Parenting with Wisdom and Compassion: Bring Out the Best in Your Family

By Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D.

Imagine a new paradigm of parenting that dramatically changes the way we relate to our children. Doors open that were previously closed, freeing us to parent with a wiser and more compassionate heart. Dr. Val-Essen reveals a new vision of the parent-child relationship and provides a Six-Step Process to help us realize it. Powerful stories, proven skills, and practical exercises inspire and guide us to expand our minds and open our hearts. As we gain a deeper understanding of our children and ourselves, we’re able to parent with wisdom and compassion even when buttons are pushed and fear takes center stage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 14, 2016
• ISBN: 9780967537160

Book preview

reward.

There is no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.

— Nelson Mandela

what does it look like to parent with wisdom and compassion?

Here’s a real-life example from a client in my practice:

Maria, my six-year-old, continually ignored her older sister’s boundaries. She’d enter Serena’s room even when a private sign was pinned on her door. When Serena was out, Maria would play with her toys or borrow her clothes.

My talks, lectures, and threats made no impact on the girls. Their fights were intolerable; yelling pervaded our home.

One evening at dinner Maria revealed, When I was upset at school today, my friend Clarissa came over and hugged me. It made me feel much better. My husband’s ears perked and so did mine. We certainly wanted less screaming in the family and suggested, Maybe that’s something we could try. Maria beamed. Yes, please, that would be great.

The next week I had my chance! While I was driving home, Maria began pushing her sister’s seat. Serena shrieked, Stop that. I tried to settle them down, with no success. Soon I was yelling from the front seat like a wild woman.

Frustrated and feeling unsafe, I pulled the car over. Knowing I couldn’t offer anything useful in this state, I breathed deeply and tried to calm myself. Moments later I repeated, Maria, you need to stop touching Serena’s seat. Maria complained, You always take her side. This wasn’t working.

Then I recalled what Maria had shared with us that had worked so well in school. I switched gears and suggested softly, Sweetie, if you don’t think you can do that right now, shall I take you out of the car for a ‘hug-out’? Maria’s eyes opened wide and she exclaimed, Yes, I need a hug-out!

I was proud of myself. Right there on the sidewalk I hugged Maria for a long time, until she assured me, I’m okay now. I can keep my hands to myself.

How Does This Story Illustrate our Highest and Best?

At first glance, the story may appear sweet and quite ordinary. You may question, How does this model parenting with wisdom and compassion? Siblings’ constant bickering isn’t easy for any of us, but as we look at this particular mother’s family history, we’ll have a better understanding of the obstacles she had to overcome to respond as she did:

When I was a young girl, my siblings and I weren’t allowed to express our anger or raise a ruckus about anything. We all knew that our parents wouldn’t have tolerated such chaos, and we dutifully put a lid on our emotions. I feel resentful that my children can act out, when I couldn’t. Maybe that sounds childish, but it’s true.

I also resent that now as an adult I have to listen to my daughters’ squabbling. I hate it as much as my folks did. It isn’t fair. I had to obey my parents; why don’t my kids have to mind me?

Considering Mom’s background, let’s look more closely at the impressive actions she took:

•   Mom recognized her repetitive behavior. When her girls bickered, Mom accepted the fact that she was ineffective and repeatedly responded with knee-jerk behavior.

•   Mom showed determination to change. She listened attentively to a casual statement her daughter made and saw the possibility for an alternative approach.

•   Mom succeeded in changing despite a difficult start. In the midst of a stressful situation, Mom switched gears: she opened her heart and approached Maria with sensitivity and care.

Mom demonstrated personal growth, compassion, and love in the midst of what she experienced as extraordinary stress. In this down-to-earth story, Mom expressed her higher self—and so can we.

What Does It Mean to Parent with Wisdom and Compassion?

Let’s demystify this lofty ideal so that we can recognize it and trust that it’s accessible to us all. Parenting with wisdom and compassion builds upon the foundation of mutual respect, which is at the heart of my first book, by adding two potent features.

First, we create emotional safety for our children as often as possible, especially when it’s most needed during extraordinary stress. We use our will to spend less time yelling, criticizing, nagging, or giving up and caving in. Steeped in a vision of possibility, we’re inspired to become more skillful in learning to think and act respectfully even when this poses a huge challenge.

Second, in this rich environment of stability and security, we inevitably become more accepting of our children and ourselves. We’re able then to free our attention and tune in with an open heart and mind; we’re able to gain deeper understanding. This provides family members with what they need to express their highest potential. Maria’s mother modeled this beautifully.

To experience a new level of calm and to demonstrate wisdom and compassion during our most trying moments may feel impossible. In all honesty, it requires a leap in consciousness. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that it is truly a spiritual act to sustain our equanimity during extraordinary stress. Of course, we won’t always succeed. But to hold a vision of growth is possible for all of us. Maria’s mother yearned for change and eventually liberated herself and her children from painful, old patterns. We can too!

Parenting with Wisdom and Compassion: Bring Out the Best in Your Family focuses on these toughest of times. We’ll find, with great delight, that the attitudes and skills we acquire to deal with extraordinary stress will also enhance our relationships with our children when no stress exists. In the daily routines of ordinary life, when we listen with deep understanding and engage with our children in loving-kindness, we’ll face fewer problems and enjoy more smiles, laughter, hugs, sensitivity, and closeness—the joy in our relationships.

A great journey lies ahead!

What Will We Learn?

As explained in The Author’s Passion, this book focuses on the final three steps of the Six-Step Process. These more advanced attitudes and skills build upon the initial three steps described in Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self. Therefore, familiarity with them will greatly support our ability to take advantage of the new material. Chapter 2 provides an extensive summary of those key components. It includes the original Quality Parenting principles and the Three-Step Process, plus numerous exercises and charts designed to help us create a family environment based on mutual respect, the keynote of the centered self.

In Chapter 3, we’ll look closely at extraordinary stress, our most formidable challenge in parenting, and discover that it surfaces when we confront unfinished business and frustrated dreams. We’ll have an opportunity to identify these situations by engaging in experiential exercises. As we heighten awareness of our personal triggers and attachments, we lay the groundwork for change.

Chapter 4 presents the second set of Quality Parenting principles. These will deepen our understanding of the original set and provide powerful and surprising new insights into what motivates our children’s behavior.

In Chapter 5, we’ll learn step four of the Six-Step Process. This transitional step introduces a bridge exercise that is designed to help us shift consciousness from the centered self to the higher self. It is in this expanded state of awareness that we’ll discover the wellspring of our wisdom and compassion.

In Chapter 6, we’ll meet five higher-self characters. They each embody facets of the best within human nature. We’ll become acquainted with the transformational ideas that influence how they think and the relationship skills that affect how they act.

The remaining chapters will bring the five higher-self characters to life. As we study and connect with them, we’ll be taking the final steps in the Six-Step Process. In steps five and six, we will learn how to identify with each character and express its wisdom and compassion in our interactions with our children. Through this process, we’ll be actively engaged in parenting from the higher self.

In Chapter 7, Intuitive, our first higher-self character, helps us deal with problems of authority. The centered self taught us how to listen respectfully to the information our children have gained in their lives and how to assert what we know. Now we’ll learn how to recognize the many ways the intuition reveals its deeper knowing, so that we can follow its lead.

Peacemaker, in Chapter 8, addresses the issue of needs. We’ll learn that we don’t have to view needs as competing, but that respectfully acknowledging differing needs may not always be enough to resolve a conflict. We can create solutions that truly meet both parents’ and children’s needs: a win-win approach.

In the next two chapters, Fair Witness, our third higher-self character, presents us with a fascinating theory that sheds light on the topic of perception. In Chapter 9, we explore the inevitability of human imperfection. We discover why we each possess a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses; we’ll learn that acceptance serves as the basis for the many innovative and effective ways we can support our children’s growth. In Chapter 10, Fair Witness teaches us how to open our lens to aspects of the world to which we had been previously blind or had rejected. This helps us learn to recognize and appreciate the value of different points of view.

Faithful, in Chapter 11, helps us deal with conflicts about control. These conflicts are especially disturbing because they challenge our core values. They are highly risky because our children don’t agree there is a problem and resent our interference. Two powerful resources help us detach and let go so we can transform these highly emotional situations into opportunities for growth.

In Chapter 12, we’ll examine expectations. When facing the disappointment of unmet expectations, we may close our hearts and revert to conditional love. Pure Love, our final higher-self character, teaches us how to practice forgiveness so that we can love unconditionally—the ultimate ideal.

Rich Rewards

Peggy O’Mara, who has gained international celebrity as the publisher, editor, and owner of Mothering magazine, shared this simple yet profound and universal truth about parenting: There is no other relationship that has the same combination of intimacy and trust. No relationship makes us feel quite so at ease and none other will challenge us as much. The chapters ahead will support us in deepening the intimacy, trust, and ease—and help us to tap into our higher selves, so that we can face the challenges with greater wisdom, compassion, and skill.

Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action.

— Helen Gahagan Douglas

This chapter reviews the key ideas, exercises, and skills in Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self: Creating a Family Based on Mutual Respect. Familiarity with this material will help us make the essential shift from the lower self to the centered self: the foundation for the chapters ahead.

We’ll begin by introducing the first set of Quality Parenting principles. The core concepts that shape the book will follow. They include levels of self, becoming centered, and relationship issues. The section on becoming centered, which accounts for the majority of this first book, presents the Three-Step Process and essential exercises and charts for each step.

Working with the principles and core concepts, we learn to create a family environment of mutual respect that will help us bring out the best in our children—and discover the best within ourselves.

Quality Parenting Principles

No matter what experiences we face with our children, these principles remind us of who they are, and what they need from us. Derived from decades of experience with clients and students, the principles serve as the bedrock for the Quality Parenting program, setting the tone for both the basic and advanced classes. If we accept the premise underlying these principles, they have the power to change the quality of the parent-child relationship.

Principle One

Children have an innate drive to express their best selves—to develop their highest potential.

The key word is innate. We all have that inner drive, a yearning to find and express our best selves, to become all that we can be. It’s human nature. We all fall short and that’s human nature as well. Our job is to stay aware, to remember our children’s innate longing no matter what behavior we see.

Principle Two

Children depend on us to help them.

Children need and want our help. They are immature—works in progress—still learning how to handle their feelings, develop strength of will, and expand their minds. They can’t do it alone. We need to be able to remain calm and steadfast so that we can create an environment based on mutual respect, to help them mature and become the capable people they yearn to be.

Core Concepts

The core concepts represent the theoretical underpinnings of the first book and the Basic Quality Parenting program. This second book, along with the Advanced Quality Parenting program, builds upon those ideas.

Levels of Self

This first concept reflects an insight long accepted in mainstream thinking: we are not merely one-dimensional. As we move throughout the day, encountering a wide range of situations, diverse parts of our personalities become active. Since they emerge from different areas of the brain, they vary in their maturity and growth, affecting the quality of our interactions.

These three distinct levels are:

•   lower self

•   centered self

•   higher self

The lower self is on stage when a child or teen is whining, acting out, or being destructive—or when a parent blows up or caves in. When a child or adult is calm and composed, the centered self is in charge and the thoughtful, reasoning part of the brain is active. The higher self models the best of human nature. We recognize it in our children when they are creative, considerate, and loving—and we model it ourselves when we express transpersonal qualities such as courage, commitment, and