Love Runs Thru It

By Winona Wendy Joy

Not knowing what to do when her experience of men was always negative, Joanna sought solitude, craving a world of no men to harm her. She knew of no experience of men that didn't hinge upon their desire to abuse or possess her. Joanna could not talk to her mother about it for fear of being taken away from her mother by the authorities. The first time she was raped at a very young age, her mother wanted to celebrate, thinking all the blood on her daughter's underwear was from Joanna starting her first period.

Joanna was not safe while babysitting, or in her foster home after her mother died. She petitioned to live independently and was given permission to do so. Saving all the money she could save from her waitress job, studying many religions, Joanna decided to become a Buddhist and go to an all- male monastery in Tibet, thinking she would be safe living among monks as one of them. A silent monastery would keep her safer, she thought, compared to any other type. A place of silent contemplation needed no explanation, nothing except trying to fit in. Wearing long robes, and head gear, she did fit in for years.

Traveling many miles on a spiritual trek, through mountainous terrain, Joanna learned from various experiences that love did indeed run through it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Winona Wendy Joy
• Release date: Apr 24, 2016
• ISBN: 9781311723567

Winona Wendy Joy

I am writing my fifth book. It will be on Smashwords soon. I'm sure you'll like it, a MYSTERY!I live on the coast of Oregon, alongside a raging creek with seven fish ladders just outside the door. Makes for the most lovely, crashing water sound. My boyfriend, Author/Writer, David Seed opened up the world of writing for me. He has several published books on Smashwords.com.

Book preview

LOVE RUNS THRU IT

by Winona Wendy Joy

Published on Smashwords by

Western Grebe Publishing

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Copyright 2015 Winona Wendy Joy

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for buying this ebook. It is licensed for your personal enjoyment and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you want to share this book, please purchase another copy to share. If you’re reading this book and didn’t buy it, please buy a copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

About the Author

Chapter One

It wasn’t long that I waited. I knew he would be back as soon as she left the house. It felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. My heart was beating so loudly I thought he would be able to hear it. I felt insanely scared, actually petrified. I couldn’t move. I was like a small deer in the headlights of a car, watching the lights get bigger and bigger until the car would smash into the deer, which was me.

Why oh why? Why did I have to grow boobs, I’m only eleven, and lots of girls my age are still flat. He never looked at me with that look until this year. The first time it happened, it put pure terror in my heart. I just knew it wasn’t going to be good, whatever he was thinking, and whatever he might do.

He was a Deacon of our church. My mom, thought he was so religious and nice, she had no idea; so she left me with him. Not too often, but often enough, whenever she couldn’t get anybody else to sit with me. She called him, Brother Abel. He was no brother, not even brotherly, no more than the man in the moon. She trusted him perfectly. I wished I could tell her about him, but he told me all the terrible things he would do to both of us, my mom and me, if I ever told anybody. I couldn’t let mama get hurt. She was already hurt enough. First, by my real dad, then by her boyfriends, while I was growing up. Then she joined her church, the church of her dreams, where everyone loved everyone else, took care of others, even babysat for free. She was really hoodwinked, I think that’s what they call it. I call it being dumb, plain ol’ dumb.

The first time I went to that church, I was only a little kid, but I knew to be afraid of the church people, and especially the preacher. He yelled at us from the pulpit, yelling that we ought to be saved or we would go to hell. I prayed to God to save me from him, and from all the people like him.

Now, that I’m eleven and filling out nicely, as Brother Abel puts it, I have to pray to God to really save me. In a way, I’d rather go to hell. Maybe the devil could be talked into keeping his hands off me. Unlike the deacon of the church.

So, the front door just closed, and now I know mom’s gone. I hear padding down the hall, my bedroom door creaks open, my eyes are just little slits, and I see a slash of light coming from the doorway. He comes over to my bed, looks down, and stands there for a long, long time, just staring down at me.

I know I’m going to be sick and die, and I wish I’d hurry up, so I wouldn’t have to be here when it happens. Not really knowing exactly what it is going to be.

All Abel ever has done to me so far, is to grab me in the basement of the church. I was in a Sunday school room, getting song books, when he came in, cornered me, and said how pretty I was becoming.

Telling me then, You’re filling out very nicely, and made me want to puke.

I was shocked to death nearly, when he came close, grabbed me by the head, sticking his tongue into my mouth and pulled up my sweater, feeling my small breasts under my beginner’s bra, just about making me faint with surprise, and giving me the creeps...big time. I tried to push his big body away as I heard him threatening to kill my mom if I ever told anyone what he was doing. I was shaking for hours afterwards, and Mama wanted to know what was wrong with me when she saw me after that happened.

I just told her, I have a headache. I’ll go up to my room and lay down a while, I don’t feel well.

That being the understatement of the century, I didn’t know it then, but I’d never feel really well again, not in this lifetime.

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Hearing the TV being turned on, I finally drifted off to sleep. I was thinking I would be safe for one more night. This gave me a false sense of safety, because nothing did happen that night, not really.

The next morning Mama told me that she got back early, so I figured Abel knew she wouldn’t be gone very long and that he probably didn’t feel safe enough to molest me.

I went to school like all the other little girls my age, for the next year. Abel did molest me two more times that year. It was always when he had me completely alone, so I became increasingly sensitive to times when I would be alone at the church, at his house, or at my house. I became a frightened listener; anxiety and fear ruled my life.

During the school year, I had a counselor that asked me if anything was bothering me at school or at home. I so wanted to tell her the truth about brother Abel, but I already heard she would have to report it to the authorities, and maybe they would take me away from my mother, because the authorities might think she wasn’t keeping me safe. After all, my mom didn’t even know about what brother Abel was doing, so how could she keep me safe?

Then I told the counselor, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Smiling, I left her office.

Pretending I was just like everyone else was such a daily challenge. Sometimes a minute by minute challenge. There was this monster on my mind always... just lurking there. In fact, even when a nice man was near me, I was nervous. Knowing I couldn’t really tell a nice man from a monster man made me more anxious and afraid. I never trusted anyone. Not even my own mom, not enough to believe she could keep me safe. Safe from monsters, and safe from the Child Welfare Department.

At my middle school I was chosen to be a cheerleader. That was the one thing most girls wanted to be. I didn’t really care, but I had to act like I cared, so it would look like I fit in, and so people would think I was normal, at least on the outside. Our cheerleader coach assigned lots of cheers to us that were active, exhausting, and even tedious to work out. We wore skimpy little outfits in our school colors. At the very first practice period, I saw Abel in the stands, watching. Then I saw some men teachers huddled together at the other end of the bleachers, just watching too. It truly gave me the creeps. When I went home after practice, I told my mom I wanted to stop being a cheerleader. She just about cried over me telling her