To My Loves

By Jen Cousineau

Peyton and Colton grew up not only as brother and sister, but as thick as thieves. After the sudden death of their parents, Colton decides to enroll in the Marines, bringing Peyton along for the ride. While Colton falls for the love of his life, Peyton settles for a man who she has fun with.

But when Colton receives his orders for deployment, he leaves Peyton to take his place next to his newly pregnant wife Julia until he returns.

When double tragedy strikes, Peyton barely manages to hold on to her own life, struggling to make sense of everything happening around her. With her grip slowly slipping, the third tragedy hits when her doctor tells her that it might be time for her to let go.

Will the news from her doctor finally set her free and allow her to truly live? Or will the verdict only cause her to give up completely?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jen Cousineau
• Release date: May 3, 2016
• ISBN: 9781533715135

Book preview

Also by Jen Cousineau

Hell's Storm MC

Hell's Flower

Summers Series

A Deadly Bet

Standalone

To My Loves

Licentious

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All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016 Jen Cousineau

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Without limiting the rights under copyright(s) reserved above and below, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior permission of the copyright owner. Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability.

The scanning, uploading, and distributing of this book via the internet or via any other means without the permission of the copyright owner is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Brief passages may be quoted for review purposes if credit is given to the copyright holder. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

A Jen Cousineau Book / published by arrangement with the author.

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To My Loves Writing Playlist

Dedication

Other Books By Jen Cousineau

Prologue

Chapter 1. Reignite the Romance

Chapter 2. Water the Grass

Chapter 3. Old Souls Are Everything

Chapter 4. Stand In

Chapter 5. Love and War

Chapter 6. Blast from the Past

Chapter 7. I’ll See You Again

Chapter 8. Moment of Truth

Chapter 9. The Fun Begins

Chapter 10. Time to Fight

Chapter 11. Dirty Talker

Chapter 12. It’s My Party

Chapter 13. Timing Is Everything

Chapter 14. Standing By You

Chapter 15. Just Breathe

Chapter 16. So This Is It

Chapter 17. Old Friends, New Beginnings.

Chapter 18. What’s Happening?

Chapter 19. It’s All A Blur

Chapter 20. Home

Chapter 21. I’ll Be Waiting

Chapter 22. Thank you

Chapter 23. Welcome to Nowhere

Chapter 24. A Decision of A Lifetime

Chapter 25. There Goes My Heart

Chapter 26. Table Talk Manners

Chapter 27. Perfect Timing

Chapter 28. Crossing Lines

Chapter 29. A Long Time Comin’

Chapter 30. Wake Up Call

Chapter 31. And the Verdict Is…

Chapter 32. Not Afraid

Chapter 33. The List

Chapter 34. Making Memories

Chapter 35. And The Countdown Begins

Chapter 36. Shenanigans

Chapter 37. Remember Me

Chapter 38. The Perfect Day

Chapter 39. Time’s Up

Chapter 40. The List

Chapter 41. Dancing with Angels

Author’s Note

Acknowledgements

About Jen Cousineau

To Contact Jen:

For The Reader

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Energy by Keri Hilson

I’m Not The Only One by Sam Smith

Big Lie by Sara Haze

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

As I’m Leaving by David Gray

I’ll Be Missing You by Diddy, Faith Evans, 112

Hallelujah by Jason Castro

Amazing Grace by Darlene Zschech

I’ll Fight by Chris Daughtry

Photograph by Ed Sheeran

All I’m Asking by Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed

Home by Chris Daughtry

Let It Go by James Bay

You’re Beautiful by James Blunt

Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Epiphany by Staind

Stand In the Rain by Superchick

Hold You in My Arms by Ray LaMontagne

I Choose You by Sara Bareilles

Not Afraid by Eminem

The Worry List by Blue October

Lost In This Moment by Big & Rich

Everglow by Coldplay

Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood

Waiting for Superman by Chris Daughtry

Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice

Brave by Sara Bareilles

Dying Now by Noah Gundersen

See You Again by Wiz Khalifa, Charlie Puth

Dancing With Angels by Monk & Neagle

Listen to the To My Loves playlist on Spotify!

I’ve been asked why I create playlists for each book that I write, and why I include them before every story. The answer is simple really. I write with music. Music makes me happy. Music makes me emotional. Music helps me connect. Not just when it comes to writing, but everything in my life. For me, I have an extremely hard time writing without music on. I can’t write with distractions or even pure silence. The words flow and I disconnect from everything but the voices telling me a story when I have music on. Weird? Maybe, but I never claimed to be normal.

Why do I include them in my books? How I have to write with music on? There are plenty of readers who can’t read unless they have music on. You’d be surprised how many people rely on music in their life. –So… to all you music lovers, I hope you enjoy!

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To my angels—my Butterfly and my LoveBug—you are my inspiration to keep reaching for my dreams. I’m supposed to be the one teaching you, but in reality, you both have taught me so much thus far. Even on our ‘bad’ days, I thank God for the both of you. I’m not sure how I went along in my life before you both came along. I love you so much.

Dream big and small. Shoot for the stars. You never know which ones will come true.

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A Deadly Bet, (Summers Series Duet, Book One)

A Secret Gamble, (Summers Series Duet, Book Two)

Licentious

Hell’s Flower, (Hell’s Storm MC, Book One)

Coming Soon

Hell’s Redemption, (Hell’s Storm MC, book two)

The Thin Blue Line

With Time

Dominating Elijah

If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be

-Yogi Berra

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When the doctor utters those three words to you, it’s indescribable. You never expect to hear them. You never think it’ll happen to you. You go through your days living your life, knowing it’s a possibility, but never actually think it’ll happen. When it does, it’s like a car wreck. You don’t see it coming, and you don’t have any time to prevent it.

When you hear those three words, your heart stops—at least mine did. I’ve felt like the world has been against me for so long. Set on repeat to break my heart. When I finally feel like maybe I’ll be okay, it hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest all over again. I thought I’ve endured enough for a while, but apparently, life disagreed. This time, it was like breathing deep only to realize I was submerged under water. I was drowning, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

When the doctor uttered those three words to me, my heart stopped, my breath left my lungs, and I could only hear my blood rushing in my ears. That’s when I realized this was the final act. This was most likely the final hit I wouldn’t be able to get up from.

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It’s been a while since I’ve slept with my husband. Not a long while, but when you start out going at it like rabbits, and then you’re lucky to get a piece once a month, it can make a sane person go crazy. And insecure. I’m not sure what changed, but now it’s like there’s no connection between us at all. It slowly dissipated over time, I can’t pinpoint one specific event that started our downfall.

Now I’m desperate. I spend my days writing romance stories and my nights with my book boyfriends. By the time I get ready for bed, my panties are soaked and my body is aching for release. Thank God for my Midas Touch. That little gold gem does the job for me—daily. Sometimes multiple times, but nothing comes close to the real thing.

I texted Jesse earlier to see if he had to work late, and he reassured me he’ll be home for dinner. First time this week. So I’ve decided to surprise him with a nice meal, his favorite bottle of wine, and a sexy little number he’s never laid eyes on before. I took the day off from my current work in progress to clean the house, prepare dinner, and of course, to primp. I even stopped at my favorite salon for my first ever Brazilian bikini wax. I only wish I would’ve planned better, because that shit hurt way more than expected. I still want to feel like a woman, so I made sure to let them know I needed the infamous ‘landing strip’ to stay.

I’m pulling the spaghetti squash from the oven to use as the noodle substitute in our spaghetti for dinner tonight when my phone starts to sing Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not by Thompson Square. Instantly my, heart sinks. I roll my eyes as I walk to the island to reach my iPhone. Swiping the screen, I see a text from Jesse and I don’t know if I should be sad or angry. Maybe both?

Jesse: Sorry babe. Another late night. Don’t wait up.

Love you, too, asshole, I mutter as I lightly toss my phone back on the counter.

I should’ve known he’d bail again on me. Looking around the expansive kitchen, loneliness seeps deeper into my veins. I can’t believe this is my life. Is this really what I have to look forward to until at least one of us dies? Shaking my head of the thought as I move toward the stove, I grab the baking sheet with the squash and walk over to the trash, dumping it in. Moving the frying pan with the turkey burger and sauce to another burner, I turn the stove off, and then grab a bottle of wine from the top of the line wine cooler.

Yes. A bottle. No, I’m not an alcoholic, but I figure the quicker I make myself tired, the sooner I can crash. The sooner I crash, the least likely it will be for Jesse and I to get into yet another fight.

Opening the bottle, I grab a glass, and walk up to my bedroom to my dream walk-in closet. As soon as I walk through the doorway, I see my reflection staring back at me. I stand there for longer than I probably should, allowing my eyes to roam over every inch of my body.

I have long blonde hair, with a few shades of darker blonde on the underside. I’ve never thought of trying a different color because Jesse prefers blondes. My skin is perfectly golden, thanks to the tanning bed Jesse bought me for our first wedding anniversary. My breasts are more than a handful, heavy, yet perky, and my stomach is flat with just a slight definition of muscle peeking through. My muscles are lean and strong due to my love for dance and kickboxing.

Every time I used to look in the mirror, it made me think of my mother. She was my best friend up until the day she and my dad were killed in a car accident. Killed by a drunk driver. I never understood why some people were so selfish to get behind the wheel after having a few too many. Were they too lazy to walk to their next destination or call for a ride? Or were they too inebriated to truly think about what they were doing? Either way, my entire world changed when I was eighteen. My brother, Colton, and I were doing our annual Christmas movie marathon topped with Christmas pajamas, hot chocolate, and popcorn. Right when the Grinch’s heart grew in size, our doorbell rang. I remember looking at Colton and the feeling of dread taking over my body.

We were expecting our parents home any second. They went to Venice for their anniversary that year and were due back that night so they didn’t miss Christmas with us in a few days. Colton paused the movie and we both got up to see who was there. He must have felt the dread, too, because the warmth of his hand filled my palm right before he opened the door. Starring back at us was a uniformed officer.

Everything from that moment on is a blur. I remember hearing the words, ‘I’m sorry, but your parents didn’t make it’, and I remember a lot of tears. The only good news we were given was they’d both died on impact. So I guess there’s that.

It’s been Colton and me ever since. We’ve always been close, more like friends than siblings because we hung out in the same crowd all the time. But there are some things a girl needs her mom for. Like when I was told the unbearable, random pain I experienced frequently was due to having PCOS, basically an overabundance of cysts covering my ovaries. Due to the severity of my case, the doctors had no hope of me ever bearing my own children.

Even though I was only nineteen when given that blow, it still crushed me. Not that I wanted kids of my own at that very moment, but eventually I did. Colton was supportive, but he didn’t really get it. It’s moments like those that I needed my mom the most. Or even the day I married Jesse Gifford. I didn’t have my dad and mom give me a pep talk beforehand. I didn’t get the chance to have my dad walk me down the aisle or get to dance with him. Colton did an amazing job filling those large shoes, but a piece of my heart cried all day for my parents missing those moments.

I’ve come to realize life is a cruel bitch. It’s nearly impossible to make plans because no matter what, life is always against us. She doesn’t care what our dreams or goals are. She’s going to do what she wants to us anyway. Life’s the biggest bully of all.

As I stare at myself in the mirror, looking over my body, dissecting every inch, I long for my mom to be here to tell me there’s nothing wrong with me. That I’m perfect the way I am—tan or not tan, blonde or brunette, skinny or fat. That there’s nothing wrong with me and everything wrong with Jesse. But she’s not. I’ll never hear her reassure me with those words.

My phone starts to sing Home by Chris Daughtry and I watch the smile transform my face in the mirror. One of the only people in my life who I feel like I can breathe around and be myself—my brother Colton. I quickly swipe my phone and click the screen to answer.

Yo, I answer, smiling wider.

Hey, he says into my ear, his voice low and soft. Before he speaks another word, I feel dread forming in the pit of my stomach, slowly branching out like when water freezes into ice.

What’s wrong? I ask breathlessly. My heart begins to pound wildly against the wall of my chest.

What are you doing right now? I hear the words, but my brain zooms in on the way he asked such a simple question. It’s almost as if I can hear the tremble of his jaw or hear the tears silently stroll down his smoothly shaven cheeks.

What’s wrong? I nearly growl. My palms begin to sweat and I have to tighten my grip on my phone to prevent it from falling to the floor.

Can you come over? he whispers.

Of course, I croak out, my throat suddenly dry. I’ll be there in a few.

Thanks. Love you.

Love you, too, I tell him before disconnecting the call. I race around my closet, throwing on a pair of jeans and a US Army hoodie Colton gave me shortly after he enlisted. My mind is buzzing with what could have happened.

I run down the stairs, nearly tripping over my feet at the bottom before heading out to my silver Norev Mercedes Benz coupe Jesse bought for me when he forgot about my birthday last month. My brain is flipping through all the possibilities of what could have happened. What’s wrong?

Shortly after our parents died, Colton enlisted in the Army. He never asked me to follow him, but he built up the beauty of California, as if not following him was even a question. Coming from a busy college town in Wisconsin, warm winters and trips to the ocean were the perfect ribbon on the tempting package.

We said our goodbyes to the friends we were leaving behind, and took our time road tripping across the country to our new home. After dropping Colton off at basic training, I ventured out and found a cozy, shabby-chic studio apartment to rent. I quickly became close to my neighbor, Julia, and when I introduced her to Colton—well, the rest is history. They’ve been married about three years or so and recently discovered they’re expecting. Although I’m extremely happy for them, part of me felt as if I were sucker-punched when they told me the good news. They’re so lucky.

At that moment, reality dawns on me. There’re only two things I can come up with that could have Colton in tears. He’s never been a crier. The only time I’ve ever seen him do so was when our parents were killed. Option one, he’s received orders that he’s deploying. Or two, something happened to the baby.

Both thoughts have me in near panic. Tears blur my vision, causing me to blink rapidly, preventing me from being able to drive. Mentally, I count to ten to calm myself down as I pull my guilt-gifted coupe in front of Colton and Julia’s house. After a few deep breaths, I force my shaking hands to open the car door. My legs feel like noodles with each step I take. Before I even make it to the front door of their Edwardian style home, Julia appears in the doorway with red-rimmed eyes.

Peyton, her soft, harmonious voice flows over me. A small smile tilts one corner of her thin, light pink lips. Her cheeks are flushed compared to the pale tone of her skin.

Julia, I greet her with a shaky breath. I pull her into my arms and hug her tightly before breathing into her shoulder, What’s going on?

The palm of her hand rubs a few soft circles between my shoulders before she breaks our embrace. She forces smile on her face before she nods her head toward the inside of the house.

Come on in. Colton’s waiting, she says as a lone tear breaks free from her eyes.

Nodding my head once, I step past her over the threshold into the living room that greets the main entrance. The simplicity of their home is breathtaking. Dark hardwood floors expand the entire space. Plush white couches face a white stone fireplace with a flat screen television above the mantel. A bookshelf lines one wall, while a traditional writing desk rests against the opposite grey wall. Accents of yellow add just a pop of color throughout.

I’ve always envied their home. The feeling of peace and serenity that usually fills me every time I came to visit is absent tonight. In its place is a stifling feeling of fear and sadness. My heart knows no matter the news Colton has to share is going to crush me.

Colton will be down in a minute, Julia says quietly from behind me. Do you want something to drink?

I spin around quickly, facing Julia, attempting to read her.

Why are you being so cordial? We’re family. I’m not a guest. I watch as she worries her bottom lip