Confessions of a Clueless Sky

By David Wright

When mundane challenges of everyday living get a bit too gnarly, it's time to call on satire and comic exaggeration. It helps if the bewildered person has no clue. As it happens, often that person is a male of our species.

• Language: English
• Publisher: David Wright
• Release date: Sep 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310795923

David Wright

DAVID M. WRIGHT, president and owner of Wright Financial Group, CLU, ChFC®, is a thirty-plus-year veteran in the financial services industry, working with individuals, families, and businesses in many different financial areas. He is Series 65-licensed, specializing in working with those nearing or in retirement. He has helped hundreds of people maximize the utility of their money with non-stock market, income-generating financial products. David currently resides in Sylvania, Ohio, with his wife, Marcia. He has two sons and two beautiful grandchildren, Olivia, Jacob and Ethan. In his downtime, he enjoys singing at his church, playing golf, and relaxing with his family.

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Confessions of a Clueless Sky

(It will make sense at the end)

by David Wright

Published: September 2015

Publisher: Pikkadoozy Studios

Copyright 2015 David Wright

All rights reserved

Any name of a real product or company referenced

in this book is the property of its owner.

Any similarity of fictitious names

to actual names is unintentional.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

Table of Contents

Folding Fitted Sheets

Other Laundry Issues

Plant-sitting

Gardening

Grocery Shopping

Cooking

Alien Species in the Fridge

Reorganizing

Family Outings

Vacationing

Leaving the Back Door Open

Sex and Survival

Masturbation

Annual Physical

Seriously. How Hard Can This Be?

Follow-through

Epilogue

Fake End Matter

About the Author

Other Works by the Author

Contact the Author

Folding Fitted Sheets

This is dedicated to all men who have ever tried to fold a fitted sheet. Particular recognition goes to that one hearty soul in central Illinois who — legend has it — actually attempted it on three separate occasions. Out of sheer admiration, I write to him regularly; he still is not allowed visitors in the asylum.

If you are a househusband — or even if you and your partner/spouse both work, and you periodically do your fair ten-percent share of the household chores — most likely, on at least one occasion, you will be tempted to overestimate your abilities in this regard. But once the buzzer goes off for the linens cycle, the world becomes a darker place.

You open the dryer door and peer in. There it is. A big, pastel-colored puff looking harmless enough. If it goes onto a standard double bed or a twin and you recently have completed your anger-management course, you may have a shot. But if it’s a queen or king, and you have just gotten back from a family reunion, well… remember the Rubik’s Cube? Mere child’s play.

So you pull it out and size up the situation. Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, you think Seems simple enough. Smells nice. Soft and fluffy. (That’s what Samson thought about Delilah, too.) It’s not too late to chicken out. Live to fight another day and all that. But you don’t.

With a sense of confidence that can only be described as stupid (otherwise we may have tried a different word, right?), you grab it by the two corners on the short edge. You toss it into the air just like you always do with its unfitted but less evil sibling, expecting to catch it by its midriff as it floats helpfully back to earth, further expecting then to begin the straightforward process of progressively folding-creasing similar to the way you learned with the flag in scouting.

But there is elastic involved. Much elastic. And by definition, elasticity does not offer a well-defined dimension. So there you are, in the middle of the laundry room, with two handfuls of crinkling, rumply linen that — in another time and place, like on your bed — actually would be very comforting and non-threatening. You give it a couple more tosses, thinking maybe the wind direction had worked against you. You get a few more handfuls of crinkliness but still no firm handles. So you have some choices:

1. Summon your spouse/mate/partner/first-in-command (weenie alert!)

2. Since it’s already 2:30 in the afternoon, how about a nice glass of merlot?

3. Be a man. Go get your laptop.

Not surprised that you chose option #3 (although #2 was a strong contender, eh?). So now:

Fire up your favorite Google search tool (since by the time you read this there won’t be any options left). Type in how to fold a fitted sheet. Bang! Tons of links will come up. Many are videos. Scroll down through to see the wealth. There even is at least one featuring that she’s-everywhere, always-helpful Martha. But notice something: All the presenters are women. Why? you ask. Because no guy has ever been filmed in the wild doing this successfully.

At first the pix and vids may show some promise. But sooner or later they resort to recommending a large, flat surface such as a table or a bed. Bzzzttt! If you had a large, flat surface available, it would mean that either (a) you already had cleaned off the kitchen counter after last week’s pizza party, or (b) you could spread the demon thing out on your bed — in which case you wouldn’t bother; you would just rip the dirty one off and replace it with what is fast becoming the biggest source of your domestic frustration.

You are a guy. You don’t want the help of no damn large, flat surface. You want to do this the manly way: fold it in midair. Maybe even with one hand. Eyes closed. Okay…

The laws of physics cannot be broken. There is zero chance of your ever being pulled over by a cosmic peace officer tapping on your window, then saying, "Excuse me, but do you realize that you were defying the principles of gravity and buoyancy by making that fitted sheet descend unnaturally slowly while compacting neatly into a trim, symmetric, geometric