A Life in the Day of Utter Nonsense

By Faye Kename

Aliens, giant chicken monsters, vampires and a mad scientist. Just another day in Imaginary City. 

The signs are all there. Something big is happening. Something not very good. It's up to Matthew Doorkey to find out what's going on and put a stop to it. With the help of a vampire with a cheese fixation, a slightly deranged but world-renowned author, a man who shares his body with an alien, a Hero who has just discovered his superhuman powers and a Villain bent on world conquest, Matthew sets out to find the truth and save his city from an unknown evil. Or at the very least, to get laid.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Faye Kename
• Release date: Sep 28, 2015
• ISBN: 9781519958730

Book preview

A Life in the Day of Utter Nonsense

By Faye Kename

Copyright © Faye Kename 2014

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted without permission of the publisher. Any similarities to real persons, living or dead are coincidental.

All rights reserved.

For Angelika Rust

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Meet The Cast

Chapter 2: Meet more of the cast

Chapter 3: Word Filler Until I Can Think Of A Story

Chapter 4: At last, some hint of a plot. Don't expect too much though.

Chapter 5: This writing thing isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

Chapter 6: I can't think of a title for this chapter.

Chapter 7 - Just some plot fillers and a nineteen-storey building is made in less than a day. Yes, I know that's impossible.

Chapter 8: It's later on and we have more nonsense.

Chapter 9: You're still reading this?

Chapter 10: I'm on a caffeine high

Chapter 11: Random silliness

Chapter 12: There's an assassin in this bit. It's really cool.

Chapter 13: I forgot what I was going to say.

Chapter 14: Insert chapter title here

Chapter 15: I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves

Chapter 16: Sunshine, rainbows and happy things.

Chapter 17: I'm running out of ideas

Chapter 18: If you're happy and you know it pick your nose

Chapter 19: A Life in

Chapter 20: The day of

Chapter 21: Utter Nonsense

Chapter 1: Meet The Cast

In a distant galaxy on a non-existent planet called Earth there is a small make-believe country called Britain. The part of Britain the story starts in is a small, unimportant town called Imaginary City.

On the outskirts of Imaginary City is the most important building in the world, the Church of Religious Intolerance. It is at the end of three streets, Avenue Lane, Lane Avenue and Street Street.  Everything except creation, evolution, and anything else begins in the graveyard of the Church of Religious Intolerance with the arrival of the post. Imaginary City Council had decided that to avoid confusion all houses on the three streets should have the same number. This made it easier to deliver letters as it was all addressed to number six Street Street, seven Avenue Lane or nine Lane Avenue. It made things more awkward for those living on the streets but no one important cared. It also meant postal delivery became a dangerous affair often ending with the postman being trampled and beaten in fights for pay cheques.

For no particular reason the story starts with Johnny Bumbag the Cereal Killer. No one yet has dared ask what Johnny has against breakfast foods and he has so far evaded the police. He keeps a collection of WANTED posters in his living room along with photos of his victims, be they cornflakes or toast. Johnny Bumbag is a sick individual. He has murdered every breakfast on  Street Street, collected today's mail and is about to have an argument with his neighbour, Wich Which the Witch. She had been looking forward to her Eye of Newt porridge only to discover it had been brutally killed.

Watch where you're going! Wich yelled as Johnny barrelled past her.

Old fart! Johnny retorted as he raced toward his house, clutching his post to his chest. The most important letter in history had arrived and he couldn't wait to read it. Wich was unaware of the fact that Johnny held the letter that would ultimately save her life so didn't think twice of turning him into a fog. She had intended him to be a frog but was dyslexic so her magic spells suffered. Johnny's mail fell from his misty fingers as he drifted aimlessly to the Attractive Garden, attached to the Church of Religious Intolerance. A bright red envelope with the words 'The Most Important Letter In History' on it in yellow writing fell down into a drain, never to be seen again except by the alligators that lived in the sewer. Shortly afterwards the alligators packed up and left, never to be seen again.

With a wicked smile, Wich let herself into her house. She went straight into her living room, where in the centre a large chocolate cauldron was heating up over an open fire. She threw her own post onto the fire, choking in the thick smoke that followed. The room wasn't ventilated. Wich had bricked up the window so it would match the stone effect wallpaper. Along the same wall were two sets of shelves, one of which held various ingredients for her potions. The other used to contain spell books but these had been replaced with the DVD's long ago. A tattered broomstick was propped up in a corner and a large magic speaking mirror hung on the wall opposite.

Wich stood in front of the magic mirror. Two photos were pinned up beside it, one of her ex-husband and the other of his most recent girlfriend.

Wasn't I good enough for you? she said to the photo of her ex-husband. Was I not old enough? One hundred and fifty seven is so young I know, but I'm older in wisdom then she. Isn't my skin green enough? Don't I have enough warts?

She's not a patch on you, the mirror said.

I'll get you! Wich hissed at the photo of the girlfriend. You may be older, wartier, smellier and have greener skin than mine, but my teeth are yellower!

You're the ugliest, oldest, wartiest witch of them all, the mirror said in a soothing voice. Wich ignored it, cackling as she removed her black hat. Her hair was pointed in the same shape. She selected a few ingredients from her shelves, throwing them into her melting cauldron one by one.

Eye of owl, drool of hog, sperm of fowl, turd of dog, she sang as the cauldron boiled. Hubble bubble toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron, erm, wobble! Make that ugly old hag into a pretty princess! Wich gave an insane giggle as she inhaled the probably toxic fumes.

It's working. I can see her becoming young and beautiful, the magic mirror lied.

He'll never want you now! Wich coughed, collapsing to the ground. As she lay unconscious her chocolate cauldron melted away, dousing the fire and pouring out its smelly contents. The green and orange smoke slowly cleared, leaking into next door where Brian Brian the Paranoid Geek lived.

***

Brian was sitting in his living room which he had designed to look like the interior of a spaceship. It was all gleaming metal and flashing lights, though a closer look would reveal a lot of tin foil and fairy lights and for the last few minutes some green and orange smoke. Brian was naked on his couch, drooling and gurgling.

I'm a pretty printhethth. Boy are my enemieth gonna envy me! A pretty printhethth.

He brushed is unruly brown hair out of his eyes and tried to count his freckles that he could for some reason see on his own face, which was in front of him. It was a difficult task because his thick glasses kept slipping down his nose and his oversized teeth were trying to crawl into his ears.

I'm a pretty printhethth. Brian giggled. He got to his feet and staggered around his front room. He walked into his supercomputer, the most technologically advanced machine in the universe, Mister Silly. Brian tried to give the machine an affectionate pat and missed.

I have detected dangerous toxins in the air, Mister Silly said in a smooth, emotionless voice.

My enemieth! Poithoning me!

It is more likely to be your neighbour. I detect the ocular organ of an owl, pig saliva, bird semen and dog faeces. Ms Wich has probably been brewing another potion.

Thee's one of my enemieth! Brian declared, hands on hips.

Ms Wich is indifferent to your existence. Now clearing toxins. Mister Silly opened the windows in Brian's house using a clever mechanism similar to telepathy.

I'm a pretty printhethth, Brian said as he bounced off the walls.

***

Next door, celebrated author Faye Kename rolled her eyes at the noise coming from Brian's house. He was always making a racket, shouting about world domination, pretty princesses and silly computers. As usual, Faye decided to ignore it rather than go round and have to listen to him rant on about wanting autographs. She turned back to what she was doing. She was wearing a long black-hooded robe and was facing an altar. On a silver tray lay a sacrificial offering, bound and gagged. There were strange symbols around the frightened offering, an ominous looking book open at the middle, and an expensive knife.

Oh, you unholy legions of foul demons, I make this offering in your honour. Faye picked up her sacrificial black-bladed knife and raised it over her head.

This offering shall have this knife stabbed through its heart to prove my faith! she said as she thrust the knife into her victim, killing it instantly.

See how this potato gives its life for you! She picked up the potato she had just sacrificed to the unholy legion of demons, pulled the sacrificial knife out of it and put it in the microwave.

And now I shall eat it, because my breakfast was murdered.

She jumped as a loud bang followed by a few screams came from outside. Forgetting about the potato, she rushed outside. There was a crowd gathered at the Attractive Garden.

What's going on? Faye asked Captain Pegleg Hookhand the Pirate, who lived two doors down.

Yargh! 'Tis a strange thing has happened, Mr Nobody the Unimportant Character replied instead. 'T'was  a round purple thing with a whole lot o' legs. It fell from the sky an' splattered 'cross the road. Mr Nobody indicated to the large purple splash across the road.

Is that all? Faye shook her head, her lips pursed as she glared around at everyone.  She went back into her house, leaving the rest of the three streets gawking at the stain on the road.

Was it an alien? Captain Pegleg asked in a clear, articulated voice that didn't match his pirate outfit, eye patch, wooden leg, the hook for a hand and great bushy beard.

It was a bear,  Dr Mad the Mad Scientist said with such self-assurance anyone would think he had never seen a bear before.

'T'was an alien! Mr Nobody disagreed.

Stupid boy! Dr Mad said, his already bulging eyes almost popping from his head.

Vell, it's not a bear, so it must be an alien, Drack Youla the Experiment said. He had been created years ago by Dr Mad in an experiment involving Lego and a toy train. The result of the experiment was a pile of cheese pieces shaped like Lego, and Drack Youla, who looked like a normal person with a tendency to eat Lego shaped like cheese. He had an inexplicable need to dress and act like a vampire.

It's a bear.  Dr Mad said.

Dr Mad, you are a poor doctor unt an -

Poor doctor! I’ll give you poor doctor! You owe me your life you - Dr Mad interrupted.

Your PhD is fake! Unt you have a silly bald head! Drack Youla taunted.

Shouldn't you be a burning ball of fire by now? Dr Mad shouted, spitting as he snapped the words out.

Vhat? Oh! sunlight! No! Argh! It burns! Drack Youla said rather theatrically, throwing his arms over his head. He ran back to his house on Avenue Lane.

Ungrateful sod, Dr Mad said. He started walking back to his own house on Street Street, followed by the Following Bench. The Following Bench was so named because of its habit of trotting along behind people, begging for mushy peas. No one knew what it did with them. Presumably, it ate them.

Go away! Dr Mad yelled at it. He went into his house and was greeted by his faithful assistant, Gork.

Welcome back, master. Gork bowed. He was short with an enormous hump on his back. There was a head and a body complete with arms and legs, but it was all lost in the hump.

How is my experiment? Dr Mad inquired as he walked into the front room.

It's eaten itself again, master. Do you think giving life to a dog made out of dog food is a good idea?

It's a brilliant idea!

Yes, master.

If only it would realise its not a good idea to eat itself.

Too stupid to realise, master.

If I gave it a human brain, that would solve the problem. Dr Mad smiled as the brainwave hit.

Clever master!

Clever, yes. Gork, get me a human brain. An intelligent brain, that is.

Yes, master. Gork bowed. He ambled away mumbling under his breath, brain, brain, master needs a brain.

Dr Mad walked over to the TV, pressed a button and waited for the hidden elevator to take him down to his top secret laboratory. After a few moments Dr Mad realised the electrician had been used in an experiment before he'd installed the elevator.

Drat, he said. He went to the kitchen, where his temporary lab was set up. It was full of oddly shaped vials and crucibles filled with various liquids and objects. In the centre piece of the room was a table designed to restrain a human subject. On it lay a male mannequin.

You can beg all you like, Dr Mad told the mannequin. I wont let you go. You are to be used for the betterment of mankind.

The mannequin didn't answer.

Ah! I admire your macho bravado, Dr Mad sneered. But soon you will beg for your life as electricity passes  through your body and I just wanted you to know your pleas will fall on deaf ears. Only the Almighty Bwibble can save you now. On reflex, he made the sign of the Bwibble, two fingers up his nostrils.

Have it your way. I was just trying to make conversation, Dr Mad said. He turned to his bubbling crucibles. After a few minutes, he could take his subject's silence no longer.

You're going to help cure pummypoolotitis,

The mannequin didn't even blink at Dr Mad's announcement.

"It is too a real illness! No it isn't! I'm an idiot! Yes it is! How dare I call me an idiot! I'm stupid! Pummypoolotitis is just a stupid dream I had! No it isn't! I’m not stupid!