A Texas Ta-Ta's Take on Internet Dating

By Penny Mahon and Lisa Whitlock

A hilariously funny, laugh till you pee, realistic look at Internet Dating experiences. It deals with the real-life struggle of finding a worthwhile relationship in the "grass is always greener" society.

When you see those romantic dating ads on TV, you have no concept of what could really happen. It all looks SO EASY! This book takes that mushy, romantic stuff, rolls it into a ball and deep fries it.

If you have ever experienced a date that didn't quite meet your expectations, then reading this book will bring a smile to your face, a lift to your heart and ease away those dating blues. After all, misery does love company.

• Language: English
• Publisher: eBookIt.com
• Release date: Apr 26, 2016
• ISBN: 9781456603946

Book preview

life.

Let’s Talk Ta-Tas

You may have noticed that this book is written by The Texas Ta-Tas. And, I know the first thing on your mind is What the hell is a Ta-Ta? We’re not talking about any normal ta-tas here, we are talking about The Texas Ta-Tas. These Ta-Tas are not beautiful mounds of soft flesh, with juicy little nozzles permanently attached. No, it goes way beyond that. However, even if I do say so myself, our ta-tas ain’t bad.

From the time of birth, a man must be hard-wired to zone in on the ta-tas. Now, that’s understandable when you’re an infant and breast-feeding. Can you tell me at exactly what age they’re supposed to get re-programmed to take in all the other physical traits of a woman? I thought not. Apparently, they see us as two huge boobs, bouncing from place to place. Why do we even have arms, legs and feet, much less a face, when they never look at them? Remember that movie, Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask? and the giant boob was just bouncing randomly down the hill, squirting milk?" It’s kinda like that. Every woman everywhere has experienced this more than once, and, we need to figure out a way to reboot these guys. But, our thoughts on that will be discussed at a later date.

With that in mind, these Ta-Tas are about attitude, not appendages. And Texas women are known for having plenty of ATTITUDE! Attitude is not just exclusive to Texas, I’ll bet some of you women from Wisconsin and even New Hampshire, can get kinda rowdy when you want to. Texas Ta-Tas are women who have worked hard all of their lives, experienced as many bad times as good, have the ability to laugh at themselves (and others, cause what’s the fun of just laughing at yourself?), and been responsible for the happiness of themselves as well as others. It’s been said that the bond between mother and child is unbreakable. As women, we all know there is another bond out there that surpasses all understanding. We all recognize our own. By now, you have a grasp of what a Texas Ta-Ta is. But, down in Texas we want to make darn sure that we’re on the same page. So, below is our recipe.

Recipe for The Texas Ta-Ta

Take two cups of Steel Magnolias

3 scoops of the Sweet Potato Queens

1 stick of Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Throw in a pinch of craziness from the Red Hat Ladies Society

Only a dash of Pussycat Dolls (too much could leave yourself wide open for serious problems)

And garnish with the courage of Thelma and Louise

Mix all this together and you get women, with the Spirit of Texas in our Souls, adventure in our hearts and the courage to dare to be different. We’re not afraid of challenges or failures in life, and with a little help from our friends, we pull ourselves up by the boot straps and keep on truckin.’ We’re also not afraid to laugh at ourselves, wear goofy clothes, travel the wide open spaces or embarrass our children. We live life to the fullest and we love completely and passionately. That love extends to God foremost, our families, the men and women who serve our country, sisters of all colors, races and religions, and bless their little hearts, the testosterone laden of America!

If you are a woman with some of these characteristics, you may be a Texas Ta-Ta in training. So, take a walk on the wild side, throw caution to the wind, form your posse and create your own group of Ta-Tas, cause we want to hear from you. Just contact us thru the website, www.texastatas.com, and feel free to spread the word!

Internet dating may be our first take on a worthy subject, but it certainly won’t be our last. We hope you look forward to our next exciting adventure! With big ole hugs and kisses....

The Texas Ta-Tas

Chapter 1

Mr. Superficial Slug

It seems that proper criteria is to go to a restaurant, bar or the proverbial coffee shop for your first meeting. It’s usually recommended that you do this in the afternoon or early evening, go in your own car and make sure that one friend knows exactly where you are. Now a friend that truly has your back will have pre-arranged a get out of date call at about 30 minutes into it. This leaves you the option of creating an urgent need to leave, or not if the date is going well. I don’t think this really fools them, hell they probably have some kind of back out plan too.

I was so excited about meeting this guy, that after having made the obligatory emails and telephone calls, I agreed to meet this guy for breakfast. How dangerous could it be sitting next to a stack of buttermilk pancakes with four choices of syrup? My hormones over-rode my good sense, because I agreed to meet this guy at 3:00 in the morning. (NTR...I had no clue that she was meeting a guy for BREAKFAST and read her the riot act afterwards! I had visions of Woman dismembered at Denny’s, news flash at 11:00!...L).

Everyone knows what a slug is and believe me ladies, this guy is the King of all Slugs. He was six feet tall, with an athletic build and very GQ. By GQ, I mean well fitting slacks (and, I do mean well), starched oxford shirt, Gucci loafers complete with tassels and matching belt. From the looks of him, he was definitely younger, which is just fine by me. He had a smile like a 100-watt light bulb and a thick head of dark, shiny hair. He was articulate, and seemed every bit a gentleman. That initial feeling of nervousness evaporated quickly, once he turned on the charm, and for a brief moment (and, I do mean brief), I saw myself picking out a wedding gown. This guy was attractive, funny and knew his way around women. He was so honest in his dishonesty, that I actually liked him. As an experienced Internet dater, he began to tell me the dos and don’ts of the internet dating world and boy, I hung on every word. As the conversation continued, little bits of the real slime ball came out.

Now, I’m a very direct woman, and I pretty much say what’s on my mind, so I had no problem in asking him what I thought were probing questions. Finally, I must have asked the wrong question, because