It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This: A Humorous Holiday Anthology

By Andrew Shaffer

"If you're looking for something tart to cut the holiday sweetness, Shaffer offers a naughty little treat." -- The Gazette

"It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This" is an off-beat collection of Christmas parodies, essays, poems, and cartoons by New York Times bestselling humorist Andrew Shaffer.

Previously published as "The Shelf on the Elf," this newly-expanded holiday cult classic has it all: holiday pickles, regret, talking lambs, and knife-wielding maniacs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: 8th Circle Press
• Release date: Dec 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310297151

Andrew Shaffer

Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love and, under the pen name Fanny Merkin, Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. His writing has appeared in such diverse publications as Mental Floss and Maxim. An Iowa native, Shaffer lives in Lexington, Kentucky, a magical land of horses and bourbon.

Book preview

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This

If you’re looking for something tart to cut the holiday sweetness, Shaffer offers a naughty little treat. — The Gazette

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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This is an off-beat collection of Christmas parodies, essays, poems, and cartoons by New York Times bestselling humorist Andrew Shaffer.

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Previously published as The Shelf on the Elf, this newly-expanded holiday cult classic has it all: holiday pickles, talking lambs, and knife-wielding maniacs.

Praise for Andrew Shaffer

Always funny. — LitReactor

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"The literary equivalent of a good Saturday Night Live skit." — The Hollywood Reporter on Fifty Shames of Earl Grey

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Witty... Clever... — USA Today

CONTENTS

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like F*ck This

The True Meaning of Christmas

The Christmas Snitch

Regret

Law & Order: A Very Special Christmas Episode

Frontline In the War on Christmas

Do You Hear What I Hear?

The World Is Going to Shit

Hiding the Holiday Pickle

An Earl Grey Christmas

Some Good News and Bad News About Santa

Hunting Season

A Terrible Joke Only ‘90s Kids Will Get

The Murders Across the Street from the Rue Whorehouse: A Christmas Story

Some Thoughts for a Bleak Midwinter Night

About the Author

Acknowledgments

Also By Andrew Shaffer

THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

THE CHRISTMAS SNITCH

Have you ever wondered how Santa Claus knows

if you’re naughty or nice every year when it snows?

Since olden days, it’s been a closely-kept secret.

I’ll tell you the truth, so long as you don’t leak it.

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Every December, Santa sends me your way

to watch everything that you do and you say.

My orders come from the jolly fat man himself.

I’m his eyes and his ears, a little old elf.

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When I arrive you must give me a name,

something like Fanny or Merkin or Zane.

Girl names and boy names, whatever you choose.

My gender is fluid—any name will do!

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Every night when you’re tucked in and asleep,

I’ll fly to the North Pole with one magic leap.

While you’re snoring away at home in your bed,

I’ll tell Santa everything you’ve done and you’ve said.

If you’ve broken even one little rule

(like not washing your hands after using the stool),

on Santa’s naughty list your name shall be writ,

and this year for Christmas coal is all ye shall get.

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I’ll be back in your house before the sun is risen,

and at first you may think that I’ve gone missin’.

That’s because I won’t be where I was yesterday,

I’m somewhere new in your home, hidden away…

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I could be in the kitchen or bathroom or den,

or on an exercise bike watching CNN.

I could be in the fridge or the oven—who knows!

When it comes to hiding spaces, anything goes.

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Oh look, you’ve found me—that was quick.

You’re a clever one, so full of tricks!

You have something to show me, you say?

You want me to get on my knees and pray?

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I don’t understand, this isn’t much fun.

That thing in your hands…is that a gu—

REGRET

Last Christmas, I