Dancing Alone

By CB Angell

Darsi's shattered leg would never be the same. After three surgeries she still had trouble walking and her balance was off from the concussion. In the judgment of her doctors she was finished dancing for the next year or two, possibly forever. I knew how to dance, I knew what to do, and after weight training and working out I could handle Darsi's weight, but what actually happened was too vague. All I remembered was seeing her in the air, twisting out of control. Later, there were rumors about me losing my timing, not to be trusted, must be getting too old, he's too dangerous for a partner, his days are over. After those rumors many of the girls were reluctant to dance with me and finding a partner became harder and harder until finally, I left dancing all together. Things had changed, the people had changed, and my life had changed, all for the worse. Dancing is something I love, but I disliked the ego stroking, jealousies, politics, and affairs. Deep in your heart you know when things really change and your life is over. You know when that day comes along when you have to quit and walk away. You don't like being told the truth, you can't help feeling sick inside, you do your best to hide your tears, but you do have to walk away. Don't ask for help. Don't ask for anything. Just walk away...

• Language: English
• Publisher: CB Angell
• Release date: Oct 19, 2015
• ISBN: 9781519951267

Book preview

Dancing Alone

CB. Angell

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Chapter 1.

Competition has been my life. I'm a dancer, a professional Ballroom dancer. I love the precision, the moves, the tense control, and the feeling of a pretty girl in my arms. I love seeing the look in her eyes when we make perfect moves and I compliment her. I love the feel of her body bending and twisting through difficult maneuvers, then watching her smile. Because of the speed and precision, dancing is one of the toughest sports you do, but it doesn't look like it. You have to overlook the injuries and hard work, but you can't overlook the hidden agendas and false affections the others have. People dance for different reasons, but dancing perfectly was all I ever cared about. The rest, winning and success, followed like pet dog, but I didn't realize the cost of winning and the resentment it caused. 

While I stood at the edge of the dance floor waiting for the competition to begin I glanced at the others. Of course their nerves were running high. This was a regional championship, a pretty big deal, and I took it seriously, but this time I didn't care about winning. I wanted perfection. While glancing around the huge ballroom I noticed the other dancers preening, twitching, smiling nervously, and breathing quickly. You could cut the nervous tension with a knife. Some were stiff and rigid looking scared to death, but when I looked at them, a few of the younger girls flashed their warm, flirtatious smiles, stood straighter and puffed out their chests. I knew they wanted to dance with me. They thought it might improve their reputations, but they were like young puppies looking for attention. While giggling and flirting they really didn't understand what my level of competition meant, but they did anything for attention. Just to be noticed, anything for just a little publicity. Some of the girls were really good dancers and went right to work, but others laughed too loud, giggled too much, then casually pulled the tops a little lower. Anything for attention. I didn't always ignore them, but I wasn't interested in puppies right now. Not now, not anymore.

After working hard with my wife, Darsi, practicing thousands of times until we had all the moves down cold we were ready. But, sometimes no matter how good you are or how hard you prepared mistakes can happen. Mistakes you can't even dream of and when they do happen, things fall apart and go straight to hell. Everyone's nerves were on edge, speech was short, nervous laughter was all around me and I could feel the tension in the air. Years before I learned to maintain my focus by ignoring the others and thinking only about dancing. Focus, focus, focus. That's all that mattered. Focus and ignore everything else. I did that to calm my nerves and it worked. 

After a deep breath, I closed my eyes then thought about each step, each position, each phase, the rhythm, the pace and then those tosses. That would be a big surprise. Nobody expected them, not with this dance. While I thought about the steps, mentally rehearsing, I noticed time was getting short and Darsi still wasn't here. Damn it, she was always screwing around wasting time. Damn, she drives me nuts doing this. 

Finally at the last second she walked up looking flushed and excited, breathing quick, and with too much cleavage showing. She always did that and loved the attention.

Where have you been? I asked.

What's the matter, there's still plenty of time. she smiled, batting her eyes.

No, we're on next. Any second now.

Sweetie, we need to talk. she leaned closer.

Later.

Jim, you need to know something.

Not now, we're on next. Look, watch the judges, pay attention.

Ooh, Jimmy relax, she sighed, you're going to win this thing, everybody knows that.

Nobody knows anything until it's over. Have you seen this crowd? Look around, this is serious.

Yeah, right. You always win.

We win, Darsi, we win. We're a team. There, see that? That's for us, let's go.

No.. wait, I. . . she pulled back.

No, not now. I shoved her onto the dance floor.

The music started and Darsi glared at me for an instant then turned on her professional smile and we danced tightly with quick moves that were automatic. After moving once around the dance floor making several clever steps and three tight spins I moved Darsi into position for the first high toss, but she looked at me.

Jimmy. . listen, Darsi whispered, . . I've. .

Not now. Later, damn it. Focus, Darsi, pay attention.

No, listen to me. I've been . .

After this, wait till after this. Now, get ready.

Goddd . . she gasped, you never listen to me.

I got set for the first toss and leaned back, ready to swing Darsi up into the air, but she moved close to whisper. Again, I ignored her. This was too crucial. Using all my strength, I gripped her body then started swinging her up. This had to be good, had to be perfect for her to land just right. Using all my strength, I started swinging her body up, but just then Darsi whispered to me.

Jimmy, I'm having an affair with . ..

That was all I heard. My mind went numb. Everything stopped. There was no noise, no sound, not even any movement then I looked up. My god, it was too late. After I tossed her Darsi was in the air, moving, twisting, but this was wrong. Her eyes opened wide while she twisted. She knew it was wrong.

Jim. . Jim. . .no. . . she gasped, knowing it was wrong.

She wasn't supposed to twist. In shock, I watched her turning sideways, twisting, trying to correct, but this was all wrong. We both knew what would happen.

Oohh . my god no.. . I gasped. oohh no. . 

I lunged forward and ran to her while she was still in the air, but she was too far ahead of me. She still tried to correct the twist, but couldn't. This was bad. I ran like hell to her, but I was too late. Darsi hit the floor, hard. One leg bent back under her and her head slammed into the floor with a sound I'll never forget. This was wrong, all wrong, badly, sickeningly wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Darsi never moved and lay there with her leg bent backwards, too far back. 

Get an ambulance. I yelled, Get an ambulance, RIGHT AWAY. . GET AN AMBULANCE.. .RIGHT NOW.

While Darsi lay there I grabbed her head and looked at her, fearing she was dead. She might be out cold, I didn't know which, but her eyes were closed. All around me screaming and yelling numbed my ears until I went deaf, but I held Darsi's face, wondering if she was alive.

Ooohhh god no. I whispered, Darsi. . Darsi. . talk to me. . Darsi. . 

Behind me, others were talking, yelling, screaming, and crying.

My god, Jimmy Bradford dropped his wife. someone yelled, He did that on purpose.

What? No he didn't. another girl yelled, That was an accident, He wouldn't do that, not to his own wife.

It just looks that way. a woman said, I know what happened, that was no accident.

No. Jimmy's too good. He'd never drop Darsi. I've seen him do that move a hundred times.

Not with this dance. He never did that before, not with this dance. Look at her, she's dead. That was no accident.

Nooo. . no. the girl covered her mouth, crying, Jimmy's too good. I've seen him dance too many times. He never makes mistakes.

Exactly, the first girl nodded, Exactly. He never makes mistakes. This was on purpose. . .

No. the other girl sobbed, He'd never hurt Darsi, he isn't like that. Oohh, my god, my god, . . I can't believe this .  Jimmy. . Jimmy, what happened?

I felt a hand touch my shoulder then two more hands.

Jimmy. . Jimmy. . .what happened? she asked again.

I. . .I don't know, I whispered, I don't know.. . I just . . don't know. Get an ambulance.

All I could do was hold Darsi's head and wait for help and pray she was still alive.

Ooohhh. . . god, Jimmy. .oohh . . my god. she cried.

While the girl leaned on to me, sobbing the first girl glared at me like I was murderer. I looked up and saw two cops walking toward me then closed my eyes, wondering what would happened.

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Chapter 2.

Darsi's shattered leg would never be the same. After three surgeries she still had trouble walking and her balance was off from the concussion. In the judgment of her doctors she was finished dancing for the next year or two, possibly forever. I knew how to dance, I knew what to do, and after weight training and working out I could handle Darsi's weight, but what actually happened was too vague. All I remembered was seeing her in the air, twisting out of control. Later, there were rumors about me losing my timing, not to be trusted, must be getting too old, he's too dangerous for a partner, his days are over. After those rumors many of the girls were reluctant to dance with me and finding a partner became harder and harder until finally, I left dancing all together. Things had changed, the people had changed, and my life had changed, all for the worse. Dancing is something I love, but I disliked the ego stroking, jealousies, politics, and affairs. Deep in your heart you know when things really change and your life is over. You know when that day comes along when you have to quit and walk away. You don't like being told the truth, you can't help feeling sick inside, you do your best to hide your tears, but you do have to walk away. Don't ask for help. Don't ask for anything. Just walk away.

Now, my days were spent in sales, making contacts, driving from dawn to dusk, ass-kissing every day to make a sale. Inside my mind I felt numb, dead, and useless. Every day I just existed, not caring, not giving a damn about anything. Every hour I questioned my decision about leaving dancing, but there were too many questions about Darsi's accident from too many people. When you're great, you don't make mistakes. When you're good, you make just one or two, but you know why. This time, I didn't know what happened. I just wanted to get away from the questions, the stares and the guilt. Dancing wasn't fun anymore, but nothing else was any better.

After being a professional dancer for the last fifteen years my other options for earning a living were somewhat limited, but after calling several friends I managed to land this job in sales. That meant driving one to three hundred miles every day, but at least we could eat and pay the bills. I'm not much of a salesman, but I did put on my suit and tie every morning, tuned up my smile, added a bright attitude, then headed out the door. The work was endless and frustrating and I knew I was heading for a heart attack or an accidental death on the freeway. I lived for the weekends and not driving anywhere, except to the market or out to dinner. This Saturday afternoon we drove across town for a party. While I drove Darsi gave me hell again, for things I already knew, but never talked about.

Jimmy, if you'd never quit dancing you'd still be a winner. Darsi said, Now, we're almost broke. You need to get another job.

Darsi, be realistic. When should I do that, on the weekends, at night?

Well, you . . .you could get something. What about at night?

Get serious. I leave the house at six am, sometimes five, and get home around seven or eight. By the time I get home, there's nothing left. No energy, no steam, no nothing.

So, I've noticed, she sneered, WE need more money, Jimmy. MORE. . . MONEY.

Maybe you could spend less. We could start there.

Oohh, so now it's all my fault. Darsi snorted, 'That's ridiculous. We just need more money, that's all. Don't you say one thing about money at this party. Not one thing."

Who am I going to talk to? These are all your friends, not mine.

Honey. she smiled, . . you don't have any friends, not anymore. Who else are we going to party with?

I knew I wasn't rich or successful, but I was getting tired of hearing about it and Darsi had only one subject on her mind. 

You should've stayed a pro. she grumbled, You were the best dancer I ever saw.

Coming from you, that's quite a compliment.

Well, it's true. she grumbled, If you'd just taken that offer, you wouldn't have this dumb sales job.

I wasn't good enough to be on a show like that. I knew  . .

Good enough? Are you crazy? she turned and faced me, Oohhh yes, you were. I saw you, I danced with you. I saw the other girls dance, too. Nobody was better, Jimmy, nobody. I can't dance anymore, thanks to you, but why do you think we won all those competitions? Because you were that good. I'm good, at least I was, but not like you. Any girl who danced with you became a winner. That wasn't the girl, Jimmy, that was you. You weren't just good, you were the best. If you pushed a little harder, just a little harder, you could've been a world champion. Darsi took a breath then gasped, I was shocked, I mean . . shocked, when you turned that guy down. He was going to sponsor you, pay you to dance. I couldn't believe you said no. I still can't. Darsi shook her head.

There's no real big money in dancing. I just  . .

It's not the dancing Jimmy, she growled, it's all the other stuff. You could've had your own studio, judged competitions, maybe gone on TV. It's all that other stuff. You could've done it. You really could've done it. I still can't believe . . she shook her head again, tightened her lips then looked away. All you had to do was just . . push. . just . a  little. . harder.

It wouldn't have worked. 

NOT IF YOU DON'T TAKE IT. she almost yelled, but you wouldn't listen to me. Noooohhh, not me. Oohhh, no. You had other plans. Some plan. Look at you now.

Darsi, all the pros. . .

. . Make . . a lot . of money. A lot more than you do.

Ok, maybe I wasn't meant to be a damned success. Happy now?

You don't have to yell. she sighed heavily.

Yell. . .I. . ? I swallowed then caught myself.

We had been married ten years, but there were days when it felt like ten thousand. Darsi was attractive, blonde, fairly busty, and a little loud. She had a nice smile and striking eyes, but when she got mad, her eyes changed into daggers.

I can't believe you made me ride in this dumb truck. Darsi gasped, A truck? I can't believe this. How humiliating.

There's nothing wrong with my truck. It's only two years old and . .

Jimmy, it's a truck, a stupid truck. she gasped, Ooohhh . .no, you wouldn't take my car. We just HAD to take your truck. Why won't you ever listen to me. . .ever?

Darsi, give it a break. Your friends live in the country, it's been raining. That means mud. My truck is a lot better for mud than your car.

You can say that again. she whispered, dumb . . muddy. . 

What?

Nothing. It's a party, Jimmy. she snapped, You don't go to parties in a truck. When we get there, just drop me off by the front door, then go park. . . somewhere. she turned away, half whispering, I can't believe you made me do this.

MADE . .you?

Yes, MADE. . me. she growled.

We've gone to competitions in my truck, lots of them. What's the big deal?

"I only did that because you . . you were a . .because you . oohh

never mind." 

She threw her hands up in disgust. I dropped the subject, trying to get a few minutes of peace. 

Why did you really quit dancing, Darsi asked, you were so good at it?

After your accident, I  . . .

That was your accident, not mine. she snarled, That was your fault, not mine.

Yeah, so I've heard.

You should've stayed a pro. At least you could've made some real money.

Dancing was fun, I had a good time, but I didn't do it for the money.

Just like your dumb writing. You waste more time with that. You could get a second job, but noohhh . . you need time to write. Write what? All we write are bad checks for bills. You should've stayed a pro and taken that offer. she mumbled, You're a good dancer, Jimmy, I'll give you that. 

We drove on in silence until we finally found the address then I drove onto the dirt driveway up the muddy road toward the house. Before I stopped, Darsi opened the door and got out of my 'stupid' truck then stumbled, but caught herself. Without a word she glared at me, slammed the door then hurried inside. At times like this it was difficult to contain my anger, but losing it was worse. Darsi's remarks were always the same, about money, about me getting another job, and about her accident being my fault. It wore me down. I didn't care what her friends thought of me or my truck. As far as dancing went, I needed something different. At least I knew I was good at something, but that was the past and not making money. My being in sales wasn't very high up the social food chain and that embarrassed Darsi, but knowing how she felt always gave me a cold, awkward feeling.

Most of these parties were the same. While Darsi held a large drink in one hand and waved the other in the air, she laughed and giggled while telling risqué stories about her medical experiences, leaving nothing to the imagination. When I joined the party and walked into the house, she saw me. 

Honey. . . Darsi smiled, would you tell the girls about your prostate exam?

She yelled, louder than necessary. Five or six women broke up with laughter then looked at me, trying to hide their smiles while waiting for my answer. They raised their eye brows, trying to look innocent, but barely contained their laughter.

Uuuhhh . . no. I said 

Butttttt. . . . Darsi laughed, it's so funny. her eyes flared. In truth, she glared at me. Ooohhh. . come on, the girls will love it.

I didn't answer. Some things a man doesn't talk about and that, sure as hell, is one of them..

Ooohhh . .well, I guess he's still too embarrassed. Darsi laughed. Well, from what I heard, the doctor AND the nurse, made him bend over then the nurse . . .

While I walked into the kitchen laughter exploded behind me. After closing the door I sighed with relief, enjoying the peace and looked around. A young girl of fifteen or sixteen stood in the corner, breathing quick, looking down at the floor. Her face was red and tense with some emotion and her stare was fixed, like she was ready to cry. I've seen that look too many times. I knew her name was Susan, but I didn't know her, not as a friend. She was the daughter of some people at the party.

Are you. . ok? I asked quietly.

No. she whispered, holding back tears.

Slowly, she glanced up then walked closer.

Can I . .can I . . just . . stand next to you? she whimpered, slowly putting  her arms around my waist then leaning against my chest.

Yes, of course. What happened?

I. . . I . ..I can't . . nothing.

That's a lot of tears for nothing. 

I. . . she stopped talking and looked up.

Her breathing quickened then she closed her eyes and buried her face against my chest, almost into my shirt, then quietly cried. I put my arms around her and held her close.

Did you get hurt?

No. . . her answer was quick and quiet.

You're Susan. . aren't you?

Yes. she whispered.

She leaned closer, still crying and breathing fast, but pulled herself against me.

Whatever happened, you're safe now. I said.

Ok. Susan sighed deeply then kept crying while holding on to me.

Obviously she didn't want to talk, but something rattled her. There was a noise outside and she snapped her head up in alarm then looked out the window. After glancing around she buried her face against my chest again. A few minutes later she pushed back and looked up at me.

I'm sorry. she whispered. I . . I . . didn't mean to . .

It's ok. Don't worry.

Her eyes filled with tears then she pushed back and walked away. When she got to the door Susan looked back and smiled weakly.

Thanks. she whispered.

It's ok. I nodded.

Susan glanced toward me then outside. Whatever startled her didn't seem to be there anymore and she walked away. Susan was about sixteen, maybe a little older, brunette and cute, but obviously upset. After she left I walked outside and down to my truck. There were a few phone calls I wanted to make and that was better than being the brunt of anymore jokes.

A few days earlier I called and left a brief message, reminding a woman I was still working on a manuscript for a novel. Just hearing myself say that, pretending I was a real writer, made me feel better. That took away some of that feelings of being a worthless failure, but I couldn't escape the truth. I knew I wasn't a real writer, not yet, but I loved the process of watching a story blossom onto the page. The problem was, nothing I wrote was worth reading and it sure as hell didn't blossom, at least not onto the page. I closed my eyes with those feelings of loss and failure too deep in my mind to ignore.

I knew I was a good dancer, but I didn't think I was good enough to compete with the other dancers with the flashy, glitzy, little tricks the other pros use to win. I'm not blind, I saw what they did, but I'm just not showy or political enough to play their game. While I worked on perfection they worked on winning, but that wasn't dancing, that was ass-kissing and I'm not good at that. Being a champion doesn't last forever and I knew my days were numbered, but after I dropped Darsi from that toss things fell apart pretty quickly. Old jealousies surfaced and rumors started; I was not to be trusted, I was an embarrassment, a has-been, getting too weak. I heard the comments and whispers, I knew what they said, but ignored them as much as I could, but there is a day when it's all over, with or without any fat lady singing.

After I left dancing I felt like I died, like my purpose in life ended. I had my chance, but I blew it and now I felt hollow and empty. Going to work every day was an act. Everything I did was an act. Maybe I really was dead. I don't mind hard work, but there has to be a purpose, something to accomplish, to make me feel good about job, not just putting in my time and racking up another 10,000 miles on my car.

––––––––

Chapter 3.

While I sat in my truck with the windows rolled down cool breezes blew through the air. Things were quiet and pleasant and I was alone with my thoughts, relaxing, and looking around the countryside. Sure, I was hiding, I knew it, but nobody else did. Some kids played together, animals chased each other and a cat was busy creeping across a field. I knew I couldn't stay out here forever, but I didn't want to leave the calm quiet of the truck. While I relaxed I saw the kids walk by then go behind a few cars. Two girls and a boy, one of them was that girl, Susan. Normally I wouldn't give them a second glance, but after seeing Susan in the house I watched her for a few minutes. She was reasonably cute, like most teenagers, hopefully getting better when she grew up. Still awkward and shy, she had a great sense of humor and loved to laugh, but that's why her tears bothered me. Susan wasn't very 'girly', mostly wearing jeans, jogging shoes and tee shirts. When I saw her at some other parties she seemed to be fun-loving and played outside, charging around, beating the boys at baseball and running circles around them when they chased her.

My phone call distracted me. After finishing the call I started getting out of the truck when I noticed the three kids, but now things were different. The boy had his hand down the front of Susan's pants. I didn't expect to see that. They were behind some other cars and didn't see me, but I could see them clearly. Susan looked startled, but not scared. She stared numbly, but didn't move, letting the boy feel around then he unsnapped her pants and shoved his hand down further. Susan blinked then steadied herself against the car next to her. The other girl watched with a big smile while Susan seemed mesmerized by action in her pants. The boy felt around some more then said something and Susan moved her feet apart. She closed her eyes while hanging onto the car then her head drooped to the side and she seemed to breathe deeper then opened her mouth with a gasp. The boy pushed her jeans and panties down further then adjusted his hand to a different angle. While Susan rocked back and forth, I could clearly see what was happening. Her eyes were closed, she breathed faster and faster then her mouth opened, almost gasping. I wondered if she was going to have an orgasm.

Ooohhhh . .  ooohhh. . she moaned.

While the boy pushed Susan's pants down lower the other girl walked behind Susan and started rubbing her bare bottom then the girl leaned down for a better look. Susan gasped and twisted her hips then breathed louder. The boy worked his hand quicker while Susan rolled her head from side to side, gasping. Her hips twisted back and forth quicker and quicker. Behind her the other girl seemed to be doing more than just playing with Susan's butt. The boy worked harder, rubbing faster while Susan steadied herself, but leaned on the car, rolling her head, gasping and moaning. Then the boy did or said something that startled Susan. She opened her eyes wide, turned and looked straight at me. For two or three seconds she stared at me, looking stunned then suddenly she twisted away. The boy hung on, trying to grab her pants, but with a quick move Susan shoved him back then yanked her pants up. She turned around, shoved the girl away, then pulled her jeans up, zipped them closed then quickly walked away. She never said a word, but glanced in my direction, twice then kept walking, fast. The boy watched Susan leave then smiled.

I didn't know who they were, they were about Susan's age. I stayed in my truck, letting the kids drift away before I went back to the house. That was odd, in a way. The innocence of youth, the excitement of adventure, but it reminded me of my own relationship with Darsi. There was no excitement and no sure as hell, no adventure. There was only blame and insults, demands, and frustration. There are two sides to every story, but my story was getting pretty damned old. 

Inside the house, the party was going strong. Darsi was on her third or fourth large glass of wine, telling more stories about her vaginal stitches, the itching and how many doctors came by to look at it. I kept walking, not believing she would go into such vivid detail, but the other ladies were rolling around, dying with laughter. Darsi was like that, subtle as an 18-wheeled truck skidding on ice, but she loved the attention. I listened for a few seconds, laughed once with disbelief, then walked into the kitchen and poured a tall drink. Just as I started out the back door I reached for the door knob, the door opened with a crash. Susan came running inside, hit me in the stomach then knocked me backwards until I fell against the wall.

Oooohhh. . my god. she gasped.

Looking terrified she covered her mouth while I got back up to me feet and trying to catch my breath.

Oohh . .my god. . my god. Susan whispered. Her eyes popped open, I . .oohhh. .no, I'm so sorry .. are you . .oohh . .are you Ok?

Yeah, fine, don't worry. I smiled, . .you Ok?

Yeah, . . yeah, . . she stuttered, I . . I . . uuhhh. . . she seemed distracted..

Don't worry. Go have fun.

No, I . .are you . . sure? I mean. . I didn't mean to . . .

I'm sure. I'm fine. See you later. I started walking away.

Wait...I  . .uuhh. . . thanks. she whispered.

For what?

For not . . for not . .uuuhh . . you know. . for not. . .saying . .

I winked at her and smiled, I won't say a thing.

Ooohhhh . . . thank you. she sighed heavily and smiled.

I walked away, reminding myself to be more cautious about closed doors.

The people throwing the party had a nice piece of property. It covered more than sixty acres with plenty of room to roam and walk around. The man owned a construction company and in the back of the property were five big barns for tractors, trucks and landscaping equipment. Between the house and the back barns were gardens, orchards, small sheds and shops all over the place. The place was like a small park with big-kid toys. While I walked around it was fun looking at the equipment and gardens. This was much better than being a 'parlor monkey', laughing at dumb jokes, listening to never ending stories that led nowhere, except to questions about, what I was doing these days. Everybody knew 'what I was doing, these days'. I was still in sales, still driving my butt off, still kissing asses trying to make a dollar here and there. That story hadn't changed for the last three years, and no, I hadn't sold my first novel yet. I hadn't even written it. I was still that guy, stupid enough to think he could ever write anything worth reading. How ignorant I was, what a dreamer I was, what a bum. I heard all the comments a hundred times, maybe a thousand, but that didn't stop me from writing. There were a days when I wished I could stop, days when I actually hated writing, days with overdue bills when the fridge was almost empty. There was never any extra money and too many nights when my stomach wrenched so tight it ached, like my own body hated me. Many times I went for drives or walks, covering mile after mile, trying to relax. Yeah, I was a complete, total and well-known failure. I didn't fit in anywhere, except to give other people a chance to laugh, but right now I didn't feel like being very entertaining.

While wandering around the big property, lost in my thoughts, I moved away from the laughter, questions, and sneering smiles and kept walking. A small path led to the other side of the property, as far away as I could get then I found a small spot hidden near some trees. There was a large wooden box behind large tree and I sat down and relaxed. There was a sip or two in my glass and I just taking a drink when I heard a voice.

Hi. Susan whispered. You're Jim, aren't you?

Yes. 

I felt discovered, but Susan stood there, smiling.

What're you doing out here? I asked.

Ooohh . . nothing. she acted shy, hardly looking at me. Thanks for . . not saying anything.

It's ok. Just be careful you don't get hurt.

Yeah. she smiled, We were . . just playing. What's in your drink?

Nothing you can have.

Can I try a sip? she smiled.

No. If your parents found out, I'd be shot.

I won't tell. she glanced down and away.

You wouldn't have to. If they smelled your breath, they'd come out here, looking for me, with shotguns and clubs and sticks and rocks and dynamite.

Nnoooooo. . they wouldn't. she smiled.

Yeessssssssssss. . they would. Now, get out of here.

But. . then . . .would you  . . . do something else?