5 Gallons to Empty

By charity sills

I have created a memoir-based narrative road map so that other young women can enjoy their femininity and gain a sense of inner strength while avoiding some of the painful roadblocks, quicksand, and dead ends that many falsely believe are a fact of life. I worked diligently to educate and rebuild myself and I have sifted through the years of workshops, manuscripts, therapists and outlets to highlight the few tools that I find to be the most efficient. As my target audience ranges from 13 to 40 years of age due to varying maturity levels and life experiences, I have kept the manuscript brief yet thorough.

In Five Gallons to Empty I share with honesty and vulnerability, my journey from despair and pain to strength and inner fortitude. It is my deepest desire to inspire other young women and to help them avoid the painful, unnecessary, and avoidable trials to which so many fall victim.

The manuscript, which is already complete, has been professionally edited by Diane Sussman, Copy Chief of The Guardian and by Irena Smith, Ph.D., who is a writing consultant. According to Diane Sussman, I have a “natural raw talent, a kind heart and wonderful intentions.”

According to Irena Smith, it has been an honor to read my work. “Charity, your work is raw, honest and often painful-but at the same time suffused with a deep humanity, a wicked humor and a true resilience. You have done something unique and incredibly life-affirming and I can’t wait to see it take off.”

I have invested a tremendous amount of time, money, and emotion into this book. But in the end, it is not about me; it is about serving as a guide to young women. I believe they need one. I believe I am one. If you have taken note lately of their current role models, or if you have a daughter, you may agree that they are in dire need of a stronger voice. I am excited to see this book in print and to passionately market it so that young women everywhere can learn from my mistakes and live comfortably, powerfully and productively. Enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: charity sills
• Release date: Oct 22, 2015
• ISBN: 9781519991782

Book preview

Acknowledgements

Thank you, Diane Sussman, for your insight and brilliance. You inspire me.

Thank you, Irena Smith, for your gentle guidance and valuable time.

Thank you, Karen Mireau, for your much valued time, friendship and belief in me and this project.

And finally thank you to my friends and family, for loving me just as I am.

"At the height of laughter,

the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope

of new possibilities"

- Jean  Houston

I was high as hell on speed and watching with detached interest the man with the nun chucks break the rear window from the passenger seat of the Honda Accord that I was sitting in. The driver was the drug dealer who had made the nun chuck guy angry in the first place. God knows what he had done this time. After the window shattered he sped out in reverse – realizing at the same moment that the nearby cops were also interested in him. The cops chased us, in reverse, at what must have been a hundred miles per hour.

You would think I would at least feel fear or excitement, but I was high and I just watched it all happen the way that most people watch television. The drug dealer had exceptional driving skills and was able to lose the cops. Or perhaps it was a blatant lack of fear or regard for rules of any kind that allowed our escape.  I was relieved that neither the cops nor the nun chuck guy caught up with us and we could return to the party. I felt on top of the world but in reality my life was rapidly disintegrating. But I was a tough girl, I could handle it.  Or, so I thought...

Foreword

––––––––

Dear Readers,

It is my wish that you begin this journey with me, enjoy it in its entirety, and leave this book with a better understanding of yourself and the world. The events I will share with you are nonfiction. Some of the material was pulled directly from journals from that time. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that perhaps these events weren’t your run-of-the-mill life experiences.

Maybe you can relate to some of them. Maybe these stories will inspire you and save you some heartache. I sought confidence in many impossible places when I was younger. The intention of this book is to inspire young women to seek confidence within. At the very least, I aim to amuse you.

It is my hope that this book will play like a good movie, that it will make you laugh, cry, and think. It is about my experiences with drugs, love, lust, and spirituality. Be advised. It contains some graphic language and material. I think that my disclosure of this reality is important in accomplishing what I wish to with this book. I mean no disrespect to anyone.

Enjoy the ride. I did at times but I am glad it is all behind me and I am grateful to have become who I am today. If I can entertain in a way that spares the world unnecessary pain, then I have succeeded.

- Charity Robin Sills

Table of Contents

Title Page

Acknowledgements

Forward

Section One

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Section Two

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Section Three

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Section Four

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Section Five

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Epilogue

Chapter 1

Early Childhood

In a small town near Fort Worth, Texas in December of 1980, I was born weighing 3 pounds and 4 ounces. I spent the first month of my life in a hospital and the first year with severe colic. It entailed spiking fevers, seizures, migraines and crying 90% of the time. By the time I could walk the difficulties subsided and I began to explore our yard in Texas.

As a toddler my bare feet roamed the multi-acre rugged prairie. Wildflowers were as abundant as the two-foot tall grasses that swayed with the wind. In the springtime bluebonnets grew which pleased the various birds. The scissor-tailed flycatchers fluttered about and roadrunners ran in front of our car to defend their nest.

It was hot, hot, hot. At nighttime the massive sky turned from blue to pink.

My hair was wild. I observed the several feral cats that we had in order to tame the sometimes five-foot-long rattlesnakes. I often explored somewhat unsupervised and as my mother recalls this time she says with a smile, As long as I could see your nappy head bobbing up and down above the weeds I knew you were fine.

My six older sisters, in accordance with the laws of nature, tended to go in pairs, thus leaving me the odd girl out. They played with me on occasion and I thought they were so fascinating and wise. They were all much older than I.

I was always daddy’s girl, though I seldom saw him growing up. In order to feed us, he traveled as an engineer to the highest bidder and visited us when he could. When he did come home my eyes lit up and my siblings and I raced to greet him. He was always so calm and kind. He was a man of few words with a gentle demeanor. He often gave me ice cream and presents. The strain of raising us alone was difficult for my mother and she did not hide her resentment of having to take care of us.

The chaos began whenever my father left. It was not uncommon to see objects flying through the air, hear screaming, and get a bruise or two. I remember watching a landline telephone glide across the living room and land on my oldest sister’s head. I also watched my brother throw a brick through a window. It was as if everyone had two versions of themselves. One version was charming and likeable, the other was a fighter—snarling, screaming, pointing fingers and choosing sides. Tension was high and my fear confused me. My mother’s mood, that day, dictated our happiness or lack there-of.

Mother fluctuated between putting us on a pedestal and calling us terrible names like, a worthless piece of shit. I remember being lined up to receive a belt whipping. What did we do? we would ask each other in hushed whispers. I don’t know! It was very scary. Sometimes there was a seemingly legitimate reason such as dishonesty or not doing our chores. Other times it was about a pack of gum or not eating the last bite of cereal. Sometimes she would skip the lineup and just whip me saying, If I do this to the baby what will I do to you?

I remember my sister Stacey frequently taking the rap for things other siblings did because she could not stand to see us hurting. I grew