(imminently) DEAD
By Naomi Kramer
()
About this ebook
Warning: Contains violence, rude words, and Aussie spelling and slang. Not suitable for children.
Naomi Kramer
Naomi Kramer is an Australian author living in Queensland. She's addicted to coffee, dyes her hair odd colours, and looks a little like a corporate hippy on weekdays. She loves the beach, and her dream is to own a world-class barista.
Read more from Naomi Kramer
What the F*ck is a Christian Anyway? Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Fallacy of Race and the Shoah Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings(technically) DEAD Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMaisy May 2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBad F*ck I Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMaisy May Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDEAD (as a doorpost) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBad Juju Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBad F*ck II Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDEAD (and hellbent) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDEAD(ish) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to (imminently) DEAD
Related ebooks
Imminently Dead: Deadish, #4 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsShort Stories Volume Three Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFall into Me Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Behind The Rainbow Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDEAD (as a doorpost) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsOnly Yours Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCaged Little Birds Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGreed: The Sinners Brotherhood, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAs Skies Became Crimson Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Stay With Me Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Life is a Strange Place Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsKing of Nothing: a dark RH Peter Pan Retelling: Brutal Never Boys, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThings We Saw At Midnight Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Heracian Affair Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dead as a Doorpost: Deadish, #3 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Ghost of Alcatraz Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDragon's Heat: A BWWM Paranormal Romance Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5God Loves You Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsStay the Night Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWaiting For Gideon Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBobbie Mendoza Saves the World (Again) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Siren's Tail: As the Chair Turns, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAnd Then There Were Four Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLove Sex & Other Games (Part 3) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsErosion Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWild: Heaven Hill Generations, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsExit Point Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsUpgrading Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsJustice For Belle Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsConstellations Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Sex Hacks: Over 100 Tricks, Shortcuts, and Secrets to Set Your Sex Life on Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,320 Funniest Quotes: The Most Hilarious Quips and One-Liners from allgreatquotes.com Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Great Book of Riddles: 250 Magnificent Riddles, Puzzles and Brain Teasers Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/51,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dating You / Hating You Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Favorite Half-Night Stand Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Swamp Story: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for (imminently) DEAD
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
(imminently) DEAD - Naomi Kramer
Copyright information
(imminently) DEAD by Naomi Kramer
Copyright 2013 Naomi Kramer. All rights reserved.
If you’d like to make use of part of this book, please email me and ask. I’m usually pretty reasonable.
My email address is nomesque@gmail.com, or visit my website at naomikramer.com
Verlag GD Publishing Ltd. & Co KG
E-Book Distribution: XinXii
http://www.xinxii.com
(Geordie)
I’m Geordie. Bet you never thought you’d hear from me, hmmm? I’m the walk-on character in Linda’s little death melodrama. God, I’ll give her credit, she sure knows how to die with style. It’s not something you usually get much practice at, is it? But that girl carried it off with flair.
So, since you never got to know me before, let me give you a chance now. My real name’s John, but no one’s called me that for years. Except Mum, but she – well, yes. Everyone knows me as Geordie. Why? No good reason, except that in a certain group of regulars in a pub in Melbourne, there were two Johns, so they called him Bruce and me Geordie - cos I come from Newcastle. New South Wales, not England, but clearly that didn’t matter a squidge. So I’ve been Geordie ever since, which is funny, because the real Geordies aren’t really known for their flouncing, darling – they tend to knife someone where I’d just use witty repartee. Maybe that’s the same thing, in a way, but my version causes less staining to the clothes.
I do flounce far too much, I’ll admit it. I also pout too much, cry too much, and I’m so melodramatic that sometimes I make myself sick, darlings…Lazarus calls me a walking stereotype, and I call him a walking stiff, and he says, Walking stiffy more like, honey!
and…well, let’s say no one’s feelings get hurt, hmm?
Lazarus is my opposite, my soul mate, and the person who understands me best in the whole world. He knows that I flounce and flame because I like the security of the mask. People know what to expect from a flaming gay guy with a limp wrist, and they never expect much. That suits me to a T. Lazarus, bless him, knows that I’m truly ditzy, and he helps me keep it together. And he loves me. God knows why.
But this isn’t about me. Well, it is, but it’s about a particular part of me and my life. Like, why someone wants to kill me.
Yes, someone wanting to kill little old me! Somehow I doubt you find that quite as shocking as I do. You might even be sitting there muttering, I’d like to kill you too, you annoying little runt!
Well, if you are, go away. I don’t like you.
On to the drama!
I got home a few nights ago, and there was a letter. Doesn’t sound shocking at all, does it, darlings? But this was so mysterious! A lovely cream-coloured envelope, the sort of quality, textured paper that you just don’t see any more. And blank! No address, no name, no postage stamp. Some lovely person hand-delivered this, I thought, and wondered if Lazarus had roped in a friend to surprise me. So the thing caught my attention, got me all excited, and then – CRASH. In letters that had been cut from newspaper headlines, it said:
YOU CHEATING BASTARD YOURE GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT YOUVE DONE I WILL HURT YOU.
Eww. I put it in a drawer and did my best to forget about it. I hate even thinking about that sort of thing. But I’ve received more, and they’re all so appallingly vitriolic. The one this morning was the very last straw. It said:
Dearest Geordie,
Terribly sorry, old chap, but