’

‘You get a grip! You’re the one seriously suggesting that having group sex with total strangers is the answer to our boring sexing life. And speaking of which, exactly when did you come to the conclusion that our sex life was…how did you put it…beyond dull that’s how you put it. When did you discover this sad matrimonial fact?’

‘You don’t wanna know sweetie.’

‘Oh yes, I most certainly do. I’ve never been more curious, and you’re dying to tell me so just spit it out Helen.’

‘Fine. Fine.’ She swivelled herself around on the couch to face him.

‘Two years…thereabouts. Well, you did ask Frank.’

‘Two years,’ Frank muttered to himself. He walked back over to the window to get away from her cigarette smoke. He sat down on the sill.

‘Well, you kept that quiet didn’t you. So what’s changed? Why are you coming out with it now? Why didn’t you just carry on with your little secret frustration and have an affair to soothe yourself.’

Helen jumped up from the couch and threw her glass at the wall. It shattered and sent the Shiraz splashing in all directions.

‘I swear if you say that shit to me one more time I’m going swing for you. Do you hear me? I’ve had enough of your condescending crap. Can’t you get it through your thick skull? I want excitement Frank, but I want it with you. Why should I have to go and have an affair? Why should I skulk around and spend my life lying and cheating? Wouldn’t it be better if you just liven up and show some goddam interest in me?’

She was roaring now and he knew better than to interrupt her. He had heard plenty of tantrums before but none like this one. She had a real look of anger and pain in her eyes, and he could hear that same anger and pain in her voice. She was waving her arms around and pacing quickly back and forth across the living room floor, moving only a few feet in either direction. He wanted to go to her and put his arms around her, but now wasn’t the time for that.

‘Well, I refuse. Do you hear me Frank? I fucking well refuse to be the bad guy. I won’t be called slapper or whore by your friends or your goddamn family. I wouldn’t give any of you the fucking pleasure. I’m not having an affair and you know why Frank? Because it’s not fucking fair to me that’s why. Never mind you…it’s not fair to me! You get that Frank? You better get it, and get it quick because I’m sick of this shit.’

She sat back down, still furious but out of breath. Frank bent down and started picking up chunks of glass.

‘Oh just leave it,’ Helen said calmly.

‘No, I won’t just leave it. I’ll just clean it up and while I’m doing that you’re going to listen.’ He spread some newspaper on the floor and carefully started placing bits of glass on it.

‘I don’t know where you got the idea that initiating sex is the sole responsibility of the man. You know for a modern woman like yourself, that’s pretty old fashioned Helen. But ok, you reckon our sex life is lifeless and dull. And of course implicit in this observation is that it’s my fault not yours, right Helen? Nothing to do with you. It’s all me, all boring old me. Although it seems reasonable to assume that if a couple’s sex life is lousy they are equally to blame. If our private life is boring, you’re half the reason why it’s boring. So there it is, our modern equal marriage is lifeless and we’re both to blame. Why? Because I say it is. And if you want to say something else feel free.’

‘Wonderful Frank, great speech but I never said this was all your fault.’

‘You implied it.’

‘Oh bollocks I did! One of us had to raise the issue sooner or later. So I raised it, so what? Does that mean I’m automatically the villain here? I wasn’t blaming you Frank, I was just getting it out there. But I should’ve known you’d read it all wrong and start taking it to heart, instead of just talking to me without all the wounded pride getting in the way." She finished off another glass of wine and began refilling. She wasn’t drunk when their exchange began but she was getting there fast.

‘Ok, ok Helen. Can I just have a minute to get my head around this?’

Frank rolled up the newspaper and brought the glass remnants out to the recycle bin in the back yard. He grabbed the sponge mop and a bucket and brought it into the living room. As he mopped up the wine he glanced at Helen who sat perfectly still on the couch, staring vacantly at the TV. He then grabbed a sponge from the kitchen and began cleaning Shiraz off the wall. He emptied the bucket down the kitchen sink and rinsed the mop and sponge. He felt like a drink himself now. He poured himself a large glass of white.

‘Want one of these?’ he asked his wife. ‘There’s no more red left.’ Without answering she held out her empty glass and he filled it. He sat on the armchair and said nothing for a long time. Eventually he spoke, but wasn’t quite sure